You are enough…

If you’ve been following my blog for a while or even if you know me on a personal level, you will know that I suffer with my mental health massively. At 24, I found out the reason that I was and never have been able to control my emotions is due to BPD, and things started to make sense. The past trauma and emotional neglect was enough to rewire my brain and now I have to learn to deal with my emotions whilst trying to teach both my babies emotional control. Talk about mission impossible.

The irony that the person who has a problem regulating emotions, is the one left to teach them how to deal with their emotions. The irony that someone who literally feels everything on a much grander scale, is the one who has to teach how to overcome the sad times and smile in the bright moments. That I have to teach them that emotions are fine, just don’t live in them. Don’t let your emotions control your life and make your choices for you.

I hate this disorder most of the time. I love it during my happy moments. Those moments feel like I’m floating and nothing can touch it. The problem comes when one tiny thing can make my whole day come crashing down. The problem comes when that tiny little thing is something that seems like a minor inconvenience, but to me, its just the end of the world.

If you know me personally, you know that I am the type of girl who always has a smile on her face. You wouldn’t believe that I’ve been battling an eating disorder since I was 13. You wouldn’t be able to see that I’ve got years of trauma and abuse that I hide. You wouldn’t know that still to this day I have nightmares about an ex who managed to get to me without being seen by a house filled with people. The same person who seems to be finding ways to scare me now, to the point I sleep with a knife next to my bed because if he ever gets to me again, I will be ready.

You wouldn’t know that I have been battling self harm since I was 16. That the first time I ever cut myself, my mum made me feel so guilty about it that I went back out and cut them even further for putting that burden on her. I don’t and have never cut myself to end my life. If I wanted to end it, I’d walk to the train station again but I haven’t. I cut myself because I can’t deal with the mental pain in my head, I’d rather focus on a physical pain.

You wouldn’t believe behind the girl who smiles, laughs and doesn’t have a care in the world is someone who analyses everything. I notice the mood changes, the changes in tone, the subtle changes that everyone misses. I’m the one who could have you believing that I’m filled with confidence, when I’m petrified.

Right now, I’m in a hole and I’m scared. I know I’ll be okay and I know I’ll fake that I’m okay so too many people don’t worry but I’m not. I can’t believe my friends because right now I don’t feel like the person they see. I am the girl who has the biggest heart and has forgiven people I should have buried. That big heart comes with the biggest burden. When I feel something, I feel it with every fibre of my being. My emotions consume me and I lose all control. I can’t do things half hearted. I put my heart into everything and that scares me. Because if I’m honest, at this moment, I feel weak and pathetic.

I don’t feel like myself, I don’t feel like I’m worthy of anything because why would I be? Everyone says that it isn’t my fault and I had done nothing wrong but all the feelings and thoughts I buried are telling me different. I’m messed up. I’m too much. I don’t feel like I’m enough. And that freaking sucks because I know deep down that these thoughts will pass but they are consuming every choice I make. I’m not going to say I don’t want to be here anymore because that isn’t true. But I do want the pain to stop. I want the thoughts to be silenced. I want the memories to fade.

It’s not even just about a broken heart anymore. I don’t care about him or what he’s doing with her. They are welcome to a lifetime of happiness together if they so wish. And I honestly hope that he finds it soon, because despite where this year is taking us, his happiness still means something to me. See, my friends don’t understand how I can feel so broken but wish nothing but the best for the person who hurt me. The truth is, he is just the latest to hurt me. I’ve been hurt by my family. I’ve been hurt by the people I trusted most in this world and they still abandoned me.

It’s that people always leave. And I’m the type of person who leaves the door open because once I care, I don’t stop. I may not want to associate with you but I still care. It’s that people lie instead of being honest. It’s that so many people have hidden agendas and can’t just give the other person the respect they’re owed. It’s that I always find the best in people and I ignore things I shouldn’t.

I may not feel like enough right now. I may feel low and I may cry because everything is getting to me. But I will beat this. I will build a ladder and get out of this hole. It may take a while but I will do it. I’m just sorry that right now I am not the person I should be. I am sorry that my smile is fake and my laugh is forced. I am sorry that I’m the brightest light I can be. I am sorry that my friends have to see this side of me. I am sorry that you love me enough to not want to see me hurting. But I am so thankful to have the people in my life that I do. I am so thankful for my children who stop me from making a permanent decision for temporary feelings. I am thankful for having a big heart because I get to feel the most love from everyone.

Lastly, thank you to each and every reader. Thank you for reading, even when it’s not the most positive of posts. Thank you for reaching out and letting me know that I’ve made an impact in your life. And I am sorry that this isn’t a more positive post. I will be okay and maybe one day I’ll tell you all the truth about my battle over the last 36 hours, but like the cuts, it’s still very raw. Thank you for coming back and hopefully I will be back to writing about the positives soon enough. I just can’t finish most of my posts. The only reason I managed this one was because it was written whilst I was still in an episode.

I’m saying this to you as I always do, but also as a reminder to myself. Until the next post, I hope wherever you are in this world, you are smiling because the world is a brighter place with you in it.

I missed a week…

Thank you to everyone that comes back week after week to read my blog posts. I truly appreciate all the support and love I get from writing. I know that last week I didn’t put anything out but some things happened that needed some time and patience to understand. I was in a bad place and just wanted to focus on myself and getting through the first few days. I am out of it and hopefully can get back to writing every week again. However, this week, you will get two posts. This one and then Monday at around midday, you will get the second one.

Writing is and always will be a massive hobby of mine that is not only my outlet, but also the hardest thing I can do sometimes. Writing is easy. It’s one of the easiest things to do but sometimes, as a writer, you get writers block. Writers block hits every writer at some point and it’s one of the most frustrating things in the world. Because, you know what you want to write, and you can start them but you can’t get your words onto the paper. You know what you want to say but every time you try and write it, you scrap it or you start over. You can’t quite bring yourself to finish it because you always hold your writing to the highest possible standing.

My writing is the easiest way to express myself and when I get blocked, I get so annoyed. I can’t stand that my words can’t be expressed because I feel trapped. And the truth is, I was trapped. I was trapped because I put my emotions into my writing. I pour my heart and soul into my writing and when I decided to put a wall up, because of how I felt, I knew I wouldn’t be able to finish anything or get anything out without getting past that wall. So I had to face those emotions.

Those emotions that I tried so hard to bury, I had to face. And let me tell you it hurts. But I managed to. Despite not wanting to write about it and then realising I had to, was freaking annoying. I started 14 drafts that I couldn’t finish until I finally managed to finish one I felt happy with. However, it’s the more personal side. It’s a part of a story I don’t want to release. It’s a chapter of my life that I didn’t want to end but I appreciate the journey.

When I first decided that I was going to start writing again, I had so much that I wanted to say. I had so much to get off my chest that I didn’t know where or how to start and then choices were made which made me face it. I wanted to pretend that things were okay but when it comes to my writing, I can’t put up a façade. I can’t pretend to be okay because this is one place I know I don’t have to hide. So my promise to you all, will be that I am going to let you see a deeper insight into my posts.

I am a perfectionist when it comes to my writing, so I can’t post things that I’m not 1000% happy with. The flow has to be correct, the message has to mean something. I can’t just put out a post for the sake of posting. I can’t face my life if I never have an outlet. However, this week I have 14 drafts that were written. A fair few of them are pretty decent and topics that I know I want to write about. I just couldn’t finish them because of the block so I knew they weren’t ready yet. One day, they will be. I want to get it down to less than 10 by the end of this year.

When I first started writing, I wrote for me. Then as more people connected with my blog, I found myself wording them into my posts. I found that I wasn’t only writing for myself anymore. I was writing for everyone that couldn’t find the right words to say what they were thinking. In a world filled with social media, people find it hard to express true emotion without fear. And the truth is, our feelings are nothing to be scared of. They each teach us everything from discovering our boundaries, letting people in, knowing who we can and can’t trust. Our words are one of the most expensive things we own, because they have the ability to make or break someone’s day. So I always want to make sure my writing is used to build people up, to help them face their fears and emotions as well as finding a release that they aren’t alone in how they are feeling.

Thank you to every single person who has viewed today’s blog post. I hope you have had a lovely two weeks, and I appreciate you taking the time to come back even though I didn’t post last week. Thank you to every person that shares the posts, gives it a like and to every single person that has subscribed to the blog itself. I honestly feel so overwhelmed that many people can find things in my blog that helps them and you make this blog worth it. If you’re reading this when it first comes out, know that there is another post coming out at about midday tomorrow. And lastly, wherever you are in the world, I hope that you are smiling because this world deserves to see your smile brighten a room.

A journey of self discovery…

When you isolate yourself from all outside influences, it gives you plenty of time to think. To think about what you want, to think about where you plan to go, to think about the person you want to be. It gives you an insight into your mind and what your heart desires. But it also increases stress. Stress because you know where you want to go, you’re just not sure how to get there.

For months I’ve been doing some serious soul searching. I’ve been looking at the things I’ve done in the past and found ways to make sure they never happen again in my future. I’ve looked at the person I was and how far I’ve come to the person I am today. And it’s quite a big change. Not to everyone but it is to me. I’ve learned better ways to deal with things, even though I don’t always do it the way I should. I’ve learned triggers that cause me to lose control and I’ve learned about the person I know I can be.

See, I needed to be alone to figure my mind out because I knew I still had these massive barriers up that protected me from truly letting anyone in. Which meant that no one could ever break them down until I let them. But I couldn’t. I didn’t know why I couldn’t until a couple of months ago. I realised what was stopping me, I realised all my fears and anger that was making sure I didn’t consider letting them down. And I made an effort to change. It’s still a work in progress but I’m not that person anymore. I refuse to be that person ever again.

I know that when I’m stressed, or angry, or hurting or scared, that I react without thinking. I say things I don’t mean because I don’t engage my brain. Which is bad because that mixed with the BPD means that during that bad moment, I don’t see anything but darkness and I react to the darkness surrounding me. Instead of just letting in that small amount of hope. But I’m getting there. I’m trying to find hope in everything I possibly can because it’s always there.

I’m a pretty decent mum now, and I’ve handled this pregnancy a lot better than I did with Luna and for that I’m so proud of myself. But I wasn’t always this way. I spent years in a dark place, and when someone came in and showed me the light, I started to turn into a decent mother. I started to find ways to cope. And that was what started my journey of self discovery. Because I know my children would always deserve better than my past. And they will get it. I’ll make sure of that.

The problem with my head, is I don’t know what’s true and what isn’t during my dark moments. I don’t trust myself and that was the times that I would turn to those around me. It just so happened that because many of them didn’t agree with my choices or decisions, they would worm their way in and I’d let them. And that’s not the person I intend to be. I know my heart. I know my brain most of the time, but I know what I want. And to listen to those people tell me how I should be living my life, isn’t what I want anymore. I don’t want to be kept at the same level to please them. I don’t want to avoid things or people because they don’t agree. And I will never allow their opinions to become my truth. My heart and brain deserve better than that.

I’ve come a long way in the last few months. I’ve overcome my brain in many ways and I’ve learned to cope a lot better. Because I have too. I know where I’m going, because I’ve embraced where I come from and made those changes to improve my life, to improve the lives for the people that rely on me like my children and for whoever I love in the future. I know who I want in my life and who I don’t. I know that I don’t need anyone and I can support myself. Because I had too. I had to learn how to do it in order to grow as a person.

I spent years feeling like I didn’t deserve happiness, didn’t deserve love, so whenever I had it, I made sure to push it away by any means. I made sure to make sure that I fucked up because I already blamed myself for not being worthy. However it was those people that suffered. That got hurt. That got broken. All because I couldn’t understand why I felt the need to self sabotage everything around me. It’s only been the last few months that I changed that. I stopped trying to sabotage myself and I started to work on myself to be someone worthy. And slowly, I’m becoming that person. I just wish it hadn’t cost me so much to begin with. I just wish I went on this journey of self discovery years ago, like when I first fell pregnant with luna. But at that point I didn’t think even know I had BPD, I just knew I was over emotional.

This pregnancy has taught me more in my journey of self discovery than I ever thought it could. It’s made me realise so many things wrong with myself that I needed to change. It made me realise what was worth fighting for. It made me realise where I wanted to be in the future. And yes, those plans will never happen anymore but that’s okay. Because plans change. But my determination to work on myself and who I want to be will always be a continuous journey. I will always strive to be better, because my children deserve that and so much more.

Thank you to everyone who has taken the time to read todays post. I hope that if you too are on a journey of self discovery that you find many things that are good with yourself and not just focus on the bad. Remember to love yourself and others around you, not only today on Valentines day, but every single day of the year. Because we all deserve it. If any of you need any help or advice about a self discovery journey, feel free to message me by reaching out on Twitter, Facebook or Instagram on my dedicated blog related profiles. I mean I’m not perfect and I’ve still got a way to go, but I can always help to get you on the right track. And lastly keep smiling. Because your smile means everything to the right person.

Things people with BPD do when they’re feeling unloved…

I was reading a post today where someone asked members of the BPD community things they do when they’re feeling unloved. It’s honestly a good read for loads of different insights into various minds of BPD. If you want to read the original post, you can check it out by clicking this link https://myhealthbodycoach.com/2021/11/28/16-things-people-with-bpd-do-that-are-code-for-i-feel-unloved/?fbclid=IwAR3gUL7vN_znaD56DQr7f7OIdB9TJg8sNWQ2jv_YcrURS9i1XzzqSNvD-Ss. I was reading it and thought how true it was and how many of them I’ve actually done and a fair few of them being quite recent.

The above post is about many different peoples experiences however, considering this is my blog, I thought I’d write about them from a personal point of view to try and help those of my family and friends understand my mental health issues a little better.

1. Ghosting. I still do this! I do this quite a lot. When my emotions are getting too much for me, when I feel like I am loosing all control, I will shut everyone out, despite knowing that they’d be there for me. I shut them out because its so much easier than trying to explain to them why I’m not okay. It’s easier than explaining to them that emotionally I’m devastated.

2. Isolating. I isolate myself when I ghost everyone. I isolate myself because that way I can’t get hurt. Nobody can hurt me if they can’t get close enough to me. They can’t make me feel any worse if I don’t allow them to be around me.

3. Shutting down. When I’m emotionally exhausted, I shut down. I tend to do this most nights after putting Luna to bed. I just lose all motivation. I mean most of the time I don’t even love myself enough to fight through it, so feeling withdrawn from those I love is nothing new to me. My mind jumps from complete happiness to overwhelming sadness so quickly because I got triggered by something and shutting down is the easiest way to deal with it.

4. Picking fights. If I start to feel like someone’s abandoning me or doesn’t love me anymore, I will end up picking a fight, because my brain sees a reaction as a form of still caring. It’s a toxic trait that I am trying my hardest to work on but sometimes it’s something so small that triggers a whole amount of rage and I just flip. I then end up saying things I regret without thinking about the consequences of those words.

5. Throwing away sentimental things. I’ve thrown away a lot because I believe there’s no point holding onto them when they don’t really care… most of the time they do care and I always end up regretting it but I can’t help it. The constant reminder gets too much sometimes.

6. Keeping a guard up. I always have a guard up. Not because I mean to, but because it’s so much easier to deal with when they do eventually walk away.

7. Asking for validation. I seek constant reassurance when I’m feeling at my worst. And I mean, its overwhelming sometimes. I mean it’s hard for me to deal with so I have absolutely no doubt that it’s hard on them too. I’m sorry, that sometimes it’s too much. I can’t help it. Fear and anger are my biggest downfalls when it comes to my emotions.

8. Testing. I have a habit of testing people because I have abandonment issues. I don’t believe people will stick around. So I push them. And sometimes I push them too much so the inevitable happens, but I always know that it’s my fault when it does.

9. Making people feel guilty. This is another toxic trait I have. I always take things the wrong way, based on the manor in which the message is displayed, or the level of attitude that comes with the statement. I then in turn make them feel guilty because of the way I took the thing in question and it’s a very negative thing to do. However, as soon as I’m emotionally affected by something I flip. And most of the time they never make me feel guilty about this. I am trying my hardest to stop.

10. Crying. I cry ALL THE TIME. Joy’s of having very limited emotional control. I can’t help it. When my emotions get way too much for me, I cry my heart out and sometimes it’s over the most trivial shit. Especially right now because I have pregnancy hormones floating around.

11. Turning to substances. I did this more so growing up than I do now. I used to smoke cannabis for a long while as an attempt to turn off my emotions and be too spaced out to think. However, I haven’t done it in years and I’m quite proud of that. Then I turned to alcohol. I used that as a coping mechanism whenever I didn’t have Luna… Falling pregnant put a stop to that real quick.

12. Overthinking. I don’t think I’ll ever stop doing this. I do it all the time, even more so now I’m pregnant. I can’t help it. My brains goes to places it shouldn’t and because of it, I always react to my brain rather than the actual situation itself.

13. Pushing others away. I have gotten to the point where I’m pretty sure I’ve pushed everyone I love away. I watch myself do it and I can’t stop it. I don’t mean too but I do. I believe myself to be unworthy of love so I push them away because they don’t deserve having to deal with the emotional rollercoaster that is my life. I have people that are there for me, but right now, I’d rather face it alone.

14. Overcompensating with kindness. I haven’t done this one in a while but I used to live by the saying, kill them with kindness. I would be too nice to people in an attempt to not feel alone and isolated. Even though I’ve put myself in that situation.

15. Ignoring personal care. When my depression and thoughts get too much, I find it too hard to do anything for myself. I will make sure Luna is cared for completely but when it comes to me, I let myself fall apart. I haven’t done it recently as I have to grow a baby, but no doubt it will come back when I no longer have to require myself to eat enough to support the both of us.

16. Self harming. If I’m completely honest, I’m on the verge of cutting myself right now. Not because I want to end my life or because I want to gain attention. But because the emotions in my head and my heart are getting too much for me. It’s so much easier to focus on physical pain and process that than try and figure out why I’ve said or done the things that I’ve done.

There’s a little insight into borderline reactions when we’re feeling unloved and unwanted by the people we love and want most. Some of them are seriously toxic and it’s a constant struggle trying not to be this way but sometimes emotion takes over and it’s like I’m standing back observing rather than being the one in control. It’s like my emotions take on a mind of themselves which means I only see that one emotion at the time and lose all sense of rational thinking.

To the people I have hurt because of any of these, I am honestly and truly sorry. I don’t mean to react the way I do, and I am trying to work on myself but it is hard. Every day is a constant battle and I am truly sorry that you got caught in the crosshairs. To the family, friends and guy that I love, please know that I really do honestly love you and sometimes I get so scared that I react to the fear and anger, most of the time I don’t mean it and I have trouble expressing what I do mean. It’s not an excuse but it is the current situation.

Thank you for taking the time out to read my latest blog post. Make sure you check out the article that inspired this blog post by clicking the link at the top. If you ever want to reach out, you can find me on Instagram, Twitter or my Facebook page. I hope that you all have a great day or evening depending where you are in the world and that you find at least one reason to smile today.

I wish I could hate you…

It’s funny, I never thought I’d be writing this post yet here I am, hurting, crying, and breaking and it’s entirely my own fault. Against my better judgement, I let you in again. I didn’t because I never truly let you go. I held onto hope, onto faith and onto wishes that I wanted so desperately to come true. I wanted to believe in your words more than your actions. I wanted to believe in what I felt more than what I knew to be true. I wanted to believe in you, and I did. That’s why this hurts so much. Because I followed my heart before I followed my brain. I trusted my heart in your hands and you proved repeatedly why I shouldn’t have.

I hate the way you broke my heart like it meant nothing. I hate the way you just stopped caring. I hate the way you shut me out after promising me that we would get through everything. I hate the way you lied to me and made me believe everything that wasn’t true. I hate the way you told me everything I wanted to hear. I hate the way you used me. I want to say that I hate the way you make me feel, but when we are together you make me the happiest girl in the world, and I hate you for it because you took it all away and you didn’t think twice.

I hate that right now; I don’t hate you. I can’t. I want too. I want to hate you with every fibre of my being. I want to live in a world where I don’t remember you or how you made me feel. I want to live in a world where you haven’t wrecked so many songs and wrecked my memories in my flat. I want to live in a world where you never message me again. I want to live in a world where you aren’t in my brain each day. I want to live in a world where I don’t worry about you anymore. I want to live in a world where I don’t care who you’re with or what you’re doing. But I don’t.

I live in a world where you broke my heart. I live in a world where I had to move my room around because your memory was too present in it, and I had to do that whilst being 26 weeks pregnant. I live in a world where you don’t talk to me, you don’t even care. And it’s horrible because unlike you, my feelings were real and now they are destroying me! I live in a world where I have to pretend to be okay because you’re not around. I live in a world where you couldn’t care about who you hurt or what you’ve done.

I want to say I hate you, that the thought of you makes me sick and angry, that if I ever saw you, I’d be over it enough to not even acknowledge you, but I don’t. I want too but I can’t. I physically can’t hate you and I wish I could. If I hated you, this wouldn’t hurt. If I hated you, I wouldn’t still be crying over a guy that really doesn’t deserve it. If I hated you, I’d be able to move on. But right now, I’m grieving us whilst being so hormonal because everything ended whilst I was pregnant! I want to say I’d never forgive you, but I will. Because that is the type of person I am. I won’t allow you and your personality destroy that.

Yes, I am hurting. Yes, I can’t stand thinking about you without crying. I can’t say it’s all okay because it’s not. I’m going through emotions that are hard for me to control to begin with, and yet because I’m emotionally invested, it’s so much harder. Because I’m “emotionally unstable,” it feels like the end of my world. You have me questioning my self-worth. You have me believing that I am not worthy of anything right now. You have me thinking that I brought this all on myself. That I deserve every ounce of pain that I am going through. You made me believe that I mean nothing and that I’m not enough. And for now, I’ll replay that over and over in my head until the day I wake up and realise I wasn’t the problem. You were.

There is so much I want to say to you but every time I message, it falls on deaf ears and blind eyes. I wanted closure and you couldn’t give it to me. I needed to understand why this happened, but you wouldn’t be a man and tell me the truth. And you’re hiding from someone who never gave up. Even now, writing this I haven’t given up on you. I want to but I can’t. Because I am honestly and completely in love with you and that’s what’s destroying me. Because giving up would be the easier option and I don’t know how. I’m not writing this for you. As it stands right now, I hope I don’t hear from you again. I want to. I want to have a conversation and get all the answers I need but I don’t and it’s an enigma I can’t understand. Because there is nothing that you could say that would change anything.

I am sorry for any part of this that I did wrong. I’m sorry for the mistakes I made. I’m sorry for the things you don’t want to believe and I’m sorry that we’re never going to be okay. But I can honestly say I tried! I tried and tried again until I knew I couldn’t try anymore.

One day, I will wake up and you will be nothing but a distant memory of a mistake I wish I never made. One day, I am going to get over this. One day I will realise my worth and know it was more than you could ever understand. One day, I will be happy again and I won’t have to fake it because it’s easier. One day, I won’t even recognise the person sitting here writing this. One day, I will realise that it wasn’t me that wasn’t worthy. It was you. You don’t deserve me, and you never have. One day I will believe that, and I can’t wait for that one day.

Thank you to everyone who has read this blog post. It is my closure. My pain and my emotions written down to try and help me get passed this moment in my life. I hope that whoever can relate to this, also finds their closure, even if they never get it from the person they need it from. If you need someone to talk to, you can find me on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram and I’ll be here to listen because sometimes that is all we need. I hope where ever you are in this world, you are smiling because this world needs your smile in it.

What mental health will cost us if we let it…

It’s no secret that I have suffered with my mental health for a long time and over the years, it has cost me a lot of things. I let my brain control my heart. I let it control my actions because I believed the very worst that my brain had to offer. It had me believing that I was alone in this world, that I deserved to be alone, that I could never truly be happy, that I wasn’t meant to be alive, that I am a mistake, that I am the very worst version of myself that ever existed. It had me feeling like no one could ever love me because I am a horrible person and didn’t deserve it. None of this is true!

I have sunk so deep into a depression that I shut out everyone that cared about me because of many different reasons. I believed they were lying, that they couldn’t possibly care because they didn’t know what was going on my head and they could never understand it. I thought that people only cared to get certain things out of me and that I was giving everyone I was surrounded by every last piece of me because I had no control. I was so low that I couldn’t see a way out. I wanted all the pain to stop, all the pain that was brought about by my own brain and it’s twisted way of thinking.

I have thought about ending my own life way too many times and I have come way too close to doing it. I have been so low that I thought the only way out was death, that it would stop all the thoughts and all the pain. Instead of realising that this pain was needed to grow. I wished that I could remove all the memories that cause me way too much pain, because I couldn’t cope with them being so present in my brain. I have over analysed every single thing way too many times, instead of just embracing that everything happens because that was what was always meant to happen, we can’t escape it.

I know that I have so many people that would be there for me at the drop of a hat. That would come down and sit with me whilst I’m at my lowest, that would help me out by talking things through with me so I know I’m not alone, however I always end up shutting them out because I need to get through it by myself, I believe that I had no other choice. However, I realised that isn’t true. I wouldn’t have gotten through everything that I have, that has gotten me to this point without the people I love dearly.

So what has it really cost me when I still have people around me? It cost me relationships, because they couldn’t handle it. It cost me relationships, because I refused to let them in and pushed them away way too many times. It cost me friendships with people that only ever tried to help and I returned the favour by treating them like shit because I didn’t deserve their friendship… or at least that is how my brain looked at it. It cost me people that I will always hold dear to my heart because I wasn’t ready to cope with everything going on in my head, let alone outside of it. It cost me jobs and opportunities because I believed in the very worst. It cost me almost a whole year with my daughter.

I wont pretend that I am okay right now. I’m not. I’m broken. I’m heartbroken, I’m emotionally broken and I am struggling. And for the next few days, maybe even weeks, I will shut multiple people out and switch off from everyone because I can’t cope with the emotional overdrive that I am currently experiencing. However, they know I love them and that as soon as I feel like I can even begin to face myself, I will come to them. Right now, I am looking in the mirror and there is a stranger looking back at me. I don’t recognise myself, because I don’t know who I am. I don’t know how to bring myself back.

I have learned that my emotions and my feelings are acceptable. That instead of running from them, I need to face them and embrace them. All feelings are valid, even those negative ones that we try to avoid. It’s okay to be upset, it’s okay to be depressed, it’s okay to be broken, but you have to figure out why you feel this way and how you can get yourself out of it. If you’re unsure, then turn to those you love because they will always help. Shutting yourself off is okay for a short period of time, but the worst thing you can do is isolate yourself from those that you love, because it will only make you feel worse. I have learned that feelings and emotions are a part of life, thoughts are temporary and they come and go.

Sometimes, it feels like you can never see a way back, but there is a path right in front of you, if you’re prepared to take it. It feels like being broken is all you’re meant to be, but you’re not. Trust in your heart more than your head, because your head will always betray you when you’re sinking and your heart wont change. Your heart will always know the way back, you just have to have faith in it.

I am so thankful that I have an amazing daughter who keeps my light burning. She keeps me alive and without her, I’d be dead. But for as long as her heart beats, I will fight with everything I possibly have to stay alive for her. I am thankful for the guy I’m in love with, because he may not realise it, but he gives me strength. He is the reason I never gave up on love, because my heart will always call to him and I always answer. I have never given up on him, and I never will, even on his darkest days. However, I don’t like him very much sometimes. I am so thankful for having the greatest friends who love me without ever making me question it. For putting up with my emotional outbursts, even when they believe I should be doing things differently. I am thankful for my family, because they are the ones that have loved me the longest and the hardest, even at times when I thought I wasn’t able to be loved.

Yes, I am suffering. Yes my mental health bloody sucks. But I refuse to let it take any more from me than it already has. I am working hard on myself, even on my broken days. I am turning to the ones I love most, when days feel impossible. I am living for all the great things my life has to offer and for a future that I know I deserve.

Thank you to everyone reading this latest post. I know it’s been a while since I last posted and I have a few posts coming out over the week explaining everything, but I needed to write this today. So that when I start to sink, I can see that I know its only temporary. Thank you for all your continued support. If you want to get in touch, head over to my Facebook page, Instagram or Twitter and I will always answer, because no one deserves to feel alone in this world. But most of all, I hope where ever you are in this world, whatever your mental state is, that you smile because a smile is the most important thing you can ever wear.

I stopped letting things destroy me…

Wednesday night was probably one of the worst nights I’ve had in a while. I was crying hysterically and refused to reach out to anyone… despite many people saying they’d always be there. They wouldn’t. I sat there looking at the scissors and thought about taking my mind off the pain in my heart and my head, but for the first time in a while, I didn’t go through with it. Instead I thought about my pain. I thought about what caused my heart to shatter and what sunk my head to the point that self harming became an option.

I have some of the best friends I could ever ask for, but that night, because of how late it was, I wouldn’t reach out to them. I couldn’t. Even though one lives in another country and it was a relatively normal time for her, I just couldn’t do it. I was being stubborn because how could anyone else understand that yet again I was breaking without being able to stop.

I realised that for far too long I have allowed people that don’t deserve me, reserve space in my heart and my head. I realised that I have allowed people to break me and still let them into my life like it meant nothing. I showed them how little respect I had for myself, by allowing them the chance to do it again. And that I was the reason I was upset. I expected different outcomes to people I know so well. I expected people to treat me the way I treated them, when many of them didn’t deserve it. And I can honestly say, I’ll never stop being the person I am, but I will stop allowing people into my life.

When I started this blog, it was because I had built walls up so high that I needed to allow myself to let people in. Instead of choosing to confide in the ones closest to me, I chose to write about it on the internet. I chose to open myself up to anyone who would listen than try to tell the ones who are closest to me. And it helped so much. I got to write about everything that was going on in my head and my heart without barriers.

However, recently I’ve been caught up in so many secrets that I can’t disclose, so many things I had to bury that it finally weighed me down to the point I was crumbling under the weight. I couldn’t talk about the things on my mind because they were things that could get many people in trouble, so I took on their burden and carried it around on my shoulders. Day after day, the weight was becoming increasingly heavy but I pushed on, until I cracked.

Instead of self harming, I decided to walk away from social media, not all social media, I’ll still use Twitter for now, but not Facebook, Insta, Messenger and Snapchat. I decided that it was time I took a stand back in my life. It was time that I stopped allowing people to treat me like something they could throw away when they got bored. I stopped worrying about hurting their feelings and decided that it was time I became selfish and put myself first.

I wrote down all the secrets that I had to carry and burned them. They were no longer occupying my mind because I had released them into the atmosphere. The people that wanted me to carry these secrets were gone as well. That night, I discovered my worth, I discovered myself and I discovered strength I thought I lost a long time ago. I found myself at rock bottom and knew I would stay there for as long as I allowed these people to cause me pain and heartache.

So I let them go. I chose to walk away from members of my family that didn’t have my best interest at heart. I chose to walk away from friends that lied to me repeatedly for no real reason. I chose to walk away from love and pain that would only bring about my downfall. But I chose me! I chose to put myself first. I chose to believe in the person I am and have faith that one day, I will be where I need to be and everything will make sense.

I am a strong believer of everything happening for a reason. I believe in true love and romance. I believe in finding someone who’s going to sweep me off my feet. I believe in treating people like you’d want to be treated, because that’s the only way you’ll ever be able to be true to who you are. So why do I continue to allow people to come into my life and treat me less? I can tell you. It’s because since I was a child, all I’ve wanted is to be loved and accepted, to be wanted and feel like I belong. However, at a young age, I was taught that I wasn’t a priority. I was taught that it didn’t matter who they were, friends and family would still leave you. I was taught that confidence can be broken and lies can get into your head and make you believe that you’re nothing. But not any more.

When I chose to walk away, I did the first thing for me that I’ve done in a few months. I decided that I was worth more. I believe that I am worth more than empty promises and broken words. I am worth more than pain and heartache. I am worth more than how I have been treated. I am funny, smart, kind, caring, strong, independent and loving. I am a mother, a daughter, a sister and an aunt to some amazing people. I realised that I was the only person that would be able to stop these people hurting me.

I have realised that many people don’t notice. They don’t care enough to notice when you’re going down even when they’re right in front of you. And this can make you feel invisible. I recently dyed my hair again, it’s now brown and will remain that way until next year and my daughter noticed in seconds, however family members didn’t. I was standing right in front of them with brown hair instead of purple and one of them was able to spot the difference. It sounds stupid as it was only a hair colour, but it made me feel invisible and I hated that feeling.

I realised that even though people say they are there for you, you can probably count on one hand the people that truly mean it. And it’s hard, because I would be there for anyone who needed me, I still will as I know what it’s like to be so down that you want to end it all, yet I can’t expect everyone to be like me. To be honest, I wouldn’t really want them to be. I am however the type of person that would answer everyone, just so they feel like they have someone to talk to and that won’t change. But I will stop allowing everyone in.

Having BPD is tough. Some days it’s the best and other days it’s the very worst of my emotions. I realised that for many, it’s too much. For many, it’s so uncontrollable that they can’t handle it. I can’t blame them, it’s hard for me and I live with it every day, but that means that for now, I don’t trust anyone when it comes to me. I don’t trust that anyone has my best interests or my well being at heart. And I need to be this way to allow myself time to develop my worth and fight for things that I deserve.

One day, I am going to be the strong girl again. The one that will take everything on head on and not crumble at the end of it. I will be the girl that can have bad days but not let them defeat me. I will be me again and some people won’t be around to see it and that’s okay. I don’t need anyone other than my daughter, my few best friends and members of my family. I also don’t need to fight for anything that doesn’t make me happy or help me stay positive.

Thank you for reading my latest blog post. I feel like I am getting back to who I should be, which hopefully means back to blogging about more positive things rather than the decline of my mental health. As always, if you ever need to talk to someone and worried that no one will listen, find me on social media at Facebook, Twitter or Instagram and I will be there. You are never alone. I hope that where ever you are in this world, you are fighting hard for the things you believe in and not letting anyone diminish your worth. Make sure to never let the world steal your smile.