The last time…

I never thought I’d be sitting here writing this. I never thought I’d ever have a reason too. But I have to. Now is the time. And it’s the last time. It’s the last time I’ll ever write how I feel about this matter and it’s the last time I’ll ever think about it in this much detail.

One of the hardest things in this life is watching someone you love, love someone else. Don’t get me wrong, I am happy for you. Of course I am. I do actually love you enough to put your happiness first. And that’s why this hurts. Because it’s not you that’s going to live with this feeling. But I am and I will move past it. I haven’t got a choice anymore.

I will never be the innocent party. I fucked up. Of course I did. We both did. But you didn’t do it as much as I did nor to the scale that I did. And for that I am honestly and truly sorry. I am sorry that at one moment I made the final choice to put the nail in our coffin. I made that choice out of spite and anger, out of fear and frustration. And it’s not even the one I’d take back the most. It’s what I did after that I can’t take back.

I shut you out repeatedly because I knew one day I’d lose you and I tried to keep you far away. It doesn’t matter how much I loved you, how much I wanted to show you, fear always won. It will always win. And it cost me you in more ways than one. It cost me us. It cost me our future. It’s cost me a family life. It cost me everything I wanted with you, all because I made a decision when I wasn’t in the right frame of mind. I shut you out again because I was hurting and you took the brunt of it.

Throughout our relationship, I listened to other people more than I listened to you. I relied on people more than I relied on you. I turned to other people more than I turned to you. And I know that I shouldn’t have. I should have trusted my heart and not let other influences decide for me, whether it was people, emotions or history.

For months I’ve been sitting wondering how I could make things better for us moving forward. I really and truly wanted to make things better. And I tried. I tried to not react to my emotions which is hard when you’re pregnant especially when you’re pregnant with BPD. I tried to focus on us and our future but fear was telling me that you’d run away. So again, I pushed you. I was at my weakest, feeling scared and vulnerable and instead of coming to you, instead of letting you in, I pulled away.

I did love you. I was in love with you. I wanted you. But I didn’t show it. I didn’t show it because I couldn’t. I couldn’t let you see me be vulnerable. I couldn’t commit to a future with you when I was scared that you’d be the one to walk away. I couldn’t open up to you because I was scared you wouldn’t understand. I wouldn’t let you in because doing that, meant opening myself up in a way that meant being destroyed.

I made mistakes. Last year was full of mistakes. It was full of pain and suffering. It was full of choices I made for the wrong reasons. It was full of torment that I was putting onto you. And you paid the price. We both did. Just not in the same way.

I could see you slipping away in January. I felt you drift further in February and by March I made a decision to do something that I shouldn’t because I wanted to be over you. I thought and believed we were over for good so I wanted to break the connection. It didn’t work. I got hurt and you reminded me about it every chance you got.

April, we slowly started to work on things. You finally let me put it publicly that we was together. You let me uploads photos and tell the world that you was mine. And that meant everything to me. I stopped feeling like a secret that you’d rather have hidden. I started to believe in us again. But my thoughts were getting too hard to bare. My mind was going crazy with all these what ifs that just didn’t make sense. So again, I pushed you away.

By May, we were rarely seeing eachother and I told you I was single. Despite telling others that I was unavailable and wanted you, I told you that I wanted to focus on me. Both were true. Because I couldn’t focus on me with you because I still had a barrier up blocking you out. I was still hiding away because it was easier to deal with. And I wish I had just let you in. I wish you knew what I was thinking and feeling. I wish you understood.

June. This was the month that everything changed. We spent our anniversary of the miscarriage together. We got extremely drunk, again we argued, again I let my emotions get the better of me, but that day was already emotional. But still we stayed together and our son was conceived. Our miracle. Our third try at a pregnancy. And I can’t begin to tell you how happy and scared I was all in the moment we found out. Those first 12 weeks, I panicked over every pain, every twinge, every stressed moment. I was so scared that history was going to repeat itself. That our baby wasn’t going to survive. So again, I pushed you out. Because it was easier than letting you in. I didn’t think you’d understand.

Weeks went by with the pregnancy. We argued. We both said things we didn’t mean because we reacted. And again, we called time. We tried for weeks and weeks to make it work. But I never truly let you back in. The fear was always there. I was always worried I would never be enough because I didn’t ever see myself as enough for anyone. It didn’t matter how much I wanted us to work, I couldn’t make us work without sorting out my head and getting over that fear.

At Christmas, you reached out and I tore you down. I was stressed, worried about Luna and not sleeping because the pregnancy was taking it’s toll on me and again you received the brunt of it. You messaged at the wrong time, and couldn’t understand why I wasn’t replying. And I snapped. I snapped like I never had before. I shut down. I said things that weren’t meant the way they were written.

Yes of course I didn’t want our relationship to be the way it was. Because I wanted to let you in. But I was too stubborn to admit it. I didn’t want to continue the way we was, because I wanted to make it better, not just for us but for the family we were building. For the connection we had. But none of it came out because at that moment, I reacted in anger. I told you to move on and instantly regretted it. But fear told me that I would never be worthy of you and it was right.

You look happier. You look at peace. You look content with life. And I’m happy for you. Of course I am. I mean just because I’m hurting doesn’t mean that I want to see you suffer. You already did because I couldn’t let you in. But I won’t lie and pretend I’m okay. I won’t lie and tell you that I’m over it. I won’t lie and say that I’m happier. I’m not.

I took you for granted. I knew how much you meant to me. I knew how much I wanted us to work and I knew how much you loved me and I took you for granted. I didn’t show you. I didn’t let you in. I didn’t make you feel important. I let you down. I broke you. I hurt you. And I never wanted too. I never wanted to lose us. And it took a lot for me to swallow my pride and fight with myself just to message you. And it was far too late. Believe me, I do understand that.

Everything I didn’t want, I got. Everything I wished I fought harder for, I lost. And now I get to live my life watching another be the person I should have been. The person I wanted to be. I get to see you have our family with her and know that I pushed you into it. I get to wake up every day and look at where you used to lay and know that I walked away first and was too stubborn to lay my armour down. I get to know that I will never get to be in your arms or have our future. And I have to live with it all knowing I could have stopped it if I didn’t send that message.

I don’t believe I’ll ever stop loving you. You gave me so much. You helped me with so much, you saw more in me than I ever saw in myself and I treated you poorly. All because I was afraid. I am sorry. You will never know how sorry I am. You will never see how broken I am. And you will never know the true extent of how much I love you. Because it doesn’t matter anymore. I don’t matter to you anymore and that’s okay. Because your happiness means more to me.

I will do everything in my power to move on. To forget us. To forget every memory. Every thought. Every thing that holds us together. Because today, I finally gave up hope for us. You told me you didn’t love me and that took the last of the fight I had left. But if you hadn’t, I’d have fought every day to make you see my world is a much better place with you in it. I’d have fought to show you how much I loved you. I’d have fought to let you in to every thought process, every niggle, every little fear I had. But you let me go and now I have to let go myself.

Our son will have two loving parents. He will be blessed with the best of us both. And that’s okay. That’s all I want now. And I’m thankful that he’s made it this far, even when we couldn’t.

One day I will be over you. One day I won’t be in love with you. Just let me process and deal with it. Let me come to terms with us being over for good. And hopefully I’ll be there by the time our son is born. Because he is our priority. And that’s all I get to ask for anymore.

October 2019 – December 2021. A time I’ll never forget. 💔

I wish I could hate you…

It’s funny, I never thought I’d be writing this post yet here I am, hurting, crying, and breaking and it’s entirely my own fault. Against my better judgement, I let you in again. I didn’t because I never truly let you go. I held onto hope, onto faith and onto wishes that I wanted so desperately to come true. I wanted to believe in your words more than your actions. I wanted to believe in what I felt more than what I knew to be true. I wanted to believe in you, and I did. That’s why this hurts so much. Because I followed my heart before I followed my brain. I trusted my heart in your hands and you proved repeatedly why I shouldn’t have.

I hate the way you broke my heart like it meant nothing. I hate the way you just stopped caring. I hate the way you shut me out after promising me that we would get through everything. I hate the way you lied to me and made me believe everything that wasn’t true. I hate the way you told me everything I wanted to hear. I hate the way you used me. I want to say that I hate the way you make me feel, but when we are together you make me the happiest girl in the world, and I hate you for it because you took it all away and you didn’t think twice.

I hate that right now; I don’t hate you. I can’t. I want too. I want to hate you with every fibre of my being. I want to live in a world where I don’t remember you or how you made me feel. I want to live in a world where you haven’t wrecked so many songs and wrecked my memories in my flat. I want to live in a world where you never message me again. I want to live in a world where you aren’t in my brain each day. I want to live in a world where I don’t worry about you anymore. I want to live in a world where I don’t care who you’re with or what you’re doing. But I don’t.

I live in a world where you broke my heart. I live in a world where I had to move my room around because your memory was too present in it, and I had to do that whilst being 26 weeks pregnant. I live in a world where you don’t talk to me, you don’t even care. And it’s horrible because unlike you, my feelings were real and now they are destroying me! I live in a world where I have to pretend to be okay because you’re not around. I live in a world where you couldn’t care about who you hurt or what you’ve done.

I want to say I hate you, that the thought of you makes me sick and angry, that if I ever saw you, I’d be over it enough to not even acknowledge you, but I don’t. I want too but I can’t. I physically can’t hate you and I wish I could. If I hated you, this wouldn’t hurt. If I hated you, I wouldn’t still be crying over a guy that really doesn’t deserve it. If I hated you, I’d be able to move on. But right now, I’m grieving us whilst being so hormonal because everything ended whilst I was pregnant! I want to say I’d never forgive you, but I will. Because that is the type of person I am. I won’t allow you and your personality destroy that.

Yes, I am hurting. Yes, I can’t stand thinking about you without crying. I can’t say it’s all okay because it’s not. I’m going through emotions that are hard for me to control to begin with, and yet because I’m emotionally invested, it’s so much harder. Because I’m “emotionally unstable,” it feels like the end of my world. You have me questioning my self-worth. You have me believing that I am not worthy of anything right now. You have me thinking that I brought this all on myself. That I deserve every ounce of pain that I am going through. You made me believe that I mean nothing and that I’m not enough. And for now, I’ll replay that over and over in my head until the day I wake up and realise I wasn’t the problem. You were.

There is so much I want to say to you but every time I message, it falls on deaf ears and blind eyes. I wanted closure and you couldn’t give it to me. I needed to understand why this happened, but you wouldn’t be a man and tell me the truth. And you’re hiding from someone who never gave up. Even now, writing this I haven’t given up on you. I want to but I can’t. Because I am honestly and completely in love with you and that’s what’s destroying me. Because giving up would be the easier option and I don’t know how. I’m not writing this for you. As it stands right now, I hope I don’t hear from you again. I want to. I want to have a conversation and get all the answers I need but I don’t and it’s an enigma I can’t understand. Because there is nothing that you could say that would change anything.

I am sorry for any part of this that I did wrong. I’m sorry for the mistakes I made. I’m sorry for the things you don’t want to believe and I’m sorry that we’re never going to be okay. But I can honestly say I tried! I tried and tried again until I knew I couldn’t try anymore.

One day, I will wake up and you will be nothing but a distant memory of a mistake I wish I never made. One day, I am going to get over this. One day I will realise my worth and know it was more than you could ever understand. One day, I will be happy again and I won’t have to fake it because it’s easier. One day, I won’t even recognise the person sitting here writing this. One day, I will realise that it wasn’t me that wasn’t worthy. It was you. You don’t deserve me, and you never have. One day I will believe that, and I can’t wait for that one day.

Thank you to everyone who has read this blog post. It is my closure. My pain and my emotions written down to try and help me get passed this moment in my life. I hope that whoever can relate to this, also finds their closure, even if they never get it from the person they need it from. If you need someone to talk to, you can find me on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram and I’ll be here to listen because sometimes that is all we need. I hope where ever you are in this world, you are smiling because this world needs your smile in it.

Don’t trust a fuck boy…

Okay, so clearly I know that it’s not just boys that fuck with peoples emotions. Girls are just as capable to do it too. But firstly, I’ve never dated a fuck girl so I can’t comment on them, and most of my friends that are currently falling for the traps are coming from experiences with guys, so as I can relate to them, I will. I also know that not every guy is a fuck boy, that’s because there are a lot of men out there, but I’m not talking about them. This post is specifically about the boys posing as men.

We all know the type of immature men that come into our inboxes and promising us the world only to ghost us when they don’t get what they want, but then they also ghost you when they get exactly what they want because the truth is, they used you for an ego trip. They needed to feel better and you were collateral damage. They are the types of people that can’t commit, even though they promise you they will. They pretend to care for all the uses that they need and then drop you. This leaves you feeling emotional and unwanted. It makes you believe you were a toy for them and that you aren’t worthy… the truth is, that is complete bull! They are the ones that aren’t worthy. They are the ones who are immature and shouldn’t be going near anyone unless they truly wanted it. They are the ones that believe their own lies so much that you fall for them to. Now to my girls that continue to fall for this B.S, listen to me. You are worth more than that! You are Queens who were not put on this Earth to be an ego trip for the likes of them. You deserve better!

Over my many years of falling into the traps of dating boys instead of men, I’ve learned a few things. And it’s things that you really need to pay attention too, because it will save you a lot of heartache down the line. They say many things but their actions will contradict. It’s so easy to fall for it, because of how often they do it to other people. And you are worth more than that!

Phrases they will use to start to build that “bond” with you and I’m going to talk to you about the main phrases in great detail. The first one being You can trust me. Most boys, will want you to trust them without every giving you any reason to trust them. They say this because if they can make you feel comfortable with telling them anything, you’re less likely to notice when they change. They use this because by allowing yourself to trust them, they get close enough to hurt you even if you don’t want them too.

I promise I will always be here. They say this because they want you to believe they are in it for the long haul. They want you to believe that they will stick around when things get tough. This way, you let your guard down a little which makes it easier for them to worm their way in. They know that by saying things like this, you’re more likely to be open with them and as soon as you start opening up, they can start to take advantage of it.

You’ve changed my life. This is a classic! They will always tell you that you’ve changed their life even if you’ve only been talking for a short while. They will say things like, you’ve made me so happy over the last insert time frame here, that they never want to lose you. They do this because it’s the easiest way for you to believe you mean something to them. But I can assure you, they will disappear as quickly as they came because you didn’t change anything and you didn’t really make them happy. You just entertained them at a time they were feeling low.

We want the same things. They say they want the same things as you and chances are you told them what you wanted first. Chances are, you spilled your heart out to them about what you want from your future, and they agree with you so that you believe you’re on the same page. You aren’t. You’re not even reading the same book! The best way to figure the lies out from the truth is to ask them questions. Ask their deepest fears and their biggest dreams. It’s very rare that someone can lie about their insecurities and if they do, you deserve better than that.

It’s not just about sex. Of course it isn’t… until you give it to them. They will try their luck as much as they can, and if they believe you’re not going to give in and give them sex, they drop you like a piece of rubbish and move along. This is because it was about the sex. They wanted sex and hoped that they could worm their way in to the point you would feel comfortable enough to allow them into your bed. Do not do it! If you have any suspicions about them, make them wait! And if they can’t wait, they never truly wanted anything more than for you to be a notch on their bed post.

I’m not a jealous person but… Of course they aren’t jealous. Why would they need to be jealous, they don’t actually care. They tell you this because they think that if you believe they don’t want anyone else, you’ll believe that you going near anyone else will drive them wild. It doesn’t. They simply say it because it gives the impression that you are the only one they’re talking too. You’re not. I can lay money down on their being multiple girls.

You deserve better than what you’re going through. They say this to get in that pretty little head of yours. They make you believe that you deserve the world. They make you believe that whoever is making you feel low, isn’t worth it because it gives them more of a chance to get what they want. It gives them the upper hand by you believing that this person will be a better match for you, only to drop you after you’ve fulfilled your purpose in their life.

I want you. This isn’t technically a lie. They do want you. But they don’t want your heart or mind. They want your vagina. They want your attention. They want to know they can still pull someone without really trying. They say this to make you feel special and like you mean something. When the truth is, their want is temporary. It will flutter past like a butterfly and die just as quickly. As soon as you give them what they want, they’re out of here like a 6 in cricket.

I need you. This is another half truth. They do need you. They need you for a lift to make them feel better. They need you to stroke their ego and give them some worth. They need you to fill a hole that isn’t be filled because the truth is, they have the personalities of douche bags so they don’t ever find someone who would stick around. And even when they do, they’re too busy treating them like shit to notice how much you truly care.

If they only give you attention late at night, this is also a dead give away. It means they have a partner who’s asleep next to them so they can get away with talking, or they’re literally bored and just after nudes. Do not give into them. If they can’t compliment your mind and looks, they don’t get to compliment your body. Plus, they generally just want wanking material because they are sick of porn and want a real body to look at. You are worth more than just what is beneath your clothes.

Even if with all these phrases, knowing them and knowing why they do it, they also have that killer charm. They can talk their way into your mind by “being a friend” without actually ever wanting friendship. Most fuck boys will make you feel important for a short time before their attention is diverted to other girls that are putting up more of a chance, less likely to fall and just give them sex or throw themselves into their work as an excuse to stop themselves feeling guilty about the lies they tell you.

As soon as they know you’ve fallen for the bullshit, they become distant because it’s getting too real. They know they have you right where they want you and then that’s where the ghosting comes in, until whatever else had their attention gets boring and they come right back to you. They don’t really care about your feelings, because if they did, they wouldn’t treat you this way. But what they care about is getting what they want. They are so skilled at it, that you don’t realise the lies you’ve fallen for until it’s too late.

Any person that is truly interested in you, will never leave you questioning your worth. They will message you and let you know when they are thinking of you, because they genuinely miss you and want you to know that no matter where you are, you’re never far from their mind. They will make small promises to begin with, to show you that they really feel something for you before working up to the bigger ones. They spoil you with love because seeing you smile is the greatest thing about their day. These are the people you need to wait for. They are the ones that leave you with butterflies in your stomach and a giddiness in your heart. They are the ones that will show their affection for you at every given moment. And it is out there, you just got to wait for it.

If you believe that the person you are talking to isn’t being sincere, then give them 48 hours. Don’t message them first. Don’t give them all your attention. If they pick up on it or even send you a message asking what’s up as you’re never normally this quiet, then chances are, they notice the small things. If someone can go days without giving you attention, it’s because their attention is elsewhere. If they can’t make time for you, it’s because in their eyes, you aren’t worth their time. You are worth more than these types of people. You deserve happiness and love. You deserve someone who is all about you! Know your worth! Because the ones that know it too, are the ones that will make all the difference.

Thank you for reading my post. I know it’s not the nicest of topics, but I’m watching too many girls get their hearts crushed over guys who aren’t worth it. I’ve watched too many girls fall for the same guys bullshit and it’s time they started to realise that they are the ones in control. So own it. I hope where ever you are in the world, that you are smiling and you’re having a good day because you all deserve happiness in life.

I never wanted to be like my mum…

Okay, I know that sounds really harsh, but hear me out. I grew up with a mother who was always around, just not really for me. Not because she didn’t love or care for me, but because I have brothers that needed her attention more. We’ve spoke about it a lot over the last few years and it’s brought us closer, but that’s only really since I became a mum myself.

I grew up in council houses, in a single parent background, with a mum who didn’t work because she wanted to be there as much as possible for us. We always had everything we needed, like new clothes for school, new shoes, and believe it or not, a lot of technology. I’ve grown up around technology, and from the age of like 13, I had a computer, a pink ps2, an Xbox 360 and my own virgin box. Maybe it was because it would be easier to keep me out of her way if I things to distract me, I don’t know. However, I grew up knowing that’s not how I wanted my children to live. I made a promise to myself that I wouldn’t be like her. Yet I am.

I feel like a failure. I feel like it doesn’t matter what I start, I’m destined to fail. And it’s horrible. I was the first in my family to get into university… couldn’t complete my degree. I managed to finish college with a triple distinction however I’ve done nothing with it. The last job I had, I had to leave due to mental and physical illnesses and even when it comes to being a mother, post natal depression made sure that I felt like a failure.

I can’t work at the moment because emotionally I’m fucked. I can’t figure out what I want to do with my life and my novel has had 200 words written on it in the last two years. It’s depressing. And if I’m completely honest, it’s been getting to me for a while. And the other day I actually broke down to my mum about it. Not because I wanted her to feel bad that I didn’t want to be like her but because she’s my mum and she does listen to me without feeling the need to belittle my feelings.

My mum pointed out that I’m not a failure. I may feel like one, but that doesn’t make me one. Yes, I didn’t complete my law degree, but that doesn’t make me a failure. At the time of attending college, I finished my first year with the highest grade possible. In the summer before starting my second year, I was diagnosed with a life threatening disease. I battled that disease and managed to walk out of college with a triple distinction overall. That wasn’t failure. That was persistence. I managed to get the grades I needed to sit either a two year, a three year or a four year law course, the choice was mine. That wasn’t failing! I chose the four year course, I wanted to give myself the best chance with my illness as well. I finished my first year with an overall of a 2:1 and that was a very big thing for me as I was in and out of hospital. I essentially failed the second year of my degree, I couldn’t wrap my head around tort law and no matter how much I tried, I couldn’t attend as much because of illness. That wasn’t me being a failure because I had a lot more on my plate than your average student. And when it comes to being a mother, my daughter is happy and healthy. She is loved and has rooms filled with toys, she has her own bedroom and a loving relationship with both of her parents.

That day, my mother pointed out that I was looking at what I considered to be my failures all wrong. Yes I failed my degree. That’s not a lie, but I managed to attend university to study a stressful degree with an illness that was made worse by stress. I was of high enough standard to get into university in the first place and I still pushed myself even when I probably shouldn’t have. I could have just sat back and not pushed myself, but I did because I wanted to be better. My daughter has a mum that would never give up, that tries to give her the very best I can and I’m always there for her, which is a lot more than some mothers. She pointed out that my blog is read around the world and that is something I should be proud of.

And that was the day that I realised although there’s certain aspects of my life that I don’t want to be like my mum, I’m thankful for what she has taught me. Because of her, I’m stubborn enough to not let things stop me from trying. Because of her, I’m hard enough on myself to keep trying. Because of her, I’m strong enough to battle every day even when I’m at my weakest. Because of her, I’m able to help other people push for their dreams. Because of her, I’m independent enough to live by myself without problems. I can cook, I can clean and I know what it’s like to run a home. She has taught me that I’m not too old to chase my dreams and that as long as my daughter is happy and healthy, that no amount of material goods will matter.

So no, I don’t want to be like my mother because I already am, but not in the areas I thought. Yes I’m a single mum, but that’s because I want to show her that you shouldn’t settle for anything less than what you deserve. Yes, she lives in a council property, but she has her own room and a safe place to call home. However I will continue to be my own strength and push myself when I have too. I will continue to bring my daughter up to be a strong and independent young lady and I will continue to love her unconditionally. I will be someone I can be proud of because I’m not really defined by what I failed, but I’m defined by what I’ve done. And yes I failed, yes I have given up on things but I’m also one of the strongest people my friends know or atleast that’s what they tell me. I may not have a career, I may not know what I’m meant to be doing with my life but I do know that I have a little lady that deserves the best role model so I won’t give up.

I may have depression and anxiety. I may have an eating disorder and BPD. I may have underlying health conditions and all of those may have affected where I am in my life, but that will never define me. And that’s thanks to my mum. She has pushed me to me better and is always harder on me than any of her other children. And that’s because she always wanted me to better than her, despite the fact she’s still a pretty incredible role model.

Thank you for reading my latest blog post, your continued support is incredible and I’m so thankful to each and every person that has read my blog and shared it. I’m thankful to the hundreds of people that follow it and give feedback. If you want to find out about any upcoming posts, or want to get in touch, you can find me on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram. Don’t be afraid to reach out, I will always offer you support as you continue to support me. I hope you’re all having a great day and remember to keep your smile because it means something in this world.

I feel like a bad friend…

I love my girls more than they will ever truly realise. I love how they’ve been there for me through thick and thin, always trying to be understanding and loving, even though there are times where I know it’s difficult. Not because I intentionally make it so, but because mental health strikes at the worst and most unpredictable of times. I’d be there for them through everything, as they have been for me, however just recently, I’ve probably sucked as a friend. I know they understand and just want to give me space to make sure I’m okay again, but if I’m honest, it feels like abandonment… they haven’t abandoned me, that’s my mental health playing up again.

I feel like I’m punishing myself. I feel like right now I don’t deserve to call myself a friend because I haven’t been there. One of my best friends found out she was pregnant and I was so happy for her, but towards the end of her pregnancy, I turned my back on being there because I couldn’t face her. I muted her stories and ignored her messages. Not because I didn’t love her anymore but because I couldn’t face pregnancy, not from anyone.

Over the last few months, I’ve hidden more posts than you’d believe, all revolving around pregnancy and babies. I’m so happy for them, they get to experience a wonderful change in their body and growing a life and a love that knows no bounds. They are creating memories and bonds that will last lifetimes, both theirs and that of their children, yet here I am hurting over their happiness. I want to be there for the list of my friends that are going through this and yet I’m turning my back and ignoring them all.

I recently found out that my cousin who I shared my first pregnancy with, is pregnant again, and had I not lost the baby late last year, we would have again shared a pregnancy and I can’t help but feel guilty. I feel guilty because I should have been reaching the halfway mark in a matter of a fortnight. I should have been feeling my baby kick and having sickness. I should have been complaining about feeling like a whale despite doing the greatest thing that every woman dreams of. Yet all I’m left with is pain and a constant reminder of another child I couldn’t bare. Another child that wouldn’t breathe or live.

I feel guilty that I’m hiding away whilst many of my friends are going through one of the greatest and hardest things and times. I’m hiding and burying my thoughts because I still can’t face it. I feel like when July comes around, all those moments I’ve missed will catch up with me. All the emotions I’ve tried my hardest to bury, will surface and drag me down once again. I look at my daughter and know that I was robbed of a child but she was robbed of being an older sibling.

The truth is, I’ve had the hardest time writing or even being able to sit down and write because even though it sounds stupid, I’m still grieving. I’m grieving a pregnancy I should be in, a baby I should be feeling and a life I should have helped nurture until they took their first breath and every one after. I can’t write because my head and heart are torn. My head knows it’s not my fault and one day I will realise it, but my heart longs for what it will never know. There hasn’t been one day where I have forgotten and I don’t think there ever will be. I don’t know why my other miscarriages didn’t affect me this much, however this one broke down every guard, every defence and beat me from within.

I wanted so badly to be okay. I wanted so badly not to relapse and hurt myself again, but you can believe the thought has crossed my mind so many times. I wanted to be there celebrating with my friends and not hiding away from the ones I love most. I’ve been doing great at burying it. Some nights I can fall asleep and only feel guilty when I wake. However, other nights I keep seeing what should have been my baby, I keep imagining if they were a boy or girl, how they’d be growing. I think about how I will never know the truth because all I have to carry around is pain. I wanted to be able to feel like I was moving forward and not stuck in limbo. I feel guilty that I haven’t moved on yet, that I’m still hurting when I feel like I should be okay. It’ll be three months since I got it confirmed, but three months of what?

To the people that I’m avoiding, I love you and it won’t be forever. To my best girl, I’m sorry I sucked towards the end of your pregnancy and even more so with your daughter. Thank you for understanding, and I promise when I make it out of this, we will celebrate everything that this life has to offer. And lastly, I’m sorry to everyone I’ve hurt recently.

I’m sorry I haven’t written much. I’m sorry it’s March and I’ve only just posted but I lost my inspiration. One day I will find myself again, one day I will return to blogging and the life I love but I can’t see it right now. It’s still dark and foggy no matter how much I pretended otherwise. One day, I will see every silver lining in every cloud. One day I will back to the girl who loves freely and is there for everyone. I hope, wherever you are in the world, that you’re happy and living the best life you can. Don’t lose that smile and you’ll hear from me again soon.

An Open Letter to my Year 4 and Year 6 teachers…

Now that I’m back to blogging consecutively I want to continue my open letter series. And who better to start than with two teachers who gave me more than just an education.

An Open Letter to my year 4 and year 6 teachers…

Firstly, I want to start off by saying thank you! Thank you for everything you did during my years with you. I may not have been the brightest or most well-behaved student for you but it’s only as I’ve been growing up that I realise just how much you taught me in such a short space of time.

Many of our teachers, only have us as students for a short space of time, its so true especially in Primary School when I changed teachers every year. But these two stood out for going above and beyond what they needed to do for my education. Both for different reasons and both taught me much more than just what was on the curriculum.

I’m going to start with my year 4 teacher, Miss Frisby. She was a teacher that came from Australia and taught in the country for one year before returning home. Thankfully, I was in her class and I will never forget her. In the space of 12 months, she taught me more about myself as a person than any teacher I have ever had! She encouraged us all to create connections that were outside of the everyday life by setting up pen pals for us all with her parents’ school in Australia. Unfortunately, when she left, not many of us continued our letters but it was a thoughtful idea. It gave us a chance to get to know someone from a different way of life who could give us more of a perceptive on the world.

When she left the school, she gave us all these little koalas with messages on them and each one was different and unique. They were also personal, and I will never forget mine. She told me to never lose my “nuts” (I used to always say oh nuts if something went wrong, and because I am entirely clumsy, it was said frequently enough that she paid attention). She told me to continue to believe in myself because I had a heart of gold and nobody should ever be able to take that away from me. She gave me faith on days that homelife made it difficult. She made lessons entertaining and engaging so that I could lose myself in my work without losing my head. She helped me look forward to school rather than staying and losing myself in my complications.

She was probably the first teacher to encourage me to become a teacher. It was all I wanted to be when I was younger (If I couldn’t make it as an actress… obviously). She told me that if I continued with the same passion I had and the warmth in my heart, that I would have no problems being an inspiration to others. She was so easy to talk to and the way she helped us learn was what inspired me to want to be like her. She also helped encourage my love of Australia from the way she would talk about it and the pictures that we got to see. Unfortunately, I haven’t heard or seen her since, but I sincerely hope wherever she is in the world, that she’s continuing to inspire other children, the way she inspired me. Who knows, maybe she’s out there reading this, (I highly doubt it but hey, a girl can dream.)

To my second teacher, the last primary school teacher I had, thank you. Mr Rogers, you taught me so much. You taught me how to be a better friend because we all know that girls can be bitchy. You taught me that its okay to be smart and to want to better myself. Every new day was started with a brain buster, something to get our brains engaged and willing to learn. Every day we learned something different, even if it was silly things that stuck in my brain, like what begins with e, ends with e and only has one letter in it… If you don’t know, its envelope. You taught me that the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog is the shortest sentence that uses every letter of the alphabet.

You taught me that inspiration comes from inside and we must be open to the world and its many possibilities. You set me up for life at Secondary School, and you’d be pleased to know that I stayed out of trouble for at least a year before I started to get a reputation for having a big mouth and poor attitude. You taught me that I shouldn’t hide my intelligence to gain friends, even though I have made myself dumber to impress the wrong people. You taught me that the world of possibilities can be found if I am willing to embrace them.  You tried to make sure that we all knew we had creative control over how our lives planned out and sometimes, even though I haven’t lived up to my potential, I haven’t forgotten.

Both of those teachers helped shape the person I am. They helped create the strong and determined girl that sits typing this. They gave me ideas on how I want to live my life and where I want to be. And I think I finally re-realised that I want to be a teacher and inspire people the same way you inspired me. Thank you for affecting my life in the years that I had you. Thank you for everything that I may not have embraced as a child but that I certainly would never forget.

Signed, a small student with a big dream.

Thank you for taking the time to read my letter to two teachers that affected and shaped my life. They may never realise the impact they had on me, but it will never be forgotten. Do you have any teachers that affected your life and helped you become the person you are today? Let me know by visiting Twitter, Facebook or Instagram. I hope wherever you are in the world, you too are inspiring people, the same way you were inspired. Make sure you live a life that you can be proud of. But as always, keep smiling.

An open letter to a broken friendship…

I wanted my first piece in my open letters to be someone that meant a lot to me. I wanted to write pieces in this bracket that meant something to people that aren’t in my life or don’t realise how important they truly are. It’s for the people who inspired me and helped shape the person I am. Those people could be teachers that taught me during school or the stranger I passed in the street at a time when I was at my weakest. But each person helped me, and I want them to know I appreciated it.

“An open letter to a broken friendship,”

Before I start, if there is even a small chance, you’ll read this, I want you to respect the friendship we created 20 years ago and read to the bottom.

It takes a bigger person to suck up their pride and admit wrongdoing than it does to be the type of person that buries their head in the sand. I’m not saying that I am above you, but I am tired of holding onto something that should have been buried years ago… apparently because of circumstances that hasn’t happened. So, think of this as closure. 

You were my best friend and worst enemy all rolled into one big case of drama, and I know the same could be said for me. We have known each other for 20 of our almost 26 years on this planet. That’s an extremely long time and in that time, we have gone from being closer than sisters to being worse than strangers. We have hit every peak and crashed into every pit. But I can promise you now, no matter what you may think of me, it will never change the fact that I’d be there every time you needed. I would answer every call and every message with an open heart because I gave up holding onto anger around you years ago. You may have stopped classing me as a friend, doesn’t mean I stopped being one. I never did. You were just too angry to see it.

We haven’t spoke in three years and regardless of who said what, I haven’t slagged you off. I haven’t undermined our friendship and I would never downplay our friendship. I mean you’ve said some of the worst things to me you could have, and I still would be there for you because that is who I am. I am the person that dropped my niece’s birthday party to come around yours when you were upset. I am the person that held your hand countless times when you thought the world was crashing around you, but I am also the person that wears her heart on her sleeve and has more emotions than sense. I’m also the person that knows this is the hardest month of your life and it comes around every year, and I know you will feel weaker in August compared to every other month of the year but this isn’t at all a dig at you. 

That last argument, we argued, and you said I was the cause of your mental health and that broke my heart. It isn’t true because looking back you had problems that I should have helped you with, but you shut me out before I could. You get something into your mind and there is no changing it. It’s one of the things I do admire about you. I admire that even though you have been through shit, you haven’t given up. But I am scared. I am scared that there are things in your life that you haven’t accepted and if you want to discuss it, I am always here with an open door, but that doesn’t mean that I want you actively in my life.

I have never stopped caring about you. I will never stop caring about you. I have a habit of taking things the wrong way and you have a way of wording things to make the biggest impact. And you always said that if you were to destroy someone, you would do it mentally and for a long time, I believed you. It took many counselling sessions to see that you played just as much a part in fucking up as I did. You can not preach to me that everything you said and did was peachy, it wasn’t. You go above and beyond when you get hurt to make sure that you’re not the only one affected. You make sure that they know they hurt you by hurting them just as much. It’s a great defence mechanism but it will cost you everything if you aren’t careful. I realised that I leaned on you more than you did me, I cared more and for a long time, it was one sided. Even after we stopped talking, it was still one sided.

I stopped being angry after you left because there was no point. We said things out of anger, and I weren’t about to stay angry at myself and, for the thousandth time, I found myself forgiving you. I forgave you without ever hearing an apology. I forgave you for what you said and how you acted. I forgave you for once again making me feel like my feelings didn’t matter and that you were the one being neglected. I am however going to say this once, I am sorry. I am sorry that I let my emotions get the better of me. I am sorry that I got too emotionally invested in our friendship that what you said felt like an attack long before it was one. I am sorry that I hurt you and I am sorry that it’s still hurting you. I am sorry that you haven’t found closure or peace in your life surrounding me and I hope that this letter helps you find that.

I stopped hurting over you when I realised that even though you have been your worst version of yourself regarding me, that I haven’t been the nicest to you either. I stopped hurting when I realised that for every bad and upsetting memory that has you in it, I have ones that made me smile. I realised that just because you find comfort in still slagging me off, I wish you nothing but health and happiness.

I can’t pretend that even after everything I don’t miss you because I do. 20 years ago, I signed up to be your friend for life and sometimes I sucked at it, but I’m only human and I’m far from perfect. That friendship meant celebrating with you at your best and embracing you when you were being quite frankly a pain in my ass. I agreed to love you for who you are, and I’ve known exactly who you are for years and yet I still love you. I love that at one point, nobody could have touched us. That we had the strongest bond any two people could have because we went through hell, sat with the devil and discussed plans for takeover. We kicked ass because when we were being honest and true with each other, there wasn’t a single person that could have got between us. You were and probably will always be my soul mate.

You know me better than you think. And even though your emotions have misguided us, you know that I have been there for you and held your hand more than you give me credit for. I know that you have made sure that I was nothing but a negative memory for you and I pity you for that. You were one of the first people I wanted to message when I found out I was pregnant. I didn’t and still haven’t spoke to you and I hate it. Not because I want you in my life, but because I thought you’d always be here. I never imagined my life without you in it. I guess I was optimistic that we had gone through some of the worst things imaginable and found a way back until that last argument.

There are days where I miss you. Where something will happen, or I’ll hear a joke and think of you. I’d think about how if you were there, we’d be laughing over something so small but filled with memories of a happier time. We talked about what would happen when we started our different families and got married. We talked about being god parents to each other’s children and bridesmaids at each other’s weddings. We spoke about growing old laughing at all the people that said we couldn’t be friends and how wrong they were. Yet none of them will happen, and if you can honestly say that doesn’t affect you, then the truth is my friendship never meant anything. I wouldn’t change the fact that you aren’t in my life because I have grown as a person thanks to our arguments. But I do miss and respect you more than you will ever know. I love you. I always will. You can’t go through the number of things that we did and not have that level of admiration for the other person.

You are strong, stubborn, determined and driven. You have passion and a brighter personality than you realise. You have come a long way and I know that your future is bright and happy. I just wish you could let it go. Let go of all the resentment you’ve held. Let go of the negativity that surrounds me in your mind and just accept that what we had, is something that I don’t think can and will ever be able to be understood by anyone that isn’t us. And sometimes, it’s even too much for us. Let go of your bitterness, because it will rub off on the wrong people and you risk losing them. Just focus on your life because you have the power to make it magical.

“No matter how many times we tell each other we hate each other ++ this is the final goodbye. Yet every time we need each other were always on the side-lines waiting to come back in. Thanks for being such a good reliable friend” – The tale of two friends – Does it ring a bell? It should. You wrote it and its still public on your profile. There are still pictures of me all over your social media and yet you still want the world to believe you hate me.

Girl quit playing and commit to a side. If you hate me, and if you honestly want to sit there and tell me you hate me, then have conviction. Don’t have my pictures on a profile that you’re still using and stop having my name come out of your mouth. You’ll be better off for it. But don’t ever sit there and tell me I failed at being your friend, because even now, id treat you like a friend whilst you needed me.  I would never tell you that this is goodbye again, because that would mean I’m closing the door and locking it behind me. But I will tell you that it’s okay. It’s okay that we have grown and moved on with our lives, its okay that the once unbreakable friendship broke beyond repair, and its okay that we have both grown up. But we owe it to our friendship to just stop. To close the chapter and remember it as a memory a time long ago. But to say that I regret our friendship, would always be a lie.

I will never say that I was innocent, because I wasn’t. Far from it, but I won’t pretend that I was the worst person in the world. I have come a long way and learned a lot about myself in the process. I had to! I had to try and understand over 20 years worth of shit and examine everything after I got diagnosed, because it did play a part in how I acted. I have said some nasty hurtful things out of spite, I’ve retaliated out of anger and you were in my cross hairs. You got handed a fair share of shit, and I will never stop being sorry for that. I wish I had got help sooner, maybe I could have handled the way you said things better. But then, if it wasn’t for the fact that you made me believe I was the most toxic person in the world, that I thought if that was the case, I needed help. It turns out I’m not, it’s just sometimes, you can go through hell and back with someone and not have a place in each others lives. I can be a prick, I would never shy away from that, but I have always owned up to my mistakes.

You were my best friend for the longest time. No amount of bad memories will change the good. And I’d rather remember the positive and continue without any thoughts of the negative. So, thank you. Thank you for every time you picked me up, for every time you pushed me to be more and being the one person, I counted on for the hardest days of being a teenager. To me, school was us. All my school memories, have you in them and I would never change them. Thank you for getting into trouble with me and for getting me into trouble. Thank you for the long chats that seemed funnier because we were intoxicated and for the x factor audition inspired phone calls with your dad. Thank you for being the ying to my yang and being my right side. Thank you for listening to me and being as good of a friend as you could manage. But most of all, thank you for being “the Serena to my Blair”. My life has forever been changed by your presence in it, and that is why I will never hate you.

I hope wherever you are in the world, that you’re happy and healthy. I hope you never lose your smile and your light shines brighter than you imagine. I hope you find the man of your dreams and live happy ever after, because I want nothing but the best for you. I want you to be in the best place mentally with hope for the future. I want you to be everything I know you can and so much more! I wish you all the best because if I didn’t, I would never have been your friend in the first place. But most of all, I want you to keep smiling! The world needs to have your smile in it!