When you isolate yourself from all outside influences, it gives you plenty of time to think. To think about what you want, to think about where you plan to go, to think about the person you want to be. It gives you an insight into your mind and what your heart desires. But it also increases stress. Stress because you know where you want to go, you’re just not sure how to get there.
For months I’ve been doing some serious soul searching. I’ve been looking at the things I’ve done in the past and found ways to make sure they never happen again in my future. I’ve looked at the person I was and how far I’ve come to the person I am today. And it’s quite a big change. Not to everyone but it is to me. I’ve learned better ways to deal with things, even though I don’t always do it the way I should. I’ve learned triggers that cause me to lose control and I’ve learned about the person I know I can be.
See, I needed to be alone to figure my mind out because I knew I still had these massive barriers up that protected me from truly letting anyone in. Which meant that no one could ever break them down until I let them. But I couldn’t. I didn’t know why I couldn’t until a couple of months ago. I realised what was stopping me, I realised all my fears and anger that was making sure I didn’t consider letting them down. And I made an effort to change. It’s still a work in progress but I’m not that person anymore. I refuse to be that person ever again.
I know that when I’m stressed, or angry, or hurting or scared, that I react without thinking. I say things I don’t mean because I don’t engage my brain. Which is bad because that mixed with the BPD means that during that bad moment, I don’t see anything but darkness and I react to the darkness surrounding me. Instead of just letting in that small amount of hope. But I’m getting there. I’m trying to find hope in everything I possibly can because it’s always there.
I’m a pretty decent mum now, and I’ve handled this pregnancy a lot better than I did with Luna and for that I’m so proud of myself. But I wasn’t always this way. I spent years in a dark place, and when someone came in and showed me the light, I started to turn into a decent mother. I started to find ways to cope. And that was what started my journey of self discovery. Because I know my children would always deserve better than my past. And they will get it. I’ll make sure of that.
The problem with my head, is I don’t know what’s true and what isn’t during my dark moments. I don’t trust myself and that was the times that I would turn to those around me. It just so happened that because many of them didn’t agree with my choices or decisions, they would worm their way in and I’d let them. And that’s not the person I intend to be. I know my heart. I know my brain most of the time, but I know what I want. And to listen to those people tell me how I should be living my life, isn’t what I want anymore. I don’t want to be kept at the same level to please them. I don’t want to avoid things or people because they don’t agree. And I will never allow their opinions to become my truth. My heart and brain deserve better than that.
I’ve come a long way in the last few months. I’ve overcome my brain in many ways and I’ve learned to cope a lot better. Because I have too. I know where I’m going, because I’ve embraced where I come from and made those changes to improve my life, to improve the lives for the people that rely on me like my children and for whoever I love in the future. I know who I want in my life and who I don’t. I know that I don’t need anyone and I can support myself. Because I had too. I had to learn how to do it in order to grow as a person.
I spent years feeling like I didn’t deserve happiness, didn’t deserve love, so whenever I had it, I made sure to push it away by any means. I made sure to make sure that I fucked up because I already blamed myself for not being worthy. However it was those people that suffered. That got hurt. That got broken. All because I couldn’t understand why I felt the need to self sabotage everything around me. It’s only been the last few months that I changed that. I stopped trying to sabotage myself and I started to work on myself to be someone worthy. And slowly, I’m becoming that person. I just wish it hadn’t cost me so much to begin with. I just wish I went on this journey of self discovery years ago, like when I first fell pregnant with luna. But at that point I didn’t think even know I had BPD, I just knew I was over emotional.
This pregnancy has taught me more in my journey of self discovery than I ever thought it could. It’s made me realise so many things wrong with myself that I needed to change. It made me realise what was worth fighting for. It made me realise where I wanted to be in the future. And yes, those plans will never happen anymore but that’s okay. Because plans change. But my determination to work on myself and who I want to be will always be a continuous journey. I will always strive to be better, because my children deserve that and so much more.
Thank you to everyone who has taken the time to read todays post. I hope that if you too are on a journey of self discovery that you find many things that are good with yourself and not just focus on the bad. Remember to love yourself and others around you, not only today on Valentines day, but every single day of the year. Because we all deserve it. If any of you need any help or advice about a self discovery journey, feel free to message me by reaching out on Twitter, Facebook or Instagram on my dedicated blog related profiles. I mean I’m not perfect and I’ve still got a way to go, but I can always help to get you on the right track. And lastly keep smiling. Because your smile means everything to the right person.
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