Why I started blogging…

Happy 2024 everyone! I know it’s Sunday and we’ve already been in this year for 7 days but considering it’s my first post of the year, I thought I’d start it off on the right note! I hope that this year is the best one yet for everyone reading and for their families. I know things are hard right now, but one thing I have learnt in life, is that we must always try to find the silver lining in everything we do, even if it’s difficult.

Today’s post, as you can tell is a reflection post on why I started blogging and how far I’ve come. I wrote my first blog piece way back on the 6th of April 2017. Has it really been that long? Since I started my blog, it has had 11.7 thousand views in 116 different countries by 7468 visitors. That has been over 146 posts with my best amount of 120 views in one day. I’d say that’s pretty impressive for what I believe is a small blog. Never did I imagine that my words would be read all over the world.

I wanted to have a place where I could express all parts of me, including the dark ones without fear. Writing is and has always been a very personal thing, but it is my biggest escape. I wanted to write about the things happening in my life, in an attempt to try and figure out how I was feeling and why, for the most part, it really did help. It wasn’t until August that I actually wrote a long post specifically for my blog and I’ve been blogging ever since. I’ve taken breaks from writing, but I always come back.

Between April and August, I found out I was pregnant with my eldest child Luna and my Addison’s disease was still a massive problem even with the pregnancy. I remember writing about how I never wanted to be controlled when it came to this blog and essentially that’s what I did. I allowed others to say what I can and can’t post to the point I just couldn’t write anymore.

My early posts are generally about my life, my mental health and about being a first time mum. All three things were major parts of my daily life and attempting to cope with my mental health when I first started writing. My therapist said that writing would be a great way to a release the emotions that I couldn’t express through talking. My biggest problem is I always bottle everything up and opening up is my biggest downfall. Hence, why I decided to call my blog open up with me, in the hopes that I might actually start to open up to all the people in my life.

Almost 7 years later and what have I really achieved? My blog has been read in so many different countries around the world, I have had many people reach out about my posts and how I’ve managed to capture the words that they felt but couldn’t express. Those comments mean a lot because I feel like even in the middle of the chaos, I have managed to help even one person, then I know that my writing has meaning.

I love writing so much and I find it so much easier to express myself when I write what I want to say compared to saying it. I think that stems from never thinking before I talk and saying whatever is on my mind which is not always a good thing. My mind is ruled by emotions and considering I have the emotional stability of a whirlwind rollercoaster, it’s never going to be a true reflection.

I think if I look back at the person who started the blog, I still have a massive trouble opening up to people. I worry too much about how people are going to react, how they are going to perceive what I’m saying, if they’re going to think that I’m just over reacting. I worry that my mind is playing tricks on me and that the way I’m feeling is a response to overthinking and my emotions aren’t in line with what is actually going on. However, when it comes to writing, I get to express myself in a way that I can’t do physically to someone’s face. I manage to find the right words to express because I can just let my fingers do the talking and I don’t have to worry anymore.

Facing people, and telling them how I’m feeling, expressing why I’m feeling this way and watching their emotions display all over their face, even though they think they are great at hiding it, destroys me a little. I feel emotions on a level that I don’t know how or why. Maybe it’s because my emotional range is so huge and I feel things so deeply but whatever it is, has the ability to destroy me. However because of it, writing means not having to face them, not having to feel more than I already do and because processing my own feelings is easier hidden behind a screen where no one can be affected.

Writing has helped me in ways I can’t explain. It has helped me identify my triggers, it helped me learn to not lose my cool when I’m overreacting, it helped me realise that I generally have a reason why I’m feeling the way I do, and that even though there are people who don’t understand, it’s okay. I have learnt that to the right people, my emotions, my feelings and my thinking is okay because they want to be there and they want to try and understand it. However, for that to happen, I have to understand it myself and that’s why I write.

For so many people struggling, writing is a relief. They may not post it like I do, but they find that putting it out into the world even if it’s in the solidarity of their own world, it’s a weight lifted. Writing has saved me and it’s been a burden. There are times where I need to write and times where I want to write but there are also times I can’t write and all of them are okay because my blog will always be here for my escape. So if you’re struggling, try writing. I started by writing words linked to emotions, and then I started to form how I felt into sentences. And here I am, four years later, writing blog pieces and hoping that someone can find some help and support in my words.

Thank to you everyone that has taken the time to read my first blog post of the year. Over the next week, there will probably be two posts coming out this week. One is really personal to me and there may be another providing I can figure out just what I want to write for my weekly post… I have over 40 drafts, so maybe I will finally finish one of them. Hopefully I see you again next week. I hope that where ever you are in the world, that you are still smiling because the world is a better place with your smile in it.

What I want from this year…

I want to start off by wishing every single one of my followers, family, friends, loved ones, an extremely happy new year! I hope this year is a bright one ahead for every single person because the world needs more positivity in a world filled with so much dread! I hope that all the negatives get left behind in 2021 and you’re focusing all your energy into a happier 2022! Today, the blog post is going to be focusing on what I want from this new year. I decided I’m not going to do any blogging goals as I don’t know if I will be able to stick to them and I’m sick of feeling like a failure so instead I am going to just focus on the brighter things of the year.

Firstly, my biggest change of this year will be the birth of my baby boy who is technically due in March, but chances are, he will be here earlier than that. Hopefully not too early but sooner rather than later. I can’t wait to meet him, to hold him, to kiss him and to see my beautiful baby girl become a big sister. The way she’s acting already, I know she is going to adore him and want to help every chance she gets. I seriously hope their bond is one of the greatest in the world because there is nothing like a sibling. My little family will be growing, and I will try to keep you all updated as much as I can.

I hope that I create more memories with my best friends and family members. I mean one of my girls has even offered to be a surrogate father for my son and she already loves him as much as I do. And as a mother of two boys herself, I know that she is going to be an incredible influence in my son’s life, the same way she is for my daughter. I want to see my girls at least once this year. I haven’t seen two of them because of Covid, but I am hoping that will change because I’ve missed their faces. I hope that I can take both of my children to create memories of a family of three and spend as much of my time with them that I can.

I want to be happy and healthy. I don’t just mean physically happy and healthy but mentally as well. I want to continue to grow as a mother and as a person. I want to believe in life and love again. I want to find myself away from the memories and let go of all the hurt and pain from last year. I want to forgive and forget the people who have hurt me and love the people that have stayed even when I have given them countless reasons to go. I want to remember what it’s like to smile and truly smile not fake a smile for the world to see. I want to finally be happy with my weight and not spend so much time worrying about it. Although that isn’t going to really happen until after I’ve given birth.

I want to get a better handle on my finances, clear some of my debt and find a job that won’t be detrimental to my mental health. I want to work towards a bigger, brighter, and better future for both of my children. I want to be someone they are proud of and know that everything I have done is to make their life the best it can be. I also want to sort out finishing my novel. It has taken a massive back seat over the past few years, and I finally feel like I am in a better place where I want to spend more time writing. Mainly when the delightful children are sleeping.

I want to spend more time telling the ones that mean something to me, just how much I love and value them. I never want them to spend a day wondering if they matter to someone, I never want them to have to feel alone or like they can’t come and talk to me about anything that is on their mind. I want them to realise just how important they are to me and that I don’t know where I would be without them.

What are some of the things you want to achieve in this year? Are you focusing on growth or just living each day as it comes? Both are perfectly acceptable and don’t allow anyone to tell you otherwise. Let me know by getting in touch via Facebook, Twitter, or Instagram. I hope that you are all starting this year off with smiles and surrounded by the people you love most in the world.

I want to bring back snail mail…

Writing the post about my one of my favourite teachers of all time, made me realise that I really want to get back into snail mail. I want to find a pen pal and write handwritten letters to them instead of using things like Email and Social Media. However, when it come to writing this post, I realised I don’t write letters to anyone, and I don’t have a pen-pal. I mean, I have people I talk to all over the world but its not the same if I’m sitting behind a phone or computer communicating to them.

I love the feeling of going to my post-box and finding letters in there, however, most of them seem to be bills or junk mail and that gets a little disheartening after a while. I want to go there and see handwritten letters because to me that says more. It shows that they have taken the time to not only put their words on to paper and mail them, but that their creative side has come out. I like the feeling of knowing that people haven’t forgotten handwritten letters in an age of so much technology.

So, I’m going to start a mission! I’m going to find pen pals over the world and write to them. I’ve invested in some pretty paper and sparkly pens to make it seem special, maybe I’ll get some stickers as well. But I want to find some correspondence with people that comes away from technology and sparks a fire back in the belly of being excited when you get mail.

What do you think? Where would I go to find a pen pal so to speak? Would you like to help? I want to hear your ideas. I know this is a shorter post compared to what I usually write but its about putting my ideas into action and sharing my experiences with you guys. I want to know if you have any pen pals, how did you meet them? I’d like to know any tips or pointers. If you could get in touch via Instagram, Facebook, Twitter or emailing me at RariAyliffe@openupwithme.com. Wherever you are in the world, keep smiling.

What family means to me…

Family is more than the bonds you share with those that have similar DNA, its also about your extended family. The ones you may not be directly related too or even related to at all, but the connection that you share.

My family is difficult. My mum and I haven’t always gotten on and we have clashed more times than I care to remember and my dad wasn’t around as much as I would have liked, but they are still my parents and I love them more than words could ever express. I have siblings that have hated me more times than I want to think about. Easy to say I clash with just about every one of them which is probably more my fault than anyone else’s but that’s why I made a promise that I would never have a home environment like the one I was brought up in. A big part of my extended family has made little to no effort with me or my siblings, but this isn’t a bashing about why they weren’t a part of my life because I had amazing friends that made up for it.

On the days when I felt like my life wasn’t a priority for my parents (I have disabled brothers who were the priority and rightly so), I turned to some of the best friends I could have possibly asked for. My best friends are as much family as my sisters and brothers, only they stick around through choice. They have helped raise me into the person I am today. I mean, if you were to speak to my best friend throughout school, she would say that we raised each other and sometimes we didn’t always have the right intentions, but we still made it.

Family isn’t about blood, its about the ones that stick by your side on your darkest days. They are the ones that may not be in touch all the time but that you can count on if you really need them. My family are the ones that I don’t think id be here without. My best friends have sat up with me after heartaches, have held my hair back whilst I puked my guts up and made me food to make sure that I’ve eaten.

I never wanted Luna to have to worry about family that weren’t around. The ones that send gifts to make up for their lack of trying and putting an effort in. The ones that have never so much as heard her voice let alone seen her smile. I always said I would protect her from those that didn’t have her as a priority, but I can’t. However, the family that aren’t related are the ones trying and coming around to spend time with her on a regular basis. The ones that facetime her once a week just so she knows that they are not as far away as she thinks. I mean she sees my mother and siblings practically every day since that’s where her father lives, but they are building a connection with her. They are the ones trying and putting the effort in.

Family isn’t about the ones that buy you gifts to make up for their lack of love. They aren’t the ones that buy your affection. They are the ones that would travel to the ends of the earth to help you out. And I’m super lucky, because mine goes beyond just my siblings. I have cousins who would move heaven and earth to make sure that I’m okay. I have aunts and uncles who know some of my darkest secrets but aren’t always around. They don’t have to send expensive gifts because they are just around the corner and I can see them whenever I need too. But I have the greatest friends I could ask for! Because they are my family and I wouldn’t know who I was or where I was going without their love and support. You guys are awesome! Thank you for not giving up on me. For fighting with me but loving me regardless!

What about you? What does family mean to you? Is it people you share DNA with regardless of their presence in your life? Are you like me and count your friends as your family? Let me know. Reach me on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, or Email me! I hope you and your families are loved and connected throughout your lives and remember, keep smiling.

Where I want to be…

Last year, I went through some pretty hard moments. I was living somewhere that was affecting my mental health daily, it was overcrowded and full of animosity. This year, I have my own flat with my little princess and I’m working hard to make sure it’s a loving home for her.

Since we moved into the flat, I’ve seen her come on leaps and bounds. She exceeds all my expectations and proves just how smart she really is. I mean, it’s not like I really have much to compare it too but still. Before we moved here, she didn’t really have to do much, she was a few months away from being two and we were still doing pretty much everything for her. Now, she knows where the bin is, she puts her toys away and helps me tidy up, she’s learning to count but her favourite activity is finding her figures when I’ve asked her for a specific one. She will wake up in the morning and play in her room until half 7 when we go in the living room and watch Sing before she has her breakfast. The best thing we ever did was move out of the house.

I have come a long way too. Okay, so I still have a problem with self-harm when my emotions get too much, but I am learning to talk about them more. I feel more confident in myself most days and don’t always feel down in the dumps. I have come a long way from the person I was last year, but I am still so far from where I want to be. I want to be kicking my mental health’s ass, I want to be eating like a normal person and not worried so much about my weight gain. This year, I want to live for the moment and stay away from the past. It has controlled so much of my life already; I want to move on from it. This year, I want to stop the self-harm that controls me. I want to be able to look my daughter in the face and feel like the strong woman she needs.

I come from a broken home, and I didn’t want that for my daughter. I wanted her to not have to worry about having two homes, having to split her time between two parents, with two parents fighting for her love. I wanted her to be able to have her parents together but that didn’t happen. But I also didn’t want a Christmas baby yet that’s exactly how my life panned out. And I wouldn’t change it for the life of me. I however will make sure that she has two parents that love her and continue to put her first. Yes, she has two homes, but it doesn’t have to be a bad thing, if she is as loved at one as she is the other. That’s the main thing.

The girl that started last year no longer exists. She was unhappy with nearly every aspect of her life. She had friends but that didn’t help overcome the mental exhaustion she was facing daily. I had people in my life that had slagged my daughter off behind my back but was nice as pie to my face. I had people pretending to care, and those people were some of my close friends. Last year consisted of way too many lies that I believed but also some very high moments.

I finally got on stage and tried stand-up, which I want to do again this year. I managed to work up the courage to leave an unhappy relationship and build a new life for myself. I got closer to some awesome people and those affected my life in ways that I could never repay. I have so much more to be thankful for, but this year is going to be different. I’m not going to settle for less than I deserve. I’m going to find happiness within myself and the life I already live. I’m going to embrace more possibilities and not live my life in fear. I want to live for the moment and build myself up to the girl I used too be. She lives in me somewhere; I just want to find her again.

I thought by now I’d be in my forever job, instead I’m signed off because I’m mentally and physically exhausted. I feel like I have no future, but the truth is, I do. I am trying my hardest to be the mum my little lady deserves and if I always continue to put her first then I’m doing the right thing. She is and will always be my forever job. Who knows, maybe in the future, someone will come and join our little family but for now it’s just me and my little princess and that’s enough for me.

What about you? Where do you see yourself going over this year? How far have you come? Are you on track to where you want to be in your life? Nobody said you had to have your life in order, but sometimes reflection is a good thing. It makes you evaluate your life and change your course of action if need be. I hope that you are all happy and content with the path that your life is taking, if not, just simply change direction. Thank you for taking the time to read my latest post and remember you can always get in touch via Facebook, Twitter, Instagram or email. Have a good day and keep smiling.

50 facts you may or may not know…

Many of you have been following my blog for some time now, however I am starting to notice an increase in not only the different people that are interacting with my blog but also an increase in places around the world that I haven’t quite seen regularly. So, I thought about writing a post telling you 50 facts you may or may not know about me.

1. I have a love/hate relationship with my biological name. I was bullied a lot because I have the name of a car, but its different and I am yet to meet another one.
2. I was named after a Ferrari Testarossa because my dad figured it would be as close as he’d come to having one.
3. I could have been called Stephanie or Witchie… I know what you’re thinking… WHAT THE FUCK!
4. I was due on Halloween; probably explains why I’m so fucked up! Thankfully I decided to grace the world with my presence three weeks before avoiding this date!
5. I cannot stand gold jewellery. I think it looks tacky and cheap. That is just my opinion. I have yet to see a gold bracelet and think “that looks expensive”.
6. My daughter was named after my favourite character from Harry Potter; Luna Lovegood, as well as sharing her middle name with both me and my aunt.
7. My favourite number is 7!
8. Jacqueline Wilson was the reason I wanted to be a writer. I love all her books from Double Act, to Girls in Love, to Tracy Beaker.
9. I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder within the last 14 months.
10. I may be right-handed when it comes to writing, but I do a fair number of things with my left.
11. Although I do like tea, I’m not a massive tea drinker. Given half a choice, I’d take a hot chocolate hands down.
12. My favourite character of all time is Tinkerbell and she’s the one I probably relate to the most, with Peter Pan being one of my all-time favourite books.
13. I have a nine-year-old cat called Magnificent who is a miniature tabby and I miss her terribly. She lives at my mums.
14. I am a sucker for the Sims collection! I love creating families and stories and absolutely love how you can create generations with families that just don’t die out. Of course, the creative side of building is also a big plus.
15. The first concert I ever went to was Professor Green in Brixton, however my favourite was seeing Eminem at Wembley and being in the inner circle!
16. I was selected and attended a film school in London but had to give it up due to seizures.
17. I can play the clarinet, piano, cornet, horn, trumpet and read music because of my time in church.
18. I was also a girl guide and brownie in my youth.
19. Me and my best friend have nicknames for each other that use the same letters. She’s my Lemon and I’m her Melon. Which was a total accident.
20. Me and my little sister Beaudicea are the only two in our family to have unusual names. Everyone else’s are relatively normal.
21. All my best friends have disliked me at one stage or another.
22. I am very opinionated, stubborn and argumentative.
23. I used to want to be a gymnast but was told I was too big.
24. I left school with three different qualifications in maths… and I thought maths was universal apparently its more diverse than that.
25. I was diagnosed with Addison’s Disease and told I would have it for life, only to be told I didn’t have it after 6 years of steroids.
26. My favourite accent is the Australian one and I couldn’t tell you why.
27. I will drink Coca-Cola but not Pepsi or Dr. Pepper.
28. My favourite alcoholic drink is Unicorn Gin and Bubble-gum Fizzy Drink. If you haven’t tried it already, I would strongly recommend it!
29. I am apparently high maintenance… I’m named after an expensive car… of course I am.
30. When I’m in a bad mood or feeling like my emotions are getting the better of me, I stick my headphones in and switch the world out.
31. I have a habit of keeping a wall up to protect myself from others.
32. I am obsessed with the colour pink!
33. I have suffered with alopecia since I was 16.
34. I find it easier to get along with guys because I have more in common with them.
35. I love wrestling and cricket.
36. I love to cook and often will try and cook new things.
37. I tried lobster for the first-time last year and it was delicious.
38. I cannot stand people touching my feet. It makes me cringe!
39. I find noisy chewers really irritating!
40. I’m a lousy girl… I hate shopping, don’t follow fashion and only pamper myself if I think I really have too.  
41. My favourite period of our history is the Tudor Period. I find it highly interesting.
42. I am absolutely petrified of clowns, china dolls, masks… basically anything with a face that isn’t human.
43. I broke my left wrist by falling off a rope swing when I was 11.
44. My first job was at Dominos and it put me off pizza for so long. I only started eating it again when I went to university.
45. I still remember all the songs from Barney because I was obsessed as a child. Honestly, if I play Barney to Luna, I always end up singing along.
46. I am emotionally unstable.
47. I am way too forgiving. I have forgiven people for hurting me, even at times when I know I shouldn’t. I’m just not forgiving when it comes to my daughter.
48. I got to see Tom Daley dive at the FINA World Diving Series at the London 2012 Aquatic Centre before the Olympics, and it was brilliant.
49. I own way too many board games!
50. I am 26 and I still feel like I have no idea who I am.

Well there we go. 50 facts about me and oh my goodness, was that difficult to write. I am sorry if they aren’t as interesting as you thought they would be. What else would you like to know? Let me know by getting in touch via Facebook, Twitter, Instagram or by emailing me… Maybe I can do another one in the future. I hope wherever you are in the world, you are having a good day/night and enjoying yourself and as always, keep smiling.