Don’t trust a fuck boy…

Okay, so clearly I know that it’s not just boys that fuck with peoples emotions. Girls are just as capable to do it too. But firstly, I’ve never dated a fuck girl so I can’t comment on them, and most of my friends that are currently falling for the traps are coming from experiences with guys, so as I can relate to them, I will. I also know that not every guy is a fuck boy, that’s because there are a lot of men out there, but I’m not talking about them. This post is specifically about the boys posing as men.

We all know the type of immature men that come into our inboxes and promising us the world only to ghost us when they don’t get what they want, but then they also ghost you when they get exactly what they want because the truth is, they used you for an ego trip. They needed to feel better and you were collateral damage. They are the types of people that can’t commit, even though they promise you they will. They pretend to care for all the uses that they need and then drop you. This leaves you feeling emotional and unwanted. It makes you believe you were a toy for them and that you aren’t worthy… the truth is, that is complete bull! They are the ones that aren’t worthy. They are the ones who are immature and shouldn’t be going near anyone unless they truly wanted it. They are the ones that believe their own lies so much that you fall for them to. Now to my girls that continue to fall for this B.S, listen to me. You are worth more than that! You are Queens who were not put on this Earth to be an ego trip for the likes of them. You deserve better!

Over my many years of falling into the traps of dating boys instead of men, I’ve learned a few things. And it’s things that you really need to pay attention too, because it will save you a lot of heartache down the line. They say many things but their actions will contradict. It’s so easy to fall for it, because of how often they do it to other people. And you are worth more than that!

Phrases they will use to start to build that “bond” with you and I’m going to talk to you about the main phrases in great detail. The first one being You can trust me. Most boys, will want you to trust them without every giving you any reason to trust them. They say this because if they can make you feel comfortable with telling them anything, you’re less likely to notice when they change. They use this because by allowing yourself to trust them, they get close enough to hurt you even if you don’t want them too.

I promise I will always be here. They say this because they want you to believe they are in it for the long haul. They want you to believe that they will stick around when things get tough. This way, you let your guard down a little which makes it easier for them to worm their way in. They know that by saying things like this, you’re more likely to be open with them and as soon as you start opening up, they can start to take advantage of it.

You’ve changed my life. This is a classic! They will always tell you that you’ve changed their life even if you’ve only been talking for a short while. They will say things like, you’ve made me so happy over the last insert time frame here, that they never want to lose you. They do this because it’s the easiest way for you to believe you mean something to them. But I can assure you, they will disappear as quickly as they came because you didn’t change anything and you didn’t really make them happy. You just entertained them at a time they were feeling low.

We want the same things. They say they want the same things as you and chances are you told them what you wanted first. Chances are, you spilled your heart out to them about what you want from your future, and they agree with you so that you believe you’re on the same page. You aren’t. You’re not even reading the same book! The best way to figure the lies out from the truth is to ask them questions. Ask their deepest fears and their biggest dreams. It’s very rare that someone can lie about their insecurities and if they do, you deserve better than that.

It’s not just about sex. Of course it isn’t… until you give it to them. They will try their luck as much as they can, and if they believe you’re not going to give in and give them sex, they drop you like a piece of rubbish and move along. This is because it was about the sex. They wanted sex and hoped that they could worm their way in to the point you would feel comfortable enough to allow them into your bed. Do not do it! If you have any suspicions about them, make them wait! And if they can’t wait, they never truly wanted anything more than for you to be a notch on their bed post.

I’m not a jealous person but… Of course they aren’t jealous. Why would they need to be jealous, they don’t actually care. They tell you this because they think that if you believe they don’t want anyone else, you’ll believe that you going near anyone else will drive them wild. It doesn’t. They simply say it because it gives the impression that you are the only one they’re talking too. You’re not. I can lay money down on their being multiple girls.

You deserve better than what you’re going through. They say this to get in that pretty little head of yours. They make you believe that you deserve the world. They make you believe that whoever is making you feel low, isn’t worth it because it gives them more of a chance to get what they want. It gives them the upper hand by you believing that this person will be a better match for you, only to drop you after you’ve fulfilled your purpose in their life.

I want you. This isn’t technically a lie. They do want you. But they don’t want your heart or mind. They want your vagina. They want your attention. They want to know they can still pull someone without really trying. They say this to make you feel special and like you mean something. When the truth is, their want is temporary. It will flutter past like a butterfly and die just as quickly. As soon as you give them what they want, they’re out of here like a 6 in cricket.

I need you. This is another half truth. They do need you. They need you for a lift to make them feel better. They need you to stroke their ego and give them some worth. They need you to fill a hole that isn’t be filled because the truth is, they have the personalities of douche bags so they don’t ever find someone who would stick around. And even when they do, they’re too busy treating them like shit to notice how much you truly care.

If they only give you attention late at night, this is also a dead give away. It means they have a partner who’s asleep next to them so they can get away with talking, or they’re literally bored and just after nudes. Do not give into them. If they can’t compliment your mind and looks, they don’t get to compliment your body. Plus, they generally just want wanking material because they are sick of porn and want a real body to look at. You are worth more than just what is beneath your clothes.

Even if with all these phrases, knowing them and knowing why they do it, they also have that killer charm. They can talk their way into your mind by “being a friend” without actually ever wanting friendship. Most fuck boys will make you feel important for a short time before their attention is diverted to other girls that are putting up more of a chance, less likely to fall and just give them sex or throw themselves into their work as an excuse to stop themselves feeling guilty about the lies they tell you.

As soon as they know you’ve fallen for the bullshit, they become distant because it’s getting too real. They know they have you right where they want you and then that’s where the ghosting comes in, until whatever else had their attention gets boring and they come right back to you. They don’t really care about your feelings, because if they did, they wouldn’t treat you this way. But what they care about is getting what they want. They are so skilled at it, that you don’t realise the lies you’ve fallen for until it’s too late.

Any person that is truly interested in you, will never leave you questioning your worth. They will message you and let you know when they are thinking of you, because they genuinely miss you and want you to know that no matter where you are, you’re never far from their mind. They will make small promises to begin with, to show you that they really feel something for you before working up to the bigger ones. They spoil you with love because seeing you smile is the greatest thing about their day. These are the people you need to wait for. They are the ones that leave you with butterflies in your stomach and a giddiness in your heart. They are the ones that will show their affection for you at every given moment. And it is out there, you just got to wait for it.

If you believe that the person you are talking to isn’t being sincere, then give them 48 hours. Don’t message them first. Don’t give them all your attention. If they pick up on it or even send you a message asking what’s up as you’re never normally this quiet, then chances are, they notice the small things. If someone can go days without giving you attention, it’s because their attention is elsewhere. If they can’t make time for you, it’s because in their eyes, you aren’t worth their time. You are worth more than these types of people. You deserve happiness and love. You deserve someone who is all about you! Know your worth! Because the ones that know it too, are the ones that will make all the difference.

Thank you for reading my post. I know it’s not the nicest of topics, but I’m watching too many girls get their hearts crushed over guys who aren’t worth it. I’ve watched too many girls fall for the same guys bullshit and it’s time they started to realise that they are the ones in control. So own it. I hope where ever you are in the world, that you are smiling and you’re having a good day because you all deserve happiness in life.

I never wanted to be like my mum…

Okay, I know that sounds really harsh, but hear me out. I grew up with a mother who was always around, just not really for me. Not because she didn’t love or care for me, but because I have brothers that needed her attention more. We’ve spoke about it a lot over the last few years and it’s brought us closer, but that’s only really since I became a mum myself.

I grew up in council houses, in a single parent background, with a mum who didn’t work because she wanted to be there as much as possible for us. We always had everything we needed, like new clothes for school, new shoes, and believe it or not, a lot of technology. I’ve grown up around technology, and from the age of like 13, I had a computer, a pink ps2, an Xbox 360 and my own virgin box. Maybe it was because it would be easier to keep me out of her way if I things to distract me, I don’t know. However, I grew up knowing that’s not how I wanted my children to live. I made a promise to myself that I wouldn’t be like her. Yet I am.

I feel like a failure. I feel like it doesn’t matter what I start, I’m destined to fail. And it’s horrible. I was the first in my family to get into university… couldn’t complete my degree. I managed to finish college with a triple distinction however I’ve done nothing with it. The last job I had, I had to leave due to mental and physical illnesses and even when it comes to being a mother, post natal depression made sure that I felt like a failure.

I can’t work at the moment because emotionally I’m fucked. I can’t figure out what I want to do with my life and my novel has had 200 words written on it in the last two years. It’s depressing. And if I’m completely honest, it’s been getting to me for a while. And the other day I actually broke down to my mum about it. Not because I wanted her to feel bad that I didn’t want to be like her but because she’s my mum and she does listen to me without feeling the need to belittle my feelings.

My mum pointed out that I’m not a failure. I may feel like one, but that doesn’t make me one. Yes, I didn’t complete my law degree, but that doesn’t make me a failure. At the time of attending college, I finished my first year with the highest grade possible. In the summer before starting my second year, I was diagnosed with a life threatening disease. I battled that disease and managed to walk out of college with a triple distinction overall. That wasn’t failure. That was persistence. I managed to get the grades I needed to sit either a two year, a three year or a four year law course, the choice was mine. That wasn’t failing! I chose the four year course, I wanted to give myself the best chance with my illness as well. I finished my first year with an overall of a 2:1 and that was a very big thing for me as I was in and out of hospital. I essentially failed the second year of my degree, I couldn’t wrap my head around tort law and no matter how much I tried, I couldn’t attend as much because of illness. That wasn’t me being a failure because I had a lot more on my plate than your average student. And when it comes to being a mother, my daughter is happy and healthy. She is loved and has rooms filled with toys, she has her own bedroom and a loving relationship with both of her parents.

That day, my mother pointed out that I was looking at what I considered to be my failures all wrong. Yes I failed my degree. That’s not a lie, but I managed to attend university to study a stressful degree with an illness that was made worse by stress. I was of high enough standard to get into university in the first place and I still pushed myself even when I probably shouldn’t have. I could have just sat back and not pushed myself, but I did because I wanted to be better. My daughter has a mum that would never give up, that tries to give her the very best I can and I’m always there for her, which is a lot more than some mothers. She pointed out that my blog is read around the world and that is something I should be proud of.

And that was the day that I realised although there’s certain aspects of my life that I don’t want to be like my mum, I’m thankful for what she has taught me. Because of her, I’m stubborn enough to not let things stop me from trying. Because of her, I’m hard enough on myself to keep trying. Because of her, I’m strong enough to battle every day even when I’m at my weakest. Because of her, I’m able to help other people push for their dreams. Because of her, I’m independent enough to live by myself without problems. I can cook, I can clean and I know what it’s like to run a home. She has taught me that I’m not too old to chase my dreams and that as long as my daughter is happy and healthy, that no amount of material goods will matter.

So no, I don’t want to be like my mother because I already am, but not in the areas I thought. Yes I’m a single mum, but that’s because I want to show her that you shouldn’t settle for anything less than what you deserve. Yes, she lives in a council property, but she has her own room and a safe place to call home. However I will continue to be my own strength and push myself when I have too. I will continue to bring my daughter up to be a strong and independent young lady and I will continue to love her unconditionally. I will be someone I can be proud of because I’m not really defined by what I failed, but I’m defined by what I’ve done. And yes I failed, yes I have given up on things but I’m also one of the strongest people my friends know or atleast that’s what they tell me. I may not have a career, I may not know what I’m meant to be doing with my life but I do know that I have a little lady that deserves the best role model so I won’t give up.

I may have depression and anxiety. I may have an eating disorder and BPD. I may have underlying health conditions and all of those may have affected where I am in my life, but that will never define me. And that’s thanks to my mum. She has pushed me to me better and is always harder on me than any of her other children. And that’s because she always wanted me to better than her, despite the fact she’s still a pretty incredible role model.

Thank you for reading my latest blog post, your continued support is incredible and I’m so thankful to each and every person that has read my blog and shared it. I’m thankful to the hundreds of people that follow it and give feedback. If you want to find out about any upcoming posts, or want to get in touch, you can find me on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram. Don’t be afraid to reach out, I will always offer you support as you continue to support me. I hope you’re all having a great day and remember to keep your smile because it means something in this world.

What being a mother to a daughter has taught me so far…

It’s funny. I’ve been a female for 27 years and yet somehow my daughter is still finding ways to teach me. Each and every day, I am learning more about being a parent but also about myself as a person.

For those of you who don’t know, I am the mother to a three year old little lady who has a bigger attitude than you can possibly imagine, who has more sass than she has vocabulary and who brightens each and every day. She carries the biggest smile along with a huge heart and cuddles that are my entire world.

I look at my daughter and I couldn’t imagine anyone wanting to hurt her, to break her little heart and make her world crumble. In my eyes, she will always deserve the very best. She deserves to know true friendship and real love. She deserves to have a family that adores her and a happy home. And I am honestly dreading the day her world comes crashing down because of friendship or a guy and I ended up thinking about what I want for her.

Why is it that I have such high expectations for how she is treated yet I have so low standards for myself? I think about how little confidence I have in myself and how badly I allow myself to be treated for many different reasons. When did I become someone I didn’t want my daughter to be? How can I teach her to love herself when I can’t? How can I encourage her to believe in herself when I’m showing her how little I believe in me? Why am I setting her future bar so low? Why do I allow myself to feel horrible and guilty about myself and who I am, when I want her to love herself more than anything on this planet?

I can’t. I can’t allow my daughter to grow up and have my standards! She deserves so much better than the life I chose for myself. I think back to how I’ve been treated by people who claimed to love me and I seriously hope that she never has to experience anything close to the shit hands I got dealt. I think about how I look in the mirror and the person who looks back, repulses me. If I could, I’d have so many things differently, but I can’t change my past. I can however aspire to be the woman that sets Luna’s bar so high that she gets the best.

I think about how she’s going to have moments that define her life, I think about how my mother handled mine and through her mistakes, I will ensure that Luna won’t become a victim to it. My daughter has beautiful curly blondish brown hair, she has my big brown eyes and a smile that gives people the impression that butter wouldn’t melt… it doesn’t but it does bloody sizzle. I want her to be strong enough that she can survive everything, not because she has no other choice but because she was brought up to take the world by it’s horns. I want her to be stubborn enough to not settle. Not in love, not in friendships and certainly not in her dreams. I want her to know that anything is possible in this life, for as long as she truly believes in it. I want her to believe in magic and fairies. I want her to experience finding her soul mate, not in a guy but in a best friend that will never leave her side. I want her to experience everything she possibly can but for her to believe in that world, I need to show her that world.

I refuse to settle anymore. I want to achieve my dream of writing a novel and I’m slowly getting there. I want to love myself as much as I want Luna to love herself. I want to want as much from myself as I want Luna to get from her. I want to be the reason she doesn’t let any person take anything from her. I want to be the role model I wish I had. And that starts with looking at my own troubles and facing them. It means raising my standards and not settling for anything less. It means walking away from the negative and doubtful and pushing for the positive and better. I don’t want to have Luna become me because I stopped putting myself above crap.

My daughter has taught me more about being a better woman than she has about parenting. Don’t get me wrong, parenting is hard and none of us get it right, but being her role model is something I am determined to get right. I started with picking one hell of a guy to be her father, one that like me, will never give up on her, that will continue to want the best for her and will support her each and every day. For someone who usually has bad taste in men, he is one that I definitely got right. I know that even on the hardest days of being a parent, they are so worth it because I am raising someone worthy of diamonds! I know what unconditional love is because even when I have to deal with my attitude coming out of a three year old, I still love her and would do absolutely everything for her. And I intend to start now. I intend to show her that healthy relationships exist. That happiness can be found everywhere if you know where to look. I intend to show her that self care is the best thing you can ever do for yourself!

To my one and only, my promise to you is to be better, to be stronger, to be happier, to be less like a doormat. I promise to find something about myself that is positive each and every day. I promise to love myself like I love you. I promise to hold myself to higher standards. I promise to never let a guy break me again. I promise that you will be my motivation everyday to be the role model you deserve. I promise to be there for myself like I intend to be there for you and I promise to take more time focusing on myself and less on those that don’t deserve it. But lastly, I promise that there will never be a day that you don’t feel like your worthy of everything because you are. I love you Luna!

Thank you to everyone who has read today’s blog post. I have recently been spending more time taking care of myself and less time focusing on what doesn’t matter and I realised that I needed to get some things off my chest, to act as my reminder that in my daughters eyes, I deserve better. Thank you for your support, remember, if you want to get in touch or keep up to date on any blog related posts, such as sneak peaks into topics or just have some things on your mind and you need someone to talk to, find me on Twitter, Facebook or Instagram. I hope wherever you are in the world, you’re smiling because there is nothing else like it.

I feel like a bad friend…

I love my girls more than they will ever truly realise. I love how they’ve been there for me through thick and thin, always trying to be understanding and loving, even though there are times where I know it’s difficult. Not because I intentionally make it so, but because mental health strikes at the worst and most unpredictable of times. I’d be there for them through everything, as they have been for me, however just recently, I’ve probably sucked as a friend. I know they understand and just want to give me space to make sure I’m okay again, but if I’m honest, it feels like abandonment… they haven’t abandoned me, that’s my mental health playing up again.

I feel like I’m punishing myself. I feel like right now I don’t deserve to call myself a friend because I haven’t been there. One of my best friends found out she was pregnant and I was so happy for her, but towards the end of her pregnancy, I turned my back on being there because I couldn’t face her. I muted her stories and ignored her messages. Not because I didn’t love her anymore but because I couldn’t face pregnancy, not from anyone.

Over the last few months, I’ve hidden more posts than you’d believe, all revolving around pregnancy and babies. I’m so happy for them, they get to experience a wonderful change in their body and growing a life and a love that knows no bounds. They are creating memories and bonds that will last lifetimes, both theirs and that of their children, yet here I am hurting over their happiness. I want to be there for the list of my friends that are going through this and yet I’m turning my back and ignoring them all.

I recently found out that my cousin who I shared my first pregnancy with, is pregnant again, and had I not lost the baby late last year, we would have again shared a pregnancy and I can’t help but feel guilty. I feel guilty because I should have been reaching the halfway mark in a matter of a fortnight. I should have been feeling my baby kick and having sickness. I should have been complaining about feeling like a whale despite doing the greatest thing that every woman dreams of. Yet all I’m left with is pain and a constant reminder of another child I couldn’t bare. Another child that wouldn’t breathe or live.

I feel guilty that I’m hiding away whilst many of my friends are going through one of the greatest and hardest things and times. I’m hiding and burying my thoughts because I still can’t face it. I feel like when July comes around, all those moments I’ve missed will catch up with me. All the emotions I’ve tried my hardest to bury, will surface and drag me down once again. I look at my daughter and know that I was robbed of a child but she was robbed of being an older sibling.

The truth is, I’ve had the hardest time writing or even being able to sit down and write because even though it sounds stupid, I’m still grieving. I’m grieving a pregnancy I should be in, a baby I should be feeling and a life I should have helped nurture until they took their first breath and every one after. I can’t write because my head and heart are torn. My head knows it’s not my fault and one day I will realise it, but my heart longs for what it will never know. There hasn’t been one day where I have forgotten and I don’t think there ever will be. I don’t know why my other miscarriages didn’t affect me this much, however this one broke down every guard, every defence and beat me from within.

I wanted so badly to be okay. I wanted so badly not to relapse and hurt myself again, but you can believe the thought has crossed my mind so many times. I wanted to be there celebrating with my friends and not hiding away from the ones I love most. I’ve been doing great at burying it. Some nights I can fall asleep and only feel guilty when I wake. However, other nights I keep seeing what should have been my baby, I keep imagining if they were a boy or girl, how they’d be growing. I think about how I will never know the truth because all I have to carry around is pain. I wanted to be able to feel like I was moving forward and not stuck in limbo. I feel guilty that I haven’t moved on yet, that I’m still hurting when I feel like I should be okay. It’ll be three months since I got it confirmed, but three months of what?

To the people that I’m avoiding, I love you and it won’t be forever. To my best girl, I’m sorry I sucked towards the end of your pregnancy and even more so with your daughter. Thank you for understanding, and I promise when I make it out of this, we will celebrate everything that this life has to offer. And lastly, I’m sorry to everyone I’ve hurt recently.

I’m sorry I haven’t written much. I’m sorry it’s March and I’ve only just posted but I lost my inspiration. One day I will find myself again, one day I will return to blogging and the life I love but I can’t see it right now. It’s still dark and foggy no matter how much I pretended otherwise. One day, I will see every silver lining in every cloud. One day I will back to the girl who loves freely and is there for everyone. I hope, wherever you are in the world, that you’re happy and living the best life you can. Don’t lose that smile and you’ll hear from me again soon.

The Mystery Blogger Award!

I never thought I’d be writing this post, because as of a few weeks ago, I hadn’t heard of the Mystery Blogger Award, and I didn’t actually find out what it was until I was nominated. So firstly I want to thank Ronald for nominating me. I feel so honoured that you think so highly of my blog, it really does mean a lot. You are a great support, and all my readers should totally go and check out his blog by clicking here!

The Mystery Blogger Award was created by Okoto Enigma, in honour of getting recognition to bloggers that work hard and provide posts that are worth reading but aren’t for many reasons, discovered. It’s for bloggers that inspire and encourage people all around the world. And I think it’s incredible! As a blogger, we spend a lot of our time writing things that we are passionate about, and I know that those I am going to mention are amazing at this as well.

As with any worthy award, there are rules and they are as follows.

• Put the award logo/image on your blog.
• List the rules.
• Thank whoever nominated you and provide a link to their blog.
• Mention the creator of the award and provide a link as well
• Tell your readers 3 things about yourself
• You have to nominate 10 – 20 people
• Notify your nominees by commenting on their blog
• Ask your nominees any 5 questions of your choice; with one weird or funny question (specify)
• Share a link to your best post(s)

I guess I should probably tell you three things about me so;

– I am actually a big WWE fan, and I love and watch as much as I can. I mean on PPV nights, I watch as much as I can before I fall asleep and I’m generally tweeting about it.  – Luna downloaded some albums onto my phone via Apple Music, because she wanted Rey Mysterio’s entrance… My phone is on shuffle and it decided to play the Bella’s entrance music just as I wrote that and not going to lie, I sat gigglying to myself. –

– I am a massive reader and will always make a point of reading the books and watching the films because I think the writer and directors of both have different views and ideas, and I like to compare them… Yes, I am a nerd.

– I once was on a sailing boat and did things that you see pirates do in movies… It was one of the scariest three days of my life! We were out to sea during a thunderstorm and I was petrified. I can’t swim and I hate thunderstorms. It was also extremely hard work, I came back and was sore for days, but it was amazing and if you can ever have the chance to sail a proper boat, I recommend it.

5 Questions Answered;

1: What are the five things you cannot live without? Why does it have to be things Ronald? Because for one, I cannot live without my daughter! But oooookay. I will do material things. My notepad, because I am forever writing things down. My ipod, it has way too many songs because I only ever add to it. So I have music from my childhood on it and it’s nice to have those memories. My laptop and Phone because I have friends that I don’t get to see and I always love talking to them! And my Finn Balor Leather Jacket! I love my jacket even if it is a guys jacket and bigger than me! It was brought for me by mum for Christmas and as long as it’s not too hot outside, I will be wearing it!

2: According to you, what is a perfect day? I’m a mum so it would always be any day that has my daughters laugh and smile because there is no perfect moment. She has an ear infection so she’s really clingy at the moment and isn’t her happy bubbly self which really sucks.

3: Which celebrity you would love to meet? And why? Okay, so this stumped me. I don’t know if they are considered a celebrity but they are also dead. So, it’s more a person of history than one of a current celebrity. I would want to meet J.M Barrie. He is the author of The Complete Adventures of Peter Pan, and theres more to the story than Wendy. I love the stories and have read the collection. They are some of my most favourite pieces of work and I want to know what inspired him to write it. Before he died, he gave the rights to Peter Pan stories to Great Ormond Street Hospital and personally, that is someone I would like to meet.

4: Who or what inspired you to take up blogging? I don’t think anyone inspired me to start blogging. I think it was more, I had a lot of things going on and I just wanted a place where I could write how I felt and nobody could tell me what I could or couldn’t say because it was my space. I come from a big family and often felt like I was ignored because my brothers needs would and should have always came first.

5: Describe an incident involving you that you’re not proud of. Any incident involving my partners mother. She’s not the easiest of people to talk to and it’s even harder considering she doesn’t give a shit about her only granddaughter, she can only ever seem to think of herself. However, I always seem to let her get under my skin and end up saying things out of anger because of how my brain reacts. BPD is really tricky to try and keep level headed when emotion is involved. But I am slowly getting better. I mean I’m talking about it more rather than losing my shit straight away.

I’m supposed to pick my best posts, but I can’t because everyone will always have a different opinion to me, so I thought I’d list the ones that meant the most to write. As I only shared a really emotional post last night, I wont include that one. But here are some of my others.

• It’s okay not to be okay.
• Don’t be afraid to be who you are.
• Opening up is easy when you don’t have to look into someone’s eyes and feel their emotion…
• Who do you relate to?
• Parenting.

I wanted to pick some of the great bloggers that offer me such support and love every time! They help me during writers block and provide great content. I am so proud of all their hard work and this is my way of encouraging them not to give up.

• Amy Jane; she provides a travel/food blog which at times gives me serious envy. But I am so fortunate enough to live vicariously through her! Check out her blog;
• Lozza; she is an incredible person and I am so fortunate to follow her and receive her support. Honestly, check out her blog! Its amazing.
• ThoughtsWithN; Her lifestyle blog is really creative and covers wellbeing as well as parenting. Go check out her blog!
• Edley; He is a great guy who is blogging about his personal battle with M.S as well as sharing other peoples stories and giving them a platform to speak. Check out his blog, here.
• BeardedIgor; Again, another great guy whos blog is very interesting to read. He talks about his journey to happiness despite mental health complications. Check him out, here!
• My Simple Mind; She has an awesome mental health blog and in general is a great loving person. Go and check out her blog.
• Shannon; She blogs about her life and not only that, but there’s poetry! She’s an amazing person and well worth a check!
• Breanna; She’s only posted one post, because she got a full time job and is still trying to work out a schedule but here’s for when she comes back.
• AstralOutfitter; if you’re a foodie, this blog is for you! There are a few recipies that sound tasty and a must read for any experimentalists out there. Check out their blog, here.
• LucyMayyyReads; if you’re a big reader… this is the blog for you! From classics you haven’t read, to ones you can’t put down. Check her out now!

5 Questions Asked

• What is your favourite song of all time?
• What makes you smile most when you’re upset?
• Have you ever played a prank on someone? If so, I want details.
• Where do you see yourself in five years?
• Dr Pepper or Coca-Cola?

Thank you again Ron, for nominating me, it means a lot! And to all my readers, thank you for taking the time to read through a post that is very much about showing support to multiple bloggers that aren’t as mainstream as they should be. I hope you all have a good day, and as always, keep smiling. Ferrari.

I tried stand up…

I have a lot of bad habits that I’m trying to kick in my life and one of them, is living life in fear. I let fear control a lot of what I say and do which is no way to live and I never want Luna to live her life behind fear. I want her to reach for the moon and land among the stars. I want her to never give up on something that she really wants, no matter how out there it may be. I figured it would be time to start facing those fears, even if it means landing flat on my arse.

I love to make people laugh and try to cheer everyone up as best I can, because I hate it when people aren’t okay. I have a lot of love for stand-up comedians and even more so now that I have gotten up on stage and seen it through their eyes. I have a lot more respect for what they do and let me tell you now, it is tough!

So, for the last few months, I’ve been saying that I wanted to do a comedy night because I am hilarious –in the words of others anyway-. And figured why not. I mean what did I really have to lose. Nothing. That’s what. Me and one of my mates were discussing about when would it be best to do the stand up, and well I wanted to wait until after I had my teeth sorted because I was extremely self-conscious of smile and talking was a different story. I couldn’t exactly get up on stage and cover my mouth the entire time… that would have looked ridiculous. And after getting used to wearing a denture and by the time I was no longer on any medication for the swelling I thought what the hell.

On the 6^th of August, I was sat at home at about 12pm, and started to look around for places that would do amateur stand-up. I know my brain, if I sit and wonder about it for too long, I will find way too many ways to talk myself out of it. So, it had to be soon. I found one called the ‘Comedy Car Crash’ which I thought was perfect given the fact I was named after a car. I wanted to be covered for if it was a complete wreck. They had one that night at half 7… I thought it was perfect and messaged one of my friends to ask what his plans were for that night and when he said he didn’t have any, I was like great!

Well, that night I made my way to London, first stopping off at my mate’s house to drop my stuff off and to get ready and then onto The Lion’s Den in Bar Rumba off Piccadilly Circus. I signed up and was told that all 14 places were filled, so I’d go in the Wishlist hat which meant the chance of performing became smaller. I figured that I could have one drink to calm the nerves that had started building. I wasn’t nervous until I got there and started to realise there was a chance, I’d be talking to a room full of strangers and trying to make them laugh. I don’t honestly it set in until I got there and because of it, I was deluding myself.

One drink turned into two before the show had even started. I was a nervous wreck. What was I doing? I hadn’t prepared anything. I was just going to wing it. I saw all these faces building and I was getting worse. If the alcohol wasn’t going to make me hurl, my own anxiety was. We were told that the show would be starting in three minutes and I was started to take it out on my drink. It went pretty quickly.

*Side note* Now this is where my brain gets fuzzy and I apologise. I was a wreck. I did make notes for this piece whilst I was drunk, and they are quite interesting to read sober. Let me tell you.

The show started with Chester Constable and I can remember laughing so hard. He was a great way to start the show and it made me forget for a few minutes what I was going to be doing that night. He managed to make me laugh and forget my mind but that could have had something to do with the alcohol in my system. Then the acts started to come on stage, and it was interesting. I got to see so many different people and different styles of comedy that I found myself in stitches for most of the first half.

At the time of the second half starting, I was onto my fourth drink. My mind was telling me that the chances of me performing were slim to none as there was already ten other people in the wish list hat. I believed it and continued to drink. By the time I was halfway through my fourth one, I looked at my friend and said, it’ll be just my luck that I must get on stage this intoxicated. Well, wasn’t I right? By the time everyone had performed, it was close to the end of the night and it was time for the wish list. They would pick as many as they could to perform that night and picking a couple at the end for a guaranteed spot next week. My chances of performing just shot through the roof and I was way too intoxicated to take it seriously.

The first act of our group performed, and I was sitting there thinking that wasn’t too bad. Who’s going to get up and follow that. Then the host got to the stage and started talking about a car… I knew it was me. Me and my mate looked at each other at the same time and I was just like OH CRAP! My insides wanted to pour onto the floor. My mind was a mess and I’m not going to lie, I was quite surprised that I managed to make it onto the stage without falling over. I got on stage, and my mind went blank. I forgot my name. Forgot where I was. Forgot all about the alcohol and just babbled. I can’t remember what I said, or what jokes I cracked, and a part of me thinks that’s a good thing. I remember people laughing and thinking about well, one laugh is better than none. I think I took the piss out of my name; I mean why wouldn’t I, and of course that got laughs because vroom vroom. But I don’t remember the ins and outs. I remember the bright lights that was shining in my face, magnified by whatever cocktails I had downed. I remember looking into the crowd and not making out faces, they were just blobs that laughed.

As soon as I had finished, I basically ran to my chair, gave a couple of high fives as I sat down and then just wanted to disappear. As soon as the show was over, I made my mate basically run away from the club because I wanted to sink into a pit and just hide! I had done it but at what cost? I remember asking him about if it was funny and he said it was. But then, he would have said anything that night to stop me from beating myself up about it. We made our way back to his and I passed out crying about something I can’t remember. I really did feel for him that day. I remember bumping my head a few times too and I must have been chatting shit, but all the emotion was finally over. I had done it!

I learned quite a lot about myself and about stand up that day. So, I thought I’d make a list of things to do if you ever feel like giving stand-up a go.

• Do not drink your nerves away! It could end badly!
• Nerves are okay. It’s good to be nervous because you’re putting yourself out there, just remember that others are too.
• If you choose an amateur night, you will have plenty other people who have never gotten on stage before so you’re all in the same boat.
• The idea is to make people laugh, so do that whilst staying true to who you are.
• If you plan on drinking, EAT FIRST! I didn’t and was way more intoxicated than I should be.
• Prepare something! Because otherwise you’re on stage forgetting yourself.

I never thought I would get back up and talk to people again because of my teeth. I never thought I’d put myself out there by giving a part of myself to be vulnerable. I was scared that I wasn’t going to make people laugh, even though I do it a lot of the time. I was scared that I would make a fool out of myself and well that’s kind of the point of making people laugh. That day, to that audience, I gave a bit of myself to the world. No, it was far from perfect, but it was me. It was scaring and it was out of my comfort zone. But every single person there that night, helped me push myself and I am so thankful. To all the strangers in the room that laughed at me, thank you. Now, would I do it again? Sure. But I certainly won’t be getting drunk. Maybe I could compare the two, I don’t know. But what I do know is, I want to keep putting myself out of my comfort zone because there’s so much more to this life to experience.

Thank you to everyone who helped and encouraged me to follow my heart to that club that night. Thank you to Liam who held my hand whilst I was so nervous, I thought I was going to hurl. Thank you to the endless love and support I got after! You are all amazing.

Want to see all future fear facing adventures, make sure to follow my blog, Twitter, Facebook or Instagram to stay up to date on what I’m getting up too. Thank you for reading, and I hope that wherever you are in the world, you keep smiling. Ferrari.

It’s not easy…

If you had asked me a few months ago if I wanted to continue blogging, the answer would have been no. I was ready to just give up on it and walk away. I was prepared to delete my and just not think about it again. As you can see, I didn’t do that, what I did was the opposite. I took some time away from focusing on stats and marketing it, I took time from writing -the break from writing was an accident. I had writers block and didn’t know what I wanted to write – I have over 40 drafts because I started and stopped so many different pieces. I was being a lot harder on myself than I should have been and because of it my writing suffered massively.

I’ve been in a dark place for a while, that’s no secret. This year has tested me in ways I didn’t expect and challenged me at every corner. But the light is coming in slowly. The colours are brightening up and I am slowly realising the person I want to be by knowing what I don’t want. I am starting to recognise myself in the mirror. Sure, it’s still distorted but slowly, I will be confident and strong again. I found my smile through the help of Guys Hospital and even with the complications, I haven’t stopped. What better way to build your confidence, than with a new smile?

I realised that I am an awesome person if I toot my own horn. And for me to say that about myself is rare! Everyone thinks I’m super confident and have the world by the horns. The truth is, I have been worn down, and for a long time I was a shell of the person I wanted. Since I got diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, I’ve been learning more about myself and that had led me to be the person I want to be. I am learning control and sometimes it’s hard, but I know my relationships with people are so much better for it.

I’m the type of person that would be there for someone regardless of who they are and wouldn’t think twice. I’m the type of person who would go out of my way for people that I care about. I’m the type of person who has to try to control overreacting because of how I’m wired. I’ve had a therapist say that my brain is like a bus, and when something affects me, that emotion takes control and next thing I know, I’m going off a cliff at 90 because I got too upset. Yet, I never stop caring. My heart only ever grows, and I try my hardest to be a nice person. I’m the type of person that will always support the people I love with whatever they are doing in their lives.

I’m the type of person that will react to everything, but that’s because I’m emotionally invested into everything that I do. I always put my all in, that means the goods are brilliant but the lows, well they suck. Every day, I must challenge my brain and my way of thinking. Sometimes I can stop myself and other times I can’t. I’m the type of person that has my feelings disregarded time after time, so I bury how I feel, and it eats away at me. I’m the type of person that will forgive everyone but never forgets.

I make a point of sharing the big moments in my life, with my nearest and dearest before I shared it with the world because I believe that the people that have picked me up time and time again deserve to know before people I’ve never met. I make a point of reaching out to those I know wouldn’t reach out first because of fear, because nobody deserves to feel alone or isolated. I make a point of making people laugh and keeping them smiling because even for a moment, they forget their troubles. I make a point of never giving on people, even when they’re the ones in the wrong because I won’t let other people change me. I do this because I have a big heart and no amount of negativity will change that.

I have come a long way this year. From the girl that cut her arm because she wanted the pain to be real, then to a train station where I almost made a life altering decision, to being signed off because of my mental health to the girl that has faith in the future. The girl that has made plans with people and goals that don’t seem so irrational. I’m the girl that has found her smile, her laugh, and slowing her mind.

I still have bad days. I still take steps back every now and then, but I keep pushing on. I keep trying even when I don’t see any point. I have days where I nap because I have no energy. There are days where I question who I am and wonder if I am this negative energy that drains the life from everyone I love. I wonder if I’m the darkest cloud in the sky with no hope of sunshine around. Thankfully, these days are becoming less, but they are still there, and they still have the power to destroy me, I make a point of trying not to let it. I make a point of smiling all the time, because a smile has the power to change someone’s day. I know that because smiles are contagious.

If you asked me if I wanted to continue blogging now, I’d say yes! I have found that writing has helped me massively. Yet, it’s helped other people and that means more! Sure, writing is a great way to help me process my brain but, knowing that someone read what I wrote, and it helped them, is incredible. I have met some awesome people because of my blog, and I am so thankful that I didn’t give up. I’m not saying it’s going to be the best blog out there, but I will always be honest and write about things that mean something to me.

I hope that you all have a great weekend, and you smile loads. I hope that even if you are struggling, you reach out to people because there is always someone willing to listen. Check out my social media by clicking on either, Facebook, Twitter, or Instagram and stay up to date with all things blog related but most of all, until next time, keep smiling. Ferrari.