If anything…

I want to hate you. But I just can’t. I can’t hate what we went through. I can’t hate the person you proved to be. I can’t hate the memories we share or the words we said. I can’t hate the nights we spent on the phone and the ones I spent in your arms. I can’t hate pain that I’m experiencing because it gave me the happiness I needed. I’m not the type of person who can hold onto hate.

Before I met you, I was broken. My heart was aching. My smile had faded. I was lost and hurting from a guy who would never choose me. You come out of nowhere. And you handed me all the tools to fix myself. To find myself again. You made me laugh harder than I had done in ages. You helped me open my heart to something good. You found me when I was broken and took the time to help me fix myself. And that was what I needed, because you handed me the tools to get over you.

I may not be there yet, but I am handling it better than I thought I would be. I don’t hate the you that couldn’t be honest. I don’t hate the choice you made. I don’t hate the way you acted. I don’t hate you because I don’t need to. I don’t hate the way you looked me in the eyes and said “we are going great”. I don’t hate the way you rung me when I told you I missed you after being ghosted. I don’t hate the way you was “too busy”. I don’t hate the guy you showed. I just don’t want too. Because that tarnishes something that for a while meant everything.

I can find happiness now in the small things. The way me and my best friend have attempted to smash a world record and keep failing massively. In the way my son will hear his sister scream and go running into help despite being half her size. He doesn’t care cause that’s his sister. It’s in the way Luna loves to share every single detail of her day with me. It’s in the way that both my children still come and give me a hug just because they needed a mummy cuddle.

How can I hate something that brought me back? You taught me to save the things worth saving. You taught me to step out of my comfort zone. You taught me how to want the very best for someone that I have to say goodbye to. You taught me how to fall before I ever met you. You taught me how to be your biggest cheerleader behind your back. You taught me to have faith in things that are bigger than us. You taught me that life will always teach me something and then show me why.

I needed you. I found you when I needed you only I didn’t know that you was what I needed. I found a friend in you that I never wanted to lose. I found a laugh in me that I lost for a very long time. I found a smile that couldn’t hide anything. I found a light that would never burn low again. I found life behind the colour grey. I found unconditional love for myself. I found self respect and boundaries. I found my limit.

I am beyond thankful for all our memories because they were times spent with you. I am thankful for every conversation we ever had, because they made me understand you, for both the good and the bad. I am thankful for every phone call we had at night because I learnt to go to sleep in peace. I am thankful for every smile you sent my way. I am thankful for every laugh from the bottom of my stomach, the ones where I had to literally catch my breath from laughing so hard. I am thankful for every time you became quiet and withdrawn, because it taught me that you have signs, before you become overcome with demons that you can’t hide from.

I am thankful that I got to play such a small part in your journey. I am thankful that it was you because the night we first met, I knew you’d play an important part of my life. I am thankful for letting you in, even at times when I thought I couldn’t. I am thankful for every time you put distance between us, because you taught me how to be without you. But, I am also thankful that you let me in. I am thankful that you opened your life to me even if now doesn’t mean anything.

I hope that I never become a regret to you. I hope that you never have any negative feelings attached to us. I hope that you chase after every dream you have, because I believe you can achieve anything you set your mind too. I hope you realise that I will never hold any of this against you. I hope that you find peace in your mind because I’ve witnessed you crack. I hope that you find someone who you choose at every opportunity but who chooses you back every time. I hope you find a way to remember that I will never give up wanting the very best of this life for you. I hope you remember that I will always have a smile on my face that you helped me find again.

You taught me how to get over someone which will help me get over you. I was emotionally blocked when it come to my writing. I could start loads of posts but couldn’t find the words to finish. I knew what I wanted to say but I couldn’t. I had blocked my emotions when it come to you. I believed you didn’t care so I wouldn’t allow myself to care about you. But that just isn’t who I am and I don’t intend to change just because I’m going through a bit of pain. I was blocked because I was looking at what happened, as the negative of never having you in my life again. The truth is, that I will carry a part of you with me for the rest of my life. You may not be physically in my life, but emotionally and mentally, you helped shape me into the person I am today.

I want you to know that you matter. I want you to know that you was appreciated. I want you to know that you mean something to someone. I want you to know that you need to let people in, because not everyone leaves. I want you to know that even after everything, you are worthy of it. I want you to know that I do love you and lastly I want you to know that I will never carry a doubt of regret about any of it.

So yes, I miss you. I am hurting. Yes I wish this wasn’t our outcome but I can’t change that anymore. I can’t pretend that not thinking about you is easy. Because it is one of the hardest things I have to do. Right now, it’s like there is a reminder of you every where I look and that’s how I know I’m meant to feel this for a little longer. But one day, you will simply be a short but important chapter in my book.

Things people with BPD do when they’re feeling unloved…

I was reading a post today where someone asked members of the BPD community things they do when they’re feeling unloved. It’s honestly a good read for loads of different insights into various minds of BPD. If you want to read the original post, you can check it out by clicking this link https://myhealthbodycoach.com/2021/11/28/16-things-people-with-bpd-do-that-are-code-for-i-feel-unloved/?fbclid=IwAR3gUL7vN_znaD56DQr7f7OIdB9TJg8sNWQ2jv_YcrURS9i1XzzqSNvD-Ss. I was reading it and thought how true it was and how many of them I’ve actually done and a fair few of them being quite recent.

The above post is about many different peoples experiences however, considering this is my blog, I thought I’d write about them from a personal point of view to try and help those of my family and friends understand my mental health issues a little better.

1. Ghosting. I still do this! I do this quite a lot. When my emotions are getting too much for me, when I feel like I am loosing all control, I will shut everyone out, despite knowing that they’d be there for me. I shut them out because its so much easier than trying to explain to them why I’m not okay. It’s easier than explaining to them that emotionally I’m devastated.

2. Isolating. I isolate myself when I ghost everyone. I isolate myself because that way I can’t get hurt. Nobody can hurt me if they can’t get close enough to me. They can’t make me feel any worse if I don’t allow them to be around me.

3. Shutting down. When I’m emotionally exhausted, I shut down. I tend to do this most nights after putting Luna to bed. I just lose all motivation. I mean most of the time I don’t even love myself enough to fight through it, so feeling withdrawn from those I love is nothing new to me. My mind jumps from complete happiness to overwhelming sadness so quickly because I got triggered by something and shutting down is the easiest way to deal with it.

4. Picking fights. If I start to feel like someone’s abandoning me or doesn’t love me anymore, I will end up picking a fight, because my brain sees a reaction as a form of still caring. It’s a toxic trait that I am trying my hardest to work on but sometimes it’s something so small that triggers a whole amount of rage and I just flip. I then end up saying things I regret without thinking about the consequences of those words.

5. Throwing away sentimental things. I’ve thrown away a lot because I believe there’s no point holding onto them when they don’t really care… most of the time they do care and I always end up regretting it but I can’t help it. The constant reminder gets too much sometimes.

6. Keeping a guard up. I always have a guard up. Not because I mean to, but because it’s so much easier to deal with when they do eventually walk away.

7. Asking for validation. I seek constant reassurance when I’m feeling at my worst. And I mean, its overwhelming sometimes. I mean it’s hard for me to deal with so I have absolutely no doubt that it’s hard on them too. I’m sorry, that sometimes it’s too much. I can’t help it. Fear and anger are my biggest downfalls when it comes to my emotions.

8. Testing. I have a habit of testing people because I have abandonment issues. I don’t believe people will stick around. So I push them. And sometimes I push them too much so the inevitable happens, but I always know that it’s my fault when it does.

9. Making people feel guilty. This is another toxic trait I have. I always take things the wrong way, based on the manor in which the message is displayed, or the level of attitude that comes with the statement. I then in turn make them feel guilty because of the way I took the thing in question and it’s a very negative thing to do. However, as soon as I’m emotionally affected by something I flip. And most of the time they never make me feel guilty about this. I am trying my hardest to stop.

10. Crying. I cry ALL THE TIME. Joy’s of having very limited emotional control. I can’t help it. When my emotions get way too much for me, I cry my heart out and sometimes it’s over the most trivial shit. Especially right now because I have pregnancy hormones floating around.

11. Turning to substances. I did this more so growing up than I do now. I used to smoke cannabis for a long while as an attempt to turn off my emotions and be too spaced out to think. However, I haven’t done it in years and I’m quite proud of that. Then I turned to alcohol. I used that as a coping mechanism whenever I didn’t have Luna… Falling pregnant put a stop to that real quick.

12. Overthinking. I don’t think I’ll ever stop doing this. I do it all the time, even more so now I’m pregnant. I can’t help it. My brains goes to places it shouldn’t and because of it, I always react to my brain rather than the actual situation itself.

13. Pushing others away. I have gotten to the point where I’m pretty sure I’ve pushed everyone I love away. I watch myself do it and I can’t stop it. I don’t mean too but I do. I believe myself to be unworthy of love so I push them away because they don’t deserve having to deal with the emotional rollercoaster that is my life. I have people that are there for me, but right now, I’d rather face it alone.

14. Overcompensating with kindness. I haven’t done this one in a while but I used to live by the saying, kill them with kindness. I would be too nice to people in an attempt to not feel alone and isolated. Even though I’ve put myself in that situation.

15. Ignoring personal care. When my depression and thoughts get too much, I find it too hard to do anything for myself. I will make sure Luna is cared for completely but when it comes to me, I let myself fall apart. I haven’t done it recently as I have to grow a baby, but no doubt it will come back when I no longer have to require myself to eat enough to support the both of us.

16. Self harming. If I’m completely honest, I’m on the verge of cutting myself right now. Not because I want to end my life or because I want to gain attention. But because the emotions in my head and my heart are getting too much for me. It’s so much easier to focus on physical pain and process that than try and figure out why I’ve said or done the things that I’ve done.

There’s a little insight into borderline reactions when we’re feeling unloved and unwanted by the people we love and want most. Some of them are seriously toxic and it’s a constant struggle trying not to be this way but sometimes emotion takes over and it’s like I’m standing back observing rather than being the one in control. It’s like my emotions take on a mind of themselves which means I only see that one emotion at the time and lose all sense of rational thinking.

To the people I have hurt because of any of these, I am honestly and truly sorry. I don’t mean to react the way I do, and I am trying to work on myself but it is hard. Every day is a constant battle and I am truly sorry that you got caught in the crosshairs. To the family, friends and guy that I love, please know that I really do honestly love you and sometimes I get so scared that I react to the fear and anger, most of the time I don’t mean it and I have trouble expressing what I do mean. It’s not an excuse but it is the current situation.

Thank you for taking the time out to read my latest blog post. Make sure you check out the article that inspired this blog post by clicking the link at the top. If you ever want to reach out, you can find me on Instagram, Twitter or my Facebook page. I hope that you all have a great day or evening depending where you are in the world and that you find at least one reason to smile today.

I wish I could hate you…

It’s funny, I never thought I’d be writing this post yet here I am, hurting, crying, and breaking and it’s entirely my own fault. Against my better judgement, I let you in again. I didn’t because I never truly let you go. I held onto hope, onto faith and onto wishes that I wanted so desperately to come true. I wanted to believe in your words more than your actions. I wanted to believe in what I felt more than what I knew to be true. I wanted to believe in you, and I did. That’s why this hurts so much. Because I followed my heart before I followed my brain. I trusted my heart in your hands and you proved repeatedly why I shouldn’t have.

I hate the way you broke my heart like it meant nothing. I hate the way you just stopped caring. I hate the way you shut me out after promising me that we would get through everything. I hate the way you lied to me and made me believe everything that wasn’t true. I hate the way you told me everything I wanted to hear. I hate the way you used me. I want to say that I hate the way you make me feel, but when we are together you make me the happiest girl in the world, and I hate you for it because you took it all away and you didn’t think twice.

I hate that right now; I don’t hate you. I can’t. I want too. I want to hate you with every fibre of my being. I want to live in a world where I don’t remember you or how you made me feel. I want to live in a world where you haven’t wrecked so many songs and wrecked my memories in my flat. I want to live in a world where you never message me again. I want to live in a world where you aren’t in my brain each day. I want to live in a world where I don’t worry about you anymore. I want to live in a world where I don’t care who you’re with or what you’re doing. But I don’t.

I live in a world where you broke my heart. I live in a world where I had to move my room around because your memory was too present in it, and I had to do that whilst being 26 weeks pregnant. I live in a world where you don’t talk to me, you don’t even care. And it’s horrible because unlike you, my feelings were real and now they are destroying me! I live in a world where I have to pretend to be okay because you’re not around. I live in a world where you couldn’t care about who you hurt or what you’ve done.

I want to say I hate you, that the thought of you makes me sick and angry, that if I ever saw you, I’d be over it enough to not even acknowledge you, but I don’t. I want too but I can’t. I physically can’t hate you and I wish I could. If I hated you, this wouldn’t hurt. If I hated you, I wouldn’t still be crying over a guy that really doesn’t deserve it. If I hated you, I’d be able to move on. But right now, I’m grieving us whilst being so hormonal because everything ended whilst I was pregnant! I want to say I’d never forgive you, but I will. Because that is the type of person I am. I won’t allow you and your personality destroy that.

Yes, I am hurting. Yes, I can’t stand thinking about you without crying. I can’t say it’s all okay because it’s not. I’m going through emotions that are hard for me to control to begin with, and yet because I’m emotionally invested, it’s so much harder. Because I’m “emotionally unstable,” it feels like the end of my world. You have me questioning my self-worth. You have me believing that I am not worthy of anything right now. You have me thinking that I brought this all on myself. That I deserve every ounce of pain that I am going through. You made me believe that I mean nothing and that I’m not enough. And for now, I’ll replay that over and over in my head until the day I wake up and realise I wasn’t the problem. You were.

There is so much I want to say to you but every time I message, it falls on deaf ears and blind eyes. I wanted closure and you couldn’t give it to me. I needed to understand why this happened, but you wouldn’t be a man and tell me the truth. And you’re hiding from someone who never gave up. Even now, writing this I haven’t given up on you. I want to but I can’t. Because I am honestly and completely in love with you and that’s what’s destroying me. Because giving up would be the easier option and I don’t know how. I’m not writing this for you. As it stands right now, I hope I don’t hear from you again. I want to. I want to have a conversation and get all the answers I need but I don’t and it’s an enigma I can’t understand. Because there is nothing that you could say that would change anything.

I am sorry for any part of this that I did wrong. I’m sorry for the mistakes I made. I’m sorry for the things you don’t want to believe and I’m sorry that we’re never going to be okay. But I can honestly say I tried! I tried and tried again until I knew I couldn’t try anymore.

One day, I will wake up and you will be nothing but a distant memory of a mistake I wish I never made. One day, I am going to get over this. One day I will realise my worth and know it was more than you could ever understand. One day, I will be happy again and I won’t have to fake it because it’s easier. One day, I won’t even recognise the person sitting here writing this. One day, I will realise that it wasn’t me that wasn’t worthy. It was you. You don’t deserve me, and you never have. One day I will believe that, and I can’t wait for that one day.

Thank you to everyone who has read this blog post. It is my closure. My pain and my emotions written down to try and help me get passed this moment in my life. I hope that whoever can relate to this, also finds their closure, even if they never get it from the person they need it from. If you need someone to talk to, you can find me on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram and I’ll be here to listen because sometimes that is all we need. I hope where ever you are in this world, you are smiling because this world needs your smile in it.

Currently I’m going through an episode…

I’m sat here writing whilst crying my eyes out… my so called waterproof mascara has run down my face, my eyes are swollen and my heart literally aches. I can’t stop. I can’t stop the tears, even though right now I wish they would. I can’t stop the pain, I can’t even mask it anymore. I have no fight in me right now. I feel so low. Like, I’m sinking further and further through an endless pit with no chance of slowing down. I find moments in the day, when I can paint a smile on my face, or feel strong enough to do my makeup as a distraction. The truth is, I’m having an episode.

It all started probably last week after I was involved in a car accident. I’m okay. My shoulder muscles a bit busted but I can use it a lot more now than I could after it happened. But that’s when I noticed the small things. The small things started to build up until they drowned me. Three times this week, I’ve found myself wanting to cut myself. I was doing so well. I hadn’t self harmed in six months and I thought I was getting stronger. However, one of those times, I let the pain become real. It wasn’t just in my head or my heart anymore, it was physical pain and to numb it I got drunk. My daughter was at her fathers and I think that was why I gave in.

I don’t know what’s true and what isn’t. Everything feels real. The worst thoughts in my head are happening in front of my eyes and I can’t stop it. I can’t fix anything. I can’t make sense of what’s happening. I honestly feel like I’m losing my marbles. My heart is saying one thing whilst my brain is telling it to stop being so stupid and naive. I don’t feel like I can turn to anyone and because of it, I’m seriously drowning in emotions. I wish I knew what was true, I wish I could make sense of everything but I can’t. And it feels so horrible.

I’m the person that gives everyone else strength, I’m the one that brightens everyone’s day and keeps them optimistic which is why when I crash, I crash hard. Right now, I feel pathetic, I feel worthless, I feel betrayed, I feel drained, I feel needy, I feel lonely, I feel dead inside, I feel scared. And every time I get like this, I push everyone away because I’m a burden to them. I make everything worse without meaning too because I can’t control my emotions. I say things I don’t mean, because right now they feel true, I tell people I hate them when I actually hate myself. I tell people I don’t care, but I do, that’s why I push them away. I’m lying to people, acting like I’m fine when I’m not, but I can’t explain why. I walk to my mums or go shopping and my heart is in my stomach and it takes everything in me not to cry and let it out.

I’m trying to be strong. I’m trying not to sink further and further down, but I lost all control. And the only way I can control myself is by shutting down and restarting.

The truth is, borderline episodes aren’t pretty. They’re painful, they’re destructive and they’re part of the reason people with BPD have such a bad reputation. We shut everyone out in order to protect them. We bury ourselves in our emotions because there’s so many sitting there at once that don’t make sense and clouds our judgement. We see fault in things that aren’t really there because our brain is telling us it’s true. And they can disappear just as quick as they come, and we’re left with the self destruction we’ve caused whether it be through the “love/hate” relationships in our head, or the impulsive decisions, the problems we caused by pushing people away at the time we need them most or holding onto something so tightly because we’re afraid if we let go, you’ll leave.

I’m not saying we’re easy to handle. We’re not. Emotionally, we’re fucked. But the good moments, away from the episodes are worth so much more. The days where we shine brighter than anything around, are the days we long for. But unfortunately, the bad days really do feel like the end of the world. Our world.

To everyone that I’m pushing away or becoming overbearing with, I’m sorry. The truth is, it’s a difficult time for me and I’m trying to be okay. I just need to get out of my head. However my head is the only one around late at night when it gets worse. My heads the only one that won’t shut down even though I’m exhausted. I’m sorry that right now I feel more toxic than nuclear waste. But I will fight my way back. You can count on it.

Thank you for reading, every view and every share means a lot, even more so when I feel like this. I read all comments and love that you share and I’m so thankful to have such amazing readers. I love you. I hope that wherever you are, whatever you’re doing, that you’re happy and smiling because the world is made better with your smile in it.

#BorderlinePersonalityMonth ❤️

For the whole of May, it’s BPD month, so I figured as someone with this mental illness, that a blog post dedicated to it would be worth it. It’s one of the hardest illnesses that I’ve ever had the misfortune to have because it affects each and every day of my life.

Ever since I got diagnosed, I’ve had nothing but trouble. Most people will look down their noses at me because they don’t understand. They will belittle me because it’s easier than open their ears and listening. And mostly, too many people don’t care and will happily trigger you so they can tell you how much of a horrible person I am. Yet, I’m one of the most open and caring people I have ever met, and even though my days are hard, there are some good points.

Symptoms

• Needing attention
• Emotional Outbursts
• Social Withdrawal
• Self-Destructive Behaviours
• Being Clingy
• Forgetting Things
• Getting upset about simple things
• Weird and unusual triggers
• Needing validation

As someone with BPD, I have experienced all of these and so many others. I have emotional outbursts that don’t make sense that have stemmed from something so small. I have outbursts because I don’t feel like I can tell people what’s really bothering me. I shut myself off all the time and I cling onto people that I care about because rejection and abandonment fill my head each and every day. During times of emotional distress, I end up verbally lashing out. I end up pushing those I love away and making the situation a thousand times worse. And they are coming from not wanting to be left again. Because I can’t see the grey, it’s either good or bad, never okay and because of it, I can go from one extreme to the other at the drop of a hat. It’s uncontrollable and soul destroying when I hit the bad parts. It’s like a darkness swallowing me whole. It feels like I’m the worst person in the world who doesn’t deserve love and friendship.

I could talk about the negatives until the cows come home but that’s only one side to this disorder. I may experience the worst of the worst, but I also get to experience the best of the best. And those are the moments I live for. For pure happiness. It’s like being so high that nothing can touch you. At that moment, you feel like nothing can hurt you and it’s perfect.But here are the positive sides to this condition that are underestimated.

• My relationships with people mean everything to me. I have a big heart and care about everyone in my life. I have listened and been there for people long after I should have. I have cared for people long after they stopped caring for me. I have been there for people I barely know and I have listened to people that needed me.
• As someone who is so emotionally sensitive, I can generally read people’s emotions better than others. I can tell you when people are agitated because I have to go through it every day. I can signs that seem so obvious to me yet others wouldn’t even acknowledge them.
• I’ve been through hell and back. I’ve lived in toxic situations and had people that are supposed to love me unconditionally trigger me and not care. Every day I wake up in a toxic house, filled with toxic people. And the day I get out of here, I won’t look back. Sure, some days look like I’ll never get out of here, but that hasn’t stopped me trying. I’ve been lied to and abused. I’ve been raped and neglected. Yet I still wake up with a little bit of hope that things may be okay. I’ve looked into the devils eyes and told him that he will not take me. I’ve been strong when every fibre of my body was telling me to quit. So yes, I’m emotional, but ask my best friends, they will tell you that I’m one of the strongest people they have ever met. I’m strong because if I wasn’t, I’d have killed myself long ago.
• Having BPD, means that I have become more creative because I tap into emotions that others can’t understand. I can write, act, and interpret things that others wouldn’t even dream of. Some of the greatest writers had forms of mental health problems such as Ernest Hemingway and Virginia Woolf. They both suffered dramatically yet their books are a part of culture.
• I am passionate about so many things and yet it’s a blessing and a curse. It means that I will not give up fighting even when I should. It means that people who refuse to open their minds frustrate me. It means that I will argue with people when I believe their wrong even if it means losing them. But it also means I won’t back down. I won’t stop fighting for what I want.

Living with BPD is hard because we have so many triggers. Some of them are rational whilst others are stupid and these are just a few.

• Being ignored or feeling like I’m ignored, starts off the abandonment and rejection. It’s like a reminder that I’m not worth their time or effort. It’s hard because I already feel that way and getting ignored just confirms it. Then I feel like I need to repair the situation which also makes it worse.
• Being told to calm down when I’m not angry. That starts a series of emotions that result in anger.
• When my feelings are invalidated like “it’s just going to happen until you change it”, “you’re way too emotional for me”, “well that’s a bit over the top”… whilst these comments may be true, you’re basically telling me that I shouldn’t be feeling the way I do instead of helping me cope with how I’m feeling.
• When people tell me how to parent my daughter. This grates as my mood all the time. This will come from people that have a massive part to answer for why I am the way that I am. It’s the same people that live to invalidate me. It’s the same people that would tell me that they don’t care if they trigger my bad moods because they are right.
• When the older generation say things like “well it was acceptable in my day”… really? People were punished for who they loved, people were invalidated and degraded because you people believed it was right. No. Just because in your day it was acceptable doesn’t make it right. A prime example was when three people that are atleast ten years older than me, told me that it was acceptable for a person to say to a child that their parents leaving them was their fault for misbehaving. That creates so many problems that the older generation are naive too.

Now for some statistics. 7/10 people will try to kill themselves whilst living with this disease. 1 in every 10 of us, will achieve suicide. This comes from not feeling good enough, from feeling like a burden and from believing the worst thoughts in their head. Nearly all of us will have some form of self harm or self destructive behaviour and we can’t stop them. We try and most of the time we fail. And even though that failure confirms how we feel inside, we still try and stop ourselves. Sometimes we feel too much and others we don’t anything at all. We feel like a contradiction.

http://www.nimh.nih.gov

This is my first post dedicated to BPD, I’m a bit late as I’ve started it on the 6th. But every day I want to educate and inform people about something that needs more awareness. I’ll be writing about triggers in more detail as well as some of the more positive sides. I’ll tell you all about the different sides of this condition, explain what it means to have and be a favourite person to someone with BPD as well as how I’m managing to live with the biggest emotional range I’ve ever experienced. Thank you for reading and I hope you have an amazing day. As always, check me out on twitter or insta by searching OpenUpWithMe and drop me a message. Until the next time. Ferrari. ❤️

Arguing with people…

I hate having arguments with people yet, I seem to have loads. I mean, I’m a lot better than I used to be but I know I still have a long way too go. I’m a very argumentative person and sometimes that is my downfall.

Part of the reason I argue with so many people is because I don’t open up when I should or because I get way too emotionally involved in the argument. Most of the time, I am way too passionate and it comes across the wrong way. I mean, I happen to believe that as soon as you’re shouting during an argument, you’ve lost. I lose all the time. I can’t help but shout if I feel like I am not being listened too. 

When I argue with people, or even have a disagreement, I get worried that they are just going to go. I mean I watched people all my life, argue and then disappear. So when I do have a little disagreement, I push them away because I believe it’s only a matter of time before they disappear and I get scared. That is something I need to work on, and I am trying but, Rome wasn’t built in a day and I can’t fix myself that quickly either.

I’m the type of person who cannot stand going to sleep on an argument. I feel like it just makes everything so much worse. If they can’t be sorted straight away, I honestly don’t think they will ever get sorted. The longer it takes, the less hope that it will be okay is there. I wish I could. I wish I could just leave it and not worry but it’s so hard. Yet, there are other times, where I’ve gotten to the point that I cant physically be asked to argue anymore and that’s worse. Because, the day I stop arguing, is the day I stop caring. If I don’t see the point in fighting for what I believe in, I just stop and let it go. I have fought for everything in my life, and I have fought to get my voice heard, I wont stay down and I will continue to fight. I just wish it didn’t come with complications.

Recently I had a little disagreement that was blown out of control because I did something out of anger and fear. I didn’t think of the person in question and was selfish. The truth is, fear will always make the worst of the situation if you let it. The hardest part is telling fear that you will not become a victim to it. Had I done that, I probably wouldn’t feel like I’m losing one of my good friends. For the record, I am sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you and I know that you were offended. I am sorry that I lashed out through fear, I’m sorry that I made you question how much you mean to me, believe me, I am more thankful for everything you do and I really do miss you. I know you don’t exactly want talk to me right now, but that doesn’t change that I am sorry. I could sit here and tell you how much I need and want you in my life, but right now, I know you need space. You just don’t realise how much this is killing me.

I know I am a handful. I know I am insecure and I drive everyone crazy. I know that I have issues that make this difficult but know that I care too much. I get scared all the time and its easier to push everyone away than let them in. I am sorry that so many people have got hurt in the process. I am trying to work on it, but I just can’t change every negative over night. I love each one of my friends dearly, and its the small things they do, that get me through every day. They are my strength on days where I feel weakest. I am sorry that you’re growing further apart. I am sorry that I can’t be “normal“.

Pink is powerful. ❤️

Just because I argue, doesn’t make me a bad person. Just an argumentative one. Hope you’re all okay. And don’t leave people that mean a lot to you, festering in bad moods and negative feelings. Don’t let them doubt how much they mean to you and don’t lose them. Because, you’ll be wishing they were there every day. Ferrari.❤️

I don’t even know…

I could really go to town on myself today. It’s an extremely bad day and I really don’t feel like myself at all. Physically, I am exhausted. I slept for like two and a half hours and woke up feeling worse. Mentally, I’m defeated. My brain has been in overdrive all day and nothing is distracting it.

I feel bad because I had a piece in mind. A piece that I spent so long writing and yet I criticised it at every turn. I have had so many people drumming in the negatives that it’s all I see when I’m writing. I mean there are things that I know I still need to come to terms with. Things that I need to stop punishing myself over because it wasn’t my fault and people’s words that I need to forget. I wrote three different documents about triggers and it was extremely emotional to write. I think that’s part of why I can’t share it at the moment. It’s still really real and very hard to accept. But I feel like I’ve let you guys down. Because this isn’t the post I promised.

I spent a chunk of today asleep because I was drained and exhausted. I slept through my baby brother and sister coming over and I feel gutted about it. I missed out on a really cute moment between Luna and Beaudicea and I’m kicking myself over it. I haven’t really done anything today. And that in turn has made me feel lazy. Add that with the extra sleep, and we’ll I’m just a mess.

I thought when I started this blog, that it would be my way of coping because I can write a lot better than I speak, and it’s easier to write how I feel rather than say it. But I can’t. I have so many things that I can’t talk about because it will hurt a lot of people. Things I can’t talk about because I will receive criticism and crude remarks. Things I can’t talk about because I still can’t cope with thinking about let alone writing. I thought that if I could help one person by writing my blog, I’d feel like I could make a difference. Yet, I can’t even get out of bed right now so how can I make a difference?

I was having a down day and yet two of my good friends messaged me words of encouragement without prompting. My lemon messaged me out of the blue and told me that it was okay to have a nap, and take time for myself because my body must have needed it. It wasn’t me being lazy. And that helped. Some how she knew that I was kicking myself and sent me exactly what I needed to read. Another friend told me that how even when I feel weak and defeated, that I’m still one of the strongest people he knows, and that I shouldn’t give up fighting. And they are how I know I am making a difference.

My friends are amazing, my daughter and my best friends are the reason that I could never give up. They are my strength. They would use words like strength and determination, caring and loving, funny and contagious smile to describe me. Words I may not agree with but still. They say that I help them because I can go through hell and smile so they can do it too. And although I feel humbled, I’m not a good example. My best friends will tell you how I got them through some of their darkest days by being me and I know that I made a difference.

So although today maybe a bad day, I had enough and just couldn’t face it, they helped me remember why I do. They make me smile till my face aches and laugh like a baboon, they love and support me even when I can’t love myself. If you’re having a bad day, look at all then look at the people closest to you, because I can guarantee that they are the difference that you make. Even on your darkest days, they are the difference you make every day. I know that I wouldn’t be me without my best friends or my daughter. And that I never want to be without them.

Thank you for reading my jumble. I appreciate it. And I hope your days are a lot better than mine. Ferrari. ❤️