faith – Open Up With Me

Relationships are hard work no matter what is going on externally and internally. However, a relationship with someone who has BPD will be one of the most challenging but rewarding that you ever find yourself in. We are pretty messed up in the head, we have triggers that send our minds into a whirlwind of emotions that are so hard to control, but when we feel things, they are on a much higher level which means we have so much more to give. I’m not just talking about romantic relationships, I’m talking about all of them, those with family, friends and even yourself.

Right now, I can honestly say, I am at a stage in my life where I don’t see a future with any guy right now. There is not one person that I am prepared to give my heart too, because I have become so paranoid that they’re either lying, using me or going to break my heart and I don’t want that. I don’t want something temporary, so I don’t want anything. Too many people have left my life for me to trust anyone else not to do the same. Too many people have lied and used me for me to even consider letting another person close enough to hurt me. The wall is up, and I don’t see it coming down any time soon.

I am learning my triggers, because apparently I have way more than I originally thought. And there is so much my future partner would need to know before I even considered it. Which means, that it’s going to take a lot of hard work and I don’t see anyone being able to handle it. And to be honest, I’m okay with that right now.

I know that being ignored is probably one of the biggest triggers I have. It brings me back to a place where the people that weren’t supposed to, ignored me to the point I was second guessing how they really felt. I felt like I was going to be abandoned and now, anytime I get ignored, it takes me back to a place I don’t want to be. Yes, I understand people are busy, but it takes two seconds to send a message saying that, and they will reply as soon as they can. It’s simple reassurance that helps when I’m like it.

I have attachment issues and abandonment issues. I know this, which is why I refuse to get attached to anyone I believe isn’t going to be in my life in a few months to a year. I don’t trust people easily because too many people have let me down in my life and every time it starts to go that way, I spot the signs and it brings me down. I can notice the changes quicker than most, and when I start to believe they’re real intentions, I start to cut myself off to prevent myself from getting hurt.

I have a major fear of being alone, so I have put up with so much crap, and feeling like I deserved it. I didn’t. And I am finally starting to realise my real worth. I am more than this mental health problem, I am more than the Addison’s that can’t make up it’s bloody mind. I am more than you gave me credit for. I don’t believe that I deserve the crap anymore, so I refuse to settle. I refuse to settle for anything less than butterflies every time I see their face, hear their voice or see their name pop up in my phone.

The truth is, when I am in a relationship with someone, yes there are so many things that I fight on a regular basis, but they truly get all of me. I give my heart, and I end up putting myself second. I put my all into it, which is why I get so scared that I’m going to get hurt. Because once I put all I can in, there is nothing left to give. I love too much and it drives people away.

I wish my mind wasn’t disrupted by trauma. I wish that I didn’t have so many negative thoughts of my childhood. Of feelings like I wasn’t important enough to the people that should have took care of me. Feelings of believing I was only good for a few things and nothing else about me mattered. I have memories of wishing that I was anywhere than at home. I suffered with emotional neglect, and a sense of withdrawal. I had to go through many of my days knowing that I wasn’t a priority. And growing up, I believed I never mattered to anyone. Not really.

I have spent more of my life around my friends, than I have my family because despite my family being really close, my brothers were the priority. My mum pushed me more than anyone else, and she says it because I’m more headstrong than the others but I had to grow up quicker than the average child. I had to realise what I could and couldn’t say. I had to carry secrets for people that were supposed to protect me from getting hurt.

I was abused at 13. I ended up believing that I was damaged goods because of it. That I didn’t deserve love and a relationship. So for many years, I refused to let anyone get close and when I did get into relationships, I gave them what they wanted because what I wanted never mattered before so why would it matter now? I let people have my body that never deserved it but I believed that I wasn’t worth anything else. I let people do what they wanted because I didn’t matter to myself. I knew that my body could get me all the attention I wanted but it was the wrong attention and it took me to be diagnosed with BPD that I realised that I could understand why.

I developed an eating disorder at 13 that I still have today. I would eat and then force myself to be sick. Too many people told me I was fat despite never being bigger than a size 8. My family were all skinny rakes and I was often referred to as the fatty of the family. I’m pretty sure most of my family had anorexia, so for me, to have meat on my bones, an ass and tits that weren’t exactly easy to hide was hard. I wanted to be like them. My elder sister was a size 2-4, and I remember wanting her body because she never got called fat. I would force myself to be sick so much that eventually I stopped needing to force myself and my body would do it automatically. Even now, I still fight with my weight and it’s so much worse when I’m pregnant because I get fat even though its baby weight but I don’t see that. It’s one of the reasons I hate pregnancy.

I was abandoned by a parent at 14. They left and moved away to different part of the country and despite telling me they’d always be there, they wasn’t. For many months, I didn’t know whether they were alive or dead. They gave their new number to their ex but not their children. Their ex even refused to give their number to us, and it felt like they just didn’t care enough to let us know. They made me believe that if I wasn’t important to a parent, I wasn’t important to anyone.

At 15, I was addicted to weed and loved getting drunk. I was spiralling out of control. I stopped doing well at school, got into trouble and didn’t care about anything because it had no meaning. My life had no meaning. I was engaging in risky behaviour because so many people had made me believe I didn’t deserve the best. I would pick fights and arguments because I was hurting so much that I wanted other people to hurt as well. I couldn’t cope with my head and I treated so many people like shit because of it. Believe me, I am sorry for that.

I contemplated suicide at 16. I attempted suicide at 25. I couldn’t live with myself knowing that I would never mean anything and that the world would be better off without me. I was ready to leave this world. I was ready to just give up. I had enough. I couldn’t stand feeling like I never really mattered. There are days where I still end up believing so little of myself but I am still here fighting, even when I really don’t want too.

Now, I am slowly starting to love the person I am. She’s one tough cookie. She has been hurt, she has been broken and she has been completely disregarded. She has been left, she has been lost but she is still standing. I am starting to see my worth. And I do believe that I am worth more than I have ever given credit for. I am strong. I am stubborn. I am a mother who adores her daughter more than she will ever know. I have overcome abuse, neglect, depression and still got up to face the world. I have been beaten so many times that it never stopped me from getting back up. And now I am finally starting to stand up for myself again.

I am finally starting to gain my confidence back. I am slowly finding myself in the mirror. I’m getting back to the person I should be. The one who believes in true love and magic. The one that wishes on stars. The one that had her childhood stolen but took it back in her twenties. I’m the girl who gets to be a child with her daughter whilst still understanding that I am an adult. But who wants to grow up? It’s disappointing. I mean I own Mickey Mouse trainers, and love a good Disney marathon.

So to the people who want to give up, don’t! Your life will change for the better. Yes, it’s going to take years and a lot of self discovery. But it’s a journey that will benefit you in the long run. There are people out there who love you even when you don’t love yourself. I have a long way to go before I’m in the best place, but I am still learning and I am so much better than the person who has wanted to end it all. I am so much stronger than I have been in the past. And I am finally embracing the person I am. Life does get better and it’s so worth it.

I’m finally back to writing. My blog has a few posts lined up and I am starting to enjoy writing again. I have even continued on my novel and that has been on the shelf for way too long. So I know I am heading in the right direction. And I can’t wait to be the person I know I will. So hopefully I’ll be back to posting regularly.

Thank you for taking the time to read my blog. It has taken about 12 drafts to finally beat my writers block. And I am over the moon that I have got my writing mojo back. As always, if you need to reach me, you can find all blog related stuff on my social media, Facebook, Twitter and Instagram. I hope that you are all having a great day wherever you are in the world and don’t forget that your smile means more to people than you realise. Wear it with pride.

If you had asked me a few months ago if I wanted to continue blogging, the answer would have been no. I was ready to just give up on it and walk away. I was prepared to delete my and just not think about it again. As you can see, I didn’t do that, what I did was the opposite. I took some time away from focusing on stats and marketing it, I took time from writing -the break from writing was an accident. I had writers block and didn’t know what I wanted to write – I have over 40 drafts because I started and stopped so many different pieces. I was being a lot harder on myself than I should have been and because of it my writing suffered massively.

I’ve been in a dark place for a while, that’s no secret. This year has tested me in ways I didn’t expect and challenged me at every corner. But the light is coming in slowly. The colours are brightening up and I am slowly realising the person I want to be by knowing what I don’t want. I am starting to recognise myself in the mirror. Sure, it’s still distorted but slowly, I will be confident and strong again. I found my smile through the help of Guys Hospital and even with the complications, I haven’t stopped. What better way to build your confidence, than with a new smile?

I realised that I am an awesome person if I toot my own horn. And for me to say that about myself is rare! Everyone thinks I’m super confident and have the world by the horns. The truth is, I have been worn down, and for a long time I was a shell of the person I wanted. Since I got diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, I’ve been learning more about myself and that had led me to be the person I want to be. I am learning control and sometimes it’s hard, but I know my relationships with people are so much better for it.

I’m the type of person that would be there for someone regardless of who they are and wouldn’t think twice. I’m the type of person who would go out of my way for people that I care about. I’m the type of person who has to try to control overreacting because of how I’m wired. I’ve had a therapist say that my brain is like a bus, and when something affects me, that emotion takes control and next thing I know, I’m going off a cliff at 90 because I got too upset. Yet, I never stop caring. My heart only ever grows, and I try my hardest to be a nice person. I’m the type of person that will always support the people I love with whatever they are doing in their lives.

I’m the type of person that will react to everything, but that’s because I’m emotionally invested into everything that I do. I always put my all in, that means the goods are brilliant but the lows, well they suck. Every day, I must challenge my brain and my way of thinking. Sometimes I can stop myself and other times I can’t. I’m the type of person that has my feelings disregarded time after time, so I bury how I feel, and it eats away at me. I’m the type of person that will forgive everyone but never forgets.

I make a point of sharing the big moments in my life, with my nearest and dearest before I shared it with the world because I believe that the people that have picked me up time and time again deserve to know before people I’ve never met. I make a point of reaching out to those I know wouldn’t reach out first because of fear, because nobody deserves to feel alone or isolated. I make a point of making people laugh and keeping them smiling because even for a moment, they forget their troubles. I make a point of never giving on people, even when they’re the ones in the wrong because I won’t let other people change me. I do this because I have a big heart and no amount of negativity will change that.

I have come a long way this year. From the girl that cut her arm because she wanted the pain to be real, then to a train station where I almost made a life altering decision, to being signed off because of my mental health to the girl that has faith in the future. The girl that has made plans with people and goals that don’t seem so irrational. I’m the girl that has found her smile, her laugh, and slowing her mind.

I still have bad days. I still take steps back every now and then, but I keep pushing on. I keep trying even when I don’t see any point. I have days where I nap because I have no energy. There are days where I question who I am and wonder if I am this negative energy that drains the life from everyone I love. I wonder if I’m the darkest cloud in the sky with no hope of sunshine around. Thankfully, these days are becoming less, but they are still there, and they still have the power to destroy me, I make a point of trying not to let it. I make a point of smiling all the time, because a smile has the power to change someone’s day. I know that because smiles are contagious.

If you asked me if I wanted to continue blogging now, I’d say yes! I have found that writing has helped me massively. Yet, it’s helped other people and that means more! Sure, writing is a great way to help me process my brain but, knowing that someone read what I wrote, and it helped them, is incredible. I have met some awesome people because of my blog, and I am so thankful that I didn’t give up. I’m not saying it’s going to be the best blog out there, but I will always be honest and write about things that mean something to me.

I hope that you all have a great weekend, and you smile loads. I hope that even if you are struggling, you reach out to people because there is always someone willing to listen. Check out my social media by clicking on either, Facebook, Twitter, or Instagram and stay up to date with all things blog related but most of all, until next time, keep smiling. Ferrari.