What being a mother to a daughter has taught me so far…

It’s funny. I’ve been a female for 27 years and yet somehow my daughter is still finding ways to teach me. Each and every day, I am learning more about being a parent but also about myself as a person.

For those of you who don’t know, I am the mother to a three year old little lady who has a bigger attitude than you can possibly imagine, who has more sass than she has vocabulary and who brightens each and every day. She carries the biggest smile along with a huge heart and cuddles that are my entire world.

I look at my daughter and I couldn’t imagine anyone wanting to hurt her, to break her little heart and make her world crumble. In my eyes, she will always deserve the very best. She deserves to know true friendship and real love. She deserves to have a family that adores her and a happy home. And I am honestly dreading the day her world comes crashing down because of friendship or a guy and I ended up thinking about what I want for her.

Why is it that I have such high expectations for how she is treated yet I have so low standards for myself? I think about how little confidence I have in myself and how badly I allow myself to be treated for many different reasons. When did I become someone I didn’t want my daughter to be? How can I teach her to love herself when I can’t? How can I encourage her to believe in herself when I’m showing her how little I believe in me? Why am I setting her future bar so low? Why do I allow myself to feel horrible and guilty about myself and who I am, when I want her to love herself more than anything on this planet?

I can’t. I can’t allow my daughter to grow up and have my standards! She deserves so much better than the life I chose for myself. I think back to how I’ve been treated by people who claimed to love me and I seriously hope that she never has to experience anything close to the shit hands I got dealt. I think about how I look in the mirror and the person who looks back, repulses me. If I could, I’d have so many things differently, but I can’t change my past. I can however aspire to be the woman that sets Luna’s bar so high that she gets the best.

I think about how she’s going to have moments that define her life, I think about how my mother handled mine and through her mistakes, I will ensure that Luna won’t become a victim to it. My daughter has beautiful curly blondish brown hair, she has my big brown eyes and a smile that gives people the impression that butter wouldn’t melt… it doesn’t but it does bloody sizzle. I want her to be strong enough that she can survive everything, not because she has no other choice but because she was brought up to take the world by it’s horns. I want her to be stubborn enough to not settle. Not in love, not in friendships and certainly not in her dreams. I want her to know that anything is possible in this life, for as long as she truly believes in it. I want her to believe in magic and fairies. I want her to experience finding her soul mate, not in a guy but in a best friend that will never leave her side. I want her to experience everything she possibly can but for her to believe in that world, I need to show her that world.

I refuse to settle anymore. I want to achieve my dream of writing a novel and I’m slowly getting there. I want to love myself as much as I want Luna to love herself. I want to want as much from myself as I want Luna to get from her. I want to be the reason she doesn’t let any person take anything from her. I want to be the role model I wish I had. And that starts with looking at my own troubles and facing them. It means raising my standards and not settling for anything less. It means walking away from the negative and doubtful and pushing for the positive and better. I don’t want to have Luna become me because I stopped putting myself above crap.

My daughter has taught me more about being a better woman than she has about parenting. Don’t get me wrong, parenting is hard and none of us get it right, but being her role model is something I am determined to get right. I started with picking one hell of a guy to be her father, one that like me, will never give up on her, that will continue to want the best for her and will support her each and every day. For someone who usually has bad taste in men, he is one that I definitely got right. I know that even on the hardest days of being a parent, they are so worth it because I am raising someone worthy of diamonds! I know what unconditional love is because even when I have to deal with my attitude coming out of a three year old, I still love her and would do absolutely everything for her. And I intend to start now. I intend to show her that healthy relationships exist. That happiness can be found everywhere if you know where to look. I intend to show her that self care is the best thing you can ever do for yourself!

To my one and only, my promise to you is to be better, to be stronger, to be happier, to be less like a doormat. I promise to find something about myself that is positive each and every day. I promise to love myself like I love you. I promise to hold myself to higher standards. I promise to never let a guy break me again. I promise that you will be my motivation everyday to be the role model you deserve. I promise to be there for myself like I intend to be there for you and I promise to take more time focusing on myself and less on those that don’t deserve it. But lastly, I promise that there will never be a day that you don’t feel like your worthy of everything because you are. I love you Luna!

Thank you to everyone who has read today’s blog post. I have recently been spending more time taking care of myself and less time focusing on what doesn’t matter and I realised that I needed to get some things off my chest, to act as my reminder that in my daughters eyes, I deserve better. Thank you for your support, remember, if you want to get in touch or keep up to date on any blog related posts, such as sneak peaks into topics or just have some things on your mind and you need someone to talk to, find me on Twitter, Facebook or Instagram. I hope wherever you are in the world, you’re smiling because there is nothing else like it.

10 Songs I Can’t Stop Listening To Right Now!

If you’re a regular reader of my blog, you will know that music is a massive part of my life. I love it! Considering the world is currently on lockdown and fearing for our health, I thought I would write a list of my 10 favourite songs that I cannot stop playing at the moment.

I’m Still Standing – Taron Egerton; I recently watched Rocketman and fell in love with Taron Egerton’s performance. He honestly does such a wonderful job; however, this wasn’t the first time I loved his performance of this song. Luna absolutely loves Sing so I have seen it more times than I can possibly count, and he also sings this song in that. Both renditions have similarities, but they are also quite different, but both equally amazing. I think the lyrics are incredible, with all the credit going to Elton John and Bernie Taupin. And considering the world right now, I think we should all take pride in the fact that we are all still standing during this pandemic.

One Call Away – Charlie Puth; I brought this album when it first came out and its only been recently that I have downloaded it via Apple Music. I absolutely love this song. I could listen to it so much! I love the lyrics, and how it talks about always being there for the person you love even though things may get in between. I think it’s a great song right now considering many of us can’t be with the people we love as they’re stuck in different places and we aren’t allowed to leave the house.

Take Me Back to London – Ed Sheeran Feat. Stormzy; I love this song because the beat gets stuck in my head. I find it there hours after I last listened to it. Plus, the song is just so upbeat that I want to get up and dance, and find myself swaying to it when I’ve got my headphones in. Usually the sound is turned right up and I’m having a mini rave in my own head.

River – Eminem Feat. Ed Sheeran; So, it wouldn’t be me without an Eminem song on here somewhere! It just so happens to be yet another song with Ed. Now I love this song for so many reasons. Not only because I love both Ed and Eminem, but also because I was fortunate enough to see them perform this song at Twickenham a few years ago. It’s not so much about the lyrics, its more about the combination of two beautiful voices.

Heaven – Warrant; With lyrics like “As long as I’m the hero of this little girl” and “As long as you will always be my biggest fan”, why wouldn’t I love this song? It speaks to me and reminds me of Luna. I always want to make her proud and try to put her ahead of everything I do in life. She is the only person that I feel like I owe something to. I hear those two lines and I remember that without her, I wouldn’t have the purpose that I do now. She completed me and now it’s time that I make sure she can look up to me when she’s older.

Hold My Girl – George Ezra; This song is mine and Luna’s first ever song! I used to sing it to her when she was a tiny baby, and she would always fall asleep on me and I think that’s so cute considering the lyrics are, “pick a place to rest your head”. I will always be there to hold her during her darkest moments. I will always give her time and love; I will always be her strength and she will always be my girl. She is by far, my biggest inspiration. Although I need more than a minute because she is my world and I always want to wrap my arms around her. Even at night when she’s refusing to sleep and I have to lay with her and rest my arm over her, only to have her grab my hand and pull it closer.

The Light – Disturbed; I have had this song on my playlist for well over a year. It’s still my go to song whenever I feel like I’m sinking too far. Honestly, go and take some time to listen to the lyrics. I found they spoke to me in a way many songs have failed. To me, this song is about not giving up. That even during your darkest times, you will find the light. It talks about not finding answers in the places you seem to think you will, but not to give up hope. I absolutely love this song and that’s why it still has a place in my top ten.

Woman Like Me – Little Mix Feat. Nicki Minaj; People always tell me that I am a handful, that I’m high maintenance and that I have my own mind, so this song reminds me of myself. I think the chorus is just me wondering if I’m “too much”, although for the right person, you will never be too much and its always worth the effort. Although, I can honestly say this is one of the only songs that I like with Nicki, but I am a massive Little Mix fan, and there are quite a few of their songs that are on my most played, I chose this one because it reminds me that I am on a whole different level and sometimes, I am hard work but I am still worthy of being loved.

People Like Us – Kelly Clarkson; This song is one of my absolute favourites! It talks about how everyone gets down in the dumps and nobody feels like they fit in, but we’re all that way in some way, shape or form. It focuses on picking yourself up, but also picking others up when they feel the way you do. So many of us can relate to feeling like they don’t matter, that their life is sunken and broken but that doesn’t mean we should allow others to feel like this. In my opinion, it’s a song about unity.

Lost in the Woods – Jonathon Groff; I’m a sucker for a soundtrack, and my final song is just that. It’s a ballad from Frozen 2, and I have been listening to it ever since I took my big brother to go see it. (He is autistic, and nobody else wanted to sit through the film. Luna made me watch Frozen a million times, so I didn’t mind being the only one that wanted to take him. And for the record, he loved it!) However, this song just got stuck in my head, so much that as soon as I got back home, I downloaded it onto my phone, and it’s been there ever since. It’s a great song about being lost and not knowing what direction to turn. It’s about usually having the answers but this time, confused. It’s a love song, but to me, it’s the memory of my latest trip to the cinema with my big brother.

Now, all the views on these songs are purely my own. I mean you could hear the songs and feel something completely different to me. The lyrics could speak to you in a different way or the beat could make you feel bored. But to me, right now, these are probably my top ten. Each for their own reasons. Thank you for taking the time to read my post. Let me know what you think about mine or even giving me some of your favourite songs right now, by either commenting below, tweeting me, leaving me a message on my Facebook page or getting in touch by Instagram. I hope that where you are in the world, that you’re staying safe, in great health and focusing on looking to the future, when the world doesn’t look so miserable. And more than ever, keep smiling.