If anything…

I want to hate you. But I just can’t. I can’t hate what we went through. I can’t hate the person you proved to be. I can’t hate the memories we share or the words we said. I can’t hate the nights we spent on the phone and the ones I spent in your arms. I can’t hate pain that I’m experiencing because it gave me the happiness I needed. I’m not the type of person who can hold onto hate.

Before I met you, I was broken. My heart was aching. My smile had faded. I was lost and hurting from a guy who would never choose me. You come out of nowhere. And you handed me all the tools to fix myself. To find myself again. You made me laugh harder than I had done in ages. You helped me open my heart to something good. You found me when I was broken and took the time to help me fix myself. And that was what I needed, because you handed me the tools to get over you.

I may not be there yet, but I am handling it better than I thought I would be. I don’t hate the you that couldn’t be honest. I don’t hate the choice you made. I don’t hate the way you acted. I don’t hate you because I don’t need to. I don’t hate the way you looked me in the eyes and said “we are going great”. I don’t hate the way you rung me when I told you I missed you after being ghosted. I don’t hate the way you was “too busy”. I don’t hate the guy you showed. I just don’t want too. Because that tarnishes something that for a while meant everything.

I can find happiness now in the small things. The way me and my best friend have attempted to smash a world record and keep failing massively. In the way my son will hear his sister scream and go running into help despite being half her size. He doesn’t care cause that’s his sister. It’s in the way Luna loves to share every single detail of her day with me. It’s in the way that both my children still come and give me a hug just because they needed a mummy cuddle.

How can I hate something that brought me back? You taught me to save the things worth saving. You taught me to step out of my comfort zone. You taught me how to want the very best for someone that I have to say goodbye to. You taught me how to fall before I ever met you. You taught me how to be your biggest cheerleader behind your back. You taught me to have faith in things that are bigger than us. You taught me that life will always teach me something and then show me why.

I needed you. I found you when I needed you only I didn’t know that you was what I needed. I found a friend in you that I never wanted to lose. I found a laugh in me that I lost for a very long time. I found a smile that couldn’t hide anything. I found a light that would never burn low again. I found life behind the colour grey. I found unconditional love for myself. I found self respect and boundaries. I found my limit.

I am beyond thankful for all our memories because they were times spent with you. I am thankful for every conversation we ever had, because they made me understand you, for both the good and the bad. I am thankful for every phone call we had at night because I learnt to go to sleep in peace. I am thankful for every smile you sent my way. I am thankful for every laugh from the bottom of my stomach, the ones where I had to literally catch my breath from laughing so hard. I am thankful for every time you became quiet and withdrawn, because it taught me that you have signs, before you become overcome with demons that you can’t hide from.

I am thankful that I got to play such a small part in your journey. I am thankful that it was you because the night we first met, I knew you’d play an important part of my life. I am thankful for letting you in, even at times when I thought I couldn’t. I am thankful for every time you put distance between us, because you taught me how to be without you. But, I am also thankful that you let me in. I am thankful that you opened your life to me even if now doesn’t mean anything.

I hope that I never become a regret to you. I hope that you never have any negative feelings attached to us. I hope that you chase after every dream you have, because I believe you can achieve anything you set your mind too. I hope you realise that I will never hold any of this against you. I hope that you find peace in your mind because I’ve witnessed you crack. I hope that you find someone who you choose at every opportunity but who chooses you back every time. I hope you find a way to remember that I will never give up wanting the very best of this life for you. I hope you remember that I will always have a smile on my face that you helped me find again.

You taught me how to get over someone which will help me get over you. I was emotionally blocked when it come to my writing. I could start loads of posts but couldn’t find the words to finish. I knew what I wanted to say but I couldn’t. I had blocked my emotions when it come to you. I believed you didn’t care so I wouldn’t allow myself to care about you. But that just isn’t who I am and I don’t intend to change just because I’m going through a bit of pain. I was blocked because I was looking at what happened, as the negative of never having you in my life again. The truth is, that I will carry a part of you with me for the rest of my life. You may not be physically in my life, but emotionally and mentally, you helped shape me into the person I am today.

I want you to know that you matter. I want you to know that you was appreciated. I want you to know that you mean something to someone. I want you to know that you need to let people in, because not everyone leaves. I want you to know that even after everything, you are worthy of it. I want you to know that I do love you and lastly I want you to know that I will never carry a doubt of regret about any of it.

So yes, I miss you. I am hurting. Yes I wish this wasn’t our outcome but I can’t change that anymore. I can’t pretend that not thinking about you is easy. Because it is one of the hardest things I have to do. Right now, it’s like there is a reminder of you every where I look and that’s how I know I’m meant to feel this for a little longer. But one day, you will simply be a short but important chapter in my book.

I have no right…

I have no right to want or deserve a place in your life. I pushed you. I hurt you. I broke you. I lied to you. I told you things out of spite and anger. I love you but I never showed it. I wanted you but you doubted it. I can recognise every tiny thing I did wrong and by the time I figured it out. By the time I managed to do the self healing I spent ages doing, I realised my biggest regret was losing you. It was not telling you what was happening inside my head. It was pushing you away because fear told me you’d never stay.

I lost all rights to love you when I couldn’t have you because I couldn’t show you how much I appreciated you when I had you. I lost all rights to want you when I pushed you into the arms of another. I lost every right to be angry when I made you feel anger so many times before.

And I am sorry. I am sorry that you couldn’t read my mind in the times that I needed to stop being scared and let you in. I’m sorry that I wasn’t enough to overcome it at the time we was together. I’m sorry that it took me so long to finally fix myself and by that time it was too late. I’m sorry for every tear I made you cry. I’m sorry for every night you went to sleep thinking you wasn’t enough for me. I’m sorry for every time you felt alone and unappreciated. I’m sorry for every time you had to suffer because of me.

I’m trying to do what you want. But it’s hard. Because my heart is broken and I don’t know how to put it together. Your memory is everywhere and I don’t know how to shut it down. My regret I deserve. I know that. My pain is mine to own because I never stopped causing yours. This suffering I deserve because I focused on my own self healing rather than our growth. I focused on sorting my head out to overcome my fears than our family life. And I will always be sorry for being too late.

I’m trying so hard not to write about you. I’m trying so hard not to remember you. I’m trying so hard not to text you. But it only works so much. Then I just tell myself that you’ve moved and you’re happy. And that’s all I want for you. For you to have true happiness. For you to experience the love I had for you but didn’t show, from someone who wouldn’t wait too long to show you. I know she will never lose you because of stupid things that I let destroy us. And I’m happy for you. For you to go to sleep at night knowing you are loved and you are wanted. I may not have shown it the way I should have, but you meant everything to me, so I hope that she knows just how lucky she is.

You once called us soul mates. You told me I was the love of your life and I read that message so many times after my outburst. Because I never told you that I felt the same. You apologised so much for the last message before you said that, and I told you I’d always remember the words you said and the pain it caused because it was said out of anger. But I forgave you. I had too. Because I knew that I felt the same. I was just too stubborn to tell you. I was too foolish to show you. Now you’ll never know.

I genuinely hope she’s the one for you. That she gets to see your smile every day and know that she’s the reason you are so bright. But I hope she tells you. I hope she holds you every night and knows that she is blessed. Because being in your arms is the only comfort I had in us. I am happy for you and I wish you all the best. I know you won’t read this, which is why I know I can write it. Because I’m not writing for you. I’m writing to heal.

One day maybe I’ll move on. And maybe I’ll realise that you aren’t the love of my life. Or I’ll end up realising you was and I lost it. Either way I’m going to get there. I’m going to be stronger than this. My heart won’t break every time I hear a song, see a show, watch a film or hear a joke that reminds me of you. My heart won’t crumble when I see someone dancing like you used to around my living room. One day, I will get there. Because I no longer have a choice.

I’m honestly sorry that I’m not there yet.

The last time…

I never thought I’d be sitting here writing this. I never thought I’d ever have a reason too. But I have to. Now is the time. And it’s the last time. It’s the last time I’ll ever write how I feel about this matter and it’s the last time I’ll ever think about it in this much detail.

One of the hardest things in this life is watching someone you love, love someone else. Don’t get me wrong, I am happy for you. Of course I am. I do actually love you enough to put your happiness first. And that’s why this hurts. Because it’s not you that’s going to live with this feeling. But I am and I will move past it. I haven’t got a choice anymore.

I will never be the innocent party. I fucked up. Of course I did. We both did. But you didn’t do it as much as I did nor to the scale that I did. And for that I am honestly and truly sorry. I am sorry that at one moment I made the final choice to put the nail in our coffin. I made that choice out of spite and anger, out of fear and frustration. And it’s not even the one I’d take back the most. It’s what I did after that I can’t take back.

I shut you out repeatedly because I knew one day I’d lose you and I tried to keep you far away. It doesn’t matter how much I loved you, how much I wanted to show you, fear always won. It will always win. And it cost me you in more ways than one. It cost me us. It cost me our future. It’s cost me a family life. It cost me everything I wanted with you, all because I made a decision when I wasn’t in the right frame of mind. I shut you out again because I was hurting and you took the brunt of it.

Throughout our relationship, I listened to other people more than I listened to you. I relied on people more than I relied on you. I turned to other people more than I turned to you. And I know that I shouldn’t have. I should have trusted my heart and not let other influences decide for me, whether it was people, emotions or history.

For months I’ve been sitting wondering how I could make things better for us moving forward. I really and truly wanted to make things better. And I tried. I tried to not react to my emotions which is hard when you’re pregnant especially when you’re pregnant with BPD. I tried to focus on us and our future but fear was telling me that you’d run away. So again, I pushed you. I was at my weakest, feeling scared and vulnerable and instead of coming to you, instead of letting you in, I pulled away.

I did love you. I was in love with you. I wanted you. But I didn’t show it. I didn’t show it because I couldn’t. I couldn’t let you see me be vulnerable. I couldn’t commit to a future with you when I was scared that you’d be the one to walk away. I couldn’t open up to you because I was scared you wouldn’t understand. I wouldn’t let you in because doing that, meant opening myself up in a way that meant being destroyed.

I made mistakes. Last year was full of mistakes. It was full of pain and suffering. It was full of choices I made for the wrong reasons. It was full of torment that I was putting onto you. And you paid the price. We both did. Just not in the same way.

I could see you slipping away in January. I felt you drift further in February and by March I made a decision to do something that I shouldn’t because I wanted to be over you. I thought and believed we were over for good so I wanted to break the connection. It didn’t work. I got hurt and you reminded me about it every chance you got.

April, we slowly started to work on things. You finally let me put it publicly that we was together. You let me uploads photos and tell the world that you was mine. And that meant everything to me. I stopped feeling like a secret that you’d rather have hidden. I started to believe in us again. But my thoughts were getting too hard to bare. My mind was going crazy with all these what ifs that just didn’t make sense. So again, I pushed you away.

By May, we were rarely seeing eachother and I told you I was single. Despite telling others that I was unavailable and wanted you, I told you that I wanted to focus on me. Both were true. Because I couldn’t focus on me with you because I still had a barrier up blocking you out. I was still hiding away because it was easier to deal with. And I wish I had just let you in. I wish you knew what I was thinking and feeling. I wish you understood.

June. This was the month that everything changed. We spent our anniversary of the miscarriage together. We got extremely drunk, again we argued, again I let my emotions get the better of me, but that day was already emotional. But still we stayed together and our son was conceived. Our miracle. Our third try at a pregnancy. And I can’t begin to tell you how happy and scared I was all in the moment we found out. Those first 12 weeks, I panicked over every pain, every twinge, every stressed moment. I was so scared that history was going to repeat itself. That our baby wasn’t going to survive. So again, I pushed you out. Because it was easier than letting you in. I didn’t think you’d understand.

Weeks went by with the pregnancy. We argued. We both said things we didn’t mean because we reacted. And again, we called time. We tried for weeks and weeks to make it work. But I never truly let you back in. The fear was always there. I was always worried I would never be enough because I didn’t ever see myself as enough for anyone. It didn’t matter how much I wanted us to work, I couldn’t make us work without sorting out my head and getting over that fear.

At Christmas, you reached out and I tore you down. I was stressed, worried about Luna and not sleeping because the pregnancy was taking it’s toll on me and again you received the brunt of it. You messaged at the wrong time, and couldn’t understand why I wasn’t replying. And I snapped. I snapped like I never had before. I shut down. I said things that weren’t meant the way they were written.

Yes of course I didn’t want our relationship to be the way it was. Because I wanted to let you in. But I was too stubborn to admit it. I didn’t want to continue the way we was, because I wanted to make it better, not just for us but for the family we were building. For the connection we had. But none of it came out because at that moment, I reacted in anger. I told you to move on and instantly regretted it. But fear told me that I would never be worthy of you and it was right.

You look happier. You look at peace. You look content with life. And I’m happy for you. Of course I am. I mean just because I’m hurting doesn’t mean that I want to see you suffer. You already did because I couldn’t let you in. But I won’t lie and pretend I’m okay. I won’t lie and tell you that I’m over it. I won’t lie and say that I’m happier. I’m not.

I took you for granted. I knew how much you meant to me. I knew how much I wanted us to work and I knew how much you loved me and I took you for granted. I didn’t show you. I didn’t let you in. I didn’t make you feel important. I let you down. I broke you. I hurt you. And I never wanted too. I never wanted to lose us. And it took a lot for me to swallow my pride and fight with myself just to message you. And it was far too late. Believe me, I do understand that.

Everything I didn’t want, I got. Everything I wished I fought harder for, I lost. And now I get to live my life watching another be the person I should have been. The person I wanted to be. I get to see you have our family with her and know that I pushed you into it. I get to wake up every day and look at where you used to lay and know that I walked away first and was too stubborn to lay my armour down. I get to know that I will never get to be in your arms or have our future. And I have to live with it all knowing I could have stopped it if I didn’t send that message.

I don’t believe I’ll ever stop loving you. You gave me so much. You helped me with so much, you saw more in me than I ever saw in myself and I treated you poorly. All because I was afraid. I am sorry. You will never know how sorry I am. You will never see how broken I am. And you will never know the true extent of how much I love you. Because it doesn’t matter anymore. I don’t matter to you anymore and that’s okay. Because your happiness means more to me.

I will do everything in my power to move on. To forget us. To forget every memory. Every thought. Every thing that holds us together. Because today, I finally gave up hope for us. You told me you didn’t love me and that took the last of the fight I had left. But if you hadn’t, I’d have fought every day to make you see my world is a much better place with you in it. I’d have fought to show you how much I loved you. I’d have fought to let you in to every thought process, every niggle, every little fear I had. But you let me go and now I have to let go myself.

Our son will have two loving parents. He will be blessed with the best of us both. And that’s okay. That’s all I want now. And I’m thankful that he’s made it this far, even when we couldn’t.

One day I will be over you. One day I won’t be in love with you. Just let me process and deal with it. Let me come to terms with us being over for good. And hopefully I’ll be there by the time our son is born. Because he is our priority. And that’s all I get to ask for anymore.

October 2019 – December 2021. A time I’ll never forget. 💔

Things people with BPD do when they’re feeling unloved…

I was reading a post today where someone asked members of the BPD community things they do when they’re feeling unloved. It’s honestly a good read for loads of different insights into various minds of BPD. If you want to read the original post, you can check it out by clicking this link https://myhealthbodycoach.com/2021/11/28/16-things-people-with-bpd-do-that-are-code-for-i-feel-unloved/?fbclid=IwAR3gUL7vN_znaD56DQr7f7OIdB9TJg8sNWQ2jv_YcrURS9i1XzzqSNvD-Ss. I was reading it and thought how true it was and how many of them I’ve actually done and a fair few of them being quite recent.

The above post is about many different peoples experiences however, considering this is my blog, I thought I’d write about them from a personal point of view to try and help those of my family and friends understand my mental health issues a little better.

1. Ghosting. I still do this! I do this quite a lot. When my emotions are getting too much for me, when I feel like I am loosing all control, I will shut everyone out, despite knowing that they’d be there for me. I shut them out because its so much easier than trying to explain to them why I’m not okay. It’s easier than explaining to them that emotionally I’m devastated.

2. Isolating. I isolate myself when I ghost everyone. I isolate myself because that way I can’t get hurt. Nobody can hurt me if they can’t get close enough to me. They can’t make me feel any worse if I don’t allow them to be around me.

3. Shutting down. When I’m emotionally exhausted, I shut down. I tend to do this most nights after putting Luna to bed. I just lose all motivation. I mean most of the time I don’t even love myself enough to fight through it, so feeling withdrawn from those I love is nothing new to me. My mind jumps from complete happiness to overwhelming sadness so quickly because I got triggered by something and shutting down is the easiest way to deal with it.

4. Picking fights. If I start to feel like someone’s abandoning me or doesn’t love me anymore, I will end up picking a fight, because my brain sees a reaction as a form of still caring. It’s a toxic trait that I am trying my hardest to work on but sometimes it’s something so small that triggers a whole amount of rage and I just flip. I then end up saying things I regret without thinking about the consequences of those words.

5. Throwing away sentimental things. I’ve thrown away a lot because I believe there’s no point holding onto them when they don’t really care… most of the time they do care and I always end up regretting it but I can’t help it. The constant reminder gets too much sometimes.

6. Keeping a guard up. I always have a guard up. Not because I mean to, but because it’s so much easier to deal with when they do eventually walk away.

7. Asking for validation. I seek constant reassurance when I’m feeling at my worst. And I mean, its overwhelming sometimes. I mean it’s hard for me to deal with so I have absolutely no doubt that it’s hard on them too. I’m sorry, that sometimes it’s too much. I can’t help it. Fear and anger are my biggest downfalls when it comes to my emotions.

8. Testing. I have a habit of testing people because I have abandonment issues. I don’t believe people will stick around. So I push them. And sometimes I push them too much so the inevitable happens, but I always know that it’s my fault when it does.

9. Making people feel guilty. This is another toxic trait I have. I always take things the wrong way, based on the manor in which the message is displayed, or the level of attitude that comes with the statement. I then in turn make them feel guilty because of the way I took the thing in question and it’s a very negative thing to do. However, as soon as I’m emotionally affected by something I flip. And most of the time they never make me feel guilty about this. I am trying my hardest to stop.

10. Crying. I cry ALL THE TIME. Joy’s of having very limited emotional control. I can’t help it. When my emotions get way too much for me, I cry my heart out and sometimes it’s over the most trivial shit. Especially right now because I have pregnancy hormones floating around.

11. Turning to substances. I did this more so growing up than I do now. I used to smoke cannabis for a long while as an attempt to turn off my emotions and be too spaced out to think. However, I haven’t done it in years and I’m quite proud of that. Then I turned to alcohol. I used that as a coping mechanism whenever I didn’t have Luna… Falling pregnant put a stop to that real quick.

12. Overthinking. I don’t think I’ll ever stop doing this. I do it all the time, even more so now I’m pregnant. I can’t help it. My brains goes to places it shouldn’t and because of it, I always react to my brain rather than the actual situation itself.

13. Pushing others away. I have gotten to the point where I’m pretty sure I’ve pushed everyone I love away. I watch myself do it and I can’t stop it. I don’t mean too but I do. I believe myself to be unworthy of love so I push them away because they don’t deserve having to deal with the emotional rollercoaster that is my life. I have people that are there for me, but right now, I’d rather face it alone.

14. Overcompensating with kindness. I haven’t done this one in a while but I used to live by the saying, kill them with kindness. I would be too nice to people in an attempt to not feel alone and isolated. Even though I’ve put myself in that situation.

15. Ignoring personal care. When my depression and thoughts get too much, I find it too hard to do anything for myself. I will make sure Luna is cared for completely but when it comes to me, I let myself fall apart. I haven’t done it recently as I have to grow a baby, but no doubt it will come back when I no longer have to require myself to eat enough to support the both of us.

16. Self harming. If I’m completely honest, I’m on the verge of cutting myself right now. Not because I want to end my life or because I want to gain attention. But because the emotions in my head and my heart are getting too much for me. It’s so much easier to focus on physical pain and process that than try and figure out why I’ve said or done the things that I’ve done.

There’s a little insight into borderline reactions when we’re feeling unloved and unwanted by the people we love and want most. Some of them are seriously toxic and it’s a constant struggle trying not to be this way but sometimes emotion takes over and it’s like I’m standing back observing rather than being the one in control. It’s like my emotions take on a mind of themselves which means I only see that one emotion at the time and lose all sense of rational thinking.

To the people I have hurt because of any of these, I am honestly and truly sorry. I don’t mean to react the way I do, and I am trying to work on myself but it is hard. Every day is a constant battle and I am truly sorry that you got caught in the crosshairs. To the family, friends and guy that I love, please know that I really do honestly love you and sometimes I get so scared that I react to the fear and anger, most of the time I don’t mean it and I have trouble expressing what I do mean. It’s not an excuse but it is the current situation.

Thank you for taking the time out to read my latest blog post. Make sure you check out the article that inspired this blog post by clicking the link at the top. If you ever want to reach out, you can find me on Instagram, Twitter or my Facebook page. I hope that you all have a great day or evening depending where you are in the world and that you find at least one reason to smile today.

I wish I could hate you…

It’s funny, I never thought I’d be writing this post yet here I am, hurting, crying, and breaking and it’s entirely my own fault. Against my better judgement, I let you in again. I didn’t because I never truly let you go. I held onto hope, onto faith and onto wishes that I wanted so desperately to come true. I wanted to believe in your words more than your actions. I wanted to believe in what I felt more than what I knew to be true. I wanted to believe in you, and I did. That’s why this hurts so much. Because I followed my heart before I followed my brain. I trusted my heart in your hands and you proved repeatedly why I shouldn’t have.

I hate the way you broke my heart like it meant nothing. I hate the way you just stopped caring. I hate the way you shut me out after promising me that we would get through everything. I hate the way you lied to me and made me believe everything that wasn’t true. I hate the way you told me everything I wanted to hear. I hate the way you used me. I want to say that I hate the way you make me feel, but when we are together you make me the happiest girl in the world, and I hate you for it because you took it all away and you didn’t think twice.

I hate that right now; I don’t hate you. I can’t. I want too. I want to hate you with every fibre of my being. I want to live in a world where I don’t remember you or how you made me feel. I want to live in a world where you haven’t wrecked so many songs and wrecked my memories in my flat. I want to live in a world where you never message me again. I want to live in a world where you aren’t in my brain each day. I want to live in a world where I don’t worry about you anymore. I want to live in a world where I don’t care who you’re with or what you’re doing. But I don’t.

I live in a world where you broke my heart. I live in a world where I had to move my room around because your memory was too present in it, and I had to do that whilst being 26 weeks pregnant. I live in a world where you don’t talk to me, you don’t even care. And it’s horrible because unlike you, my feelings were real and now they are destroying me! I live in a world where I have to pretend to be okay because you’re not around. I live in a world where you couldn’t care about who you hurt or what you’ve done.

I want to say I hate you, that the thought of you makes me sick and angry, that if I ever saw you, I’d be over it enough to not even acknowledge you, but I don’t. I want too but I can’t. I physically can’t hate you and I wish I could. If I hated you, this wouldn’t hurt. If I hated you, I wouldn’t still be crying over a guy that really doesn’t deserve it. If I hated you, I’d be able to move on. But right now, I’m grieving us whilst being so hormonal because everything ended whilst I was pregnant! I want to say I’d never forgive you, but I will. Because that is the type of person I am. I won’t allow you and your personality destroy that.

Yes, I am hurting. Yes, I can’t stand thinking about you without crying. I can’t say it’s all okay because it’s not. I’m going through emotions that are hard for me to control to begin with, and yet because I’m emotionally invested, it’s so much harder. Because I’m “emotionally unstable,” it feels like the end of my world. You have me questioning my self-worth. You have me believing that I am not worthy of anything right now. You have me thinking that I brought this all on myself. That I deserve every ounce of pain that I am going through. You made me believe that I mean nothing and that I’m not enough. And for now, I’ll replay that over and over in my head until the day I wake up and realise I wasn’t the problem. You were.

There is so much I want to say to you but every time I message, it falls on deaf ears and blind eyes. I wanted closure and you couldn’t give it to me. I needed to understand why this happened, but you wouldn’t be a man and tell me the truth. And you’re hiding from someone who never gave up. Even now, writing this I haven’t given up on you. I want to but I can’t. Because I am honestly and completely in love with you and that’s what’s destroying me. Because giving up would be the easier option and I don’t know how. I’m not writing this for you. As it stands right now, I hope I don’t hear from you again. I want to. I want to have a conversation and get all the answers I need but I don’t and it’s an enigma I can’t understand. Because there is nothing that you could say that would change anything.

I am sorry for any part of this that I did wrong. I’m sorry for the mistakes I made. I’m sorry for the things you don’t want to believe and I’m sorry that we’re never going to be okay. But I can honestly say I tried! I tried and tried again until I knew I couldn’t try anymore.

One day, I will wake up and you will be nothing but a distant memory of a mistake I wish I never made. One day, I am going to get over this. One day I will realise my worth and know it was more than you could ever understand. One day, I will be happy again and I won’t have to fake it because it’s easier. One day, I won’t even recognise the person sitting here writing this. One day, I will realise that it wasn’t me that wasn’t worthy. It was you. You don’t deserve me, and you never have. One day I will believe that, and I can’t wait for that one day.

Thank you to everyone who has read this blog post. It is my closure. My pain and my emotions written down to try and help me get passed this moment in my life. I hope that whoever can relate to this, also finds their closure, even if they never get it from the person they need it from. If you need someone to talk to, you can find me on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram and I’ll be here to listen because sometimes that is all we need. I hope where ever you are in this world, you are smiling because this world needs your smile in it.

What mental health will cost us if we let it…

It’s no secret that I have suffered with my mental health for a long time and over the years, it has cost me a lot of things. I let my brain control my heart. I let it control my actions because I believed the very worst that my brain had to offer. It had me believing that I was alone in this world, that I deserved to be alone, that I could never truly be happy, that I wasn’t meant to be alive, that I am a mistake, that I am the very worst version of myself that ever existed. It had me feeling like no one could ever love me because I am a horrible person and didn’t deserve it. None of this is true!

I have sunk so deep into a depression that I shut out everyone that cared about me because of many different reasons. I believed they were lying, that they couldn’t possibly care because they didn’t know what was going on my head and they could never understand it. I thought that people only cared to get certain things out of me and that I was giving everyone I was surrounded by every last piece of me because I had no control. I was so low that I couldn’t see a way out. I wanted all the pain to stop, all the pain that was brought about by my own brain and it’s twisted way of thinking.

I have thought about ending my own life way too many times and I have come way too close to doing it. I have been so low that I thought the only way out was death, that it would stop all the thoughts and all the pain. Instead of realising that this pain was needed to grow. I wished that I could remove all the memories that cause me way too much pain, because I couldn’t cope with them being so present in my brain. I have over analysed every single thing way too many times, instead of just embracing that everything happens because that was what was always meant to happen, we can’t escape it.

I know that I have so many people that would be there for me at the drop of a hat. That would come down and sit with me whilst I’m at my lowest, that would help me out by talking things through with me so I know I’m not alone, however I always end up shutting them out because I need to get through it by myself, I believe that I had no other choice. However, I realised that isn’t true. I wouldn’t have gotten through everything that I have, that has gotten me to this point without the people I love dearly.

So what has it really cost me when I still have people around me? It cost me relationships, because they couldn’t handle it. It cost me relationships, because I refused to let them in and pushed them away way too many times. It cost me friendships with people that only ever tried to help and I returned the favour by treating them like shit because I didn’t deserve their friendship… or at least that is how my brain looked at it. It cost me people that I will always hold dear to my heart because I wasn’t ready to cope with everything going on in my head, let alone outside of it. It cost me jobs and opportunities because I believed in the very worst. It cost me almost a whole year with my daughter.

I wont pretend that I am okay right now. I’m not. I’m broken. I’m heartbroken, I’m emotionally broken and I am struggling. And for the next few days, maybe even weeks, I will shut multiple people out and switch off from everyone because I can’t cope with the emotional overdrive that I am currently experiencing. However, they know I love them and that as soon as I feel like I can even begin to face myself, I will come to them. Right now, I am looking in the mirror and there is a stranger looking back at me. I don’t recognise myself, because I don’t know who I am. I don’t know how to bring myself back.

I have learned that my emotions and my feelings are acceptable. That instead of running from them, I need to face them and embrace them. All feelings are valid, even those negative ones that we try to avoid. It’s okay to be upset, it’s okay to be depressed, it’s okay to be broken, but you have to figure out why you feel this way and how you can get yourself out of it. If you’re unsure, then turn to those you love because they will always help. Shutting yourself off is okay for a short period of time, but the worst thing you can do is isolate yourself from those that you love, because it will only make you feel worse. I have learned that feelings and emotions are a part of life, thoughts are temporary and they come and go.

Sometimes, it feels like you can never see a way back, but there is a path right in front of you, if you’re prepared to take it. It feels like being broken is all you’re meant to be, but you’re not. Trust in your heart more than your head, because your head will always betray you when you’re sinking and your heart wont change. Your heart will always know the way back, you just have to have faith in it.

I am so thankful that I have an amazing daughter who keeps my light burning. She keeps me alive and without her, I’d be dead. But for as long as her heart beats, I will fight with everything I possibly have to stay alive for her. I am thankful for the guy I’m in love with, because he may not realise it, but he gives me strength. He is the reason I never gave up on love, because my heart will always call to him and I always answer. I have never given up on him, and I never will, even on his darkest days. However, I don’t like him very much sometimes. I am so thankful for having the greatest friends who love me without ever making me question it. For putting up with my emotional outbursts, even when they believe I should be doing things differently. I am thankful for my family, because they are the ones that have loved me the longest and the hardest, even at times when I thought I wasn’t able to be loved.

Yes, I am suffering. Yes my mental health bloody sucks. But I refuse to let it take any more from me than it already has. I am working hard on myself, even on my broken days. I am turning to the ones I love most, when days feel impossible. I am living for all the great things my life has to offer and for a future that I know I deserve.

Thank you to everyone reading this latest post. I know it’s been a while since I last posted and I have a few posts coming out over the week explaining everything, but I needed to write this today. So that when I start to sink, I can see that I know its only temporary. Thank you for all your continued support. If you want to get in touch, head over to my Facebook page, Instagram or Twitter and I will always answer, because no one deserves to feel alone in this world. But most of all, I hope where ever you are in this world, whatever your mental state is, that you smile because a smile is the most important thing you can ever wear.

Don’t trust a fuck boy…

Okay, so clearly I know that it’s not just boys that fuck with peoples emotions. Girls are just as capable to do it too. But firstly, I’ve never dated a fuck girl so I can’t comment on them, and most of my friends that are currently falling for the traps are coming from experiences with guys, so as I can relate to them, I will. I also know that not every guy is a fuck boy, that’s because there are a lot of men out there, but I’m not talking about them. This post is specifically about the boys posing as men.

We all know the type of immature men that come into our inboxes and promising us the world only to ghost us when they don’t get what they want, but then they also ghost you when they get exactly what they want because the truth is, they used you for an ego trip. They needed to feel better and you were collateral damage. They are the types of people that can’t commit, even though they promise you they will. They pretend to care for all the uses that they need and then drop you. This leaves you feeling emotional and unwanted. It makes you believe you were a toy for them and that you aren’t worthy… the truth is, that is complete bull! They are the ones that aren’t worthy. They are the ones who are immature and shouldn’t be going near anyone unless they truly wanted it. They are the ones that believe their own lies so much that you fall for them to. Now to my girls that continue to fall for this B.S, listen to me. You are worth more than that! You are Queens who were not put on this Earth to be an ego trip for the likes of them. You deserve better!

Over my many years of falling into the traps of dating boys instead of men, I’ve learned a few things. And it’s things that you really need to pay attention too, because it will save you a lot of heartache down the line. They say many things but their actions will contradict. It’s so easy to fall for it, because of how often they do it to other people. And you are worth more than that!

Phrases they will use to start to build that “bond” with you and I’m going to talk to you about the main phrases in great detail. The first one being You can trust me. Most boys, will want you to trust them without every giving you any reason to trust them. They say this because if they can make you feel comfortable with telling them anything, you’re less likely to notice when they change. They use this because by allowing yourself to trust them, they get close enough to hurt you even if you don’t want them too.

I promise I will always be here. They say this because they want you to believe they are in it for the long haul. They want you to believe that they will stick around when things get tough. This way, you let your guard down a little which makes it easier for them to worm their way in. They know that by saying things like this, you’re more likely to be open with them and as soon as you start opening up, they can start to take advantage of it.

You’ve changed my life. This is a classic! They will always tell you that you’ve changed their life even if you’ve only been talking for a short while. They will say things like, you’ve made me so happy over the last insert time frame here, that they never want to lose you. They do this because it’s the easiest way for you to believe you mean something to them. But I can assure you, they will disappear as quickly as they came because you didn’t change anything and you didn’t really make them happy. You just entertained them at a time they were feeling low.

We want the same things. They say they want the same things as you and chances are you told them what you wanted first. Chances are, you spilled your heart out to them about what you want from your future, and they agree with you so that you believe you’re on the same page. You aren’t. You’re not even reading the same book! The best way to figure the lies out from the truth is to ask them questions. Ask their deepest fears and their biggest dreams. It’s very rare that someone can lie about their insecurities and if they do, you deserve better than that.

It’s not just about sex. Of course it isn’t… until you give it to them. They will try their luck as much as they can, and if they believe you’re not going to give in and give them sex, they drop you like a piece of rubbish and move along. This is because it was about the sex. They wanted sex and hoped that they could worm their way in to the point you would feel comfortable enough to allow them into your bed. Do not do it! If you have any suspicions about them, make them wait! And if they can’t wait, they never truly wanted anything more than for you to be a notch on their bed post.

I’m not a jealous person but… Of course they aren’t jealous. Why would they need to be jealous, they don’t actually care. They tell you this because they think that if you believe they don’t want anyone else, you’ll believe that you going near anyone else will drive them wild. It doesn’t. They simply say it because it gives the impression that you are the only one they’re talking too. You’re not. I can lay money down on their being multiple girls.

You deserve better than what you’re going through. They say this to get in that pretty little head of yours. They make you believe that you deserve the world. They make you believe that whoever is making you feel low, isn’t worth it because it gives them more of a chance to get what they want. It gives them the upper hand by you believing that this person will be a better match for you, only to drop you after you’ve fulfilled your purpose in their life.

I want you. This isn’t technically a lie. They do want you. But they don’t want your heart or mind. They want your vagina. They want your attention. They want to know they can still pull someone without really trying. They say this to make you feel special and like you mean something. When the truth is, their want is temporary. It will flutter past like a butterfly and die just as quickly. As soon as you give them what they want, they’re out of here like a 6 in cricket.

I need you. This is another half truth. They do need you. They need you for a lift to make them feel better. They need you to stroke their ego and give them some worth. They need you to fill a hole that isn’t be filled because the truth is, they have the personalities of douche bags so they don’t ever find someone who would stick around. And even when they do, they’re too busy treating them like shit to notice how much you truly care.

If they only give you attention late at night, this is also a dead give away. It means they have a partner who’s asleep next to them so they can get away with talking, or they’re literally bored and just after nudes. Do not give into them. If they can’t compliment your mind and looks, they don’t get to compliment your body. Plus, they generally just want wanking material because they are sick of porn and want a real body to look at. You are worth more than just what is beneath your clothes.

Even if with all these phrases, knowing them and knowing why they do it, they also have that killer charm. They can talk their way into your mind by “being a friend” without actually ever wanting friendship. Most fuck boys will make you feel important for a short time before their attention is diverted to other girls that are putting up more of a chance, less likely to fall and just give them sex or throw themselves into their work as an excuse to stop themselves feeling guilty about the lies they tell you.

As soon as they know you’ve fallen for the bullshit, they become distant because it’s getting too real. They know they have you right where they want you and then that’s where the ghosting comes in, until whatever else had their attention gets boring and they come right back to you. They don’t really care about your feelings, because if they did, they wouldn’t treat you this way. But what they care about is getting what they want. They are so skilled at it, that you don’t realise the lies you’ve fallen for until it’s too late.

Any person that is truly interested in you, will never leave you questioning your worth. They will message you and let you know when they are thinking of you, because they genuinely miss you and want you to know that no matter where you are, you’re never far from their mind. They will make small promises to begin with, to show you that they really feel something for you before working up to the bigger ones. They spoil you with love because seeing you smile is the greatest thing about their day. These are the people you need to wait for. They are the ones that leave you with butterflies in your stomach and a giddiness in your heart. They are the ones that will show their affection for you at every given moment. And it is out there, you just got to wait for it.

If you believe that the person you are talking to isn’t being sincere, then give them 48 hours. Don’t message them first. Don’t give them all your attention. If they pick up on it or even send you a message asking what’s up as you’re never normally this quiet, then chances are, they notice the small things. If someone can go days without giving you attention, it’s because their attention is elsewhere. If they can’t make time for you, it’s because in their eyes, you aren’t worth their time. You are worth more than these types of people. You deserve happiness and love. You deserve someone who is all about you! Know your worth! Because the ones that know it too, are the ones that will make all the difference.

Thank you for reading my post. I know it’s not the nicest of topics, but I’m watching too many girls get their hearts crushed over guys who aren’t worth it. I’ve watched too many girls fall for the same guys bullshit and it’s time they started to realise that they are the ones in control. So own it. I hope where ever you are in the world, that you are smiling and you’re having a good day because you all deserve happiness in life.