What being a mother to a daughter has taught me so far…

It’s funny. I’ve been a female for 27 years and yet somehow my daughter is still finding ways to teach me. Each and every day, I am learning more about being a parent but also about myself as a person.

For those of you who don’t know, I am the mother to a three year old little lady who has a bigger attitude than you can possibly imagine, who has more sass than she has vocabulary and who brightens each and every day. She carries the biggest smile along with a huge heart and cuddles that are my entire world.

I look at my daughter and I couldn’t imagine anyone wanting to hurt her, to break her little heart and make her world crumble. In my eyes, she will always deserve the very best. She deserves to know true friendship and real love. She deserves to have a family that adores her and a happy home. And I am honestly dreading the day her world comes crashing down because of friendship or a guy and I ended up thinking about what I want for her.

Why is it that I have such high expectations for how she is treated yet I have so low standards for myself? I think about how little confidence I have in myself and how badly I allow myself to be treated for many different reasons. When did I become someone I didn’t want my daughter to be? How can I teach her to love herself when I can’t? How can I encourage her to believe in herself when I’m showing her how little I believe in me? Why am I setting her future bar so low? Why do I allow myself to feel horrible and guilty about myself and who I am, when I want her to love herself more than anything on this planet?

I can’t. I can’t allow my daughter to grow up and have my standards! She deserves so much better than the life I chose for myself. I think back to how I’ve been treated by people who claimed to love me and I seriously hope that she never has to experience anything close to the shit hands I got dealt. I think about how I look in the mirror and the person who looks back, repulses me. If I could, I’d have so many things differently, but I can’t change my past. I can however aspire to be the woman that sets Luna’s bar so high that she gets the best.

I think about how she’s going to have moments that define her life, I think about how my mother handled mine and through her mistakes, I will ensure that Luna won’t become a victim to it. My daughter has beautiful curly blondish brown hair, she has my big brown eyes and a smile that gives people the impression that butter wouldn’t melt… it doesn’t but it does bloody sizzle. I want her to be strong enough that she can survive everything, not because she has no other choice but because she was brought up to take the world by it’s horns. I want her to be stubborn enough to not settle. Not in love, not in friendships and certainly not in her dreams. I want her to know that anything is possible in this life, for as long as she truly believes in it. I want her to believe in magic and fairies. I want her to experience finding her soul mate, not in a guy but in a best friend that will never leave her side. I want her to experience everything she possibly can but for her to believe in that world, I need to show her that world.

I refuse to settle anymore. I want to achieve my dream of writing a novel and I’m slowly getting there. I want to love myself as much as I want Luna to love herself. I want to want as much from myself as I want Luna to get from her. I want to be the reason she doesn’t let any person take anything from her. I want to be the role model I wish I had. And that starts with looking at my own troubles and facing them. It means raising my standards and not settling for anything less. It means walking away from the negative and doubtful and pushing for the positive and better. I don’t want to have Luna become me because I stopped putting myself above crap.

My daughter has taught me more about being a better woman than she has about parenting. Don’t get me wrong, parenting is hard and none of us get it right, but being her role model is something I am determined to get right. I started with picking one hell of a guy to be her father, one that like me, will never give up on her, that will continue to want the best for her and will support her each and every day. For someone who usually has bad taste in men, he is one that I definitely got right. I know that even on the hardest days of being a parent, they are so worth it because I am raising someone worthy of diamonds! I know what unconditional love is because even when I have to deal with my attitude coming out of a three year old, I still love her and would do absolutely everything for her. And I intend to start now. I intend to show her that healthy relationships exist. That happiness can be found everywhere if you know where to look. I intend to show her that self care is the best thing you can ever do for yourself!

To my one and only, my promise to you is to be better, to be stronger, to be happier, to be less like a doormat. I promise to find something about myself that is positive each and every day. I promise to love myself like I love you. I promise to hold myself to higher standards. I promise to never let a guy break me again. I promise that you will be my motivation everyday to be the role model you deserve. I promise to be there for myself like I intend to be there for you and I promise to take more time focusing on myself and less on those that don’t deserve it. But lastly, I promise that there will never be a day that you don’t feel like your worthy of everything because you are. I love you Luna!

Thank you to everyone who has read today’s blog post. I have recently been spending more time taking care of myself and less time focusing on what doesn’t matter and I realised that I needed to get some things off my chest, to act as my reminder that in my daughters eyes, I deserve better. Thank you for your support, remember, if you want to get in touch or keep up to date on any blog related posts, such as sneak peaks into topics or just have some things on your mind and you need someone to talk to, find me on Twitter, Facebook or Instagram. I hope wherever you are in the world, you’re smiling because there is nothing else like it.

Blogging Goals for 2021…

All statistics were correct at the time of writing. However was published two days after.

Welcome back to a typical post that I do every year. Last year I set myself 6 goals that I wanted to aim for and it’s safe to say that I have exceeded most of my goals and I am so beyond thankful for all the love and support you readers have given me. Again, I will be setting myself pretty much the same goals, with a few exceptions.

1. My first goal last year was to reach 50 people on my blogging page on facebook. You can find it by clicking here! If you haven’t already, make sure to give it a like to keep updated. I want to thank everyone of the 86 people that have liked it so far! You are all amazing and I appreciate the support.
2. I wanted to beat my number of views in a day and it’s safe to say that I beat it! Not only did I beat it once, but I actually beat it three times in the space of a few weeks.
3. I wanted to beat my yearly number of views. In my first blogging year, (August to December 2018), I had 844 views and I was so surprised to see that what I had to say was viewed so many times. Especially considering it wasn’t a full year. Last year, which was my first full year blogging, I racked up an impressive 1835 views! That’s an increase of 117%! This year I’ve managed to rack up about 90% more views compared to last year and I am honestly surprised.
4. I reached well over 1000 visitors! I’m up 124% compared to last year and it’s all thanks to you amazing readers. So thank you! I appreciate every view, every like and every comment. You help me continue my love of writing.
5. I didn’t manage to blog every other day. Maybe I was pushing the boat out on that one, but I tried. I think I’ll stick to goals that I can achieve for next year.
6. So last year I had 78 followers directly linked to my blog, and one connected via their email. Well, as it stands right now, I beat my target of 100, I managed to almost double it! I now have 146 followers and 6 connected via their emails! So thank you to everyone who decided that my blog was worth following!

This years goals!

1. I want to see if I can achieve 150 people liking my facebook page dedicated to my blog. I am so proud of how far I have come and just want to keep growing.
2. My second goal is to see if I can get over 150 views in a day. I only recently managed to get 114 so, its a bit of an increase but hopefully manageable.
3. I want to blog at least once a week. I really hope I can manage that atleast and with Luna at her dads every weekend, I am confident in myself that it’s an achievable goal.
4. I want to make sure that my views and visitors keep rising. I want to keep putting out engaging posts and have the help of you all alot more this year. I mean I’ve started doing polls on facebook and twitter, which have received more engagement than any year previous so I want to continue to do that.
5. By the end of the year, I want to give back something to my amazing readers. I haven’t quite figured out what that is going to be yet, but I have a few plans in my head!

When I first started blogging, I did it because I needed a release. I had so many things going on that putting the words down to paper, so to speak actually helped me come to terms with some of the things I was and still am going through. However, I didn’t think it would ever reach the levels it currently has. I imagined my close family and friends reading it, but yet my blog has been read in so many different countries. I also never imagined that I would have so many people reach out to me telling me how the words I chose to put into a post have helped them.

I never imagined that I would have people I haven’t spoke to in years, message me saying that a certain post about mental health, helped them on their darkest days. I have had people message me saying how my blog has given them hope on their darkest days. So, what started out as a way to help me, has turned into my helping a whole list of people. Most bloggers give up within the first few months, however I have kept at it, because you readers keep me wanting to write.

I never said I could write, hell, I sit their and scrutinise everything I write, to the point that plenty of the posts I write, never make it out of the drafts. But there are some posts that were so easy to write, that I never thought of picking at it with a fine tooth comb, and those are the posts that I felt I needed to write. It’s actually quite rare for me to sit and plan out my blog posts, however I want to plan more.

So whether you are new to my journey or been here since my blog started, thank you. You give me a reason to set goals. You give me support that keeps me pushing to write more. I truly appreciate your encouragement and views, and I know I say it a lot but you help me to do what I love.

I hope where ever you are in the world, that you are smiling and setting yourself goals for the new year. I hope you all are happy and healthy and enjoying each and every day as it comes.

Update on my goals!

I wanted to use this time to recap over my goals that I set my blog 4 months ago! Considering I went ghost for a fair few months, most of them are even further away from completion compared to where I thought I would be by this time. If you want to check it out, its >>>here<<<.

I set six goals that I wanted to complete by the end of the year, so I thought every four months, I’d look at how far I’ve come since the start of the year. Considering I went ages between blogging, most of these stats have come from the start of the year, but my goodness, it was probably the best start to my blogging year that I could have asked for.

I wanted to reach 50 people connected to my new Facebook page, however due to lack of advertising, it hasn’t even reached half that target, but hey, still got a while left of this year, you never know, maybe we could smash it.

I still haven’t managed to beat my record of 94 views in one day, but then again, I have gotten close and considering most of the time I am just writing waffle, I am truly humbled.

We are four months in and I have achieved 36% of last years views, which I can honestly say is quite an achievement, I am almost beating my first year of blogging and well over a quarter of the way to beating my yearly views. I am 35% of getting my 1000 visitors as well. To think that many people have logged on and checked out what I have to say, is truly amazing. I am so lucky to have so many people interested in what I have to say.

My last goal is the one that I know I will complete first! I wanted to achieve 100 people subscribed to my blog, and at the latest count, I am at 95! That means, I am 5 away from completely at least one of my goals!

The start of this year has been tough, I have had to make choices and yet I don’t feel like I am any closer to getting my head sorted but I know that one thing is true, I will be standing at the end of it. Thank you for taking the time to check out my latest post, and thank you to each and every person because you have contributed towards my achieving my blogging goals and I am honestly so thankful for each of you. You’re amazing! If you want to stay updated on what is going on with the blog, make sure to like the Facebook page, and follow me on Instagram. If you wish to see me write way more waffle than what gets posted, be sure to give me a follow on twitter. I want you all to stay healthy and safe during these uncertain times, and don’t lose your smile!

Happy New Year!

Welcome back to another year of blogging at OpenUpWithMe! I want to thank every single person who visited my blog last year! Over the course of 2019, I had 1819 views from 981 visitors. (Stats taken on the 28th December) From those views, I received 181 likes and 27 comments. This was my best year for my blog, and I couldn’t be more thankful! Its been read in 20+ countries and I’m overwhelmed with the support I have received from each one of you! You make writing for an audience worth it. So, from the bottom of my heart, thank you!

Considering we are now in a new year, I want to do so much more with my blog and for all those that follow it on a regular basis, so I have a few new things going on this month as a trial and if I can stick to it, then I hope to follow it out throughout the year. I have planned a new blog post for every day this month. I hope to get them all out but as you may have realised, I sometimes suck at sticking to plans, so I won’t promise that this will happen, but I certainly want to try my hardest. Now that I have some sort of routine with Luna going to her dads for a few hours every day and one night a week, I am hoping to have my blog posts planned, written and scheduled during these times to maximise my potential.

12 Goals of 2020!

This year, I want to complete more and get more out of my life and try to get myself out of the funk that I seem to have fallen into. I have decided to create 12 goals for the year instead of doing resolutions because as it turns out, I never stick to them, so I don’t even want to try. I have a habit of giving up way too quickly so that idea flew out of the window. However, my goals are broader and there’s less chance of failing. Although there are 12, I’m not planning on getting one completed each month, but I do hope that by the time 2021 comes around, I will have at least completed over half of them.

1. Complete more of my novel! So, for those of you that don’t know, I have been writing a novel for a few years now. However, due to other commitments and lack of time prioritised to my novel, its still sitting in the writing stage. I won’t say that I will get it completed this year but if I can write a fair amount each month, I will feel better about it. It’s been in the works for too long and I’ve now found inspiration to get it completed. I mean at the moment I only have three or four chapters, but every chapter is planned with a fair amount of detail so it’s just getting my ideas to paper or word documents as the case maybe.
2. Start Saving! I absolutely suck at saving! I find it physically impossible but after the ending of the last year, I have found that I want to put money aside for little lady’s birthday and Christmas throughout the year, so I don’t end up a charity case again next year. I spent a fair amount of money on her birthday and Christmas without support and ended up skinting myself for the rest of the month. There were other complications that came into play that I should have accounted for, but I didn’t. However, she had the best time and seeing her face at her party and on Christmas day makes it all worth it.
3. Take Luna out somewhere new once a month! For all of you that have been following my blog closely, I suffered bad with post-natal depression and because of it my relationship with my daughter suffered massively. I want to make it up to her, I want to show her more of the country and do more stuff with her that means she’s not trapped in the flat most of the time. She is the most important person in my life, and I want to create more of a bond with her, filled with memories that can last a lifetime. My mum never had a lot of money, but she took us so many places whilst we were growing up like hiking and going on bike rides and that doesn’t cost a lot of money. Those memories will stay with me for life.
4. Decorate! Even if I only get one room completed the way I want, its better than the standard white that seems to overrun my poor flat. I want to at least get Luna’s room decorated and spruced up because I think every child should have a colourful room that they can enjoy.
5. Meet new people! I have made a fair few friends because of my blogging, and those people are there for me without fail whenever I need them. They have seen me through many of my ups and a huge amount of downs. They have made me laugh when I’ve felt like crying and none of them had too. Unfortunately, the closest I’ve come to most of them are facetimes every now and again, or messages via social media. However, I wouldn’t have gotten through last year without them, so I want to make a point of meeting them and thanking them personally, for impacting my life in the way that they did.
6. Celebrate more! I have a habit of being negative and focusing on the bad for most of my life. This is my reminder to look at the positives more often. I want to celebrate the positives and embrace them a lot more. I want to maximise the amount of positivity that I bring out in others and for that, I need to start with myself.
7. Do more for charity! I absolutely love doing things for other people. I want to do at least two big fundraising events for this year, one of which will be a walk/marathon. I want to raise money for charities that are close to my heart such as the Meningitis Trust and Children in Need.
8. Eat better! Its no secret that I have an eating disorder. Its no secret that I have battled with my weight for most of my life. However, I am trying my very hardest to get over my eating disorder. I have managed to put on a few pounds and for me, that’s a massive achievement. I have finally got some meat on me again and my ribs are slowly becoming less obvious. I am trying not to be disgusted every time I step on the scales and notice a gain.
9. Read one new book a month! I absolutely love reading and I have so many books that I want to read but haven’t got around to them yet. I want to dedicate at least an hour or so into reading them every night once little lady is in bed.
10. Try one new hobby a month! I want to try new things and try to increase my skill range. I mean I can already play a few instruments, I know how to read music and I love to write but there is so much more that is on offer in the world that I want to broaden my skills and see what other things I might be able to do.
11. Spend less time glued to my phone! A lot of us spend a fair amount of time on our phones, generally scrolling aimlessly through social media and not really doing anything productive. I want to stop this habit and spend more of my time focusing on the things that matter, like my daughter and my blog. Of course, being a social media addict, I know I will still spend time scrolling for no reason, but hopefully it will be a lot less time than I do now.
12. Write more letters! I love the idea of getting a written letter. There is nothing that shows more thoughtfulness as well as time and effort as a handwritten letter. I want to focus on finding and maintaining pen pals and bringing back snail mail.

What plans have you got for this year? What are the things that you want to get out of 2020 that you may not have gotten from previous years? Are you like me and can’t stick to resolutions, or have you made some anyway? Let me know either by leaving a comment or getting in touch. Once again, thank you for all your support and for reading what I have to say. As always, you can find me on Facebook, twitter and Instagram or even email me on RariAyliffe@OpenUpWithMe.com. I wish you all a happy new year and remember to keep smiling.

#TimeToTalk

If you’re on Twitter, you’ll have seen this hashtag flying about. It’s about mental health and how we need to end the discrimination and stigma surrounding it.

I’m quite fortunate because I have a means of expressing myself through this blog and that’s my way of coping right now. But many people aren’t that lucky. They suffer in silence because they are scared to talk about their problems. That isn’t fair. But there are always options.

Now, I went to the doctor in order to get referred but you can do a self referral to mind and they are great. But there are people that you can talk to. And you shouldn’t feel ashamed. Plenty of people have an issue with their mental health but that doesn’t make you any less of a person.

Since I went to see my local GP, I got put in touch with the Access and Assessment Unit at my local hospital and have seen them twice with my third coming up in a few weeks. We talk about all sorts of things, and she just listens. Although she has a pretty good idea what’s wrong, and I’ve got one of my definite diagnoses, but I’ve still got a long way to go. She sat on the phone and just listened to me rant for half an hour because she knew I had a bad weekend. Just having someone to listen, helps.

She’s spoke to the psychiatrist who is willing to see me to start the weekly therapy process and I’ve been in touch with a dietician. That’s three different professionals who are helping me overcome my many issues. That’s three people that listen and help. They aren’t tearing me down every chance they get.

However, I know there are people that are going to read this and want to speak out and I will listen. If you need an ear, well I have two. If you need a distraction, well, I can try my hardest to make you laugh. You honestly don’t have to go through this alone. Mental health is normal. So many people have and will be effected in one way or another. Speak to people who want to listen. The ones who won’t tell you how you should be thankful because people have it worse. They won’t belittle you and make you feel like you don’t matter.

It’s okay not to be okay. You don’t have to have it together 24/7 and nobody should expect you to. But there are brighter days just beyond the horizon and you’re not alone.

I’m not afraid to speak out. #TimeToChange

Thank you for reading. Ferrari. 💝

Goals for 2019!

Well I decided I didn’t want to do New Years resolutions because there isn’t a bad habit I want to break or a lifestyle choice I want to bring in. But there are things I want to do next year. I want to make it bigger and better. So I thought I’d compose a list of the things I want out of next year rather than a list I have no intention to stick too.

This year has been one of my hardest. And I want to take steps to make sure that next year is so much better not only for me but the ones I love dearly.

• Once a month I want to take my daughter out of this town and do something with her. I want her to know the world is much bigger than what it seems and she has the right to see it all.
• Once a month, I want to spend a few hours with the guy I love where we aren’t parents just people. I want to spend time remembering why I love him and why we are incredible together and why I will always fight for him.
• I want to write more! I want to write more here and of my novel. I want to write at least one post a week, maybe more I don’t know. But I definitely want to share more with you guys and grow my blog.
• I want to smash my target of 1000 visitors. We smashed the 1000 views in a year so I want to get my first visitor target of 1000. Which needs more and better content.
• I want to finish my novel. It’s kind of taken a back step recently due to mental health issues but I want to get it complete in 2019.
• I want to read more books next year! Which means I need to buy more books… much to Kieran’s dismay. I want to be lost in more books and complete the 100 books to read before I die. Okay. I won’t do all 100, but I can get at least five done.
• I want to go to more concerts! I want to see more bands and artists. I’ve got a whole list of people I want to see so I probably should get a start on that.
• I want to find a job within Marketing. I want to be able to use my creativity day in and out and get paid for it. I want to be able to find a job to make daughters quality of life so much better.
• I want to take more time with my friends. I feel like this year I’ve been all about being a mum and not really taken time for myself. To see the ones I haven’t seen in ages and spend time with those that I speak to all the time.
• I want to share a positive thought each and every day to try and bring me out of this think. I want to acknowledge things I couldn’t be without and put those positive thoughts out there to help lighten the darkness.
• I want to get out of my mothers because I swear this house drives me crazy! As much as I love my family, I can’t stand the fact that I had to give up a two bed house to come back to a room.
• Mentally, I want to be in a better place next year. I want to be able to have more positive than negative thoughts. I want to live life more and not be in fear of my mind, or my anxiety. I want to be in control.

I want my life back in my hands. And I’m determined to bring myself back to a sane level. A level where I’m not constantly down or depressed. Where I’m not hiding behind a fake smile. I want to be able to get through the day without breaking down. I want to be able to feel strong again.

I may not be okay at the moment. But next year is a new year. It’s full of endless possibilities. It has so much potential. And I want to get as much out as possible. I want this year to be Luna’s best yet. And that all starts with positive thinking. I am positive that next year, things will end better than this.

Next year will be more for me. I will stand up for myself and put my family first. I’ll stay away from those that have brought me down and appreciate those that have picked me up. Next year may not be easy, but I will end it in a better place. So come on 2019. It may just be another year, but let’s try and make sure it’s a brighter one.