This last week has been one of the most challenging weeks of my life and not just because I came a mother of two.
As many of you would have known, I was pregnant with my most precious rainbow baby. I ended up in hospital because I was having mild contractions and was connected to a machine to measure them, and I was laying there as we watched his heartrate drop and I’ve never seen a room fill so quickly. There were midwives, surgeons and the drug specialist (I can’t spell the actual word), come into this room with a ultrasound machine and a form to consent to a C-section. Turns out he was perfectly fine, he just moved away from the monitors. From this point, my panic had set in. I was so scared that I was going to give birth to a still born and they’d lose his heart rate again.
It was at this point that we decided as a team to be induced as I was determined to give birth naturally. I was due to come back on the Friday at 2PM to be induced and start the process of a natural birth. However, because I had a C-section with Luna, my induction had to be done with a doctor and not just a midwife. So on the Friday when I was 38 and two, I went into hospital and was prepared that if the induction didn’t work, id be having another C-section regardless.
Well because many people were coming in, already in labour, the induction was put off until a doctor could be with me. This resulted in me being the only person on the ward Friday night and for half of Saturday. Again, it was pushed back because of people being ahead of closer to giving birth. Saturday night was hell! His heartrate went up to 175 and was higher more than it was normal. He was just being really active but they were concerned. After being monitored for two hours, being connected to a drip and having the surgeons, midwives, foetal movement specialist, obgyn and again the pain doctors all checking on me. For two hours it was touch and go on whether I’d be going down for a C-section. I was nil by mouth from 5PM and was starving. All I had was a drip and an active child. They made the decision that we would wait until the morning as they managed to regulate his heart rate. For the third time I had to consent to a C-section despite wanting to give birth naturally as it was the best decision for him.
Sunday morning, I was still nil by mouth just in case I had to have another C-section. I was only allowed my drip which was rushed through to keep me hydrated. My heart rate and blood pressure kept dropping, so this time It was me that was the concern. At 11AM, they came down and asked me what I wanted. My choices were be induced there and then, but risk having an emergency C-section if our heart rates didn’t behave or consent to a C-section and give birth within a few hours. I made the choice to abandon a natural birth and have my son via C-section to be on the safe side.
I hated my body at this point. I wanted a natural birth. I wanted to experience it but yet again my body decided against it. I walked up and down many flights of stairs to try and induce labour, I tried EVERYTHING except having sex in order to get him moving and nothing worked. So I figured my body hated me because it wouldn’t give way.
At 1:51 PM on Sunday the 6th of March, my handsome rainbow little man was born weighing 5lb 14oz and he is beyond perfect. It may not have been the birth I wanted. But it was the birth I got. And it’s now been a week with my handsome little man and I’m more in love with him each and every day. Luna is an incredible big sister and I couldn’t be prouder.
I’m handling this baby a lot better than I did with Luna, and I’m so beyond proud of myself. I’ve done it with very little help. I’ve done practically everything myself and I’m still going strong. He’s gaining weight steadily. He’s getting stronger and he’s keeping me smiling most of the time. I’m so thankful to everyone that has followed my journey from two miscarriages in 2020, to the birth of my little man in 2022! It was one hell of a week, but I’m bossing it.
Thank you to everyone who’s read this post. Thank you to everyone who’s helped me during this time and I’m honestly so thankful to my best friends! I don’t know where I’d be without them. I hope that you’re all having a good day. And remember wherever you are in the world… keep smiling!
This post has taken me a year to write. Not because I didn’t know what I was going to say but because it’s been a year since it was confirmed that we lost you and what a year it’s been.
I still remember those three days last year. The day I knew I lost you and then the agonising two day wait to have it confirmed during the ultrasound. I still get emotional every time I think about it. I can still feel all the pain and emotion as if it was yesterday. There’s not been a day go by where I haven’t wondered or missed you. There’s not a day where I haven’t wanted to hear your cry or see your first smile. But I know that there were greater plans for you. Ones that meant we’d be apart for a while. I know you’re not alone there, you have a sibling by your side each and every day. I also know that you’re carried every day in our hearts.
It’s strange, on the anniversary of the first miscarriage from last year, I wrote about how empty I was still feeling. I wrote about how it didn’t seem fair and that a part of me was lost. But both of you looked down with a blessing I wouldn’t know about for a few weeks. Little did your father and I know that our blessing would come in the form of a rainbow child conceived on the anniversary of losing one of you. That again, I would have to go through another pregnancy scared that something would happen.
At first, I only did the test as a hunch. I glanced at it and it came back negative. It was only when your father asked to see it that I noticed the second line had formed.
For the first 12 weeks, I was a nightmare but you both saw that. I was scared and alone as I decided before we knew about the baby that I needed to focus on sorting out my mental health. It caused the breakdown of our relationship. But I’m honestly in a much better place than I was. It doesn’t mean that I don’t wish things could be different. At the first scan, I was 6 weeks. This baby had grown more than both of you. At 12 weeks, I saw the baby, they had such a strong heartbeat and was in a good position. I was feeling optimistic.
25 weeks and one day.
Now, I’m 25 weeks and five days. Not long to go until your baby brother makes his appearance. Not long to go and I get to hold him with both of you so close to my mind. He’s so active at night and he loves to have a dance party in my uterus when I’m supposed to be sleeping, but I don’t mind because every kick gives me hope and reassurance. It’s like he knows that I need him to move constantly so I don’t fear the worst.
The anniversary was so hard. I felt guilty for being pregnant again. I felt like I was trying to replace you both when I knew it wasn’t true. I cried more times than I wanted to because I miss you both. They say a rainbow baby is a blessing but I just felt guilt and shame. With no real reason.
There isn’t a day that goes by where I don’t think about the last year and all I’ve had to face. There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t remember the pain and dread. But I know that your brother is my blessing. He will grow knowing that he isn’t alone. Luna will make sure of that. Their bond already is perfect and I can’t wait to grow with them both by my side.
This year has been tough, but my promise to the pair of you is that your brother will be loved and adored by all that meet him. He will grow into the best baby brother ever, he will have morals and loyalty. He will be stubborn and determined. I know losing you wasn’t my fault and I won’t blame myself. I love and miss you. That will never change.
Thank you to everyone who has followed my journey so far. I will upload a full pregnancy journey post once my little man has arrived, but for now, this is all I have to say. I’m still grieving and I don’t think that will ever change but I will get stronger with both my children by my side. I will see my loses in my son each and every day but he is my reminder that they will always be with me. If you are going through this, please know that you are not alone and you can always reach out to me on my various social media sites, either by clicking Facebook, Instagram or Twitter and it will take you directly to my pages. I know that these times in our lives are tough, but if you can, keep smiling because the world deserves your smile.
If you’re a regular for my blog, you will remember that in December last year, I wrote a blog piece about the second of my miscarriages of that year. Well, I lost the first one on the 15th of June and at the time, there was so much going on that I just decided to ignore it and proceed to get drunk. I already failed at caring for my unborn embryo that I didn’t really care about much else.
Emotionally I was fucked! I didn’t want to eat, didn’t really want people around me and hid it from practically everyone. I struggled so much and didn’t have anyone to turn to because I couldn’t face people. I didn’t want to accept it, so I buried it and punished myself for a while after that. The father knew and we had spoke about it but that was about it. It took a few weeks for me to tell some of my closest mates all because I didn’t want to have that pity that everyone seems to give.
One year on and there isn’t a day where I don’t think about all the possibilities. Things I missed out on, things that would never see the light of day and things that seemed like such a waste. I thought I would be able to approach the day feeling a kind of relief knowing that everything happens for a reason, but I don’t. I feel anger and pain. I feel like there’s this piece of me missing, and there is. I feel hurt and annoyed. I feel alone even with the people I love giving me all the support they can.
It’s funny, as the day was coming, many girls have reached out and told me how brave and strong I am, but the truth is, I don’t feel that way. I feel alone and weak. I wish I could see myself the way they all do. Everyone says that life is like a deck of cards and some people receive shit hands and it’s true. I wont belittle anyone by pretending I have it worse than others because I don’t, but for me, it sucks. Now I can do one of two things. I can let these shit cards define who I am as a person, or I can use them to grow and learn from. But how do you learn from a miscarriage?
Do you sit there and say things like “well it was all for the best”? Because that just brings me on to thinking that dying was a better fate than having me as it’s mother. Do you find comfort in knowing that your baby is now looking down on you? Because I couldn’t. They shouldn’t be in any after life, they should be here with me! Do you say things like “it just wasn’t meant to be”, “they came into this world and got everything they needed which is why they could leave”, or even “for some reason they just weren’t strong enough or developed enough to survive”? Because again, that just brings around more painful thoughts that I could do without. So you just say thanks for being there for me and continue to remember that it was your body that rejected it, your body deemed it unfit to continue, your body expelled it. And then you just sit there and want to punish your body for being so bloody shit.
Miscarriage is hard. It’s hard the day it happens. It’s hard for the weeks and months that follow and it’s hard when it happens more than one in the same year. You can’t just pretend it didn’t happen because you are reminded constantly of things like getting emails on how many weeks you should have been and how big your baby should have gotten. You get reminders in your friends and families that fall pregnant knowing that you should have been happy for them, instead you’re fighting through tears wishing them all the best. You get a reminder in what should have been your due date.
I want to say that in the last year I have come along way. I haven’t. I feel like I’m sinking again but I’m hoping that I can find the rope to pull myself out soon. I do however have the best group of friends and family that have and continue to support me on days that I’m suffering. That sit there and listen to me and just give me reassurance. I wouldn’t have gotten through this past year without you guys. I will probably be ending this day drunk as Luna will be at her dads however it hasn’t changed how I am feeling inside, it just stops the pain from absolutely destroying my heart. So don’t judge me that I’m drinking on a Tuesday. I need to grieve and I don’t want to be sober for it. And for all those suffering with miscarriages around the world, my heart grieves with you. It’s painful and soul destroying but you are not alone.
Thank you. Thank you to the father for doing what you can. Thank you to Luna’s father for having her and giving me time to grieve. Thank you to my family and friends for supporting me and being rocks that keep me up. Thank you to all of you readers for reading my posts and supporting me, even those I’ve never really met. You guys are awesome. I’m avoiding social media today, but you can always catch me any other day on Twitter, Facebook or Instagram. Thank you for reading and I hope wherever you are in the world, that you are smiling and embracing every moment, because nothing is a sure thing.
I love my girls more than they will ever truly realise. I love how they’ve been there for me through thick and thin, always trying to be understanding and loving, even though there are times where I know it’s difficult. Not because I intentionally make it so, but because mental health strikes at the worst and most unpredictable of times. I’d be there for them through everything, as they have been for me, however just recently, I’ve probably sucked as a friend. I know they understand and just want to give me space to make sure I’m okay again, but if I’m honest, it feels like abandonment… they haven’t abandoned me, that’s my mental health playing up again.
I feel like I’m punishing myself. I feel like right now I don’t deserve to call myself a friend because I haven’t been there. One of my best friends found out she was pregnant and I was so happy for her, but towards the end of her pregnancy, I turned my back on being there because I couldn’t face her. I muted her stories and ignored her messages. Not because I didn’t love her anymore but because I couldn’t face pregnancy, not from anyone.
Over the last few months, I’ve hidden more posts than you’d believe, all revolving around pregnancy and babies. I’m so happy for them, they get to experience a wonderful change in their body and growing a life and a love that knows no bounds. They are creating memories and bonds that will last lifetimes, both theirs and that of their children, yet here I am hurting over their happiness. I want to be there for the list of my friends that are going through this and yet I’m turning my back and ignoring them all.
I recently found out that my cousin who I shared my first pregnancy with, is pregnant again, and had I not lost the baby late last year, we would have again shared a pregnancy and I can’t help but feel guilty. I feel guilty because I should have been reaching the halfway mark in a matter of a fortnight. I should have been feeling my baby kick and having sickness. I should have been complaining about feeling like a whale despite doing the greatest thing that every woman dreams of. Yet all I’m left with is pain and a constant reminder of another child I couldn’t bare. Another child that wouldn’t breathe or live.
I feel guilty that I’m hiding away whilst many of my friends are going through one of the greatest and hardest things and times. I’m hiding and burying my thoughts because I still can’t face it. I feel like when July comes around, all those moments I’ve missed will catch up with me. All the emotions I’ve tried my hardest to bury, will surface and drag me down once again. I look at my daughter and know that I was robbed of a child but she was robbed of being an older sibling.
The truth is, I’ve had the hardest time writing or even being able to sit down and write because even though it sounds stupid, I’m still grieving. I’m grieving a pregnancy I should be in, a baby I should be feeling and a life I should have helped nurture until they took their first breath and every one after. I can’t write because my head and heart are torn. My head knows it’s not my fault and one day I will realise it, but my heart longs for what it will never know. There hasn’t been one day where I have forgotten and I don’t think there ever will be. I don’t know why my other miscarriages didn’t affect me this much, however this one broke down every guard, every defence and beat me from within.
I wanted so badly to be okay. I wanted so badly not to relapse and hurt myself again, but you can believe the thought has crossed my mind so many times. I wanted to be there celebrating with my friends and not hiding away from the ones I love most. I’ve been doing great at burying it. Some nights I can fall asleep and only feel guilty when I wake. However, other nights I keep seeing what should have been my baby, I keep imagining if they were a boy or girl, how they’d be growing. I think about how I will never know the truth because all I have to carry around is pain. I wanted to be able to feel like I was moving forward and not stuck in limbo. I feel guilty that I haven’t moved on yet, that I’m still hurting when I feel like I should be okay. It’ll be three months since I got it confirmed, but three months of what?
To the people that I’m avoiding, I love you and it won’t be forever. To my best girl, I’m sorry I sucked towards the end of your pregnancy and even more so with your daughter. Thank you for understanding, and I promise when I make it out of this, we will celebrate everything that this life has to offer. And lastly, I’m sorry to everyone I’ve hurt recently.
I’m sorry I haven’t written much. I’m sorry it’s March and I’ve only just posted but I lost my inspiration. One day I will find myself again, one day I will return to blogging and the life I love but I can’t see it right now. It’s still dark and foggy no matter how much I pretended otherwise. One day, I will see every silver lining in every cloud. One day I will back to the girl who loves freely and is there for everyone. I hope, wherever you are in the world, that you’re happy and living the best life you can. Don’t lose that smile and you’ll hear from me again soon.
** Disclaimer!! Do not read this post if you’re easily upset or have a weak stomach. There are pictures accompanied with this post which may offend or upset people.I am choosing to post these becausemiscarriage happens to 1 in every 8 known pregnancies.**
A few weeks ago, I was a few days late according to Flo, my period tracker. I had been late the month before so put it down to stress and tried not to overthink it. I went to Poundland and brought a pack of pregnancy strip tests just to rule it out so I could ask the doctor what was causing yet another late period. I wasn’t pregnant the month before I just put it down to stress. I came back from the shops and did a test straight away. I watched as two lines appeared on this test and cried my eyes out.
This first test was taken on the 18th of November when I would have been about four and a half weeks.
I cried for many reasons. Firstly, I cried because I was overwhelmed. I cried because I knew the fathers standing on the pregnancy even without telling him. I cried because I was shocked, I was taking my pill regularly but manage to fall pregnant due to antibiotics. I cried because BPD and pregnancy are a tough mix. I just cried. I rang my best friend in tears and she was as supportive as she could be. She told me to consider all my options, as its not just do I keep it or abort it. There is adoption as well.
I sat and thought about every option. I thought about how each option would affect my life and my mental health. I thought about how I would cope with another child and how it would impact Luna. And out of all the options, the only one that I could handle and live with, was the option to go through with this pregnancy. I was told I wouldn’t be able to fall pregnant, and here I was with another chance. After weighing everything up and debating every possible thing, I was finally happy and accepting of this upcoming pregnancy, I was still scared but I was looking forward to growing another baby.
Within an hour of finding out, I told the father. I knew how he felt and didn’t have to worry about the worst things he could say. We spoke about so many things and this was probably one of the hardest. I hated not being able to do it to his face, but after all he had every right to know what was growing inside me. I wont go into what he said, or how he handled it because that’s not the point of this post. But I had made my choice and he knew where I stood on the situation.
The following week, I started bleeding. For the first few days, it was light and doctors told me that based on the fact it was extremely light, very light in colour and I had no real pain and just had a few cramps, it was probably just implantation bleeding, however something in the back of my mind knew it wasn’t going to be good news. Every time I spoke about it to doctors or nurses or even midwives, they told me that plenty of people suffer really heavy bleeding and go on to deliver healthy babies. I tried to pay attention and stay optimistic but I was lying to myself.
Every day, I was having to update the EPU at my local hospital, and because the bleeding started to get worse, and getting darker in colour, they booked me in for an early scan to get a look at what was going on. This scan was booked on Monday for Thursday, and it felt like the longest week. Every day, the bleeding was getting worse, the cramps were uping a gear and I was becoming more and more convinced that I was going to lose the baby. I was bleeding for a week before I lost the first of two lumps. The first, was the lining of my womb, and the second, had the lump of my unborn embryo. Based on doctors orders, I had to make sure to capture every clot so they knew what they were dealing with. I brought some rubber gloves just in case I had to remove them from the toilet to take a picture.
My best friend tried to brighten my mood by saying how it reminded her of the sorting hat from Harry Potter, and although it cheered me up slightly, it just wasn’t doing the job.
I lost the lining at about four pm on the first of December, I didn’t have any pain but I was uncomfortable. I was still cramping but I put it down to my uterus stretching and tried to refrain from panicking. I spoke to my best friends every day leading up to this, constantly fearing the worst and this was just one part of what was going to be hell. I kept the father updated every step of the way, and tried to relax as much as possible.
I lost it at roughly 5 weeks and 6 days.
8 hours later and I passed the embryo. As soon as I passed it, something inside me told me it was what should have grown into my baby but never got to make it past 6 weeks. I had to remove it from the toilet and knew it would be the only time I would ever get to hold it and I broke down. My heart knew what my brain didn’t want to accept. And for the second time this year, I had to deal with the miscarriage of my child, without being held by the one person I needed.
Breaking down over the very strong possibility that I had lost someone I would never know.
On the 3rd of December, so today, I had to take yet another pregnancy test and go for an ultrasound and because of Covid, it was something I had to do alone. I watched as I showed the doctors the pictures and knew that they were going to be the ones to deliver the bad news. They done an external ultrasound to which they couldn’t see anything and then carried on to do the internal one. During the scan, I kept crying. I knew deep down that my baby didn’t make it. They were taking too long to confirm or deny it. They checked my ovaries and my womb and after the longest ten minutes, told me exactly what I already knew. “I’m so sorry, but you lost the baby. Everything has gone except some scar tissue.”. Listening to a doctor tell me the worst possible news broke me. I just balled my eyes out and if I’m honestly, I haven’t really stopped. I cried and they just sat there. They told me they would have hugged me but they couldn’t because of Covid. I just sat there, with the massive weight of another failed pregnancy on my shoulders. I cried. I walked out the room crying my heart out. I was crying for all the things that were never going to happen, I cried for all the memories we would never make. For all the pain and heartache that I knew I was going to be facing alone.
My sister was in the waiting room, and watched me as I walked there crying and just knew. Again, she kept saying she was sorry. It’s all anyone has said. But why are they sorry? They aren’t the ones that have to deal with this. They don’t get to feel like a failure. They didn’t ensure that I lost it. They just felt bad. And unfortunately sorry isn’t going to stop this pain right now. I then had to go and have a blood test, with another form to do another blood test on Saturday to make sure the pregnancy hormones are dropping.
I’m sat here writing this and I still don’t think it’s really settled in. I mean I know I’m not pregnant and it hurts so much, but I keep hoping that they got it wrong, that my baby is going to be okay. However that is wishful thinking. My baby would never really be a baby. It would never grow legs or arms. It would never have a sweet and innocent heartbeat. It would never get a chance to grow and live a life full of possibilities. It wouldn’t get to do anything but be a few cells thrown together. I can’t help but cry. Everytime I try and stop thinking about what’s happened, I think of the guy I really love and how he is the only one I want by my side right now. I think of my daughter, who will never know her sibling. I think of just wanting to hold them in my arms and not let go.
I’m honestly sorry to anyone who has read this post and got upset or hurt by the graphic images. I just needed to post this. I needed to get out how I was feeling and what had been happening. I am in pain and I am grieving. I am scared and alone. Yes I have friends and family that would be here at the drop of a hat, but right now, I just want peace. I need to let out all the tears I have inside. I need to relax and let my body ease up. I need to process everything which is no easy task.
Losing a baby at any stage of a pregnancy is tough. I definitely thinks it gets tougher, the further along you get but that doesn’t mean the pain and grief isn’t real. To the women carrying those babies, whether they lose them at 5 weeks or 35 weeks, their loss and grief is just as real as the next persons. It’s tough. Its harder when noone knows what to say because there is generally no way to stop a miscarriage or loss of a baby. There is no prevention, only ways to give them the best chances. They hurt. And they hurt alot. They’re not just grieving their loss, they’re grieving for never having a chance. They’re mourning the fact that it’s beyond their control and that makes them feel and believe like they failed.
My heart goes out to every woman that lost a baby. Even more so if they had to receive that news during this pandemic. It’s hard enough losing a baby or being told there is no heartbeat but without a supporting hand, it’s even harder. But all I ask for, right now, is space. If I don’t answer you, it’s not personal. Thank you.
Thank you to every single one of my best friends and my amazing family. Thank you for caring and being there for me every step of the way. Thank you to the father of my baby, for caring, for messaging and checking up on me at every appointment and even more so for holding me hours before I lost it. I will never be able to express how much I needed it. Thank you to my sister who just held me when she saw me. I love you all and I am so thankful to have you in my life.
Fly high little one. I may never have held your hand or wiped away your tears, but I will hold onto you in my heart for as long as I’m alive. I will remember you and love you, even without getting a real chance at knowing you. You weren’t meant for this world, but that doesn’t mean you wasn’t loved. You were and I wish I could have had a real chance to be your mum, however, there were bigger plans for you.
In my last blog post, I wrote how I was walking away from blogging. Believe me, I had every intention to walk away. I closed down both my Instagram and twitter pages dedicated to my blog because I couldn’t do it anymore. However, I’ve had a few people reach out and ask me to continue.
Thank you! Your words mean a lot to me and I have listened. So, those people got in touch and told me that my blog helped them on days where they felt they couldn’t get out of bed and my blog posts just helped them feel less isolated. When I first started writing, it was a place where I could express how I felt and things that were happening to me. I wrote because I loved it and because I wanted to help others that may have similar feelings to me. I have a habit of shutting people out because I feel like a burden, I have a habit of believing that I’m alone with no support and I know that it’s not true but there are times where I believe it.
It’s so hard to walk away from doing what I love, it’s even harder when I’ve had people getting in touch saying how impacted they were. I am so touched by the amount of support I’ve had, that I realised I wasn’t ready to give up. However, I won’t be blogging as much as I tried. Maybe one day I’ll go back to attempting a blog a day but right now, there is simply too much going on in and out of my head, that I don’t want to commit and running myself into the ground.
That being said, I would like to talk about some things that have been going on in my life recently and explaining where my head is at. Please bare in mind, that a lot of this, is still very much affecting me. And I won’t try and pretend to have all the answers. Because I don’t. I do however want to write and help people that are going through something similar.
Recently, I went through a really heartbreaking and emotionally draining thing. I might write about it at a later date, but right now it’s still very raw. But the truth is, I went through a miscarriage, alone because my boyfriend couldn’t be with me. It was horrible and if I’m honest, although there are many reasons why having a baby right now, isn’t the right move. But it still hurts.
I am so happy for my friends and family that are pregnant and celebrating their milestones for their children. Whether it be announcing their pregnancies, gender reveals or announcing their births. I am so beyond happy for them and want them to embrace every tiny detail to do with their pregnancies and births. Don’t hold back because you think it will be too upsetting for me. I don’t want you to do that. But there are days where I feel guilty for getting upset. I’m not upset because they’re celebrating them but because right now, it’s too raw right now.
If I’m completely honest, right now, I’m a wreck. My mind hurts day after day. My heart aches. My stomach is in knots and I spend most of my evenings upset and crying so much that my eyes are too puffy to do much else. I feel like I’m a failure. In just about everything that I do, I fail. I feel like there are no words to describe how I’m feeling.
It doesn’t help that I’ve found yet another bald patch. Nothing helps when that happens. I know my body is under too much stress and I just wish I knew how to make it stop. But even I can’t do that. I just can’t seem to stop everything getting to me.
I may not write as much as I did. But I will try and write as much as I can. Whether it’s a release of my emotions, or to address issues. Nobody said life would be easy, and some days it feels like it’s impossible to get out of bed. On those days, just remember that even getting out of bed, is an achievement! Stop being so hard on yourself. Everyone has bad days, we just can’t let those bad days control our lives.
Until the next time, where ever you are in the world, make sure your smile is shining brightly. 💕
Have you ever tried to live with an eating disorder? Let me tell you, it’s the worst!!
I can’t remember the last time I ate properly. To actually eat at least one meal. I just can’t. I can’t physically bring myself to eat and I know it’s stupid. Okay! I know that I can’t control my emotions so I control my eating. Granted, I’ve stopped forcing myself to be sick after eating, now I’m just starving myself.
It’s not because I want too most of the time. I’m just not hungry. That’s the truth. See, starving yourself shrinks your stomach. You don’t feel hungry, you just feel sick. And then you eat, and you feel worse. So you question the point of eating. But not eating steals my energy, steals my sleep and still doesn’t stop. But I can’t bring myself to eat properly. I lost four stone in two months because I thought I was too fat. I weigh less than 8 stone and I think I’m too fat. You can all sit there and tell me I’m not, but you’re not my head so it doesn’t matter. My head tells me I’m fat. I look in a mirror and I see the fat faced chick that I was and I hated it. I looked healthy and I hated it. (I had not long given birth, so my face was still carrying pregnancy weight, yet I didn’t see it like that.)
I was pregnant with my little beauty and would look in the mirror and think I was fat. I hated being pregnant. It didn’t matter that I was carrying my baby, making sure she was healthy and eating enough to satisfy her, yet I couldn’t stand myself. I wouldn’t change it. But I couldn’t stand the fact that I went from 7 and a half stone up to nearly 12… she weighed FIVE POUNDS yet I had gained over four stone. So as soon as I stopped breastfeeding, I cut my eating down again and never picked it up.
I wish I could eat properly. I wish I wasn’t so paranoid about my weight. I wish I could enjoy all the foods I used to love. Maybe one day I will but for now, I just wish I could eat something. Anything. Because every time I do, I gag. I’ve tried eating little and often, I’ve tried supplement drinks and I’ve tried training my brain to think of a small plate as less food. Nothing is helping. Maybe. That’s what I’m holding onto. A maybe that the clinic will help me. Because I can’t be like this.
I NEVER want to be that size again.
Thanks for reading. I truly appreciate it. Ferrari❤️
Open Up With Me 