I’m just not ready…

Today I didn’t cry. I wanted to. There were points where I wanted to just break and crumble. There were points where I wanted to turn my pain to my wrist like I had done so many times before. But I didn’t. I mean I know I deserve to feel some pain because of everything I’ve done. Because of the amount of nights I made them believe I didn’t love or miss them. The amount of nights I made them sit by the phone hoping I’d message. The amount of nights I had them questioning their self worth. That was selfish of me and because of it, I deserve to feel this pain. But it’s not physical.

This pain is mental. This pain is emotional. This pain is real. And this pain is my karma. No amount of apology’s will ever change the pain that I put them through. No amount of changed actions will ever make up for what I’ve already done. And no amount of I love you’s will ever bring them back. But that doesn’t stop how I feel. It doesn’t change what I want. It doesn’t suddenly turn off everything because it’s never going to happen. My head already knows that we’re over for good. My heart just hasn’t caught up.

It hasn’t caught up because I never wanted this to be the outcome. You believe in your heart that I used you and that I kept my distance because I wanted a single life. If I wanted that life, I’d have chosen to go out on the dates when they were offered, I’d have taken up the chances to not be alone but I didn’t. Because they wasn’t you. You believe that I chose a life without you over a family and that couldn’t be further from the truth. I know it’s how you feel but that doesn’t make it the truth. It doesn’t make it real. It’s just easier to believe than the truth.

I spent months working on myself, not to be better with someone else but to be better for you. For our future. For our family. For our hopes and dreams. For our children, both the ones we should have had, the one that’s made it this far, and the ones that we had separately. I spent months working on the problems I caused and the way I treated you. Only it was my own stubbornness of shutting you out that made you believe you wasn’t and were never important to me.

I know nothing can change our past. Nothing will ever bring you back. And nothing will make things right between us, and I’m fully aware of that. I already believed I pushed you too far, and I punished myself more than you ever could. I cried myself to sleep every night for weeks because of it. But it didn’t make me message you. I wanted too. I wanted to unblock you and tell you I never meant a word I said. I wanted to tell you that I loved you more than I had ever loved anyone but I didn’t believe it would have made a difference. So I never gave in. It’s not that I gave up on us, I gave up on myself.

I told you to move on in a fit of rage and fear. And you have. And knowing you’re truly happy, loved and in love, is probably the only light there is right now, because that’s all I will ever want for you. But know that I’m not there yet. I still have a lot of healing to do for someone who “never really loved you”… your words not mine. I still have many things I need to face in my heart before I can ever consider even talking to another guy in that capacity. And it’s going to take time. But I’ve got all the time in the world because I’m not in a rush. I want to know I’m completely over you before I even consider getting to that stage. I want to know that I never get to the point with anyone that I got with you. Nobody deserves that. And despite the fact that I’ve changed and I’ve grown, I’m still hurting.

The last time we spoke you told me to move on. And I will. One day I will. But I’m not there yet. And I’m sorry for that. I’m sorry that I hurt you and made you doubt me at all. I’m sorry that you suffered because I wasn’t right in the head. I’m sorry that I made you give up on me. I’m sorry that you fell out of love with me. I’m sorry that I wasn’t the person you deserved from the get go and I’m sorry that it took time to myself to get to the person I needed to be. It’s not that I ever wanted to let you go, I didn’t. I never wanted to imagine a life without you, I never wanted to let you go and I never wanted to be the person you deserved without you. But I have to now. And I’m accepting it. Because it’s what you want.

Right now, I’m still in love with you. I still miss you. And I still think about you. And I know that you don’t feel the same, and if it was that easy to turn this off, then it wouldn’t have been real love. But it’s not. I can’t just flick a switch. I can’t just shut down. And I won’t go back to flirting with others just to make myself feel better temporarily. I’m not going backwards anymore.

I fight every day with my heart not to miss you. I fight every day with my heart to want you. And I fight with my mind to stop thinking about you. But I’m not there yet. It’s going to take time. It’s going to take a lot of telling myself to stop being stupid before I get there. But I will do it for you. Because it’s what you want.

One day I will get there. I’m just not there yet. I’m sorry.

I have no right…

I have no right to want or deserve a place in your life. I pushed you. I hurt you. I broke you. I lied to you. I told you things out of spite and anger. I love you but I never showed it. I wanted you but you doubted it. I can recognise every tiny thing I did wrong and by the time I figured it out. By the time I managed to do the self healing I spent ages doing, I realised my biggest regret was losing you. It was not telling you what was happening inside my head. It was pushing you away because fear told me you’d never stay.

I lost all rights to love you when I couldn’t have you because I couldn’t show you how much I appreciated you when I had you. I lost all rights to want you when I pushed you into the arms of another. I lost every right to be angry when I made you feel anger so many times before.

And I am sorry. I am sorry that you couldn’t read my mind in the times that I needed to stop being scared and let you in. I’m sorry that I wasn’t enough to overcome it at the time we was together. I’m sorry that it took me so long to finally fix myself and by that time it was too late. I’m sorry for every tear I made you cry. I’m sorry for every night you went to sleep thinking you wasn’t enough for me. I’m sorry for every time you felt alone and unappreciated. I’m sorry for every time you had to suffer because of me.

I’m trying to do what you want. But it’s hard. Because my heart is broken and I don’t know how to put it together. Your memory is everywhere and I don’t know how to shut it down. My regret I deserve. I know that. My pain is mine to own because I never stopped causing yours. This suffering I deserve because I focused on my own self healing rather than our growth. I focused on sorting my head out to overcome my fears than our family life. And I will always be sorry for being too late.

I’m trying so hard not to write about you. I’m trying so hard not to remember you. I’m trying so hard not to text you. But it only works so much. Then I just tell myself that you’ve moved and you’re happy. And that’s all I want for you. For you to have true happiness. For you to experience the love I had for you but didn’t show, from someone who wouldn’t wait too long to show you. I know she will never lose you because of stupid things that I let destroy us. And I’m happy for you. For you to go to sleep at night knowing you are loved and you are wanted. I may not have shown it the way I should have, but you meant everything to me, so I hope that she knows just how lucky she is.

You once called us soul mates. You told me I was the love of your life and I read that message so many times after my outburst. Because I never told you that I felt the same. You apologised so much for the last message before you said that, and I told you I’d always remember the words you said and the pain it caused because it was said out of anger. But I forgave you. I had too. Because I knew that I felt the same. I was just too stubborn to tell you. I was too foolish to show you. Now you’ll never know.

I genuinely hope she’s the one for you. That she gets to see your smile every day and know that she’s the reason you are so bright. But I hope she tells you. I hope she holds you every night and knows that she is blessed. Because being in your arms is the only comfort I had in us. I am happy for you and I wish you all the best. I know you won’t read this, which is why I know I can write it. Because I’m not writing for you. I’m writing to heal.

One day maybe I’ll move on. And maybe I’ll realise that you aren’t the love of my life. Or I’ll end up realising you was and I lost it. Either way I’m going to get there. I’m going to be stronger than this. My heart won’t break every time I hear a song, see a show, watch a film or hear a joke that reminds me of you. My heart won’t crumble when I see someone dancing like you used to around my living room. One day, I will get there. Because I no longer have a choice.

I’m honestly sorry that I’m not there yet.