Moving on…

Moving on is hard. It’s one of the toughest things we have to go through after a break up. Because the pain is still there and it’s still strong. It’s a constant reminder of what’s been and gone, what you’re leaving in the past and what will never be.

Usually, when it came to moving on, I’d find someone to give me all the attention I craved. I’d find someone to feel the whole that the other person left. This time, I didn’t. This time, I won’t. Because it’s never helped before. It doesn’t give me confidence knowing I could have someone with me right now if I wanted too, because the truth is, they aren’t who I want. And I’m not about to pretend that they are. Usually I’d drown myself with guys attention. This time, I wouldn’t.

You taught me more about self worth and self care than you’ll ever know. I know because I won’t tell you. I spent months working on myself to be a better person for you because I knew there were so many things I needed to change. Male attention was a big one. So I cut them out. Even after you told me you didn’t love me anymore, I went to go back to the person I used to be but I couldn’t. Because your memory meant more to me than that.

I have learned a lot about myself and where I went wrong. I’ve learned a lot about myself and how I needed to become better. I learned that you were right about so many things and I listened to the people who were telling me it was about control. I should have had more faith in you. I learned that I am only ever going to be the person I choose to be, so why should I let so many other people influence that decision? I’ve learned that the person I was in the past, needed to change, to grow up, to build a back bone, to be independent and to flourish. I intend to do that all. I just never thought you wouldn’t be at my side when I got there. I thought that no matter what we’d fight and make up. That you’d never give up on me like I never gave up on you.

You see, I won’t lie and pretend I didn’t want too. I did. But every thought always came back to you. Back to the person I was before we met and the person that’s standing here now. I’m not that girl. I’ve grown. The things I did wrong in our relationship have made sure that I’ve grown. That I will never be that person again. That I will never allow someone feel the way you did so many times before.

One day, I’m going to be ready to open my heart to someone again. One day I’m going to be ready to believe in love again. One day I’m going to be confident and not because of anyone else but me. One day I’m going to find happiness and one day I’m going to make sure that trust is the key thing. That communication is continuous. I’m going to live up to the person you believed me to be. The person you wanted me to be. The person that you saw a future with. But that future will not consist of us together. And yes it hurts to think about, but it won’t always be this way. One day, you’ll be nothing more than a memory that rarely crosses my mind and I’ll be everything you wanted with someone else. And for that I’m sorry. Because it would have always been you first.

Moving on is tough. It’s sucks. It’s heartbreaking. It’s a long and horrible process. But now, it’s one that has to and will be done. Not because I want it. Not because I believe it’s for the best. But because it’s what you want from me. So I’ll honour you in my next relationship. Whenever that may be. Just because I intend to move on, doesn’t mean I stopped loving you, it doesn’t mean that I don’t want you anymore, it just means that I gave up on the hope that maybe you want me back. But that one day won’t happen until I know I can go days without you ever crossing my mind. Because until that day, I can’t give up. Even though I know I should.

I have no right…

I have no right to want or deserve a place in your life. I pushed you. I hurt you. I broke you. I lied to you. I told you things out of spite and anger. I love you but I never showed it. I wanted you but you doubted it. I can recognise every tiny thing I did wrong and by the time I figured it out. By the time I managed to do the self healing I spent ages doing, I realised my biggest regret was losing you. It was not telling you what was happening inside my head. It was pushing you away because fear told me you’d never stay.

I lost all rights to love you when I couldn’t have you because I couldn’t show you how much I appreciated you when I had you. I lost all rights to want you when I pushed you into the arms of another. I lost every right to be angry when I made you feel anger so many times before.

And I am sorry. I am sorry that you couldn’t read my mind in the times that I needed to stop being scared and let you in. I’m sorry that I wasn’t enough to overcome it at the time we was together. I’m sorry that it took me so long to finally fix myself and by that time it was too late. I’m sorry for every tear I made you cry. I’m sorry for every night you went to sleep thinking you wasn’t enough for me. I’m sorry for every time you felt alone and unappreciated. I’m sorry for every time you had to suffer because of me.

I’m trying to do what you want. But it’s hard. Because my heart is broken and I don’t know how to put it together. Your memory is everywhere and I don’t know how to shut it down. My regret I deserve. I know that. My pain is mine to own because I never stopped causing yours. This suffering I deserve because I focused on my own self healing rather than our growth. I focused on sorting my head out to overcome my fears than our family life. And I will always be sorry for being too late.

I’m trying so hard not to write about you. I’m trying so hard not to remember you. I’m trying so hard not to text you. But it only works so much. Then I just tell myself that you’ve moved and you’re happy. And that’s all I want for you. For you to have true happiness. For you to experience the love I had for you but didn’t show, from someone who wouldn’t wait too long to show you. I know she will never lose you because of stupid things that I let destroy us. And I’m happy for you. For you to go to sleep at night knowing you are loved and you are wanted. I may not have shown it the way I should have, but you meant everything to me, so I hope that she knows just how lucky she is.

You once called us soul mates. You told me I was the love of your life and I read that message so many times after my outburst. Because I never told you that I felt the same. You apologised so much for the last message before you said that, and I told you I’d always remember the words you said and the pain it caused because it was said out of anger. But I forgave you. I had too. Because I knew that I felt the same. I was just too stubborn to tell you. I was too foolish to show you. Now you’ll never know.

I genuinely hope she’s the one for you. That she gets to see your smile every day and know that she’s the reason you are so bright. But I hope she tells you. I hope she holds you every night and knows that she is blessed. Because being in your arms is the only comfort I had in us. I am happy for you and I wish you all the best. I know you won’t read this, which is why I know I can write it. Because I’m not writing for you. I’m writing to heal.

One day maybe I’ll move on. And maybe I’ll realise that you aren’t the love of my life. Or I’ll end up realising you was and I lost it. Either way I’m going to get there. I’m going to be stronger than this. My heart won’t break every time I hear a song, see a show, watch a film or hear a joke that reminds me of you. My heart won’t crumble when I see someone dancing like you used to around my living room. One day, I will get there. Because I no longer have a choice.

I’m honestly sorry that I’m not there yet.

Burying your feelings will only destroy you in the end…

I’ve spent months watching what I say, specifically making sure I don’t let out my true emotions. I’ve spent months burying shit so deep inside me because I couldn’t tell anyone the truth. I’ve spent months living in fear and reacting to that fear. I’ve spent months listening to doubts than trusting my heart. And I’m through with it.

I will spend the rest of my life making sure the people I love, whether it’s friends, family or a relationship in the future making sure they know how much I love and appreciate them. I will spend my days making sure they know they’re not an option to me, that their my choice.

I’ve changed a lot over this year but some of it has been for the worse. So many times I’ve let my emotions rule my mouth instead of taking a step back and remembering that my black and white thinking isn’t the end. So many times I’ve said things I didn’t mean and acted in a way I didn’t believe in because I couldn’t control my emotions. And it cost me a lot of things.

I’ve learned that it’s better to argue and sort it out than to shut down and bottle everything inside. I’ve learned that no matter how hard things get, you should always fight for what you want and what you love because being without it isn’t the better option. I’ve learned that life is bloody hard but it’s so much better with people you love by your side. I’ve learned not to shut my mouth because other people won’t agree with my choices. I’ve learned that no one else should control my life but me.

Life is full of lessons. And sometimes they hurt so much that you feel like it’s falling apart. Sometimes you feel like there’s no coming back, but there is. There always is, if you take the risk. I’ve learned that people will be a part of your life if they want to be. That sometimes they’re going through a difficult time and you have to be patient.

I’ve learned that so many people will try to get in your ears and your head and tell you how you should be feeling and what you should be doing. Don’t listen to them and trust your heart. It knows you better than they do. I’ve learned that relationships are tough and you shouldn’t give up on them. Because they’re the greatest bonds you will ever get. I’ve learned that I need to show people how I feel more and not let those feelings stay in my head. I’ve learned that being in love with someone, truly in love with them, means forgiving all the worst things because those moments aren’t the end of the world.

True love finds you at your worst and helps make you a better person. And yet true love never leaves. It never gives up. It never loses hope. It never fades away completely. It never dies. It always forgives. It always reminds you that you’re stronger than you realise. True love is something that can’t be measured or explained. It’s just there. Always there. Even when you try and bury it. Even when you try to deny it. It’s still there.

Maybe I haven’t found the one yet. Maybe I’ve still got so much more healing and focusing left to do. Maybe I’ll find them one day. Maybe I already have. I don’t know. But I do know what it’s like to be so in love with someone that you forgive them during their outbursts. I know what it’s like to be so in love with someone that your day is brightened by something as simple as a smile. I know what it’s like to never wanna give up on someone. I just didn’t show it when I should have. I lost the one guy I wouldn’t give up on because I told him I already had.

Every day is a struggle right now. It’s a struggle to sleep because there’s a 35 week baby growing inside me that thinks it’s perfectly acceptable to be the most active human being ever. I throw myself into distractions in the hopes that they make me feel better for a while. I fake the smiles so no one sees the pain behind my eyes. I push myself to get through every day when really I just want to cry. I mean I don’t. Not during the day, I wait until I’m alone with just my thoughts, I play music and let the tears fall. Because I know one day the tears will stop and I’ll be better. It’s just not right now.

Right now I’m not okay. But that doesn’t mean I won’t be. Right now, I know I’m not at the place I need to be but every day I’m taking steps in that direction. Right now, I’m trying even though there are things destroying me. Right now I’m planning for my future. The one with an amazing daughter and my strong little boy. They are the only two people who matter to me. They are the ones that keep me pushing when I’d rather fall apart. They are my strength and my salvation. They are my smile that I don’t need to fake. They are my everything. And nobody will ever come close to them.

I hope one day that I find a way to be okay. To be stronger. To be smarter. To be wiser. To be more open. To show what I mean rather than say what I don’t. I hope one day that my smile won’t be forced at any point. I hope that I find my laugh again. Because my little family deserve it. They are worth living for.

Thank you to everyone who read my blog post today. Your support is amazing. I hope each and every one of you makes sure that your loved ones know they are loved more than anything on this planet. And until next time, I hope that you’re all smiling because the world needs to see it more. Not the smiles you fake for everyone else, but the true genuine ones.

The last time…

I never thought I’d be sitting here writing this. I never thought I’d ever have a reason too. But I have to. Now is the time. And it’s the last time. It’s the last time I’ll ever write how I feel about this matter and it’s the last time I’ll ever think about it in this much detail.

One of the hardest things in this life is watching someone you love, love someone else. Don’t get me wrong, I am happy for you. Of course I am. I do actually love you enough to put your happiness first. And that’s why this hurts. Because it’s not you that’s going to live with this feeling. But I am and I will move past it. I haven’t got a choice anymore.

I will never be the innocent party. I fucked up. Of course I did. We both did. But you didn’t do it as much as I did nor to the scale that I did. And for that I am honestly and truly sorry. I am sorry that at one moment I made the final choice to put the nail in our coffin. I made that choice out of spite and anger, out of fear and frustration. And it’s not even the one I’d take back the most. It’s what I did after that I can’t take back.

I shut you out repeatedly because I knew one day I’d lose you and I tried to keep you far away. It doesn’t matter how much I loved you, how much I wanted to show you, fear always won. It will always win. And it cost me you in more ways than one. It cost me us. It cost me our future. It’s cost me a family life. It cost me everything I wanted with you, all because I made a decision when I wasn’t in the right frame of mind. I shut you out again because I was hurting and you took the brunt of it.

Throughout our relationship, I listened to other people more than I listened to you. I relied on people more than I relied on you. I turned to other people more than I turned to you. And I know that I shouldn’t have. I should have trusted my heart and not let other influences decide for me, whether it was people, emotions or history.

For months I’ve been sitting wondering how I could make things better for us moving forward. I really and truly wanted to make things better. And I tried. I tried to not react to my emotions which is hard when you’re pregnant especially when you’re pregnant with BPD. I tried to focus on us and our future but fear was telling me that you’d run away. So again, I pushed you. I was at my weakest, feeling scared and vulnerable and instead of coming to you, instead of letting you in, I pulled away.

I did love you. I was in love with you. I wanted you. But I didn’t show it. I didn’t show it because I couldn’t. I couldn’t let you see me be vulnerable. I couldn’t commit to a future with you when I was scared that you’d be the one to walk away. I couldn’t open up to you because I was scared you wouldn’t understand. I wouldn’t let you in because doing that, meant opening myself up in a way that meant being destroyed.

I made mistakes. Last year was full of mistakes. It was full of pain and suffering. It was full of choices I made for the wrong reasons. It was full of torment that I was putting onto you. And you paid the price. We both did. Just not in the same way.

I could see you slipping away in January. I felt you drift further in February and by March I made a decision to do something that I shouldn’t because I wanted to be over you. I thought and believed we were over for good so I wanted to break the connection. It didn’t work. I got hurt and you reminded me about it every chance you got.

April, we slowly started to work on things. You finally let me put it publicly that we was together. You let me uploads photos and tell the world that you was mine. And that meant everything to me. I stopped feeling like a secret that you’d rather have hidden. I started to believe in us again. But my thoughts were getting too hard to bare. My mind was going crazy with all these what ifs that just didn’t make sense. So again, I pushed you away.

By May, we were rarely seeing eachother and I told you I was single. Despite telling others that I was unavailable and wanted you, I told you that I wanted to focus on me. Both were true. Because I couldn’t focus on me with you because I still had a barrier up blocking you out. I was still hiding away because it was easier to deal with. And I wish I had just let you in. I wish you knew what I was thinking and feeling. I wish you understood.

June. This was the month that everything changed. We spent our anniversary of the miscarriage together. We got extremely drunk, again we argued, again I let my emotions get the better of me, but that day was already emotional. But still we stayed together and our son was conceived. Our miracle. Our third try at a pregnancy. And I can’t begin to tell you how happy and scared I was all in the moment we found out. Those first 12 weeks, I panicked over every pain, every twinge, every stressed moment. I was so scared that history was going to repeat itself. That our baby wasn’t going to survive. So again, I pushed you out. Because it was easier than letting you in. I didn’t think you’d understand.

Weeks went by with the pregnancy. We argued. We both said things we didn’t mean because we reacted. And again, we called time. We tried for weeks and weeks to make it work. But I never truly let you back in. The fear was always there. I was always worried I would never be enough because I didn’t ever see myself as enough for anyone. It didn’t matter how much I wanted us to work, I couldn’t make us work without sorting out my head and getting over that fear.

At Christmas, you reached out and I tore you down. I was stressed, worried about Luna and not sleeping because the pregnancy was taking it’s toll on me and again you received the brunt of it. You messaged at the wrong time, and couldn’t understand why I wasn’t replying. And I snapped. I snapped like I never had before. I shut down. I said things that weren’t meant the way they were written.

Yes of course I didn’t want our relationship to be the way it was. Because I wanted to let you in. But I was too stubborn to admit it. I didn’t want to continue the way we was, because I wanted to make it better, not just for us but for the family we were building. For the connection we had. But none of it came out because at that moment, I reacted in anger. I told you to move on and instantly regretted it. But fear told me that I would never be worthy of you and it was right.

You look happier. You look at peace. You look content with life. And I’m happy for you. Of course I am. I mean just because I’m hurting doesn’t mean that I want to see you suffer. You already did because I couldn’t let you in. But I won’t lie and pretend I’m okay. I won’t lie and tell you that I’m over it. I won’t lie and say that I’m happier. I’m not.

I took you for granted. I knew how much you meant to me. I knew how much I wanted us to work and I knew how much you loved me and I took you for granted. I didn’t show you. I didn’t let you in. I didn’t make you feel important. I let you down. I broke you. I hurt you. And I never wanted too. I never wanted to lose us. And it took a lot for me to swallow my pride and fight with myself just to message you. And it was far too late. Believe me, I do understand that.

Everything I didn’t want, I got. Everything I wished I fought harder for, I lost. And now I get to live my life watching another be the person I should have been. The person I wanted to be. I get to see you have our family with her and know that I pushed you into it. I get to wake up every day and look at where you used to lay and know that I walked away first and was too stubborn to lay my armour down. I get to know that I will never get to be in your arms or have our future. And I have to live with it all knowing I could have stopped it if I didn’t send that message.

I don’t believe I’ll ever stop loving you. You gave me so much. You helped me with so much, you saw more in me than I ever saw in myself and I treated you poorly. All because I was afraid. I am sorry. You will never know how sorry I am. You will never see how broken I am. And you will never know the true extent of how much I love you. Because it doesn’t matter anymore. I don’t matter to you anymore and that’s okay. Because your happiness means more to me.

I will do everything in my power to move on. To forget us. To forget every memory. Every thought. Every thing that holds us together. Because today, I finally gave up hope for us. You told me you didn’t love me and that took the last of the fight I had left. But if you hadn’t, I’d have fought every day to make you see my world is a much better place with you in it. I’d have fought to show you how much I loved you. I’d have fought to let you in to every thought process, every niggle, every little fear I had. But you let me go and now I have to let go myself.

Our son will have two loving parents. He will be blessed with the best of us both. And that’s okay. That’s all I want now. And I’m thankful that he’s made it this far, even when we couldn’t.

One day I will be over you. One day I won’t be in love with you. Just let me process and deal with it. Let me come to terms with us being over for good. And hopefully I’ll be there by the time our son is born. Because he is our priority. And that’s all I get to ask for anymore.

October 2019 – December 2021. A time I’ll never forget. 💔

Things people with BPD do when they’re feeling unloved…

I was reading a post today where someone asked members of the BPD community things they do when they’re feeling unloved. It’s honestly a good read for loads of different insights into various minds of BPD. If you want to read the original post, you can check it out by clicking this link https://myhealthbodycoach.com/2021/11/28/16-things-people-with-bpd-do-that-are-code-for-i-feel-unloved/?fbclid=IwAR3gUL7vN_znaD56DQr7f7OIdB9TJg8sNWQ2jv_YcrURS9i1XzzqSNvD-Ss. I was reading it and thought how true it was and how many of them I’ve actually done and a fair few of them being quite recent.

The above post is about many different peoples experiences however, considering this is my blog, I thought I’d write about them from a personal point of view to try and help those of my family and friends understand my mental health issues a little better.

1. Ghosting. I still do this! I do this quite a lot. When my emotions are getting too much for me, when I feel like I am loosing all control, I will shut everyone out, despite knowing that they’d be there for me. I shut them out because its so much easier than trying to explain to them why I’m not okay. It’s easier than explaining to them that emotionally I’m devastated.

2. Isolating. I isolate myself when I ghost everyone. I isolate myself because that way I can’t get hurt. Nobody can hurt me if they can’t get close enough to me. They can’t make me feel any worse if I don’t allow them to be around me.

3. Shutting down. When I’m emotionally exhausted, I shut down. I tend to do this most nights after putting Luna to bed. I just lose all motivation. I mean most of the time I don’t even love myself enough to fight through it, so feeling withdrawn from those I love is nothing new to me. My mind jumps from complete happiness to overwhelming sadness so quickly because I got triggered by something and shutting down is the easiest way to deal with it.

4. Picking fights. If I start to feel like someone’s abandoning me or doesn’t love me anymore, I will end up picking a fight, because my brain sees a reaction as a form of still caring. It’s a toxic trait that I am trying my hardest to work on but sometimes it’s something so small that triggers a whole amount of rage and I just flip. I then end up saying things I regret without thinking about the consequences of those words.

5. Throwing away sentimental things. I’ve thrown away a lot because I believe there’s no point holding onto them when they don’t really care… most of the time they do care and I always end up regretting it but I can’t help it. The constant reminder gets too much sometimes.

6. Keeping a guard up. I always have a guard up. Not because I mean to, but because it’s so much easier to deal with when they do eventually walk away.

7. Asking for validation. I seek constant reassurance when I’m feeling at my worst. And I mean, its overwhelming sometimes. I mean it’s hard for me to deal with so I have absolutely no doubt that it’s hard on them too. I’m sorry, that sometimes it’s too much. I can’t help it. Fear and anger are my biggest downfalls when it comes to my emotions.

8. Testing. I have a habit of testing people because I have abandonment issues. I don’t believe people will stick around. So I push them. And sometimes I push them too much so the inevitable happens, but I always know that it’s my fault when it does.

9. Making people feel guilty. This is another toxic trait I have. I always take things the wrong way, based on the manor in which the message is displayed, or the level of attitude that comes with the statement. I then in turn make them feel guilty because of the way I took the thing in question and it’s a very negative thing to do. However, as soon as I’m emotionally affected by something I flip. And most of the time they never make me feel guilty about this. I am trying my hardest to stop.

10. Crying. I cry ALL THE TIME. Joy’s of having very limited emotional control. I can’t help it. When my emotions get way too much for me, I cry my heart out and sometimes it’s over the most trivial shit. Especially right now because I have pregnancy hormones floating around.

11. Turning to substances. I did this more so growing up than I do now. I used to smoke cannabis for a long while as an attempt to turn off my emotions and be too spaced out to think. However, I haven’t done it in years and I’m quite proud of that. Then I turned to alcohol. I used that as a coping mechanism whenever I didn’t have Luna… Falling pregnant put a stop to that real quick.

12. Overthinking. I don’t think I’ll ever stop doing this. I do it all the time, even more so now I’m pregnant. I can’t help it. My brains goes to places it shouldn’t and because of it, I always react to my brain rather than the actual situation itself.

13. Pushing others away. I have gotten to the point where I’m pretty sure I’ve pushed everyone I love away. I watch myself do it and I can’t stop it. I don’t mean too but I do. I believe myself to be unworthy of love so I push them away because they don’t deserve having to deal with the emotional rollercoaster that is my life. I have people that are there for me, but right now, I’d rather face it alone.

14. Overcompensating with kindness. I haven’t done this one in a while but I used to live by the saying, kill them with kindness. I would be too nice to people in an attempt to not feel alone and isolated. Even though I’ve put myself in that situation.

15. Ignoring personal care. When my depression and thoughts get too much, I find it too hard to do anything for myself. I will make sure Luna is cared for completely but when it comes to me, I let myself fall apart. I haven’t done it recently as I have to grow a baby, but no doubt it will come back when I no longer have to require myself to eat enough to support the both of us.

16. Self harming. If I’m completely honest, I’m on the verge of cutting myself right now. Not because I want to end my life or because I want to gain attention. But because the emotions in my head and my heart are getting too much for me. It’s so much easier to focus on physical pain and process that than try and figure out why I’ve said or done the things that I’ve done.

There’s a little insight into borderline reactions when we’re feeling unloved and unwanted by the people we love and want most. Some of them are seriously toxic and it’s a constant struggle trying not to be this way but sometimes emotion takes over and it’s like I’m standing back observing rather than being the one in control. It’s like my emotions take on a mind of themselves which means I only see that one emotion at the time and lose all sense of rational thinking.

To the people I have hurt because of any of these, I am honestly and truly sorry. I don’t mean to react the way I do, and I am trying to work on myself but it is hard. Every day is a constant battle and I am truly sorry that you got caught in the crosshairs. To the family, friends and guy that I love, please know that I really do honestly love you and sometimes I get so scared that I react to the fear and anger, most of the time I don’t mean it and I have trouble expressing what I do mean. It’s not an excuse but it is the current situation.

Thank you for taking the time out to read my latest blog post. Make sure you check out the article that inspired this blog post by clicking the link at the top. If you ever want to reach out, you can find me on Instagram, Twitter or my Facebook page. I hope that you all have a great day or evening depending where you are in the world and that you find at least one reason to smile today.

What I want from this year…

I want to start off by wishing every single one of my followers, family, friends, loved ones, an extremely happy new year! I hope this year is a bright one ahead for every single person because the world needs more positivity in a world filled with so much dread! I hope that all the negatives get left behind in 2021 and you’re focusing all your energy into a happier 2022! Today, the blog post is going to be focusing on what I want from this new year. I decided I’m not going to do any blogging goals as I don’t know if I will be able to stick to them and I’m sick of feeling like a failure so instead I am going to just focus on the brighter things of the year.

Firstly, my biggest change of this year will be the birth of my baby boy who is technically due in March, but chances are, he will be here earlier than that. Hopefully not too early but sooner rather than later. I can’t wait to meet him, to hold him, to kiss him and to see my beautiful baby girl become a big sister. The way she’s acting already, I know she is going to adore him and want to help every chance she gets. I seriously hope their bond is one of the greatest in the world because there is nothing like a sibling. My little family will be growing, and I will try to keep you all updated as much as I can.

I hope that I create more memories with my best friends and family members. I mean one of my girls has even offered to be a surrogate father for my son and she already loves him as much as I do. And as a mother of two boys herself, I know that she is going to be an incredible influence in my son’s life, the same way she is for my daughter. I want to see my girls at least once this year. I haven’t seen two of them because of Covid, but I am hoping that will change because I’ve missed their faces. I hope that I can take both of my children to create memories of a family of three and spend as much of my time with them that I can.

I want to be happy and healthy. I don’t just mean physically happy and healthy but mentally as well. I want to continue to grow as a mother and as a person. I want to believe in life and love again. I want to find myself away from the memories and let go of all the hurt and pain from last year. I want to forgive and forget the people who have hurt me and love the people that have stayed even when I have given them countless reasons to go. I want to remember what it’s like to smile and truly smile not fake a smile for the world to see. I want to finally be happy with my weight and not spend so much time worrying about it. Although that isn’t going to really happen until after I’ve given birth.

I want to get a better handle on my finances, clear some of my debt and find a job that won’t be detrimental to my mental health. I want to work towards a bigger, brighter, and better future for both of my children. I want to be someone they are proud of and know that everything I have done is to make their life the best it can be. I also want to sort out finishing my novel. It has taken a massive back seat over the past few years, and I finally feel like I am in a better place where I want to spend more time writing. Mainly when the delightful children are sleeping.

I want to spend more time telling the ones that mean something to me, just how much I love and value them. I never want them to spend a day wondering if they matter to someone, I never want them to have to feel alone or like they can’t come and talk to me about anything that is on their mind. I want them to realise just how important they are to me and that I don’t know where I would be without them.

What are some of the things you want to achieve in this year? Are you focusing on growth or just living each day as it comes? Both are perfectly acceptable and don’t allow anyone to tell you otherwise. Let me know by getting in touch via Facebook, Twitter, or Instagram. I hope that you are all starting this year off with smiles and surrounded by the people you love most in the world.

2021…

I originally started writing a post looking back on my year and wondering how the fudge I made it through the year. It was one hell of a year and I honestly struggled multiple times this year. It was hard and frustrating, I spent many days and nights crying my eyes out over things I couldn’t change and wasted time on things that really didn’t deserve my time or attention.

This year has been a massive learning curve and it’s one I am thankful for. I am thankful for so many things like the lessons I’ve learned, the people I’ve met and been in contact with, people I’ve reconnected with and even to the people I have lost. Sometimes its more about the lessons that we learn that help us on our journey to becoming the people we are meant to be and we may not always understand those lessons, but everything happens for a reason.

I had many ups last year but I don’t want to focus on the negatives of this year because it has been tough. However the year is almost over and my goodness I am looking forward to this change! There are things about this past year I could change, but those things are just lessons that will help me become a better and stronger person.

So I figured I would focus on the positives of this year. The positives that have kept me going when I thought I was honestly at the end. I have struggled but I can honestly say I have the greatest friends that have pulled me out of way too many dark times this year.

To the girls that live in my block, they know who they are, you both have been amazing! You and your little families have given me more laughs and smiles than I ever thought possible. My son actually goes more active around your voices and I know for a fact that both of you will continue to support me and my little family during the next year. I am so thankful for not only how close you are in location but how close we have grown over this last year.

To my weekly costa buddy, thank you! Thank you for being there every week regardless of how much I shut you out. Thank you for giving me rationalisation and encouragement whenever I have needed it. Thank you for our weekly chats about the most random pieces of facts and for our post Witcher season two rant.

Thank you to my three best friends for supporting me through another year. I know we haven’t spoke much and I probably hear from all of you once a month, but I know that you would all be there at the drop of a hat like you’ve proven time and time again. You girls are the best girls I could have ever asked for and here’s to another year of memories together.

Thank you to those that taught me well needed lessons. Thank you for showing me that I am stronger than I ever thought possible. Thank you for hurting me and letting me see the reasons I needed too. Thank you for helping me see areas in my life that needed addressing and thank you for giving me the courage to push through even when I thought I was okay. Thank you to those that reached out this year, your words haven’t gone unnoticed. And thank you to every single person that left my life, it may not have been how I wanted, but I know our lives will be better for it.

Thank you to my beautiful children. Thank you to Luna who has sat with me and wiped my tears, thank you for the best cuddles and the most precious moments in my life. Thank you for encouraging me to become a better mother and a better person. Thank you for never giving up on me. And to my son who has yet to be born, thank you! Thank you for coming into my life and choosing me to be your mother. Thank you for being so active that I never feel alone. Thank you for reminding me not to close my heart off even when I’m hurting. Thank you for growing and surviving this long. I love you both more than you will ever know and I promise I will continue to make you both proud.

Lastly, I want to thank you, my readers. Thank you for sticking with me even though I have barely posted this year. Thank you for continuing to support me and for giving me a platform to post my thoughts and feelings. I am hoping to be back to my blogging self next year but having a new born will be a challenge especially with my adorable four year old. So hopefully, you will all continue to support me over 2022. As always you can find me on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram. I am always just a message away, regardless of who you are. I never want anyone to feel alone in this world. And where ever you are, I hope you all continue to smile next year because the world needs your smiles especially during all the current negativity.