If anything…

I want to hate you. But I just can’t. I can’t hate what we went through. I can’t hate the person you proved to be. I can’t hate the memories we share or the words we said. I can’t hate the nights we spent on the phone and the ones I spent in your arms. I can’t hate pain that I’m experiencing because it gave me the happiness I needed. I’m not the type of person who can hold onto hate.

Before I met you, I was broken. My heart was aching. My smile had faded. I was lost and hurting from a guy who would never choose me. You come out of nowhere. And you handed me all the tools to fix myself. To find myself again. You made me laugh harder than I had done in ages. You helped me open my heart to something good. You found me when I was broken and took the time to help me fix myself. And that was what I needed, because you handed me the tools to get over you.

I may not be there yet, but I am handling it better than I thought I would be. I don’t hate the you that couldn’t be honest. I don’t hate the choice you made. I don’t hate the way you acted. I don’t hate you because I don’t need to. I don’t hate the way you looked me in the eyes and said “we are going great”. I don’t hate the way you rung me when I told you I missed you after being ghosted. I don’t hate the way you was “too busy”. I don’t hate the guy you showed. I just don’t want too. Because that tarnishes something that for a while meant everything.

I can find happiness now in the small things. The way me and my best friend have attempted to smash a world record and keep failing massively. In the way my son will hear his sister scream and go running into help despite being half her size. He doesn’t care cause that’s his sister. It’s in the way Luna loves to share every single detail of her day with me. It’s in the way that both my children still come and give me a hug just because they needed a mummy cuddle.

How can I hate something that brought me back? You taught me to save the things worth saving. You taught me to step out of my comfort zone. You taught me how to want the very best for someone that I have to say goodbye to. You taught me how to fall before I ever met you. You taught me how to be your biggest cheerleader behind your back. You taught me to have faith in things that are bigger than us. You taught me that life will always teach me something and then show me why.

I needed you. I found you when I needed you only I didn’t know that you was what I needed. I found a friend in you that I never wanted to lose. I found a laugh in me that I lost for a very long time. I found a smile that couldn’t hide anything. I found a light that would never burn low again. I found life behind the colour grey. I found unconditional love for myself. I found self respect and boundaries. I found my limit.

I am beyond thankful for all our memories because they were times spent with you. I am thankful for every conversation we ever had, because they made me understand you, for both the good and the bad. I am thankful for every phone call we had at night because I learnt to go to sleep in peace. I am thankful for every smile you sent my way. I am thankful for every laugh from the bottom of my stomach, the ones where I had to literally catch my breath from laughing so hard. I am thankful for every time you became quiet and withdrawn, because it taught me that you have signs, before you become overcome with demons that you can’t hide from.

I am thankful that I got to play such a small part in your journey. I am thankful that it was you because the night we first met, I knew you’d play an important part of my life. I am thankful for letting you in, even at times when I thought I couldn’t. I am thankful for every time you put distance between us, because you taught me how to be without you. But, I am also thankful that you let me in. I am thankful that you opened your life to me even if now doesn’t mean anything.

I hope that I never become a regret to you. I hope that you never have any negative feelings attached to us. I hope that you chase after every dream you have, because I believe you can achieve anything you set your mind too. I hope you realise that I will never hold any of this against you. I hope that you find peace in your mind because I’ve witnessed you crack. I hope that you find someone who you choose at every opportunity but who chooses you back every time. I hope you find a way to remember that I will never give up wanting the very best of this life for you. I hope you remember that I will always have a smile on my face that you helped me find again.

You taught me how to get over someone which will help me get over you. I was emotionally blocked when it come to my writing. I could start loads of posts but couldn’t find the words to finish. I knew what I wanted to say but I couldn’t. I had blocked my emotions when it come to you. I believed you didn’t care so I wouldn’t allow myself to care about you. But that just isn’t who I am and I don’t intend to change just because I’m going through a bit of pain. I was blocked because I was looking at what happened, as the negative of never having you in my life again. The truth is, that I will carry a part of you with me for the rest of my life. You may not be physically in my life, but emotionally and mentally, you helped shape me into the person I am today.

I want you to know that you matter. I want you to know that you was appreciated. I want you to know that you mean something to someone. I want you to know that you need to let people in, because not everyone leaves. I want you to know that even after everything, you are worthy of it. I want you to know that I do love you and lastly I want you to know that I will never carry a doubt of regret about any of it.

So yes, I miss you. I am hurting. Yes I wish this wasn’t our outcome but I can’t change that anymore. I can’t pretend that not thinking about you is easy. Because it is one of the hardest things I have to do. Right now, it’s like there is a reminder of you every where I look and that’s how I know I’m meant to feel this for a little longer. But one day, you will simply be a short but important chapter in my book.

Things people with BPD do when they’re feeling unloved…

I was reading a post today where someone asked members of the BPD community things they do when they’re feeling unloved. It’s honestly a good read for loads of different insights into various minds of BPD. If you want to read the original post, you can check it out by clicking this link https://myhealthbodycoach.com/2021/11/28/16-things-people-with-bpd-do-that-are-code-for-i-feel-unloved/?fbclid=IwAR3gUL7vN_znaD56DQr7f7OIdB9TJg8sNWQ2jv_YcrURS9i1XzzqSNvD-Ss. I was reading it and thought how true it was and how many of them I’ve actually done and a fair few of them being quite recent.

The above post is about many different peoples experiences however, considering this is my blog, I thought I’d write about them from a personal point of view to try and help those of my family and friends understand my mental health issues a little better.

1. Ghosting. I still do this! I do this quite a lot. When my emotions are getting too much for me, when I feel like I am loosing all control, I will shut everyone out, despite knowing that they’d be there for me. I shut them out because its so much easier than trying to explain to them why I’m not okay. It’s easier than explaining to them that emotionally I’m devastated.

2. Isolating. I isolate myself when I ghost everyone. I isolate myself because that way I can’t get hurt. Nobody can hurt me if they can’t get close enough to me. They can’t make me feel any worse if I don’t allow them to be around me.

3. Shutting down. When I’m emotionally exhausted, I shut down. I tend to do this most nights after putting Luna to bed. I just lose all motivation. I mean most of the time I don’t even love myself enough to fight through it, so feeling withdrawn from those I love is nothing new to me. My mind jumps from complete happiness to overwhelming sadness so quickly because I got triggered by something and shutting down is the easiest way to deal with it.

4. Picking fights. If I start to feel like someone’s abandoning me or doesn’t love me anymore, I will end up picking a fight, because my brain sees a reaction as a form of still caring. It’s a toxic trait that I am trying my hardest to work on but sometimes it’s something so small that triggers a whole amount of rage and I just flip. I then end up saying things I regret without thinking about the consequences of those words.

5. Throwing away sentimental things. I’ve thrown away a lot because I believe there’s no point holding onto them when they don’t really care… most of the time they do care and I always end up regretting it but I can’t help it. The constant reminder gets too much sometimes.

6. Keeping a guard up. I always have a guard up. Not because I mean to, but because it’s so much easier to deal with when they do eventually walk away.

7. Asking for validation. I seek constant reassurance when I’m feeling at my worst. And I mean, its overwhelming sometimes. I mean it’s hard for me to deal with so I have absolutely no doubt that it’s hard on them too. I’m sorry, that sometimes it’s too much. I can’t help it. Fear and anger are my biggest downfalls when it comes to my emotions.

8. Testing. I have a habit of testing people because I have abandonment issues. I don’t believe people will stick around. So I push them. And sometimes I push them too much so the inevitable happens, but I always know that it’s my fault when it does.

9. Making people feel guilty. This is another toxic trait I have. I always take things the wrong way, based on the manor in which the message is displayed, or the level of attitude that comes with the statement. I then in turn make them feel guilty because of the way I took the thing in question and it’s a very negative thing to do. However, as soon as I’m emotionally affected by something I flip. And most of the time they never make me feel guilty about this. I am trying my hardest to stop.

10. Crying. I cry ALL THE TIME. Joy’s of having very limited emotional control. I can’t help it. When my emotions get way too much for me, I cry my heart out and sometimes it’s over the most trivial shit. Especially right now because I have pregnancy hormones floating around.

11. Turning to substances. I did this more so growing up than I do now. I used to smoke cannabis for a long while as an attempt to turn off my emotions and be too spaced out to think. However, I haven’t done it in years and I’m quite proud of that. Then I turned to alcohol. I used that as a coping mechanism whenever I didn’t have Luna… Falling pregnant put a stop to that real quick.

12. Overthinking. I don’t think I’ll ever stop doing this. I do it all the time, even more so now I’m pregnant. I can’t help it. My brains goes to places it shouldn’t and because of it, I always react to my brain rather than the actual situation itself.

13. Pushing others away. I have gotten to the point where I’m pretty sure I’ve pushed everyone I love away. I watch myself do it and I can’t stop it. I don’t mean too but I do. I believe myself to be unworthy of love so I push them away because they don’t deserve having to deal with the emotional rollercoaster that is my life. I have people that are there for me, but right now, I’d rather face it alone.

14. Overcompensating with kindness. I haven’t done this one in a while but I used to live by the saying, kill them with kindness. I would be too nice to people in an attempt to not feel alone and isolated. Even though I’ve put myself in that situation.

15. Ignoring personal care. When my depression and thoughts get too much, I find it too hard to do anything for myself. I will make sure Luna is cared for completely but when it comes to me, I let myself fall apart. I haven’t done it recently as I have to grow a baby, but no doubt it will come back when I no longer have to require myself to eat enough to support the both of us.

16. Self harming. If I’m completely honest, I’m on the verge of cutting myself right now. Not because I want to end my life or because I want to gain attention. But because the emotions in my head and my heart are getting too much for me. It’s so much easier to focus on physical pain and process that than try and figure out why I’ve said or done the things that I’ve done.

There’s a little insight into borderline reactions when we’re feeling unloved and unwanted by the people we love and want most. Some of them are seriously toxic and it’s a constant struggle trying not to be this way but sometimes emotion takes over and it’s like I’m standing back observing rather than being the one in control. It’s like my emotions take on a mind of themselves which means I only see that one emotion at the time and lose all sense of rational thinking.

To the people I have hurt because of any of these, I am honestly and truly sorry. I don’t mean to react the way I do, and I am trying to work on myself but it is hard. Every day is a constant battle and I am truly sorry that you got caught in the crosshairs. To the family, friends and guy that I love, please know that I really do honestly love you and sometimes I get so scared that I react to the fear and anger, most of the time I don’t mean it and I have trouble expressing what I do mean. It’s not an excuse but it is the current situation.

Thank you for taking the time out to read my latest blog post. Make sure you check out the article that inspired this blog post by clicking the link at the top. If you ever want to reach out, you can find me on Instagram, Twitter or my Facebook page. I hope that you all have a great day or evening depending where you are in the world and that you find at least one reason to smile today.

I stopped letting things destroy me…

Wednesday night was probably one of the worst nights I’ve had in a while. I was crying hysterically and refused to reach out to anyone… despite many people saying they’d always be there. They wouldn’t. I sat there looking at the scissors and thought about taking my mind off the pain in my heart and my head, but for the first time in a while, I didn’t go through with it. Instead I thought about my pain. I thought about what caused my heart to shatter and what sunk my head to the point that self harming became an option.

I have some of the best friends I could ever ask for, but that night, because of how late it was, I wouldn’t reach out to them. I couldn’t. Even though one lives in another country and it was a relatively normal time for her, I just couldn’t do it. I was being stubborn because how could anyone else understand that yet again I was breaking without being able to stop.

I realised that for far too long I have allowed people that don’t deserve me, reserve space in my heart and my head. I realised that I have allowed people to break me and still let them into my life like it meant nothing. I showed them how little respect I had for myself, by allowing them the chance to do it again. And that I was the reason I was upset. I expected different outcomes to people I know so well. I expected people to treat me the way I treated them, when many of them didn’t deserve it. And I can honestly say, I’ll never stop being the person I am, but I will stop allowing people into my life.

When I started this blog, it was because I had built walls up so high that I needed to allow myself to let people in. Instead of choosing to confide in the ones closest to me, I chose to write about it on the internet. I chose to open myself up to anyone who would listen than try to tell the ones who are closest to me. And it helped so much. I got to write about everything that was going on in my head and my heart without barriers.

However, recently I’ve been caught up in so many secrets that I can’t disclose, so many things I had to bury that it finally weighed me down to the point I was crumbling under the weight. I couldn’t talk about the things on my mind because they were things that could get many people in trouble, so I took on their burden and carried it around on my shoulders. Day after day, the weight was becoming increasingly heavy but I pushed on, until I cracked.

Instead of self harming, I decided to walk away from social media, not all social media, I’ll still use Twitter for now, but not Facebook, Insta, Messenger and Snapchat. I decided that it was time I took a stand back in my life. It was time that I stopped allowing people to treat me like something they could throw away when they got bored. I stopped worrying about hurting their feelings and decided that it was time I became selfish and put myself first.

I wrote down all the secrets that I had to carry and burned them. They were no longer occupying my mind because I had released them into the atmosphere. The people that wanted me to carry these secrets were gone as well. That night, I discovered my worth, I discovered myself and I discovered strength I thought I lost a long time ago. I found myself at rock bottom and knew I would stay there for as long as I allowed these people to cause me pain and heartache.

So I let them go. I chose to walk away from members of my family that didn’t have my best interest at heart. I chose to walk away from friends that lied to me repeatedly for no real reason. I chose to walk away from love and pain that would only bring about my downfall. But I chose me! I chose to put myself first. I chose to believe in the person I am and have faith that one day, I will be where I need to be and everything will make sense.

I am a strong believer of everything happening for a reason. I believe in true love and romance. I believe in finding someone who’s going to sweep me off my feet. I believe in treating people like you’d want to be treated, because that’s the only way you’ll ever be able to be true to who you are. So why do I continue to allow people to come into my life and treat me less? I can tell you. It’s because since I was a child, all I’ve wanted is to be loved and accepted, to be wanted and feel like I belong. However, at a young age, I was taught that I wasn’t a priority. I was taught that it didn’t matter who they were, friends and family would still leave you. I was taught that confidence can be broken and lies can get into your head and make you believe that you’re nothing. But not any more.

When I chose to walk away, I did the first thing for me that I’ve done in a few months. I decided that I was worth more. I believe that I am worth more than empty promises and broken words. I am worth more than pain and heartache. I am worth more than how I have been treated. I am funny, smart, kind, caring, strong, independent and loving. I am a mother, a daughter, a sister and an aunt to some amazing people. I realised that I was the only person that would be able to stop these people hurting me.

I have realised that many people don’t notice. They don’t care enough to notice when you’re going down even when they’re right in front of you. And this can make you feel invisible. I recently dyed my hair again, it’s now brown and will remain that way until next year and my daughter noticed in seconds, however family members didn’t. I was standing right in front of them with brown hair instead of purple and one of them was able to spot the difference. It sounds stupid as it was only a hair colour, but it made me feel invisible and I hated that feeling.

I realised that even though people say they are there for you, you can probably count on one hand the people that truly mean it. And it’s hard, because I would be there for anyone who needed me, I still will as I know what it’s like to be so down that you want to end it all, yet I can’t expect everyone to be like me. To be honest, I wouldn’t really want them to be. I am however the type of person that would answer everyone, just so they feel like they have someone to talk to and that won’t change. But I will stop allowing everyone in.

Having BPD is tough. Some days it’s the best and other days it’s the very worst of my emotions. I realised that for many, it’s too much. For many, it’s so uncontrollable that they can’t handle it. I can’t blame them, it’s hard for me and I live with it every day, but that means that for now, I don’t trust anyone when it comes to me. I don’t trust that anyone has my best interests or my well being at heart. And I need to be this way to allow myself time to develop my worth and fight for things that I deserve.

One day, I am going to be the strong girl again. The one that will take everything on head on and not crumble at the end of it. I will be the girl that can have bad days but not let them defeat me. I will be me again and some people won’t be around to see it and that’s okay. I don’t need anyone other than my daughter, my few best friends and members of my family. I also don’t need to fight for anything that doesn’t make me happy or help me stay positive.

Thank you for reading my latest blog post. I feel like I am getting back to who I should be, which hopefully means back to blogging about more positive things rather than the decline of my mental health. As always, if you ever need to talk to someone and worried that no one will listen, find me on social media at Facebook, Twitter or Instagram and I will be there. You are never alone. I hope that where ever you are in this world, you are fighting hard for the things you believe in and not letting anyone diminish your worth. Make sure to never let the world steal your smile.

Isn’t it funny…

Relationships are hard work no matter what is going on externally and internally. However, a relationship with someone who has BPD will be one of the most challenging but rewarding that you ever find yourself in. We are pretty messed up in the head, we have triggers that send our minds into a whirlwind of emotions that are so hard to control, but when we feel things, they are on a much higher level which means we have so much more to give. I’m not just talking about romantic relationships, I’m talking about all of them, those with family, friends and even yourself.

Right now, I can honestly say, I am at a stage in my life where I don’t see a future with any guy right now. There is not one person that I am prepared to give my heart too, because I have become so paranoid that they’re either lying, using me or going to break my heart and I don’t want that. I don’t want something temporary, so I don’t want anything. Too many people have left my life for me to trust anyone else not to do the same. Too many people have lied and used me for me to even consider letting another person close enough to hurt me. The wall is up, and I don’t see it coming down any time soon.

I am learning my triggers, because apparently I have way more than I originally thought. And there is so much my future partner would need to know before I even considered it. Which means, that it’s going to take a lot of hard work and I don’t see anyone being able to handle it. And to be honest, I’m okay with that right now.

I know that being ignored is probably one of the biggest triggers I have. It brings me back to a place where the people that weren’t supposed to, ignored me to the point I was second guessing how they really felt. I felt like I was going to be abandoned and now, anytime I get ignored, it takes me back to a place I don’t want to be. Yes, I understand people are busy, but it takes two seconds to send a message saying that, and they will reply as soon as they can. It’s simple reassurance that helps when I’m like it.

I have attachment issues and abandonment issues. I know this, which is why I refuse to get attached to anyone I believe isn’t going to be in my life in a few months to a year. I don’t trust people easily because too many people have let me down in my life and every time it starts to go that way, I spot the signs and it brings me down. I can notice the changes quicker than most, and when I start to believe they’re real intentions, I start to cut myself off to prevent myself from getting hurt.

I have a major fear of being alone, so I have put up with so much crap, and feeling like I deserved it. I didn’t. And I am finally starting to realise my real worth. I am more than this mental health problem, I am more than the Addison’s that can’t make up it’s bloody mind. I am more than you gave me credit for. I don’t believe that I deserve the crap anymore, so I refuse to settle. I refuse to settle for anything less than butterflies every time I see their face, hear their voice or see their name pop up in my phone.

The truth is, when I am in a relationship with someone, yes there are so many things that I fight on a regular basis, but they truly get all of me. I give my heart, and I end up putting myself second. I put my all into it, which is why I get so scared that I’m going to get hurt. Because once I put all I can in, there is nothing left to give. I love too much and it drives people away.

I wish my mind wasn’t disrupted by trauma. I wish that I didn’t have so many negative thoughts of my childhood. Of feelings like I wasn’t important enough to the people that should have took care of me. Feelings of believing I was only good for a few things and nothing else about me mattered. I have memories of wishing that I was anywhere than at home. I suffered with emotional neglect, and a sense of withdrawal. I had to go through many of my days knowing that I wasn’t a priority. And growing up, I believed I never mattered to anyone. Not really.

I have spent more of my life around my friends, than I have my family because despite my family being really close, my brothers were the priority. My mum pushed me more than anyone else, and she says it because I’m more headstrong than the others but I had to grow up quicker than the average child. I had to realise what I could and couldn’t say. I had to carry secrets for people that were supposed to protect me from getting hurt.

I was abused at 13. I ended up believing that I was damaged goods because of it. That I didn’t deserve love and a relationship. So for many years, I refused to let anyone get close and when I did get into relationships, I gave them what they wanted because what I wanted never mattered before so why would it matter now? I let people have my body that never deserved it but I believed that I wasn’t worth anything else. I let people do what they wanted because I didn’t matter to myself. I knew that my body could get me all the attention I wanted but it was the wrong attention and it took me to be diagnosed with BPD that I realised that I could understand why.

I developed an eating disorder at 13 that I still have today. I would eat and then force myself to be sick. Too many people told me I was fat despite never being bigger than a size 8. My family were all skinny rakes and I was often referred to as the fatty of the family. I’m pretty sure most of my family had anorexia, so for me, to have meat on my bones, an ass and tits that weren’t exactly easy to hide was hard. I wanted to be like them. My elder sister was a size 2-4, and I remember wanting her body because she never got called fat. I would force myself to be sick so much that eventually I stopped needing to force myself and my body would do it automatically. Even now, I still fight with my weight and it’s so much worse when I’m pregnant because I get fat even though its baby weight but I don’t see that. It’s one of the reasons I hate pregnancy.

I was abandoned by a parent at 14. They left and moved away to different part of the country and despite telling me they’d always be there, they wasn’t. For many months, I didn’t know whether they were alive or dead. They gave their new number to their ex but not their children. Their ex even refused to give their number to us, and it felt like they just didn’t care enough to let us know. They made me believe that if I wasn’t important to a parent, I wasn’t important to anyone.

At 15, I was addicted to weed and loved getting drunk. I was spiralling out of control. I stopped doing well at school, got into trouble and didn’t care about anything because it had no meaning. My life had no meaning. I was engaging in risky behaviour because so many people had made me believe I didn’t deserve the best. I would pick fights and arguments because I was hurting so much that I wanted other people to hurt as well. I couldn’t cope with my head and I treated so many people like shit because of it. Believe me, I am sorry for that.

I contemplated suicide at 16. I attempted suicide at 25. I couldn’t live with myself knowing that I would never mean anything and that the world would be better off without me. I was ready to leave this world. I was ready to just give up. I had enough. I couldn’t stand feeling like I never really mattered. There are days where I still end up believing so little of myself but I am still here fighting, even when I really don’t want too.

Now, I am slowly starting to love the person I am. She’s one tough cookie. She has been hurt, she has been broken and she has been completely disregarded. She has been left, she has been lost but she is still standing. I am starting to see my worth. And I do believe that I am worth more than I have ever given credit for. I am strong. I am stubborn. I am a mother who adores her daughter more than she will ever know. I have overcome abuse, neglect, depression and still got up to face the world. I have been beaten so many times that it never stopped me from getting back up. And now I am finally starting to stand up for myself again.

I am finally starting to gain my confidence back. I am slowly finding myself in the mirror. I’m getting back to the person I should be. The one who believes in true love and magic. The one that wishes on stars. The one that had her childhood stolen but took it back in her twenties. I’m the girl who gets to be a child with her daughter whilst still understanding that I am an adult. But who wants to grow up? It’s disappointing. I mean I own Mickey Mouse trainers, and love a good Disney marathon.

So to the people who want to give up, don’t! Your life will change for the better. Yes, it’s going to take years and a lot of self discovery. But it’s a journey that will benefit you in the long run. There are people out there who love you even when you don’t love yourself. I have a long way to go before I’m in the best place, but I am still learning and I am so much better than the person who has wanted to end it all. I am so much stronger than I have been in the past. And I am finally embracing the person I am. Life does get better and it’s so worth it.

I’m finally back to writing. My blog has a few posts lined up and I am starting to enjoy writing again. I have even continued on my novel and that has been on the shelf for way too long. So I know I am heading in the right direction. And I can’t wait to be the person I know I will. So hopefully I’ll be back to posting regularly.

Thank you for taking the time to read my blog. It has taken about 12 drafts to finally beat my writers block. And I am over the moon that I have got my writing mojo back. As always, if you need to reach me, you can find all blog related stuff on my social media, Facebook, Twitter and Instagram. I hope that you are all having a great day wherever you are in the world and don’t forget that your smile means more to people than you realise. Wear it with pride.

Letting my inner saboteur win…

Living with BPD is tough, but not understanding it or your own brain is even harder. This month is all about Borderline Personality Disorder, and it’s one that I’ve been living with for some time. Or so the doctors tell me. I wish more than anything I could fix myself by waving a wand or writing a post, unfortunately it’s not that easy.

Imagine having a million and one thoughts going through your head. Some of them right and with meaning and context, others not. Imagine not knowing which are true and which are just a concoction that your brain has made up out of thin air. Imagine that all of these thoughts were competing to occupy your sole thought process. Not all of them can fit in there and the ones that make it through sometimes aren’t the right ones.

Every day is a constant battle. A battle between good and evil, a battle between black and white, because to those that suffer with this illness, there is no in between. You don’t have okay days. You have either really good or really bad ones and simple things can change the whole day. It could be a really bad day until something small happens and changes it completely or a really good day and something tiny can flip it on its arse. Then magnify that a thousand times. Because living with BPD is intense. Our good and our bad days are intense. The good days are magical and overwhelming. The bad are unbearable and soul destroying.

A simple thought can turn into a train wreck of emotions. I mean for example there are so many thoughts going through my head right now that I can’t make sense of. I can’t find ways to fix this. I am sitting here in a pitch black room wondering why I let my brain do the things I have done? How could I lose so much control when everyone else can seem like they have it together?

Tonight, before writing this, I relapsed. I hadn’t cut myself in months and yet here I am with fresh scratches over my wrist. Should I be proud that I went for the blunter object as opposed to the sharper one sat right next to it? No. Because I still took to causing myself pain, like my brain hasn’t caused me enough already. I sat in tears with no one around and I hurt myself because I couldn’t cope with the way my brain was going. I couldn’t shut it down and turn it off. I couldn’t change the station. I was just stuck with the voices inside my head.

I wish I could explain how and why I do the things that I do. I mean some of them are symptoms of BPD but does that excuse my behaviour? No. And it shouldn’t. Because I am more than a mental illness. Can I stop doing these things? Probably, but I don’t know how. All day, I’ve been stuck inside my head. I’ve been sat thinking about everything and anything.

Fear of abandonment. People with BPD are often terrified of being abandoned or left alone. Even something as innocuous as a loved one arriving home late from work or going away for the weekend may trigger intense fear. This can prompt frantic efforts to keep the other person close. You may beg, cling, start fights, track your loved one’s movements, or even physically block the person from leaving. Unfortunately, this behavior tends to have the opposite effect—driving others away.

Unstable relationships. People with BPD tend to have relationships that are intense and short-lived. You may fall in love quickly, believing that each new person is the one who will make you feel whole, only to be quickly disappointed. Your relationships either seem perfect or horrible, without any middle ground. Your lovers, friends, or family members may feel like they have emotional whiplash as a result of your rapid swings from idealization to devaluation, anger, and hate.

Unclear or shifting self-image. When you have BPD, your sense of self is typically unstable. Sometimes you may feel good about yourself, but other times you hate yourself, or even view yourself as evil. You probably don’t have a clear idea of who you are or what you want in life. As a result, you may frequently change jobs, friends, lovers, religion, values, goals, or even sexual identity.

Impulsive, self-destructive behaviors. If you have BPD, you may engage in harmful, sensation-seeking behaviors, especially when you’re upset. You may impulsively spend money you can’t afford, binge eat, drive recklessly, shoplift, engage in risky sex, or overdo it with drugs or alcohol. These risky behaviors may help you feel better in the moment, but they hurt you and those around you over the long-term.

Self-harm. Suicidal behavior and deliberate self-harm is common in people with BPD. Suicidal behavior includes thinking about suicide, making suicidal gestures or threats, or actually carrying out a suicide attempt. Self-harm encompasses all other attempts to hurt yourself without suicidal intent. Common forms of self-harm include cutting and burning.

Extreme emotional swings. Unstable emotions and moods are common with BPD. One moment, you may feel happy, and the next, despondent. Little things that other people brush off can send you into an emotional tailspin. These mood swings are intense, but they tend to pass fairly quickly (unlike the emotional swings of depression or bipolar disorder), usually lasting just a few minutes or hours.

Chronic feelings of emptiness. People with BPD often talk about feeling empty, as if there’s a hole or a void inside them. At the extreme, you may feel as if you’re “nothing” or “nobody.” This feeling is uncomfortable, so you may try to fill the void with things like drugs, food, or sex. But nothing feels truly satisfying.

Explosive anger. If you have BPD, you may struggle with intense anger and a short temper. You may also have trouble controlling yourself once the fuse is lit—yelling, throwing things, or becoming completely consumed by rage. It’s important to note that this anger isn’t always directed outwards. You may spend a lot of time feeling angry at yourself.

Feeling suspicious or out of touch with reality. People with BPD often struggle with paranoia or suspicious thoughts about others’ motives. When under stress, you may even lose touch with reality—an experience known as dissociation. You may feel foggy, spaced out, or as if you’re outside your own body.

as found on https://www.helpguide.org/articles/mental-disorders/borderline-personality-disorder.htm

They are the nine symptoms of BPD and I’m going to look at every one of them because within the last few months, I am displaying them more and more. Maybe that will help explain things a little better.

Fear of abandonment – I am so scared of being alone and left alone that I push everyone away from me. It doesn’t matter how much I love and care for them. I will always push them away before they get too close. I try to keep them close and yet I can’t because the fear that they are going to leave makes sure I get there first. I feel like I’m too much.

Unstable relationships – I have had relationships where I am honestly and completely infatuated with this person. However my brain will always manage to find a way to change that. Sometimes it works, and when it does, it breaks me to the point I give in and give up. I can’t stop how I feel or how much it hurts. I can’t look at the positives when my brain is so consumed with the negatives and it always wins, even when I don’t want it too.

Unclear or shifting self-image – Some days, I can see the confident, strong girl I once was, and others, I’m a shell of that person. Some days I can believe I’m a good person, others I feel like I’m the worst person and don’t deserve the love that I get. Most of the time, I don’t know who I am, but I know that one day, I will do.

Impulsive, self-destructive behaviours – When I’m going through a tough time, I have been known to turn to things like drink, alcohol and attention from guys. That’s not a secret. It’s not because I don’t care or because I want to be an arse. It’s because I need to find a way to feel better, even if it’s short lived because the bad literally consumes me. The negativity will swallow me whole, so I look for an easy out. It’s not right and it’s not fair on the ones around me.

Self-harm – I spoke about this earlier on in this post. Should I be proud that I chose the flimsy option over the one that would leave scars? No. Because I shouldn’t have done it at all. But I needed too. I needed the pain in my head to be real. I needed to feel something real because I know my brain isn’t half the time. I needed to know that I could feel at a time I felt numb.

Extreme emotional swings/explosive anger – this illness isn’t otherwise known as emotionally unstable personality disorder for nothing. This is a real consequence of living with this. I can’t control my emotions. I have such high highs that the second I come crashing down, its a nightmare. That I can flip from the happiest in the world to complete devastation over something so trivial and meaningless. The second I get triggered, this horrible person that I try so desperately to keep back comes out. I can’t stop them, I just watch as the anger is released knowing that I lost control. And when they pass, I feel so guilty that I bury them because if I didn’t I’d do something I regret like hurt myself or turn to alcohol.

Chronic feelings of emptiness – do you know what it’s like to be around the person you love and feel dead inside? That all the attention in the world, just cant fill it. To look at someone you love with every fibre of your being, knowing that you love them but feeling so empty you can’t show it? I have sat next to people that try their hardest for me and just end up feeling guilty because I can’t open up to them because I feel numb and worthless. I can’t fill a void that is there because I don’t know why I feel that way in the first place.

Feeling suspicious or out of touch with reality – This happens on a regular basis and I don’t know how to stop it. Every day is a battle between figuring out what is real and meaningful and what my brain is trying to convince me is the truth. It’s a trap that I can’t get out of.

Living with BPD is soul destroying. It controls every moment of every day. It’s the really high highs that make me feel invincible and the really low lows that make me believe I am worthless. It’s the moments like having a great day with Luna and coming back to a room filled with memories and torment and letting those thoughts consume the good. It’s about waking up in the morning and knowing if today will be a good or bad day before it’s even started.

There are days where I feel like a burden. Where I feel like I am the reason the ones I love are hurting and being destroyed. There are days where this mental illness leaves me more alone and isolated than I ever wanted. But it’s also a big part of who I am right now. And until I spend five years in therapy talking to some shrink, I know I will continue to lose to the triggers and the thoughts.

So for those that are around right now, for those that love me and want to be there for me, please don’t give up on me when I’m having my bad days. Please don’t let me sink into my own head and try to help me keep control. To the ones that I love, family, friends and you, please know that every day I am trying my hardest to be in control, some days I win and others I lose, but I’m still me and I am thankful for you all each and every day.

If you want to get in touch with me about BPD, then find me on facebook, twitter or Instagram. I hope that each person that has this mental illness finds a way to have control. I always will be here to listen because I can understand more than you’d believe. I hope wherever you are in the world, you are happy and healthy and until you hear from me again, keep smiling, the world needs to see it.

Emotionally Sensitive…

I am emotionally sensitive. In everything I say and do, I am more sensitive than others. It’s not something I developed or brought on myself. It is the way my brain works and has always worked. I can’t switch it on and off and I can’t drown it out. It is who I am and it’s who I am always going to be. There are so many bad sides to it but there are also many good.

Today, I had yet another assessment at the mental health unit of my local hospital. One that was more in-depth, and it was easier to open up in. Now, remember I said I’m emotionally sensitive? Well, every time I talk about things and situations that make me uncomfortable, things that I bottled up for a perfectly valid reasons and things that scare me so much I don’t sleep at night, are emotionally exhausting. I come home and just want to sleep because I can’t physically cope with bringing up things I buried. It’s so emotionally draining, to talk about things that I’ve carried around with me for years, things that I could have done better and situations I could have handled differently. I bury things because it’s easier than dealing with the tidal wave of emotions that come with it that stick around for days. Unlike a normal person, their hiccups would be like a single note on a soundwave chart where as mine are like echoes, huge to begin with and take a while to fade out.

Every day people ask me how I am, most of the time I say I’m fine, which is a lie. I’m not fine and right now I’m far from it. I have so much going on that I feel like I’m drowning. Drowning with no water, no ability to call for help, no air. Just this giant void. Just this giant void of emotions that I can’t physically control. I have anxiety sucking the life out of me and depression keeping it dark so I can’t see what’s slowly destroying me. I look in the mirror and I don’t know who is looking back at me. I don’t recognise myself. I see pain and sorrow, I see heartache and despair. I can’t be the person expected of me because I lost who I was a long time ago and it’s only now that I’m starting to put myself back.

She sat opposite me and told me that my mental health was complex, that there was more that one thing preventing me from being well again. I mean I have always known I’m not like other people, I just didn’t realise how different I am. She told me how although I have symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), I have other things such as Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), Grief, and Post-Natal Depression that mean she doesn’t want to say for definite. But she is sure that I have Severe Anxiety and Post-Natal Depression. She is sure that I’m emotionally sensitive which that paired with many invalidating environments means that I’m at a biological disadvantage for BPD.

So yes, I’m emotionally sensitive. I always have been. I wouldn’t change it. Even though I may “overreact” to things, have a more intense reaction to situations and it may take me longer to get back to a neutral level, it’s not because I don’t want to, it’s because I physically can’t. It’s because a normal person can get over situations and be fine, I can’t. She told me how even though I may not be able to control myself “losing it”, I over analyse it afterwards. My brain is always working to find a logical answer. When the truth is, there isn’t always one.

I wear my heart on my sleeve, I let people get close to me and I keep them around out of fear. That same fear that can drive people away. I love more intensely because I’m emotionally sensitive. I am way too connected to how I feel and usually I let it control me. I have people do me wrong and I look for logical answers as to why they acted that way. I can pinpoint every single problem I have in my brain and most of them could be solved so easily by shutting everyone out. Because I carry everyone’s baggage as well as my own. I look for the best even when I’m surrounded by the worst. I will look for the good in people long before I listen to the bad. Sometimes, it takes years.

But do you know why I’m glad I’m emotionally sensitive? Because it means that I can feel so much more, despite it only ever being black and white, the good is far greater than the weight of the bad. That’s why I’m still fighting. Because, I get to experience the very best on a good day; the very best of everyone around me being in a good place, the best of everyone’s emotions around me and knowing that they are in a better place. There are days where I spend it picking up everyone else and listening to their problems. Sure, that means worrying for them and caring for them, but it also means that they have a place in my ever-growing heart. It means that I don’t stop loving people even when I should because I love them for what they did. It means that when I fall in love, I get hurt but I get the very best. It makes me more creative and I love that part of my personality.

It’s hard for me to just say how I feel straight off the bat because I know so many people would take what I say personally and like an attack and it’s not like that. It’s not that I mean it that way, its just my brain doesn’t sensor what I have to say and how I should say it. Half the time I know what I want to say but I don’t want to offend people because every time I hurt someone’s feelings, I punish myself. Every argument, every disagreement, every simple case of overreacting in your eyes and I will punish myself for not being able to have control like everyone else and it’s not my fault. I didn’t ask to be sensitive and its more draining for me than it could ever be for you.

I love to talk about anything and everything if its not myself. I would much rather discuss different types of Ash with Sherlock than talk about myself. But I can write. And I’ve always written. So, my writing will help me through this.

I got some help today on how those can around me can help when I’ve been triggered, and I figured I could share it with you. Because there’s a few people that I care about deeply who don’t understand and maybe this could help. It was given to me as part of an information pack for Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder (EUPD)/ BPD.

• Listen and try to understand us. Part of the reason we lash out is because we feel misunderstood and ignored.
• Find out their triggers because there are certain situations or conversations that will set off a spiral of emotions and thoughts, support them as much as you can. The hardest part is reality hitting us afterwards. It’s hard to understand why we reacted in a certain way but that is where communication is for important.
• Be patient and avoid arguments and difficult situations because we see in black and white and the black is far darker than you could imagine.
• Try not to judge us. Even when you don’t understand why we feel or behave the way we do, its so much harder to control than you think.
• Stay calm and consistent.
• Help keep them safe.

The next steps for me are; to see a psychotherapist, to see a grief counsellor, to see a dietician and to attend therapy for the indefinite future. It’s gonna take a while to get them all but at least there’s some hope. I have to see a specialist to talk about rape and how I was sexually abused at 13 and how that’s shaped a lot of what I don’t do today. I must talk about situations like my earliest childhood memory and my biggest fears. If you knew either, you’d know they paint people in some bad lights but things that I still carry with me to this day. I have to talk about how I feel everything, and the only escape comes from the words written on my pages.

I may not be okay right now, but I will be. I may have days where I am at the bottom of the ocean, lost and forgotten but I also have days where nothing could touch me because I’m no longer on the planet. You can get far higher with no limitation than you can going south and burning in the earths core. But you need to seek help. I mean yes, I am down but I know that one day, after intensive therapy I will be able to cope. And I promise, I will keep you all up to date on my journey.