You are enough…

If you’ve been following my blog for a while or even if you know me on a personal level, you will know that I suffer with my mental health massively. At 24, I found out the reason that I was and never have been able to control my emotions is due to BPD, and things started to make sense. The past trauma and emotional neglect was enough to rewire my brain and now I have to learn to deal with my emotions whilst trying to teach both my babies emotional control. Talk about mission impossible.

The irony that the person who has a problem regulating emotions, is the one left to teach them how to deal with their emotions. The irony that someone who literally feels everything on a much grander scale, is the one who has to teach how to overcome the sad times and smile in the bright moments. That I have to teach them that emotions are fine, just don’t live in them. Don’t let your emotions control your life and make your choices for you.

I hate this disorder most of the time. I love it during my happy moments. Those moments feel like I’m floating and nothing can touch it. The problem comes when one tiny thing can make my whole day come crashing down. The problem comes when that tiny little thing is something that seems like a minor inconvenience, but to me, its just the end of the world.

If you know me personally, you know that I am the type of girl who always has a smile on her face. You wouldn’t believe that I’ve been battling an eating disorder since I was 13. You wouldn’t be able to see that I’ve got years of trauma and abuse that I hide. You wouldn’t know that still to this day I have nightmares about an ex who managed to get to me without being seen by a house filled with people. The same person who seems to be finding ways to scare me now, to the point I sleep with a knife next to my bed because if he ever gets to me again, I will be ready.

You wouldn’t know that I have been battling self harm since I was 16. That the first time I ever cut myself, my mum made me feel so guilty about it that I went back out and cut them even further for putting that burden on her. I don’t and have never cut myself to end my life. If I wanted to end it, I’d walk to the train station again but I haven’t. I cut myself because I can’t deal with the mental pain in my head, I’d rather focus on a physical pain.

You wouldn’t believe behind the girl who smiles, laughs and doesn’t have a care in the world is someone who analyses everything. I notice the mood changes, the changes in tone, the subtle changes that everyone misses. I’m the one who could have you believing that I’m filled with confidence, when I’m petrified.

Right now, I’m in a hole and I’m scared. I know I’ll be okay and I know I’ll fake that I’m okay so too many people don’t worry but I’m not. I can’t believe my friends because right now I don’t feel like the person they see. I am the girl who has the biggest heart and has forgiven people I should have buried. That big heart comes with the biggest burden. When I feel something, I feel it with every fibre of my being. My emotions consume me and I lose all control. I can’t do things half hearted. I put my heart into everything and that scares me. Because if I’m honest, at this moment, I feel weak and pathetic.

I don’t feel like myself, I don’t feel like I’m worthy of anything because why would I be? Everyone says that it isn’t my fault and I had done nothing wrong but all the feelings and thoughts I buried are telling me different. I’m messed up. I’m too much. I don’t feel like I’m enough. And that freaking sucks because I know deep down that these thoughts will pass but they are consuming every choice I make. I’m not going to say I don’t want to be here anymore because that isn’t true. But I do want the pain to stop. I want the thoughts to be silenced. I want the memories to fade.

It’s not even just about a broken heart anymore. I don’t care about him or what he’s doing with her. They are welcome to a lifetime of happiness together if they so wish. And I honestly hope that he finds it soon, because despite where this year is taking us, his happiness still means something to me. See, my friends don’t understand how I can feel so broken but wish nothing but the best for the person who hurt me. The truth is, he is just the latest to hurt me. I’ve been hurt by my family. I’ve been hurt by the people I trusted most in this world and they still abandoned me.

It’s that people always leave. And I’m the type of person who leaves the door open because once I care, I don’t stop. I may not want to associate with you but I still care. It’s that people lie instead of being honest. It’s that so many people have hidden agendas and can’t just give the other person the respect they’re owed. It’s that I always find the best in people and I ignore things I shouldn’t.

I may not feel like enough right now. I may feel low and I may cry because everything is getting to me. But I will beat this. I will build a ladder and get out of this hole. It may take a while but I will do it. I’m just sorry that right now I am not the person I should be. I am sorry that my smile is fake and my laugh is forced. I am sorry that I’m the brightest light I can be. I am sorry that my friends have to see this side of me. I am sorry that you love me enough to not want to see me hurting. But I am so thankful to have the people in my life that I do. I am so thankful for my children who stop me from making a permanent decision for temporary feelings. I am thankful for having a big heart because I get to feel the most love from everyone.

Lastly, thank you to each and every reader. Thank you for reading, even when it’s not the most positive of posts. Thank you for reaching out and letting me know that I’ve made an impact in your life. And I am sorry that this isn’t a more positive post. I will be okay and maybe one day I’ll tell you all the truth about my battle over the last 36 hours, but like the cuts, it’s still very raw. Thank you for coming back and hopefully I will be back to writing about the positives soon enough. I just can’t finish most of my posts. The only reason I managed this one was because it was written whilst I was still in an episode.

I’m saying this to you as I always do, but also as a reminder to myself. Until the next post, I hope wherever you are in this world, you are smiling because the world is a brighter place with you in it.

If anything…

I want to hate you. But I just can’t. I can’t hate what we went through. I can’t hate the person you proved to be. I can’t hate the memories we share or the words we said. I can’t hate the nights we spent on the phone and the ones I spent in your arms. I can’t hate pain that I’m experiencing because it gave me the happiness I needed. I’m not the type of person who can hold onto hate.

Before I met you, I was broken. My heart was aching. My smile had faded. I was lost and hurting from a guy who would never choose me. You come out of nowhere. And you handed me all the tools to fix myself. To find myself again. You made me laugh harder than I had done in ages. You helped me open my heart to something good. You found me when I was broken and took the time to help me fix myself. And that was what I needed, because you handed me the tools to get over you.

I may not be there yet, but I am handling it better than I thought I would be. I don’t hate the you that couldn’t be honest. I don’t hate the choice you made. I don’t hate the way you acted. I don’t hate you because I don’t need to. I don’t hate the way you looked me in the eyes and said “we are going great”. I don’t hate the way you rung me when I told you I missed you after being ghosted. I don’t hate the way you was “too busy”. I don’t hate the guy you showed. I just don’t want too. Because that tarnishes something that for a while meant everything.

I can find happiness now in the small things. The way me and my best friend have attempted to smash a world record and keep failing massively. In the way my son will hear his sister scream and go running into help despite being half her size. He doesn’t care cause that’s his sister. It’s in the way Luna loves to share every single detail of her day with me. It’s in the way that both my children still come and give me a hug just because they needed a mummy cuddle.

How can I hate something that brought me back? You taught me to save the things worth saving. You taught me to step out of my comfort zone. You taught me how to want the very best for someone that I have to say goodbye to. You taught me how to fall before I ever met you. You taught me how to be your biggest cheerleader behind your back. You taught me to have faith in things that are bigger than us. You taught me that life will always teach me something and then show me why.

I needed you. I found you when I needed you only I didn’t know that you was what I needed. I found a friend in you that I never wanted to lose. I found a laugh in me that I lost for a very long time. I found a smile that couldn’t hide anything. I found a light that would never burn low again. I found life behind the colour grey. I found unconditional love for myself. I found self respect and boundaries. I found my limit.

I am beyond thankful for all our memories because they were times spent with you. I am thankful for every conversation we ever had, because they made me understand you, for both the good and the bad. I am thankful for every phone call we had at night because I learnt to go to sleep in peace. I am thankful for every smile you sent my way. I am thankful for every laugh from the bottom of my stomach, the ones where I had to literally catch my breath from laughing so hard. I am thankful for every time you became quiet and withdrawn, because it taught me that you have signs, before you become overcome with demons that you can’t hide from.

I am thankful that I got to play such a small part in your journey. I am thankful that it was you because the night we first met, I knew you’d play an important part of my life. I am thankful for letting you in, even at times when I thought I couldn’t. I am thankful for every time you put distance between us, because you taught me how to be without you. But, I am also thankful that you let me in. I am thankful that you opened your life to me even if now doesn’t mean anything.

I hope that I never become a regret to you. I hope that you never have any negative feelings attached to us. I hope that you chase after every dream you have, because I believe you can achieve anything you set your mind too. I hope you realise that I will never hold any of this against you. I hope that you find peace in your mind because I’ve witnessed you crack. I hope that you find someone who you choose at every opportunity but who chooses you back every time. I hope you find a way to remember that I will never give up wanting the very best of this life for you. I hope you remember that I will always have a smile on my face that you helped me find again.

You taught me how to get over someone which will help me get over you. I was emotionally blocked when it come to my writing. I could start loads of posts but couldn’t find the words to finish. I knew what I wanted to say but I couldn’t. I had blocked my emotions when it come to you. I believed you didn’t care so I wouldn’t allow myself to care about you. But that just isn’t who I am and I don’t intend to change just because I’m going through a bit of pain. I was blocked because I was looking at what happened, as the negative of never having you in my life again. The truth is, that I will carry a part of you with me for the rest of my life. You may not be physically in my life, but emotionally and mentally, you helped shape me into the person I am today.

I want you to know that you matter. I want you to know that you was appreciated. I want you to know that you mean something to someone. I want you to know that you need to let people in, because not everyone leaves. I want you to know that even after everything, you are worthy of it. I want you to know that I do love you and lastly I want you to know that I will never carry a doubt of regret about any of it.

So yes, I miss you. I am hurting. Yes I wish this wasn’t our outcome but I can’t change that anymore. I can’t pretend that not thinking about you is easy. Because it is one of the hardest things I have to do. Right now, it’s like there is a reminder of you every where I look and that’s how I know I’m meant to feel this for a little longer. But one day, you will simply be a short but important chapter in my book.

I missed a week…

Thank you to everyone that comes back week after week to read my blog posts. I truly appreciate all the support and love I get from writing. I know that last week I didn’t put anything out but some things happened that needed some time and patience to understand. I was in a bad place and just wanted to focus on myself and getting through the first few days. I am out of it and hopefully can get back to writing every week again. However, this week, you will get two posts. This one and then Monday at around midday, you will get the second one.

Writing is and always will be a massive hobby of mine that is not only my outlet, but also the hardest thing I can do sometimes. Writing is easy. It’s one of the easiest things to do but sometimes, as a writer, you get writers block. Writers block hits every writer at some point and it’s one of the most frustrating things in the world. Because, you know what you want to write, and you can start them but you can’t get your words onto the paper. You know what you want to say but every time you try and write it, you scrap it or you start over. You can’t quite bring yourself to finish it because you always hold your writing to the highest possible standing.

My writing is the easiest way to express myself and when I get blocked, I get so annoyed. I can’t stand that my words can’t be expressed because I feel trapped. And the truth is, I was trapped. I was trapped because I put my emotions into my writing. I pour my heart and soul into my writing and when I decided to put a wall up, because of how I felt, I knew I wouldn’t be able to finish anything or get anything out without getting past that wall. So I had to face those emotions.

Those emotions that I tried so hard to bury, I had to face. And let me tell you it hurts. But I managed to. Despite not wanting to write about it and then realising I had to, was freaking annoying. I started 14 drafts that I couldn’t finish until I finally managed to finish one I felt happy with. However, it’s the more personal side. It’s a part of a story I don’t want to release. It’s a chapter of my life that I didn’t want to end but I appreciate the journey.

When I first decided that I was going to start writing again, I had so much that I wanted to say. I had so much to get off my chest that I didn’t know where or how to start and then choices were made which made me face it. I wanted to pretend that things were okay but when it comes to my writing, I can’t put up a façade. I can’t pretend to be okay because this is one place I know I don’t have to hide. So my promise to you all, will be that I am going to let you see a deeper insight into my posts.

I am a perfectionist when it comes to my writing, so I can’t post things that I’m not 1000% happy with. The flow has to be correct, the message has to mean something. I can’t just put out a post for the sake of posting. I can’t face my life if I never have an outlet. However, this week I have 14 drafts that were written. A fair few of them are pretty decent and topics that I know I want to write about. I just couldn’t finish them because of the block so I knew they weren’t ready yet. One day, they will be. I want to get it down to less than 10 by the end of this year.

When I first started writing, I wrote for me. Then as more people connected with my blog, I found myself wording them into my posts. I found that I wasn’t only writing for myself anymore. I was writing for everyone that couldn’t find the right words to say what they were thinking. In a world filled with social media, people find it hard to express true emotion without fear. And the truth is, our feelings are nothing to be scared of. They each teach us everything from discovering our boundaries, letting people in, knowing who we can and can’t trust. Our words are one of the most expensive things we own, because they have the ability to make or break someone’s day. So I always want to make sure my writing is used to build people up, to help them face their fears and emotions as well as finding a release that they aren’t alone in how they are feeling.

Thank you to every single person who has viewed today’s blog post. I hope you have had a lovely two weeks, and I appreciate you taking the time to come back even though I didn’t post last week. Thank you to every person that shares the posts, gives it a like and to every single person that has subscribed to the blog itself. I honestly feel so overwhelmed that many people can find things in my blog that helps them and you make this blog worth it. If you’re reading this when it first comes out, know that there is another post coming out at about midday tomorrow. And lastly, wherever you are in the world, I hope that you are smiling because this world deserves to see your smile brighten a room.

Why I started blogging…

Happy 2024 everyone! I know it’s Sunday and we’ve already been in this year for 7 days but considering it’s my first post of the year, I thought I’d start it off on the right note! I hope that this year is the best one yet for everyone reading and for their families. I know things are hard right now, but one thing I have learnt in life, is that we must always try to find the silver lining in everything we do, even if it’s difficult.

Today’s post, as you can tell is a reflection post on why I started blogging and how far I’ve come. I wrote my first blog piece way back on the 6th of April 2017. Has it really been that long? Since I started my blog, it has had 11.7 thousand views in 116 different countries by 7468 visitors. That has been over 146 posts with my best amount of 120 views in one day. I’d say that’s pretty impressive for what I believe is a small blog. Never did I imagine that my words would be read all over the world.

I wanted to have a place where I could express all parts of me, including the dark ones without fear. Writing is and has always been a very personal thing, but it is my biggest escape. I wanted to write about the things happening in my life, in an attempt to try and figure out how I was feeling and why, for the most part, it really did help. It wasn’t until August that I actually wrote a long post specifically for my blog and I’ve been blogging ever since. I’ve taken breaks from writing, but I always come back.

Between April and August, I found out I was pregnant with my eldest child Luna and my Addison’s disease was still a massive problem even with the pregnancy. I remember writing about how I never wanted to be controlled when it came to this blog and essentially that’s what I did. I allowed others to say what I can and can’t post to the point I just couldn’t write anymore.

My early posts are generally about my life, my mental health and about being a first time mum. All three things were major parts of my daily life and attempting to cope with my mental health when I first started writing. My therapist said that writing would be a great way to a release the emotions that I couldn’t express through talking. My biggest problem is I always bottle everything up and opening up is my biggest downfall. Hence, why I decided to call my blog open up with me, in the hopes that I might actually start to open up to all the people in my life.

Almost 7 years later and what have I really achieved? My blog has been read in so many different countries around the world, I have had many people reach out about my posts and how I’ve managed to capture the words that they felt but couldn’t express. Those comments mean a lot because I feel like even in the middle of the chaos, I have managed to help even one person, then I know that my writing has meaning.

I love writing so much and I find it so much easier to express myself when I write what I want to say compared to saying it. I think that stems from never thinking before I talk and saying whatever is on my mind which is not always a good thing. My mind is ruled by emotions and considering I have the emotional stability of a whirlwind rollercoaster, it’s never going to be a true reflection.

I think if I look back at the person who started the blog, I still have a massive trouble opening up to people. I worry too much about how people are going to react, how they are going to perceive what I’m saying, if they’re going to think that I’m just over reacting. I worry that my mind is playing tricks on me and that the way I’m feeling is a response to overthinking and my emotions aren’t in line with what is actually going on. However, when it comes to writing, I get to express myself in a way that I can’t do physically to someone’s face. I manage to find the right words to express because I can just let my fingers do the talking and I don’t have to worry anymore.

Facing people, and telling them how I’m feeling, expressing why I’m feeling this way and watching their emotions display all over their face, even though they think they are great at hiding it, destroys me a little. I feel emotions on a level that I don’t know how or why. Maybe it’s because my emotional range is so huge and I feel things so deeply but whatever it is, has the ability to destroy me. However because of it, writing means not having to face them, not having to feel more than I already do and because processing my own feelings is easier hidden behind a screen where no one can be affected.

Writing has helped me in ways I can’t explain. It has helped me identify my triggers, it helped me learn to not lose my cool when I’m overreacting, it helped me realise that I generally have a reason why I’m feeling the way I do, and that even though there are people who don’t understand, it’s okay. I have learnt that to the right people, my emotions, my feelings and my thinking is okay because they want to be there and they want to try and understand it. However, for that to happen, I have to understand it myself and that’s why I write.

For so many people struggling, writing is a relief. They may not post it like I do, but they find that putting it out into the world even if it’s in the solidarity of their own world, it’s a weight lifted. Writing has saved me and it’s been a burden. There are times where I need to write and times where I want to write but there are also times I can’t write and all of them are okay because my blog will always be here for my escape. So if you’re struggling, try writing. I started by writing words linked to emotions, and then I started to form how I felt into sentences. And here I am, four years later, writing blog pieces and hoping that someone can find some help and support in my words.

Thank to you everyone that has taken the time to read my first blog post of the year. Over the next week, there will probably be two posts coming out this week. One is really personal to me and there may be another providing I can figure out just what I want to write for my weekly post… I have over 40 drafts, so maybe I will finally finish one of them. Hopefully I see you again next week. I hope that where ever you are in the world, that you are still smiling because the world is a better place with your smile in it.

Mum of two…

This last week has been one of the most challenging weeks of my life and not just because I came a mother of two.

As many of you would have known, I was pregnant with my most precious rainbow baby. I ended up in hospital because I was having mild contractions and was connected to a machine to measure them, and I was laying there as we watched his heartrate drop and I’ve never seen a room fill so quickly. There were midwives, surgeons and the drug specialist (I can’t spell the actual word), come into this room with a ultrasound machine and a form to consent to a C-section. Turns out he was perfectly fine, he just moved away from the monitors. From this point, my panic had set in. I was so scared that I was going to give birth to a still born and they’d lose his heart rate again.

It was at this point that we decided as a team to be induced as I was determined to give birth naturally. I was due to come back on the Friday at 2PM to be induced and start the process of a natural birth. However, because I had a C-section with Luna, my induction had to be done with a doctor and not just a midwife. So on the Friday when I was 38 and two, I went into hospital and was prepared that if the induction didn’t work, id be having another C-section regardless.

Well because many people were coming in, already in labour, the induction was put off until a doctor could be with me. This resulted in me being the only person on the ward Friday night and for half of Saturday. Again, it was pushed back because of people being ahead of closer to giving birth. Saturday night was hell! His heartrate went up to 175 and was higher more than it was normal. He was just being really active but they were concerned. After being monitored for two hours, being connected to a drip and having the surgeons, midwives, foetal movement specialist, obgyn and again the pain doctors all checking on me. For two hours it was touch and go on whether I’d be going down for a C-section. I was nil by mouth from 5PM and was starving. All I had was a drip and an active child. They made the decision that we would wait until the morning as they managed to regulate his heart rate. For the third time I had to consent to a C-section despite wanting to give birth naturally as it was the best decision for him.

Sunday morning, I was still nil by mouth just in case I had to have another C-section. I was only allowed my drip which was rushed through to keep me hydrated. My heart rate and blood pressure kept dropping, so this time It was me that was the concern. At 11AM, they came down and asked me what I wanted. My choices were be induced there and then, but risk having an emergency C-section if our heart rates didn’t behave or consent to a C-section and give birth within a few hours. I made the choice to abandon a natural birth and have my son via C-section to be on the safe side.

I hated my body at this point. I wanted a natural birth. I wanted to experience it but yet again my body decided against it. I walked up and down many flights of stairs to try and induce labour, I tried EVERYTHING except having sex in order to get him moving and nothing worked. So I figured my body hated me because it wouldn’t give way.

At 1:51 PM on Sunday the 6th of March, my handsome rainbow little man was born weighing 5lb 14oz and he is beyond perfect. It may not have been the birth I wanted. But it was the birth I got. And it’s now been a week with my handsome little man and I’m more in love with him each and every day. Luna is an incredible big sister and I couldn’t be prouder.

I’m handling this baby a lot better than I did with Luna, and I’m so beyond proud of myself. I’ve done it with very little help. I’ve done practically everything myself and I’m still going strong. He’s gaining weight steadily. He’s getting stronger and he’s keeping me smiling most of the time. I’m so thankful to everyone that has followed my journey from two miscarriages in 2020, to the birth of my little man in 2022! It was one hell of a week, but I’m bossing it.

Thank you to everyone who’s read this post. Thank you to everyone who’s helped me during this time and I’m honestly so thankful to my best friends! I don’t know where I’d be without them. I hope that you’re all having a good day. And remember wherever you are in the world… keep smiling!

I’m just not ready…

Today I didn’t cry. I wanted to. There were points where I wanted to just break and crumble. There were points where I wanted to turn my pain to my wrist like I had done so many times before. But I didn’t. I mean I know I deserve to feel some pain because of everything I’ve done. Because of the amount of nights I made them believe I didn’t love or miss them. The amount of nights I made them sit by the phone hoping I’d message. The amount of nights I had them questioning their self worth. That was selfish of me and because of it, I deserve to feel this pain. But it’s not physical.

This pain is mental. This pain is emotional. This pain is real. And this pain is my karma. No amount of apology’s will ever change the pain that I put them through. No amount of changed actions will ever make up for what I’ve already done. And no amount of I love you’s will ever bring them back. But that doesn’t stop how I feel. It doesn’t change what I want. It doesn’t suddenly turn off everything because it’s never going to happen. My head already knows that we’re over for good. My heart just hasn’t caught up.

It hasn’t caught up because I never wanted this to be the outcome. You believe in your heart that I used you and that I kept my distance because I wanted a single life. If I wanted that life, I’d have chosen to go out on the dates when they were offered, I’d have taken up the chances to not be alone but I didn’t. Because they wasn’t you. You believe that I chose a life without you over a family and that couldn’t be further from the truth. I know it’s how you feel but that doesn’t make it the truth. It doesn’t make it real. It’s just easier to believe than the truth.

I spent months working on myself, not to be better with someone else but to be better for you. For our future. For our family. For our hopes and dreams. For our children, both the ones we should have had, the one that’s made it this far, and the ones that we had separately. I spent months working on the problems I caused and the way I treated you. Only it was my own stubbornness of shutting you out that made you believe you wasn’t and were never important to me.

I know nothing can change our past. Nothing will ever bring you back. And nothing will make things right between us, and I’m fully aware of that. I already believed I pushed you too far, and I punished myself more than you ever could. I cried myself to sleep every night for weeks because of it. But it didn’t make me message you. I wanted too. I wanted to unblock you and tell you I never meant a word I said. I wanted to tell you that I loved you more than I had ever loved anyone but I didn’t believe it would have made a difference. So I never gave in. It’s not that I gave up on us, I gave up on myself.

I told you to move on in a fit of rage and fear. And you have. And knowing you’re truly happy, loved and in love, is probably the only light there is right now, because that’s all I will ever want for you. But know that I’m not there yet. I still have a lot of healing to do for someone who “never really loved you”… your words not mine. I still have many things I need to face in my heart before I can ever consider even talking to another guy in that capacity. And it’s going to take time. But I’ve got all the time in the world because I’m not in a rush. I want to know I’m completely over you before I even consider getting to that stage. I want to know that I never get to the point with anyone that I got with you. Nobody deserves that. And despite the fact that I’ve changed and I’ve grown, I’m still hurting.

The last time we spoke you told me to move on. And I will. One day I will. But I’m not there yet. And I’m sorry for that. I’m sorry that I hurt you and made you doubt me at all. I’m sorry that you suffered because I wasn’t right in the head. I’m sorry that I made you give up on me. I’m sorry that you fell out of love with me. I’m sorry that I wasn’t the person you deserved from the get go and I’m sorry that it took time to myself to get to the person I needed to be. It’s not that I ever wanted to let you go, I didn’t. I never wanted to imagine a life without you, I never wanted to let you go and I never wanted to be the person you deserved without you. But I have to now. And I’m accepting it. Because it’s what you want.

Right now, I’m still in love with you. I still miss you. And I still think about you. And I know that you don’t feel the same, and if it was that easy to turn this off, then it wouldn’t have been real love. But it’s not. I can’t just flick a switch. I can’t just shut down. And I won’t go back to flirting with others just to make myself feel better temporarily. I’m not going backwards anymore.

I fight every day with my heart not to miss you. I fight every day with my heart to want you. And I fight with my mind to stop thinking about you. But I’m not there yet. It’s going to take time. It’s going to take a lot of telling myself to stop being stupid before I get there. But I will do it for you. Because it’s what you want.

One day I will get there. I’m just not there yet. I’m sorry.

A journey of self discovery…

When you isolate yourself from all outside influences, it gives you plenty of time to think. To think about what you want, to think about where you plan to go, to think about the person you want to be. It gives you an insight into your mind and what your heart desires. But it also increases stress. Stress because you know where you want to go, you’re just not sure how to get there.

For months I’ve been doing some serious soul searching. I’ve been looking at the things I’ve done in the past and found ways to make sure they never happen again in my future. I’ve looked at the person I was and how far I’ve come to the person I am today. And it’s quite a big change. Not to everyone but it is to me. I’ve learned better ways to deal with things, even though I don’t always do it the way I should. I’ve learned triggers that cause me to lose control and I’ve learned about the person I know I can be.

See, I needed to be alone to figure my mind out because I knew I still had these massive barriers up that protected me from truly letting anyone in. Which meant that no one could ever break them down until I let them. But I couldn’t. I didn’t know why I couldn’t until a couple of months ago. I realised what was stopping me, I realised all my fears and anger that was making sure I didn’t consider letting them down. And I made an effort to change. It’s still a work in progress but I’m not that person anymore. I refuse to be that person ever again.

I know that when I’m stressed, or angry, or hurting or scared, that I react without thinking. I say things I don’t mean because I don’t engage my brain. Which is bad because that mixed with the BPD means that during that bad moment, I don’t see anything but darkness and I react to the darkness surrounding me. Instead of just letting in that small amount of hope. But I’m getting there. I’m trying to find hope in everything I possibly can because it’s always there.

I’m a pretty decent mum now, and I’ve handled this pregnancy a lot better than I did with Luna and for that I’m so proud of myself. But I wasn’t always this way. I spent years in a dark place, and when someone came in and showed me the light, I started to turn into a decent mother. I started to find ways to cope. And that was what started my journey of self discovery. Because I know my children would always deserve better than my past. And they will get it. I’ll make sure of that.

The problem with my head, is I don’t know what’s true and what isn’t during my dark moments. I don’t trust myself and that was the times that I would turn to those around me. It just so happened that because many of them didn’t agree with my choices or decisions, they would worm their way in and I’d let them. And that’s not the person I intend to be. I know my heart. I know my brain most of the time, but I know what I want. And to listen to those people tell me how I should be living my life, isn’t what I want anymore. I don’t want to be kept at the same level to please them. I don’t want to avoid things or people because they don’t agree. And I will never allow their opinions to become my truth. My heart and brain deserve better than that.

I’ve come a long way in the last few months. I’ve overcome my brain in many ways and I’ve learned to cope a lot better. Because I have too. I know where I’m going, because I’ve embraced where I come from and made those changes to improve my life, to improve the lives for the people that rely on me like my children and for whoever I love in the future. I know who I want in my life and who I don’t. I know that I don’t need anyone and I can support myself. Because I had too. I had to learn how to do it in order to grow as a person.

I spent years feeling like I didn’t deserve happiness, didn’t deserve love, so whenever I had it, I made sure to push it away by any means. I made sure to make sure that I fucked up because I already blamed myself for not being worthy. However it was those people that suffered. That got hurt. That got broken. All because I couldn’t understand why I felt the need to self sabotage everything around me. It’s only been the last few months that I changed that. I stopped trying to sabotage myself and I started to work on myself to be someone worthy. And slowly, I’m becoming that person. I just wish it hadn’t cost me so much to begin with. I just wish I went on this journey of self discovery years ago, like when I first fell pregnant with luna. But at that point I didn’t think even know I had BPD, I just knew I was over emotional.

This pregnancy has taught me more in my journey of self discovery than I ever thought it could. It’s made me realise so many things wrong with myself that I needed to change. It made me realise what was worth fighting for. It made me realise where I wanted to be in the future. And yes, those plans will never happen anymore but that’s okay. Because plans change. But my determination to work on myself and who I want to be will always be a continuous journey. I will always strive to be better, because my children deserve that and so much more.

Thank you to everyone who has taken the time to read todays post. I hope that if you too are on a journey of self discovery that you find many things that are good with yourself and not just focus on the bad. Remember to love yourself and others around you, not only today on Valentines day, but every single day of the year. Because we all deserve it. If any of you need any help or advice about a self discovery journey, feel free to message me by reaching out on Twitter, Facebook or Instagram on my dedicated blog related profiles. I mean I’m not perfect and I’ve still got a way to go, but I can always help to get you on the right track. And lastly keep smiling. Because your smile means everything to the right person.