If anything…

I want to hate you. But I just can’t. I can’t hate what we went through. I can’t hate the person you proved to be. I can’t hate the memories we share or the words we said. I can’t hate the nights we spent on the phone and the ones I spent in your arms. I can’t hate pain that I’m experiencing because it gave me the happiness I needed. I’m not the type of person who can hold onto hate.

Before I met you, I was broken. My heart was aching. My smile had faded. I was lost and hurting from a guy who would never choose me. You come out of nowhere. And you handed me all the tools to fix myself. To find myself again. You made me laugh harder than I had done in ages. You helped me open my heart to something good. You found me when I was broken and took the time to help me fix myself. And that was what I needed, because you handed me the tools to get over you.

I may not be there yet, but I am handling it better than I thought I would be. I don’t hate the you that couldn’t be honest. I don’t hate the choice you made. I don’t hate the way you acted. I don’t hate you because I don’t need to. I don’t hate the way you looked me in the eyes and said “we are going great”. I don’t hate the way you rung me when I told you I missed you after being ghosted. I don’t hate the way you was “too busy”. I don’t hate the guy you showed. I just don’t want too. Because that tarnishes something that for a while meant everything.

I can find happiness now in the small things. The way me and my best friend have attempted to smash a world record and keep failing massively. In the way my son will hear his sister scream and go running into help despite being half her size. He doesn’t care cause that’s his sister. It’s in the way Luna loves to share every single detail of her day with me. It’s in the way that both my children still come and give me a hug just because they needed a mummy cuddle.

How can I hate something that brought me back? You taught me to save the things worth saving. You taught me to step out of my comfort zone. You taught me how to want the very best for someone that I have to say goodbye to. You taught me how to fall before I ever met you. You taught me how to be your biggest cheerleader behind your back. You taught me to have faith in things that are bigger than us. You taught me that life will always teach me something and then show me why.

I needed you. I found you when I needed you only I didn’t know that you was what I needed. I found a friend in you that I never wanted to lose. I found a laugh in me that I lost for a very long time. I found a smile that couldn’t hide anything. I found a light that would never burn low again. I found life behind the colour grey. I found unconditional love for myself. I found self respect and boundaries. I found my limit.

I am beyond thankful for all our memories because they were times spent with you. I am thankful for every conversation we ever had, because they made me understand you, for both the good and the bad. I am thankful for every phone call we had at night because I learnt to go to sleep in peace. I am thankful for every smile you sent my way. I am thankful for every laugh from the bottom of my stomach, the ones where I had to literally catch my breath from laughing so hard. I am thankful for every time you became quiet and withdrawn, because it taught me that you have signs, before you become overcome with demons that you can’t hide from.

I am thankful that I got to play such a small part in your journey. I am thankful that it was you because the night we first met, I knew you’d play an important part of my life. I am thankful for letting you in, even at times when I thought I couldn’t. I am thankful for every time you put distance between us, because you taught me how to be without you. But, I am also thankful that you let me in. I am thankful that you opened your life to me even if now doesn’t mean anything.

I hope that I never become a regret to you. I hope that you never have any negative feelings attached to us. I hope that you chase after every dream you have, because I believe you can achieve anything you set your mind too. I hope you realise that I will never hold any of this against you. I hope that you find peace in your mind because I’ve witnessed you crack. I hope that you find someone who you choose at every opportunity but who chooses you back every time. I hope you find a way to remember that I will never give up wanting the very best of this life for you. I hope you remember that I will always have a smile on my face that you helped me find again.

You taught me how to get over someone which will help me get over you. I was emotionally blocked when it come to my writing. I could start loads of posts but couldn’t find the words to finish. I knew what I wanted to say but I couldn’t. I had blocked my emotions when it come to you. I believed you didn’t care so I wouldn’t allow myself to care about you. But that just isn’t who I am and I don’t intend to change just because I’m going through a bit of pain. I was blocked because I was looking at what happened, as the negative of never having you in my life again. The truth is, that I will carry a part of you with me for the rest of my life. You may not be physically in my life, but emotionally and mentally, you helped shape me into the person I am today.

I want you to know that you matter. I want you to know that you was appreciated. I want you to know that you mean something to someone. I want you to know that you need to let people in, because not everyone leaves. I want you to know that even after everything, you are worthy of it. I want you to know that I do love you and lastly I want you to know that I will never carry a doubt of regret about any of it.

So yes, I miss you. I am hurting. Yes I wish this wasn’t our outcome but I can’t change that anymore. I can’t pretend that not thinking about you is easy. Because it is one of the hardest things I have to do. Right now, it’s like there is a reminder of you every where I look and that’s how I know I’m meant to feel this for a little longer. But one day, you will simply be a short but important chapter in my book.

A journey of self discovery…

When you isolate yourself from all outside influences, it gives you plenty of time to think. To think about what you want, to think about where you plan to go, to think about the person you want to be. It gives you an insight into your mind and what your heart desires. But it also increases stress. Stress because you know where you want to go, you’re just not sure how to get there.

For months I’ve been doing some serious soul searching. I’ve been looking at the things I’ve done in the past and found ways to make sure they never happen again in my future. I’ve looked at the person I was and how far I’ve come to the person I am today. And it’s quite a big change. Not to everyone but it is to me. I’ve learned better ways to deal with things, even though I don’t always do it the way I should. I’ve learned triggers that cause me to lose control and I’ve learned about the person I know I can be.

See, I needed to be alone to figure my mind out because I knew I still had these massive barriers up that protected me from truly letting anyone in. Which meant that no one could ever break them down until I let them. But I couldn’t. I didn’t know why I couldn’t until a couple of months ago. I realised what was stopping me, I realised all my fears and anger that was making sure I didn’t consider letting them down. And I made an effort to change. It’s still a work in progress but I’m not that person anymore. I refuse to be that person ever again.

I know that when I’m stressed, or angry, or hurting or scared, that I react without thinking. I say things I don’t mean because I don’t engage my brain. Which is bad because that mixed with the BPD means that during that bad moment, I don’t see anything but darkness and I react to the darkness surrounding me. Instead of just letting in that small amount of hope. But I’m getting there. I’m trying to find hope in everything I possibly can because it’s always there.

I’m a pretty decent mum now, and I’ve handled this pregnancy a lot better than I did with Luna and for that I’m so proud of myself. But I wasn’t always this way. I spent years in a dark place, and when someone came in and showed me the light, I started to turn into a decent mother. I started to find ways to cope. And that was what started my journey of self discovery. Because I know my children would always deserve better than my past. And they will get it. I’ll make sure of that.

The problem with my head, is I don’t know what’s true and what isn’t during my dark moments. I don’t trust myself and that was the times that I would turn to those around me. It just so happened that because many of them didn’t agree with my choices or decisions, they would worm their way in and I’d let them. And that’s not the person I intend to be. I know my heart. I know my brain most of the time, but I know what I want. And to listen to those people tell me how I should be living my life, isn’t what I want anymore. I don’t want to be kept at the same level to please them. I don’t want to avoid things or people because they don’t agree. And I will never allow their opinions to become my truth. My heart and brain deserve better than that.

I’ve come a long way in the last few months. I’ve overcome my brain in many ways and I’ve learned to cope a lot better. Because I have too. I know where I’m going, because I’ve embraced where I come from and made those changes to improve my life, to improve the lives for the people that rely on me like my children and for whoever I love in the future. I know who I want in my life and who I don’t. I know that I don’t need anyone and I can support myself. Because I had too. I had to learn how to do it in order to grow as a person.

I spent years feeling like I didn’t deserve happiness, didn’t deserve love, so whenever I had it, I made sure to push it away by any means. I made sure to make sure that I fucked up because I already blamed myself for not being worthy. However it was those people that suffered. That got hurt. That got broken. All because I couldn’t understand why I felt the need to self sabotage everything around me. It’s only been the last few months that I changed that. I stopped trying to sabotage myself and I started to work on myself to be someone worthy. And slowly, I’m becoming that person. I just wish it hadn’t cost me so much to begin with. I just wish I went on this journey of self discovery years ago, like when I first fell pregnant with luna. But at that point I didn’t think even know I had BPD, I just knew I was over emotional.

This pregnancy has taught me more in my journey of self discovery than I ever thought it could. It’s made me realise so many things wrong with myself that I needed to change. It made me realise what was worth fighting for. It made me realise where I wanted to be in the future. And yes, those plans will never happen anymore but that’s okay. Because plans change. But my determination to work on myself and who I want to be will always be a continuous journey. I will always strive to be better, because my children deserve that and so much more.

Thank you to everyone who has taken the time to read todays post. I hope that if you too are on a journey of self discovery that you find many things that are good with yourself and not just focus on the bad. Remember to love yourself and others around you, not only today on Valentines day, but every single day of the year. Because we all deserve it. If any of you need any help or advice about a self discovery journey, feel free to message me by reaching out on Twitter, Facebook or Instagram on my dedicated blog related profiles. I mean I’m not perfect and I’ve still got a way to go, but I can always help to get you on the right track. And lastly keep smiling. Because your smile means everything to the right person.

I stopped letting things destroy me…

Wednesday night was probably one of the worst nights I’ve had in a while. I was crying hysterically and refused to reach out to anyone… despite many people saying they’d always be there. They wouldn’t. I sat there looking at the scissors and thought about taking my mind off the pain in my heart and my head, but for the first time in a while, I didn’t go through with it. Instead I thought about my pain. I thought about what caused my heart to shatter and what sunk my head to the point that self harming became an option.

I have some of the best friends I could ever ask for, but that night, because of how late it was, I wouldn’t reach out to them. I couldn’t. Even though one lives in another country and it was a relatively normal time for her, I just couldn’t do it. I was being stubborn because how could anyone else understand that yet again I was breaking without being able to stop.

I realised that for far too long I have allowed people that don’t deserve me, reserve space in my heart and my head. I realised that I have allowed people to break me and still let them into my life like it meant nothing. I showed them how little respect I had for myself, by allowing them the chance to do it again. And that I was the reason I was upset. I expected different outcomes to people I know so well. I expected people to treat me the way I treated them, when many of them didn’t deserve it. And I can honestly say, I’ll never stop being the person I am, but I will stop allowing people into my life.

When I started this blog, it was because I had built walls up so high that I needed to allow myself to let people in. Instead of choosing to confide in the ones closest to me, I chose to write about it on the internet. I chose to open myself up to anyone who would listen than try to tell the ones who are closest to me. And it helped so much. I got to write about everything that was going on in my head and my heart without barriers.

However, recently I’ve been caught up in so many secrets that I can’t disclose, so many things I had to bury that it finally weighed me down to the point I was crumbling under the weight. I couldn’t talk about the things on my mind because they were things that could get many people in trouble, so I took on their burden and carried it around on my shoulders. Day after day, the weight was becoming increasingly heavy but I pushed on, until I cracked.

Instead of self harming, I decided to walk away from social media, not all social media, I’ll still use Twitter for now, but not Facebook, Insta, Messenger and Snapchat. I decided that it was time I took a stand back in my life. It was time that I stopped allowing people to treat me like something they could throw away when they got bored. I stopped worrying about hurting their feelings and decided that it was time I became selfish and put myself first.

I wrote down all the secrets that I had to carry and burned them. They were no longer occupying my mind because I had released them into the atmosphere. The people that wanted me to carry these secrets were gone as well. That night, I discovered my worth, I discovered myself and I discovered strength I thought I lost a long time ago. I found myself at rock bottom and knew I would stay there for as long as I allowed these people to cause me pain and heartache.

So I let them go. I chose to walk away from members of my family that didn’t have my best interest at heart. I chose to walk away from friends that lied to me repeatedly for no real reason. I chose to walk away from love and pain that would only bring about my downfall. But I chose me! I chose to put myself first. I chose to believe in the person I am and have faith that one day, I will be where I need to be and everything will make sense.

I am a strong believer of everything happening for a reason. I believe in true love and romance. I believe in finding someone who’s going to sweep me off my feet. I believe in treating people like you’d want to be treated, because that’s the only way you’ll ever be able to be true to who you are. So why do I continue to allow people to come into my life and treat me less? I can tell you. It’s because since I was a child, all I’ve wanted is to be loved and accepted, to be wanted and feel like I belong. However, at a young age, I was taught that I wasn’t a priority. I was taught that it didn’t matter who they were, friends and family would still leave you. I was taught that confidence can be broken and lies can get into your head and make you believe that you’re nothing. But not any more.

When I chose to walk away, I did the first thing for me that I’ve done in a few months. I decided that I was worth more. I believe that I am worth more than empty promises and broken words. I am worth more than pain and heartache. I am worth more than how I have been treated. I am funny, smart, kind, caring, strong, independent and loving. I am a mother, a daughter, a sister and an aunt to some amazing people. I realised that I was the only person that would be able to stop these people hurting me.

I have realised that many people don’t notice. They don’t care enough to notice when you’re going down even when they’re right in front of you. And this can make you feel invisible. I recently dyed my hair again, it’s now brown and will remain that way until next year and my daughter noticed in seconds, however family members didn’t. I was standing right in front of them with brown hair instead of purple and one of them was able to spot the difference. It sounds stupid as it was only a hair colour, but it made me feel invisible and I hated that feeling.

I realised that even though people say they are there for you, you can probably count on one hand the people that truly mean it. And it’s hard, because I would be there for anyone who needed me, I still will as I know what it’s like to be so down that you want to end it all, yet I can’t expect everyone to be like me. To be honest, I wouldn’t really want them to be. I am however the type of person that would answer everyone, just so they feel like they have someone to talk to and that won’t change. But I will stop allowing everyone in.

Having BPD is tough. Some days it’s the best and other days it’s the very worst of my emotions. I realised that for many, it’s too much. For many, it’s so uncontrollable that they can’t handle it. I can’t blame them, it’s hard for me and I live with it every day, but that means that for now, I don’t trust anyone when it comes to me. I don’t trust that anyone has my best interests or my well being at heart. And I need to be this way to allow myself time to develop my worth and fight for things that I deserve.

One day, I am going to be the strong girl again. The one that will take everything on head on and not crumble at the end of it. I will be the girl that can have bad days but not let them defeat me. I will be me again and some people won’t be around to see it and that’s okay. I don’t need anyone other than my daughter, my few best friends and members of my family. I also don’t need to fight for anything that doesn’t make me happy or help me stay positive.

Thank you for reading my latest blog post. I feel like I am getting back to who I should be, which hopefully means back to blogging about more positive things rather than the decline of my mental health. As always, if you ever need to talk to someone and worried that no one will listen, find me on social media at Facebook, Twitter or Instagram and I will be there. You are never alone. I hope that where ever you are in this world, you are fighting hard for the things you believe in and not letting anyone diminish your worth. Make sure to never let the world steal your smile.

Why today is such a hard day…

If you’re a regular for my blog, you will remember that in December last year, I wrote a blog piece about the second of my miscarriages of that year. Well, I lost the first one on the 15th of June and at the time, there was so much going on that I just decided to ignore it and proceed to get drunk. I already failed at caring for my unborn embryo that I didn’t really care about much else.

Emotionally I was fucked! I didn’t want to eat, didn’t really want people around me and hid it from practically everyone. I struggled so much and didn’t have anyone to turn to because I couldn’t face people. I didn’t want to accept it, so I buried it and punished myself for a while after that. The father knew and we had spoke about it but that was about it. It took a few weeks for me to tell some of my closest mates all because I didn’t want to have that pity that everyone seems to give.

One year on and there isn’t a day where I don’t think about all the possibilities. Things I missed out on, things that would never see the light of day and things that seemed like such a waste. I thought I would be able to approach the day feeling a kind of relief knowing that everything happens for a reason, but I don’t. I feel anger and pain. I feel like there’s this piece of me missing, and there is. I feel hurt and annoyed. I feel alone even with the people I love giving me all the support they can.

It’s funny, as the day was coming, many girls have reached out and told me how brave and strong I am, but the truth is, I don’t feel that way. I feel alone and weak. I wish I could see myself the way they all do. Everyone says that life is like a deck of cards and some people receive shit hands and it’s true. I wont belittle anyone by pretending I have it worse than others because I don’t, but for me, it sucks. Now I can do one of two things. I can let these shit cards define who I am as a person, or I can use them to grow and learn from. But how do you learn from a miscarriage?

Do you sit there and say things like “well it was all for the best”? Because that just brings me on to thinking that dying was a better fate than having me as it’s mother. Do you find comfort in knowing that your baby is now looking down on you? Because I couldn’t. They shouldn’t be in any after life, they should be here with me! Do you say things like “it just wasn’t meant to be”, “they came into this world and got everything they needed which is why they could leave”, or even “for some reason they just weren’t strong enough or developed enough to survive”? Because again, that just brings around more painful thoughts that I could do without. So you just say thanks for being there for me and continue to remember that it was your body that rejected it, your body deemed it unfit to continue, your body expelled it. And then you just sit there and want to punish your body for being so bloody shit.

Miscarriage is hard. It’s hard the day it happens. It’s hard for the weeks and months that follow and it’s hard when it happens more than one in the same year. You can’t just pretend it didn’t happen because you are reminded constantly of things like getting emails on how many weeks you should have been and how big your baby should have gotten. You get reminders in your friends and families that fall pregnant knowing that you should have been happy for them, instead you’re fighting through tears wishing them all the best. You get a reminder in what should have been your due date.

I want to say that in the last year I have come along way. I haven’t. I feel like I’m sinking again but I’m hoping that I can find the rope to pull myself out soon. I do however have the best group of friends and family that have and continue to support me on days that I’m suffering. That sit there and listen to me and just give me reassurance. I wouldn’t have gotten through this past year without you guys. I will probably be ending this day drunk as Luna will be at her dads however it hasn’t changed how I am feeling inside, it just stops the pain from absolutely destroying my heart. So don’t judge me that I’m drinking on a Tuesday. I need to grieve and I don’t want to be sober for it. And for all those suffering with miscarriages around the world, my heart grieves with you. It’s painful and soul destroying but you are not alone.

Thank you. Thank you to the father for doing what you can. Thank you to Luna’s father for having her and giving me time to grieve. Thank you to my family and friends for supporting me and being rocks that keep me up. Thank you to all of you readers for reading my posts and supporting me, even those I’ve never really met. You guys are awesome. I’m avoiding social media today, but you can always catch me any other day on Twitter, Facebook or Instagram. Thank you for reading and I hope wherever you are in the world, that you are smiling and embracing every moment, because nothing is a sure thing.

Just a thought…

So apparently I am still having trouble writing. I mean I managed to write 200 words on my novel… I know right… talk about push the boat out. I figured the best way I could try and get round this was to just write the small thoughts that destroy my brain on a daily basis.

Why am I so stupid? I am more than obvious of my own self worth, yet I continue to allow people in my mind that don’t deserve it. I worry about people who wouldn’t allow a second thought to if I’m okay. I check in on people who wouldn’t think to check in on me. I always put myself out there first and yet I’m the one either ignored or berated. I could lose my heart to someone and they would throw it away without a care in the world and yet my mind still finds time to think about them when I really don’t want too. And this has happened way too many times in my life.

Why does my heart have to be so bloody huge? Why do I care way too much? Why do I worry about everyone else when I should be worrying about myself more? Why do I spend more time worrying about rejection and abandonment and less time realising that if they want to leave, that I should just hold the door open and not give them a second thought? Why do I push so many people away out of fear? Why am I so constantly in battle with myself? Why do I doubt myself?

Why am I a bad person? Well this particular thought goes through my head about a million times a day. There are moments where I don’t believe that I am a nasty person, but then something will happen, and I will have condemned myself to an evening of self destruction? Why is it, that many of those that I love will spend hours picking me up, yet I have no problem believing the worst about myself? Why is it so easy to see myself as the villain in every story but can’t believe it when someone tells me how I’ve helped them?

Why have I been so destroyed? I have lost interest in everything. I push through it for Luna, but if I am completely honest, if I didn’t have her, I’d have given up long ago. I would have stopped fighting and just accepted everything. I wouldn’t have tried to make things better because I don’t believe in it anymore. How can I have become the girl that doesn’t believe in love? Doesn’t believe in friendships? Doesn’t believe in trying anymore? How can I have lost the fight in my belly? How come I have finally given in to the feeling of being worthless?

What if, they were right? What if, I can’t love anyone because I don’t love myself? I mean I love Luna more than the air that I breathe and I would die to keep her safe and happy but how can I have fallen so far out of love with myself that I don’t look in the mirror and recognise the person I am? I feel like a stone. Hard and dead inside. What if, I really am damaged goods and all I do is bring everyone around me down?

Why do I hate myself? Why can’t my brain be a normal brain? Why do my emotions have to be so out of control? Why do I have to feel like I’ve been run over by multiple buses filled with different emotions that beat me down until I can’t take no more and crumble? Why do I find fault in everything I have ever done? Why do I look at my accomplishments and feel like I’ve failed? Why do I feel so empty that everyone would be better off if I just gave up?

And that’s a small part of some of the things that go through my head. I don’t always feel like this. Hell, there are moments where I am truly and genuinely happy but they seem to be happening less and less. There are days where I don’t know how I managed to drag myself out of bed but I do. There are days where I know I have to surround myself with distractions or I will sink into my head and hate myself for it. Being there for everyone else is my distraction. It is a way for me to put myself on the back burner and focus on other things. Yet, this blog is my way of opening up. Because, after so many years, I still can’t open up to the ones I love and tell them how I’m really feeling because…

“it shows weakness”… Needing help is not a weakness! Opening up to people isn’t a weakness. Being depressed isn’t a weakness. It’s a strength. Because even on your darkest days, you carried on fighting, even if it was silently in your head. Crying isn’t a weakness, it’s a release! Noone should every expect you to be okay every single second of every day. It’s become all so easy in this world to fake a smile and pretend to be okay, even when you know you’re not, telling people you’re not is so much harder. So you fake it and you keep faking it until you crack or until someone pays enough attention to pull off your mask and ask you why.

I am not perfect, far from it. I make mistakes. I love too much. I go up and down more than a lift in a thirty story building. I smile and pretend to be okay because that is so much easier than admiting that I haven’t got a clue how I am or if I even want to continue. I have to be strong because there is a three year old that doesn’t have another mother in the background waiting for me to fall, but believe me, it would be easier to give in but I don’t. The strength that it takes to get out of bed in the morning and make it after me, sometimes is about all I can do because my head is so out of control. I have problems sleeping because there are way too many words left unsaid and problems I don’t know how to address.

But the point of this, isn’t for me to just unleash the shit in my head, its to make a point. If I can paint a smile on for the world and distract myself from the truth that I avoid, then how many others are doing it too? When was the last time you truly checked in on people? When was the last time that you spent time actually talking to your loved ones without distractions and found the truth about what is on their mind? When was the last time, you took someone you knew wasn’t okay, out just to pick them up and get their brain off of the thoughts that they are drowning in? When was the last time you actually showed the people that you love, that you care about them? When was the last time you reached out and told the people that you cared about, that the world is a much better and happier place with them in it? Stop falling into the trap of bringing people you hate down, stop wasting time and energy on things that really don’t matter and start spending time with people that you care about. Make memories. Sing to your favourite songs at the top of your lungs. Dance like you’re in the middle of a stage and the world is your audience. Smile for everything you like and tell the ones you love that you wouldn’t be without them. Surprise them with things you know they like and make sure that they truly know that they are loved. Because you never know when they wont be around for you to tell them anymore.

This world isn’t meant to be filled with negativity and neither is your head. So surround yourself with people who pick you up and ignore the ones who tear you down. Laugh with the people you love and remember the moments that can never be replaced. Life is short. And we’ve all been taking our loved ones for granted.

Thank you! Thank you for listening to the thoughts of my brain. I didn’t know what I was going to write. I just let my fingers do they typing which is different to what I normally do. Usually I have a topic in mind and plan it. However, I think I needed to get some things off my chest. If you ever feel like you’re alone in this world and you don’t know who you can talk to, reach out to me on Twitter, Facebook, Instagram and I will be there, because You are not alone! So many people have many of the thoughts I’ve had, and I have no doubt that they’ve had many of your thoughts too. I hope wherever you are in this world, you’re having a good day/evening and that you’re smiling because the world is a better place with you in it.

It’s been a while…

It’s been a few months since I last wrote here and if I’m honest, there’s a lot that’s been going on both with my physical and mental health as well as within areas of my life. I’ve been afraid to write. I haven’t had the inspiration I used too. I lost my love of writing that would give me motivation to do my blog. However, I’m trying to find my way back. Thank you to all my readers who have reached out to find out if I’m okay. It’s nice to know that even when I’m not writing, you’re here for me.

I dyed my hair…

It’s no secret that when someone with borderline personality disorder is going through things, they like to make changes to feel like they have control over something. To change something that they’re uncomfortable with or to just try and bring them out of their funk. For me, I dyed my hair a fair few times in the space on a month. The first two times were a reddish colour. It was the first time I had dyed my hair since my daughter was born so about four years. I then decided that change wasn’t drastic enough and proceeded to bleach in twice so it was blonde. The first time my hair resembled fruit salad sweets rather than blonde hair and the second got the result I wanted. I still want to dye it again, maybe pink this time. I’m not sure. I mean don’t get me wrong, I loved having reddish hair and I love how blonde hair looks on me, but I still have the need to change something.

I’ve been suffering with more frequent episodes…

I thought I knew all my triggers. I thought I knew what would cause me to slip into a state that is a little bit on the crazy side. But apparently I have more to learn. I’m trying. I’m honestly trying so hard but it’s tough. There are days where I physically have no more energy left to do anything. I don’t want to get out of bed. I don’t put a brush through my hair. I don’t even want to cook myself food. However, I do get up and I do cook, even if it’s not for myself. I have to do it because I have a three year old who depends on me. A three year old that looks to me to inspire and help her each and every day. So she is my biggest motivation. However, sometimes my thoughts are so beyond helpful that I doubt if I’m even a good mother to her. I can’t help but judge myself and probably judge myself way too harshly. I over think and over analyse everything and it confuses me to the point that I’ve lost track of reality with certain things. And I don’t know how to stop myself. I’m blaming myself for everything and I know that it’s probably not my fault, but I feel like the worse person in the world so it kinda is. In the last year, I’ve lost two of the girls I was closest too. Probably my own fault for overreacting but at the time I was just losing control so I thought cutting them out was the right thing to do. Not the smartest of my choices. But hey, I’m too stubborn to change them. I want too, I just don’t where to start. One of them, I know she’s having a little boy soon, maybe already had him and I’m so beyond happy for her, but I guess I can’t ever tell her. And the other, doesn’t want me in her life and it’s probably for the best but it doesn’t stop me hurting. I will blame myself for it all.

I got the all clear for my adrenal glands…

When I was 19, I was diagnosed with primary adrenal insufficiency, and put on steroids for life after suffering what’s known as an adrenal crisis which started to shut my down my body. I was in and out of consciousness and diagnosed with this disease. However, shortly after the birth of my daughter, I was taken off my steroids and told that some how, my adrenal glands had started working again. After three years and many different opinions, my glands are still working as normal. You’d think I’d be happy about that, right? Wrong. I’m still having many of the symptoms I had when I first got diagnosed. They aren’t at the stage they were, but I’m still suffering the black outs, I’ve still got the kidney pains and weak immune system. It just doesn’t make sense. The constant water infections are back and I’m back on pain killers… even if they aren’t actually helping. Before I got diagnosed, I actually had doctors tell me that it was on all in my head… it just means that I’ve got one hell of a fight to figure out what’s causing it again.

Self-harm relapses…

I was doing so well… it had been months since I had self harmed, however little did I know that within the last two months, I’ve done it three times. My episodes have triggered all the thoughts I tried to bury, which in turn means my emotions are running high. And because I don’t feel like I can talk about it with anyone, I turned to self harm. I’m not doing it for the attention. I mean I live with a three year old, what attention can she really give me? Please note that Luna never sees the cuts. I keep them hidden from her. I do it because my pain is all in my head. The intrusive thoughts. The constant emotional turmoil. It’s all going on in my brain and I can’t work out if it’s real or not, so I cut myself. I cut myself so that for once, the pain inside my head can be real. So that I actually have an excuse for the pain.

One day this countdown will be over 6 months. I will get there.

How I’m feeling…

As you can see, just over three days ago was the last time I cut myself, I’m not proud of it but that’s how fucked I feel. My head has been playing tricks on me. Some days I have really great moments, and then I get into bed and I’m reminded of the battles I bury for Luna’s sake. I feel worthless and pathetic. I feel needy and desperate. I feel lonely and isolated. I feel empty and cold. I feel heartless. But I also feel full of hope. Hope that one day, my head will make sense. Hope that one day, I won’t wake up dreading the day ahead. I won’t wake up feeling like I’ve failed, feeling like I have no purpose. I do, I mean I’m a mother but I feel like that’s all I am. And I’m okay with that, I’m Luna’s mother and she means the absolute world to me but I feel like I’m failing her. I just hope that she sees how much I do for her and how much love and support I will always offer her.

How can I feel so much and so little at the same damn time? How can I feel cold and empty but loved? I am an enigma and I don’t even understand myself. Why is it then all I want is to hold the people I love close, yet I always end up pushing them away? Why is it, that I have abandonment issues yet I close people out before they leave? Why am I so up and down like a rollercoaster that just increases it’s speed at the worst times? All I do know right now, is I don’t have the answers but I’m going to find them. BPD will not stop me.

Plan going forward…

I’m going to try and put in a routine seeing as I’ve fallen so far behind. Luna has nursery twice a week, so every Tuesday I will focus on my blog and put that back to where I want to be. I have so many drafts that I want to finish and I’m finally going to sit down and write them out. So the likelihood is that I’ll have a new post released on Wednesday’s. Thursdays, I’ll focus on my podcast, which you can find by searching openupwithme on most podcast platforms. Fingers crossed those will be released at 8PM every Thursday. Fridays, Luna goes to her dads for the weekend, so I will be focusing every Friday on my novel that’s taken a back seat massively over the last two years. I’m determined to finish it now more than ever. With the weekends being dedicated to my partner and trying to make our relationship something better than what it has been in the past. He deserves to be happy and I’m adamant that I will be the one to make him happier than he has been in the past.

Thank you!

Thank you to every view, every visitor and every contributor to my blog and podcast over the time it’s been running. I’m so proud of how far I’ve come and your support has been incredible. From the people that message asking what the new post is about to the ones asking if I’m okay because I’ve been quiet. You guys are awesome. Thank you to my best friends and my partner for helping me come to terms with some things I’ve been burying recently. You guys are amazing and always help keep me on the right path.

As always, you can find me on Instagram, Facebook or Twitter either by clicking the platform that you’d like to follow me on or by searching “OpenUpWithMe”. If you are more of a listener than a reader, check out my podcast, I’ve only posted a few of my older posts but I’m hoping to catch up soon so all my newer posts will be released during the same week. My latest podcast can be found here https://anchor.fm/openupwithme/episodes/Proud-Mumma-Moment-17092018-er1ice.

Until the next post, I hope wherever you are in the world, that you’re smiling because the world is a much better place with you and your smile in it.💕

Currently I’m going through an episode…

I’m sat here writing whilst crying my eyes out… my so called waterproof mascara has run down my face, my eyes are swollen and my heart literally aches. I can’t stop. I can’t stop the tears, even though right now I wish they would. I can’t stop the pain, I can’t even mask it anymore. I have no fight in me right now. I feel so low. Like, I’m sinking further and further through an endless pit with no chance of slowing down. I find moments in the day, when I can paint a smile on my face, or feel strong enough to do my makeup as a distraction. The truth is, I’m having an episode.

It all started probably last week after I was involved in a car accident. I’m okay. My shoulder muscles a bit busted but I can use it a lot more now than I could after it happened. But that’s when I noticed the small things. The small things started to build up until they drowned me. Three times this week, I’ve found myself wanting to cut myself. I was doing so well. I hadn’t self harmed in six months and I thought I was getting stronger. However, one of those times, I let the pain become real. It wasn’t just in my head or my heart anymore, it was physical pain and to numb it I got drunk. My daughter was at her fathers and I think that was why I gave in.

I don’t know what’s true and what isn’t. Everything feels real. The worst thoughts in my head are happening in front of my eyes and I can’t stop it. I can’t fix anything. I can’t make sense of what’s happening. I honestly feel like I’m losing my marbles. My heart is saying one thing whilst my brain is telling it to stop being so stupid and naive. I don’t feel like I can turn to anyone and because of it, I’m seriously drowning in emotions. I wish I knew what was true, I wish I could make sense of everything but I can’t. And it feels so horrible.

I’m the person that gives everyone else strength, I’m the one that brightens everyone’s day and keeps them optimistic which is why when I crash, I crash hard. Right now, I feel pathetic, I feel worthless, I feel betrayed, I feel drained, I feel needy, I feel lonely, I feel dead inside, I feel scared. And every time I get like this, I push everyone away because I’m a burden to them. I make everything worse without meaning too because I can’t control my emotions. I say things I don’t mean, because right now they feel true, I tell people I hate them when I actually hate myself. I tell people I don’t care, but I do, that’s why I push them away. I’m lying to people, acting like I’m fine when I’m not, but I can’t explain why. I walk to my mums or go shopping and my heart is in my stomach and it takes everything in me not to cry and let it out.

I’m trying to be strong. I’m trying not to sink further and further down, but I lost all control. And the only way I can control myself is by shutting down and restarting.

The truth is, borderline episodes aren’t pretty. They’re painful, they’re destructive and they’re part of the reason people with BPD have such a bad reputation. We shut everyone out in order to protect them. We bury ourselves in our emotions because there’s so many sitting there at once that don’t make sense and clouds our judgement. We see fault in things that aren’t really there because our brain is telling us it’s true. And they can disappear just as quick as they come, and we’re left with the self destruction we’ve caused whether it be through the “love/hate” relationships in our head, or the impulsive decisions, the problems we caused by pushing people away at the time we need them most or holding onto something so tightly because we’re afraid if we let go, you’ll leave.

I’m not saying we’re easy to handle. We’re not. Emotionally, we’re fucked. But the good moments, away from the episodes are worth so much more. The days where we shine brighter than anything around, are the days we long for. But unfortunately, the bad days really do feel like the end of the world. Our world.

To everyone that I’m pushing away or becoming overbearing with, I’m sorry. The truth is, it’s a difficult time for me and I’m trying to be okay. I just need to get out of my head. However my head is the only one around late at night when it gets worse. My heads the only one that won’t shut down even though I’m exhausted. I’m sorry that right now I feel more toxic than nuclear waste. But I will fight my way back. You can count on it.

Thank you for reading, every view and every share means a lot, even more so when I feel like this. I read all comments and love that you share and I’m so thankful to have such amazing readers. I love you. I hope that wherever you are, whatever you’re doing, that you’re happy and smiling because the world is made better with your smile in it.