I wish I could hate you…

It’s funny, I never thought I’d be writing this post yet here I am, hurting, crying, and breaking and it’s entirely my own fault. Against my better judgement, I let you in again. I didn’t because I never truly let you go. I held onto hope, onto faith and onto wishes that I wanted so desperately to come true. I wanted to believe in your words more than your actions. I wanted to believe in what I felt more than what I knew to be true. I wanted to believe in you, and I did. That’s why this hurts so much. Because I followed my heart before I followed my brain. I trusted my heart in your hands and you proved repeatedly why I shouldn’t have.

I hate the way you broke my heart like it meant nothing. I hate the way you just stopped caring. I hate the way you shut me out after promising me that we would get through everything. I hate the way you lied to me and made me believe everything that wasn’t true. I hate the way you told me everything I wanted to hear. I hate the way you used me. I want to say that I hate the way you make me feel, but when we are together you make me the happiest girl in the world, and I hate you for it because you took it all away and you didn’t think twice.

I hate that right now; I don’t hate you. I can’t. I want too. I want to hate you with every fibre of my being. I want to live in a world where I don’t remember you or how you made me feel. I want to live in a world where you haven’t wrecked so many songs and wrecked my memories in my flat. I want to live in a world where you never message me again. I want to live in a world where you aren’t in my brain each day. I want to live in a world where I don’t worry about you anymore. I want to live in a world where I don’t care who you’re with or what you’re doing. But I don’t.

I live in a world where you broke my heart. I live in a world where I had to move my room around because your memory was too present in it, and I had to do that whilst being 26 weeks pregnant. I live in a world where you don’t talk to me, you don’t even care. And it’s horrible because unlike you, my feelings were real and now they are destroying me! I live in a world where I have to pretend to be okay because you’re not around. I live in a world where you couldn’t care about who you hurt or what you’ve done.

I want to say I hate you, that the thought of you makes me sick and angry, that if I ever saw you, I’d be over it enough to not even acknowledge you, but I don’t. I want too but I can’t. I physically can’t hate you and I wish I could. If I hated you, this wouldn’t hurt. If I hated you, I wouldn’t still be crying over a guy that really doesn’t deserve it. If I hated you, I’d be able to move on. But right now, I’m grieving us whilst being so hormonal because everything ended whilst I was pregnant! I want to say I’d never forgive you, but I will. Because that is the type of person I am. I won’t allow you and your personality destroy that.

Yes, I am hurting. Yes, I can’t stand thinking about you without crying. I can’t say it’s all okay because it’s not. I’m going through emotions that are hard for me to control to begin with, and yet because I’m emotionally invested, it’s so much harder. Because I’m “emotionally unstable,” it feels like the end of my world. You have me questioning my self-worth. You have me believing that I am not worthy of anything right now. You have me thinking that I brought this all on myself. That I deserve every ounce of pain that I am going through. You made me believe that I mean nothing and that I’m not enough. And for now, I’ll replay that over and over in my head until the day I wake up and realise I wasn’t the problem. You were.

There is so much I want to say to you but every time I message, it falls on deaf ears and blind eyes. I wanted closure and you couldn’t give it to me. I needed to understand why this happened, but you wouldn’t be a man and tell me the truth. And you’re hiding from someone who never gave up. Even now, writing this I haven’t given up on you. I want to but I can’t. Because I am honestly and completely in love with you and that’s what’s destroying me. Because giving up would be the easier option and I don’t know how. I’m not writing this for you. As it stands right now, I hope I don’t hear from you again. I want to. I want to have a conversation and get all the answers I need but I don’t and it’s an enigma I can’t understand. Because there is nothing that you could say that would change anything.

I am sorry for any part of this that I did wrong. I’m sorry for the mistakes I made. I’m sorry for the things you don’t want to believe and I’m sorry that we’re never going to be okay. But I can honestly say I tried! I tried and tried again until I knew I couldn’t try anymore.

One day, I will wake up and you will be nothing but a distant memory of a mistake I wish I never made. One day, I am going to get over this. One day I will realise my worth and know it was more than you could ever understand. One day, I will be happy again and I won’t have to fake it because it’s easier. One day, I won’t even recognise the person sitting here writing this. One day, I will realise that it wasn’t me that wasn’t worthy. It was you. You don’t deserve me, and you never have. One day I will believe that, and I can’t wait for that one day.

Thank you to everyone who has read this blog post. It is my closure. My pain and my emotions written down to try and help me get passed this moment in my life. I hope that whoever can relate to this, also finds their closure, even if they never get it from the person they need it from. If you need someone to talk to, you can find me on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram and I’ll be here to listen because sometimes that is all we need. I hope where ever you are in this world, you are smiling because this world needs your smile in it.

Don’t trust a fuck boy…

Okay, so clearly I know that it’s not just boys that fuck with peoples emotions. Girls are just as capable to do it too. But firstly, I’ve never dated a fuck girl so I can’t comment on them, and most of my friends that are currently falling for the traps are coming from experiences with guys, so as I can relate to them, I will. I also know that not every guy is a fuck boy, that’s because there are a lot of men out there, but I’m not talking about them. This post is specifically about the boys posing as men.

We all know the type of immature men that come into our inboxes and promising us the world only to ghost us when they don’t get what they want, but then they also ghost you when they get exactly what they want because the truth is, they used you for an ego trip. They needed to feel better and you were collateral damage. They are the types of people that can’t commit, even though they promise you they will. They pretend to care for all the uses that they need and then drop you. This leaves you feeling emotional and unwanted. It makes you believe you were a toy for them and that you aren’t worthy… the truth is, that is complete bull! They are the ones that aren’t worthy. They are the ones who are immature and shouldn’t be going near anyone unless they truly wanted it. They are the ones that believe their own lies so much that you fall for them to. Now to my girls that continue to fall for this B.S, listen to me. You are worth more than that! You are Queens who were not put on this Earth to be an ego trip for the likes of them. You deserve better!

Over my many years of falling into the traps of dating boys instead of men, I’ve learned a few things. And it’s things that you really need to pay attention too, because it will save you a lot of heartache down the line. They say many things but their actions will contradict. It’s so easy to fall for it, because of how often they do it to other people. And you are worth more than that!

Phrases they will use to start to build that “bond” with you and I’m going to talk to you about the main phrases in great detail. The first one being You can trust me. Most boys, will want you to trust them without every giving you any reason to trust them. They say this because if they can make you feel comfortable with telling them anything, you’re less likely to notice when they change. They use this because by allowing yourself to trust them, they get close enough to hurt you even if you don’t want them too.

I promise I will always be here. They say this because they want you to believe they are in it for the long haul. They want you to believe that they will stick around when things get tough. This way, you let your guard down a little which makes it easier for them to worm their way in. They know that by saying things like this, you’re more likely to be open with them and as soon as you start opening up, they can start to take advantage of it.

You’ve changed my life. This is a classic! They will always tell you that you’ve changed their life even if you’ve only been talking for a short while. They will say things like, you’ve made me so happy over the last insert time frame here, that they never want to lose you. They do this because it’s the easiest way for you to believe you mean something to them. But I can assure you, they will disappear as quickly as they came because you didn’t change anything and you didn’t really make them happy. You just entertained them at a time they were feeling low.

We want the same things. They say they want the same things as you and chances are you told them what you wanted first. Chances are, you spilled your heart out to them about what you want from your future, and they agree with you so that you believe you’re on the same page. You aren’t. You’re not even reading the same book! The best way to figure the lies out from the truth is to ask them questions. Ask their deepest fears and their biggest dreams. It’s very rare that someone can lie about their insecurities and if they do, you deserve better than that.

It’s not just about sex. Of course it isn’t… until you give it to them. They will try their luck as much as they can, and if they believe you’re not going to give in and give them sex, they drop you like a piece of rubbish and move along. This is because it was about the sex. They wanted sex and hoped that they could worm their way in to the point you would feel comfortable enough to allow them into your bed. Do not do it! If you have any suspicions about them, make them wait! And if they can’t wait, they never truly wanted anything more than for you to be a notch on their bed post.

I’m not a jealous person but… Of course they aren’t jealous. Why would they need to be jealous, they don’t actually care. They tell you this because they think that if you believe they don’t want anyone else, you’ll believe that you going near anyone else will drive them wild. It doesn’t. They simply say it because it gives the impression that you are the only one they’re talking too. You’re not. I can lay money down on their being multiple girls.

You deserve better than what you’re going through. They say this to get in that pretty little head of yours. They make you believe that you deserve the world. They make you believe that whoever is making you feel low, isn’t worth it because it gives them more of a chance to get what they want. It gives them the upper hand by you believing that this person will be a better match for you, only to drop you after you’ve fulfilled your purpose in their life.

I want you. This isn’t technically a lie. They do want you. But they don’t want your heart or mind. They want your vagina. They want your attention. They want to know they can still pull someone without really trying. They say this to make you feel special and like you mean something. When the truth is, their want is temporary. It will flutter past like a butterfly and die just as quickly. As soon as you give them what they want, they’re out of here like a 6 in cricket.

I need you. This is another half truth. They do need you. They need you for a lift to make them feel better. They need you to stroke their ego and give them some worth. They need you to fill a hole that isn’t be filled because the truth is, they have the personalities of douche bags so they don’t ever find someone who would stick around. And even when they do, they’re too busy treating them like shit to notice how much you truly care.

If they only give you attention late at night, this is also a dead give away. It means they have a partner who’s asleep next to them so they can get away with talking, or they’re literally bored and just after nudes. Do not give into them. If they can’t compliment your mind and looks, they don’t get to compliment your body. Plus, they generally just want wanking material because they are sick of porn and want a real body to look at. You are worth more than just what is beneath your clothes.

Even if with all these phrases, knowing them and knowing why they do it, they also have that killer charm. They can talk their way into your mind by “being a friend” without actually ever wanting friendship. Most fuck boys will make you feel important for a short time before their attention is diverted to other girls that are putting up more of a chance, less likely to fall and just give them sex or throw themselves into their work as an excuse to stop themselves feeling guilty about the lies they tell you.

As soon as they know you’ve fallen for the bullshit, they become distant because it’s getting too real. They know they have you right where they want you and then that’s where the ghosting comes in, until whatever else had their attention gets boring and they come right back to you. They don’t really care about your feelings, because if they did, they wouldn’t treat you this way. But what they care about is getting what they want. They are so skilled at it, that you don’t realise the lies you’ve fallen for until it’s too late.

Any person that is truly interested in you, will never leave you questioning your worth. They will message you and let you know when they are thinking of you, because they genuinely miss you and want you to know that no matter where you are, you’re never far from their mind. They will make small promises to begin with, to show you that they really feel something for you before working up to the bigger ones. They spoil you with love because seeing you smile is the greatest thing about their day. These are the people you need to wait for. They are the ones that leave you with butterflies in your stomach and a giddiness in your heart. They are the ones that will show their affection for you at every given moment. And it is out there, you just got to wait for it.

If you believe that the person you are talking to isn’t being sincere, then give them 48 hours. Don’t message them first. Don’t give them all your attention. If they pick up on it or even send you a message asking what’s up as you’re never normally this quiet, then chances are, they notice the small things. If someone can go days without giving you attention, it’s because their attention is elsewhere. If they can’t make time for you, it’s because in their eyes, you aren’t worth their time. You are worth more than these types of people. You deserve happiness and love. You deserve someone who is all about you! Know your worth! Because the ones that know it too, are the ones that will make all the difference.

Thank you for reading my post. I know it’s not the nicest of topics, but I’m watching too many girls get their hearts crushed over guys who aren’t worth it. I’ve watched too many girls fall for the same guys bullshit and it’s time they started to realise that they are the ones in control. So own it. I hope where ever you are in the world, that you are smiling and you’re having a good day because you all deserve happiness in life.

Currently I’m going through an episode…

I’m sat here writing whilst crying my eyes out… my so called waterproof mascara has run down my face, my eyes are swollen and my heart literally aches. I can’t stop. I can’t stop the tears, even though right now I wish they would. I can’t stop the pain, I can’t even mask it anymore. I have no fight in me right now. I feel so low. Like, I’m sinking further and further through an endless pit with no chance of slowing down. I find moments in the day, when I can paint a smile on my face, or feel strong enough to do my makeup as a distraction. The truth is, I’m having an episode.

It all started probably last week after I was involved in a car accident. I’m okay. My shoulder muscles a bit busted but I can use it a lot more now than I could after it happened. But that’s when I noticed the small things. The small things started to build up until they drowned me. Three times this week, I’ve found myself wanting to cut myself. I was doing so well. I hadn’t self harmed in six months and I thought I was getting stronger. However, one of those times, I let the pain become real. It wasn’t just in my head or my heart anymore, it was physical pain and to numb it I got drunk. My daughter was at her fathers and I think that was why I gave in.

I don’t know what’s true and what isn’t. Everything feels real. The worst thoughts in my head are happening in front of my eyes and I can’t stop it. I can’t fix anything. I can’t make sense of what’s happening. I honestly feel like I’m losing my marbles. My heart is saying one thing whilst my brain is telling it to stop being so stupid and naive. I don’t feel like I can turn to anyone and because of it, I’m seriously drowning in emotions. I wish I knew what was true, I wish I could make sense of everything but I can’t. And it feels so horrible.

I’m the person that gives everyone else strength, I’m the one that brightens everyone’s day and keeps them optimistic which is why when I crash, I crash hard. Right now, I feel pathetic, I feel worthless, I feel betrayed, I feel drained, I feel needy, I feel lonely, I feel dead inside, I feel scared. And every time I get like this, I push everyone away because I’m a burden to them. I make everything worse without meaning too because I can’t control my emotions. I say things I don’t mean, because right now they feel true, I tell people I hate them when I actually hate myself. I tell people I don’t care, but I do, that’s why I push them away. I’m lying to people, acting like I’m fine when I’m not, but I can’t explain why. I walk to my mums or go shopping and my heart is in my stomach and it takes everything in me not to cry and let it out.

I’m trying to be strong. I’m trying not to sink further and further down, but I lost all control. And the only way I can control myself is by shutting down and restarting.

The truth is, borderline episodes aren’t pretty. They’re painful, they’re destructive and they’re part of the reason people with BPD have such a bad reputation. We shut everyone out in order to protect them. We bury ourselves in our emotions because there’s so many sitting there at once that don’t make sense and clouds our judgement. We see fault in things that aren’t really there because our brain is telling us it’s true. And they can disappear just as quick as they come, and we’re left with the self destruction we’ve caused whether it be through the “love/hate” relationships in our head, or the impulsive decisions, the problems we caused by pushing people away at the time we need them most or holding onto something so tightly because we’re afraid if we let go, you’ll leave.

I’m not saying we’re easy to handle. We’re not. Emotionally, we’re fucked. But the good moments, away from the episodes are worth so much more. The days where we shine brighter than anything around, are the days we long for. But unfortunately, the bad days really do feel like the end of the world. Our world.

To everyone that I’m pushing away or becoming overbearing with, I’m sorry. The truth is, it’s a difficult time for me and I’m trying to be okay. I just need to get out of my head. However my head is the only one around late at night when it gets worse. My heads the only one that won’t shut down even though I’m exhausted. I’m sorry that right now I feel more toxic than nuclear waste. But I will fight my way back. You can count on it.

Thank you for reading, every view and every share means a lot, even more so when I feel like this. I read all comments and love that you share and I’m so thankful to have such amazing readers. I love you. I hope that wherever you are, whatever you’re doing, that you’re happy and smiling because the world is made better with your smile in it.

An open letter to a broken friendship…

I wanted my first piece in my open letters to be someone that meant a lot to me. I wanted to write pieces in this bracket that meant something to people that aren’t in my life or don’t realise how important they truly are. It’s for the people who inspired me and helped shape the person I am. Those people could be teachers that taught me during school or the stranger I passed in the street at a time when I was at my weakest. But each person helped me, and I want them to know I appreciated it.

“An open letter to a broken friendship,”

Before I start, if there is even a small chance, you’ll read this, I want you to respect the friendship we created 20 years ago and read to the bottom.

It takes a bigger person to suck up their pride and admit wrongdoing than it does to be the type of person that buries their head in the sand. I’m not saying that I am above you, but I am tired of holding onto something that should have been buried years ago… apparently because of circumstances that hasn’t happened. So, think of this as closure. 

You were my best friend and worst enemy all rolled into one big case of drama, and I know the same could be said for me. We have known each other for 20 of our almost 26 years on this planet. That’s an extremely long time and in that time, we have gone from being closer than sisters to being worse than strangers. We have hit every peak and crashed into every pit. But I can promise you now, no matter what you may think of me, it will never change the fact that I’d be there every time you needed. I would answer every call and every message with an open heart because I gave up holding onto anger around you years ago. You may have stopped classing me as a friend, doesn’t mean I stopped being one. I never did. You were just too angry to see it.

We haven’t spoke in three years and regardless of who said what, I haven’t slagged you off. I haven’t undermined our friendship and I would never downplay our friendship. I mean you’ve said some of the worst things to me you could have, and I still would be there for you because that is who I am. I am the person that dropped my niece’s birthday party to come around yours when you were upset. I am the person that held your hand countless times when you thought the world was crashing around you, but I am also the person that wears her heart on her sleeve and has more emotions than sense. I’m also the person that knows this is the hardest month of your life and it comes around every year, and I know you will feel weaker in August compared to every other month of the year but this isn’t at all a dig at you. 

That last argument, we argued, and you said I was the cause of your mental health and that broke my heart. It isn’t true because looking back you had problems that I should have helped you with, but you shut me out before I could. You get something into your mind and there is no changing it. It’s one of the things I do admire about you. I admire that even though you have been through shit, you haven’t given up. But I am scared. I am scared that there are things in your life that you haven’t accepted and if you want to discuss it, I am always here with an open door, but that doesn’t mean that I want you actively in my life.

I have never stopped caring about you. I will never stop caring about you. I have a habit of taking things the wrong way and you have a way of wording things to make the biggest impact. And you always said that if you were to destroy someone, you would do it mentally and for a long time, I believed you. It took many counselling sessions to see that you played just as much a part in fucking up as I did. You can not preach to me that everything you said and did was peachy, it wasn’t. You go above and beyond when you get hurt to make sure that you’re not the only one affected. You make sure that they know they hurt you by hurting them just as much. It’s a great defence mechanism but it will cost you everything if you aren’t careful. I realised that I leaned on you more than you did me, I cared more and for a long time, it was one sided. Even after we stopped talking, it was still one sided.

I stopped being angry after you left because there was no point. We said things out of anger, and I weren’t about to stay angry at myself and, for the thousandth time, I found myself forgiving you. I forgave you without ever hearing an apology. I forgave you for what you said and how you acted. I forgave you for once again making me feel like my feelings didn’t matter and that you were the one being neglected. I am however going to say this once, I am sorry. I am sorry that I let my emotions get the better of me. I am sorry that I got too emotionally invested in our friendship that what you said felt like an attack long before it was one. I am sorry that I hurt you and I am sorry that it’s still hurting you. I am sorry that you haven’t found closure or peace in your life surrounding me and I hope that this letter helps you find that.

I stopped hurting over you when I realised that even though you have been your worst version of yourself regarding me, that I haven’t been the nicest to you either. I stopped hurting when I realised that for every bad and upsetting memory that has you in it, I have ones that made me smile. I realised that just because you find comfort in still slagging me off, I wish you nothing but health and happiness.

I can’t pretend that even after everything I don’t miss you because I do. 20 years ago, I signed up to be your friend for life and sometimes I sucked at it, but I’m only human and I’m far from perfect. That friendship meant celebrating with you at your best and embracing you when you were being quite frankly a pain in my ass. I agreed to love you for who you are, and I’ve known exactly who you are for years and yet I still love you. I love that at one point, nobody could have touched us. That we had the strongest bond any two people could have because we went through hell, sat with the devil and discussed plans for takeover. We kicked ass because when we were being honest and true with each other, there wasn’t a single person that could have got between us. You were and probably will always be my soul mate.

You know me better than you think. And even though your emotions have misguided us, you know that I have been there for you and held your hand more than you give me credit for. I know that you have made sure that I was nothing but a negative memory for you and I pity you for that. You were one of the first people I wanted to message when I found out I was pregnant. I didn’t and still haven’t spoke to you and I hate it. Not because I want you in my life, but because I thought you’d always be here. I never imagined my life without you in it. I guess I was optimistic that we had gone through some of the worst things imaginable and found a way back until that last argument.

There are days where I miss you. Where something will happen, or I’ll hear a joke and think of you. I’d think about how if you were there, we’d be laughing over something so small but filled with memories of a happier time. We talked about what would happen when we started our different families and got married. We talked about being god parents to each other’s children and bridesmaids at each other’s weddings. We spoke about growing old laughing at all the people that said we couldn’t be friends and how wrong they were. Yet none of them will happen, and if you can honestly say that doesn’t affect you, then the truth is my friendship never meant anything. I wouldn’t change the fact that you aren’t in my life because I have grown as a person thanks to our arguments. But I do miss and respect you more than you will ever know. I love you. I always will. You can’t go through the number of things that we did and not have that level of admiration for the other person.

You are strong, stubborn, determined and driven. You have passion and a brighter personality than you realise. You have come a long way and I know that your future is bright and happy. I just wish you could let it go. Let go of all the resentment you’ve held. Let go of the negativity that surrounds me in your mind and just accept that what we had, is something that I don’t think can and will ever be able to be understood by anyone that isn’t us. And sometimes, it’s even too much for us. Let go of your bitterness, because it will rub off on the wrong people and you risk losing them. Just focus on your life because you have the power to make it magical.

“No matter how many times we tell each other we hate each other ++ this is the final goodbye. Yet every time we need each other were always on the side-lines waiting to come back in. Thanks for being such a good reliable friend” – The tale of two friends – Does it ring a bell? It should. You wrote it and its still public on your profile. There are still pictures of me all over your social media and yet you still want the world to believe you hate me.

Girl quit playing and commit to a side. If you hate me, and if you honestly want to sit there and tell me you hate me, then have conviction. Don’t have my pictures on a profile that you’re still using and stop having my name come out of your mouth. You’ll be better off for it. But don’t ever sit there and tell me I failed at being your friend, because even now, id treat you like a friend whilst you needed me.  I would never tell you that this is goodbye again, because that would mean I’m closing the door and locking it behind me. But I will tell you that it’s okay. It’s okay that we have grown and moved on with our lives, its okay that the once unbreakable friendship broke beyond repair, and its okay that we have both grown up. But we owe it to our friendship to just stop. To close the chapter and remember it as a memory a time long ago. But to say that I regret our friendship, would always be a lie.

I will never say that I was innocent, because I wasn’t. Far from it, but I won’t pretend that I was the worst person in the world. I have come a long way and learned a lot about myself in the process. I had to! I had to try and understand over 20 years worth of shit and examine everything after I got diagnosed, because it did play a part in how I acted. I have said some nasty hurtful things out of spite, I’ve retaliated out of anger and you were in my cross hairs. You got handed a fair share of shit, and I will never stop being sorry for that. I wish I had got help sooner, maybe I could have handled the way you said things better. But then, if it wasn’t for the fact that you made me believe I was the most toxic person in the world, that I thought if that was the case, I needed help. It turns out I’m not, it’s just sometimes, you can go through hell and back with someone and not have a place in each others lives. I can be a prick, I would never shy away from that, but I have always owned up to my mistakes.

You were my best friend for the longest time. No amount of bad memories will change the good. And I’d rather remember the positive and continue without any thoughts of the negative. So, thank you. Thank you for every time you picked me up, for every time you pushed me to be more and being the one person, I counted on for the hardest days of being a teenager. To me, school was us. All my school memories, have you in them and I would never change them. Thank you for getting into trouble with me and for getting me into trouble. Thank you for the long chats that seemed funnier because we were intoxicated and for the x factor audition inspired phone calls with your dad. Thank you for being the ying to my yang and being my right side. Thank you for listening to me and being as good of a friend as you could manage. But most of all, thank you for being “the Serena to my Blair”. My life has forever been changed by your presence in it, and that is why I will never hate you.

I hope wherever you are in the world, that you’re happy and healthy. I hope you never lose your smile and your light shines brighter than you imagine. I hope you find the man of your dreams and live happy ever after, because I want nothing but the best for you. I want you to be in the best place mentally with hope for the future. I want you to be everything I know you can and so much more! I wish you all the best because if I didn’t, I would never have been your friend in the first place. But most of all, I want you to keep smiling! The world needs to have your smile in it!

 

No one can fault you for trying…

Write what should not be forgotten. – Isabel Allende

Everything I write on my blog, will be on the big wide world of the web. So I want to use it as a place to be remembered. I want people to be able to use my blog to express how they’re feeling when they can’t find the words… the only problem being sometimes I don’t even know the words to express how I feel. I am way too harsh on myself, and wont post something if I find it awful… probably why I have over 45 drafts… And I’ve found that it’s so much easier to write when I’m not at war with myself. So what do I do when I am at war with myself? I cry. A lot. Because I hate not being able to express myself through my words.

I can get myself into such a state. I am living with constant rollercoaster and I’m pretty sure the downs wouldn’t be as bad if I opened up when they were happening. I know I should, okay? I’m very much aware of the complications I create myself, but it’s not as simple as that to me. My brain has so much trouble with the ‘grey’ area, and even though it may not seem like it, I am working on that. It’s just hard. To me, a simple thing, would be blown way out of proportion because of the way I can’t express myself depending on the mood I am in. Sometimes I am so easy to get along with. I can take a joke and everything is great. However, sometimes I just lose control, and all the little things getting to me become too much.

I worry that the “little things” aren’t so little. I worry that those problems, will be too much and there’s no turning back, which is why I don’t discuss them. Then, when all the little ones build up, I lose it and by that point, there isn’t a chance to turn back. Slowly i’m accepting that I need to address things quickly, but I also need those nearest to me to understand that when I say I’m okay, its because I don’t want to talk about it and its not an invitation to ask further questions. That is one sure way, not to get me to open up.

I get so scared that people are going to leave me because of some of the thoughts that go through my head. There are times where I know I am being stupid but for some reason I can’t stop myself, its a defense mechanism. I get so scared people are going to leave so I push them away before they get a chance. Or, they get too close and I have to shut them out because IF they were to leave, it would utterly destroy me. I don’t believe that I am enough, I was hurt so badly that I can’t accept it when things are going well. That same fear creeps in because my past has taught me that even the ones that are supposed to never leave, will. So the ones that say they will never leave, still could.

I have walls up for my own protection. There are days where my existence feels lonely and isolated, because the fear has grown so strong, that I have no choice but to suffer in silence. I know that I wear my heart on my sleeve and that my feelings are sometimes overbearing. I can be completely rational one moment and the slightest change in my feelings, will cause my brain to do a complete 180 and I can’t slow it down or even stop it. I feel like I can’t love myself so why should anyone else. I lose count of how much I ask that I’m enough because I have never felt like it. It doesn’t matter what I’m doing, I have no confidence when it comes to myself. Yet, I can put on one hell of a persona, and that persona would have you believe that I could do anything I set my mind too. The truth is, I’m so scared to be who I really am, because who I am is emotional and overwhelming. My mind is a whirlwind but sometimes, its more of a blessing than a curse.

Nothing in this world is easy, I know that from my hard past. Yet, I am still fighting so that has to count for something. I still write, even though I think there isn’t a point some days. I still try because if I do give up, I’m teaching Luna that it’s okay to stop when things get too tough. The truth is, you can take a break. Sometimes a break from all situations will do you more good than you realise. I may not have been able to write for a while, but I’m still trying.

I battle myself each and every day. I don’t think I can remember when I didn’t battle myself over something. I battle whether or not to bring something up or to bury it till it finds its own way out later. I battle whether to walk out my door and face people even though I feel like a failure. I battle with every thought and feeling, questioning if it’s rational or not. So remember that the next time I do decide to open up. Because I would have battled myself for hours on whether or not to say something.

Every one has their own battles, and most of the time, we can’t see them. But that doesn’t mean they aren’t pushing through them and trying. It’s the ones that don’t give up, even when life gives them so many reasons too. I try even on the days where I feel like running and hiding. Sometimes I fail and that takes a serious toll on me. But on the times that I don’t, I know nobody can take it away from me. This life with borderline is hard, but I haven’t stopped trying yet.

Thank you for reading. It means a lot. Follow me on Twitter and Insta @OpenUpWithMe and head over to my facebook page by searching ‘openupwithmeblog’. Until the next time, keep smiling. Ferrari. ❤️

Lets talk about change…

The same people that called me self-centred, shallow, and superficial are the ones obsessed with reality tv and what their favourite celebrity is doing next, however there are plenty of bigger issues in the world. Issues that get ignored and downgraded. Ones that get tossed aside until the problem has escalated to an extreme that may or may not be reversible.

I tend to avoid the news or news programmes because they just frustrate me. Not only do you have the likes of Piers Morgan sprouting his utter bollocks and claiming to speak on behalf of a nation… that same nation that he sits on his horse and judges, the same nation that he slates and undermines in every opportunity. Now, he can have opinions all he likes, hell i’d embrace his opinions if he actually presented them like a civiliased person and not an emotionless robot. I also watched some show presented by Victoria Derbyshire where she was having a ‘conversation’ with an MP that was going for leadership… It was tragic on both parts and I couldn’t actually believe that these two people were getting paid to have this chat on live air. It was a disaster and I learned nothing except the MP is a douche and couldn’t stand by any statements in typical political fashion and the presenter lost control of her interview which made me cringe.

I got various news websites up to have a look at what the current issues were today and oh my goodness. They are as much of a joke as this country is turning too. I suppose it makes sense that the next PM we have, will be a clown. Over the majority of news websites that I looked at, the biggest headlines were to do with the police being called to Boris Johnsons flat because of an argument and Trump trying to start yet another war. Neither, in my opinion should be headlined news. I am not going to say that I could do a better job, but I’d like to think that in such a confusing time, the news channels would be doing a better job at presenting more reasons to smile than reasons to question reality. Do I honestly care that Boris Johnson had police called to his flat because of an argument with his mrs? No. It doesn’t concern me.

Im concerned about the hundreds of people that sleep on the street with no roof over their heads. I’m concerned about the thousands of people that are living in situations that are truly questionable of their human rights. I’m concerned about the ones that go to bed cramped and scared because life is hard. I care about the thousands of peoples that are suffering with poor health, both physical and mental that are being ignored. I’m concenred about a country that cares more about what the richest 5% are doing than the poorest 20%. I’m concerned about the education system that we trust our most precious people in. The same education system that fails everyone if they don’t fit a certain criteria. I’m concerned about the issues we ignore!

We live in a world where women are criticised for how we look and what we wear, instead of teaching boys and men to respect womens minds. We live in a world where is so much easier to point the finger than accept responsibility and make the changes. We live in a world where no doesn’t mean no, where no just means not yet. We live in a world where you are slightly different, you’re less of a person and that’s not acceptable. It’s not acceptable that we say things like “boys will be boys” or “men should be strong”. It’s not acceptable that we look down on people because they come from a single parent background or on benefits.

As a society, we are not acceptable. But as a society, it’s us who needs to stand up and make the changes. We elect the MPS that sit on the government that runs our country. We raise our issues and we have our voices! Start using them for things that matter. For issues that matter. Stand up for the little people that haven’t quite found their voices. Stand up for those who voices are drowned out by people who think they know better. Stand up for the sick and elderly. Stand up for your families and friends. Every single person on this planet has the capability to make a change. Stop spreading hate, embrace people for who they are but don’t accept that its all they will ever be. Stop focusing on celebrity news and culture and embrace your own. Embrace your lives and make changes to make your lives better. If you have issues with the world, don’t wait for someone else to start the fight, start it yourself and get others involved. As a society, we are failing. Embrace those that dare to be different and stand alongside those that want to speak out. Because otherwise, the voices that were gifted to each and everyone of us, are going to waste.

For a while, I forgot I had a voice. I let so many of my issues go unheard and then I thought, well screw you. I’m important too and what I say matters. I mean sure, I’m one person. But this one person, has 42 followers directly to this blog and over 400 followers on twitter. That’s over 400 sets of ears that could read this and if one person shares it, then the possible audience will just grow because that is the power of social media. That is the power we have as a society, so why don’t we use it?

 

Thank you for reading. I know I’ve been a bit distant recently, but I promise to blog more. After all, my voice needs to be heard one way or another. I hope you all have an amazing weekend. Follow me on Twitter and Insta @OpenUpWithMe and head over to my facebook page by searching ‘openupwithmeblog’. Until the next time, keep smiling. Ferrari. ❤️

I’m A Queen…

How shallow and superficial must I be to refer to myself as a Queen, but I honestly believe that there is royalty in all of us, it’s just a matter of establishing your self worth. You are worth more than anyone else gives you credit for. You go through battles that nobody sees every single day and you don’t give yourself enough props. You work through hard days because its expected, even though inside it kills you just to fake a smile. You have been put down and forgotten, but that’s because you forgot to remember yourself. You and you alone have got through every day that lead you to today and there is always a reason for it. Even in your darkest moments, there are reasons. You are not alone, you will never be alone for as long as you want people around. You are loved even when you don’t love yourself. You are you and that’s the best person to be. You are worth every diamond, every rock and everything in between. Because you, are irreplaceable.

Every single person on this planet has troubles and no single person is perfect. Anyone who claims to be, is a robot and doesn’t actually function. Perfection is a standard set to promise failure because its not achieveable. So stop trying and just embrace who you are, warts and all.

Today, I got asked what I would write to a 13 year old me, and it was such a simply hard question to answer. They didn’t know that at 13 my life changed so dramatically that I still haven’t really got myself back and that wasn’t their fault, but how I let that time affect me now, is my fault. This was a time where I was called a drama queen, an attention seeker, a liar and manipulator and most of all, it was the time that I needed everyone around me more than ever. I have spent most of my life as a victim of my past and I refuse to let it have that control over me anymore. I refuse to let other peoples actions and words determine the person that I let my little girl live up too. How can I, as a mother of a girl that will one day also be a teenager, let things that brought so much self destruction and self doubt, be the things she see? I can’t. The day I gave birth to her, I became a Queen in her eyes and she became my little princess. The one girl that I would give my life for without a first thought, let alone a second. I would go to the ends of the earth for her, and that means facing the demons that haunt my nightmares and keep me awake. It means admitting that PTSD is a real thing and its soul destroying but I will not let that be the side she grows up with.

If I wrote a letter to 13 year old me, it would go something like…

“Dear “Drama Queen”,
Embrace your title, embrace your dreams because you can do anything. No single person can stop you from living your life and being the person you want to be.
There are people around you that are going to become toxic, and although you are going to go through a turbulent time, it will get easier and it will all be worth it. But you can’t let their words shape you. You can go through hell and back, just don’t lose your smile. Don’t lose your personality and don’t lose your voice.
Your body is amazing, and you don’t need to worry about your weight until you get pregnant, because believe me, you will get fat but your child is worth it. Don’t lose that love of food, because it will make you try such random but beautiful meals. Food isn’t the answer, and neither is avoiding it.
Make sure you pick your own path. There are people that will say being creative doesn’t lead to jobs, and its bollocks!
Don’t hide your emotions. Don’t be embarrassed, you have a big heart and so many of your problems can be solved if you open up. People won’t always leave, I mean, you get to meet some of the best people, just open up and tell them what it’s like. There’s a reason you think and feel differently, and the ones that matter, won’t ever judge you for it, they try to understand it and they embrace it.
So many people will make you feel small, so many will doubt you and will try to bring you down, but you are worth more than that. Believe in yourself and you will be surprised where you end up.
Its going to be okay, I promise, and you should know, we don’t make promises we have no intention of keeping!”

I realised today that I wouldn’t change the things I went through, not the good and not the bad, but I would change how I dealt with it. So I’m going too. One day, very soon, I will post about the nightmares, I will post about the scariest and darkest moments because if I’m going to address them, It’s going to be my way. I always said I wanted to use my voice to make a difference, and I thought that meant going into law because I love arguments. I didn’t need a law degree because I have this. I have my voice and I have one hell of a way to go. But if I can help one person, if I can make a difference in just a single life, then all of the pain that I suffered to be strong will be worth it.

My little princess.

 

Life wasn’t meant to be easy, but it was meant to be lived. I’m not going to live in fear. Not in fear of others and their words, of people and their actions and I refuse to be scared of who I am. To some I am nothing, to others I am something, but to the most important person, I am everything, and that is enough for me. Don’t lose yourself to opinions of the few, because they will always look to bring you down to them because its easier to attack. Embrace the ones who matter, because they are irreplaceable. Until the next time, enjoy your day and ill speak soon. Ferrari❤️