When this year started, I wanted so desperately to get back into writing, little did I know that my life would take change after change at a time that I genuinely did have faith in happiness again. I was brought back to a place that I worked so hard to get out of. I went down a spiral that now I finally see the light from. We’re almost halfway through the year and already I want this year over with.
I thought after everything I went through in the first few months that I was done with pain but apparently not. Every time I tried to write, something else would happen causing yet another block. It’s frustrating, but I guess that’s my problem when my writing is tied into my emotions. It’s not easy to write about the darker sides. I mean I know they happen but I try to avoid them as much as I possibly can. The problem is, in hiding my pain, I became a bigger people pleaser than I was.
I allowed people who don’t deserve space in my life to literally break me down till I was nothing, and for what? What did they achieve? I’m still here and I’m standing taller than ever. I won’t sit here and say I’m healed because I am far from it but I am focusing on myself and my babies. I know what I deserve and right now, that is being selfish. It’s not allowing others to dictate my worth. I’ll always be there for anyone if they needed me, however I refuse to bite my tongue and allow people to disregard my feelings for their own needs.
I spent so much time living in my head believing that all I deserved was heartache and feeling unworthy but that isn’t true. Don’t get me wrong, there are still days where I feel like I mean nothing to no one and could easily run away where no one would miss. I mean there are times I believe the very worst of my thoughts but rationally, I know that even I deserve to feel loved and like I matter to someone, however it’s not going to be found in a relationship. I don’t need a man to support me or for help. I can do that alone and believe me, it will be less stressful than to answer to any man who can disregard me days after telling me they’d never leave.
My fear of abandonment and feeling not good enough has had me trying to keep bridges up that I should have burned. I lowered myself to chase friends, family and relationships that had no problem turning their back on me. I chased after things I didn’t deserve because I was so scared of being alone, yet being alone is exactly where I need to be right now. There is strength in solidarity. I am finding myself again. I’m finding a smile that doesn’t have to be forced. I’m hearing laughs that were buried at the bottom of my stomach. I’m wearing my confidence like I wear my crown because I am worth it.
I took time away and found myself. I found my love of writing and it’s been easier than I remembered. I found inspiration in my isolation. I haven’t been completely alone, I mean so far this year I got to meet someone who literally completes my day and has become my little bestie, and her mum who I obviously adore but not as much as my little butterfly. There have been positives, it hasn’t been a complete waste of a year but hopefully the second half of this year will be better.
Healing hurts. Looking at myself when I’m thinking rationally is actually proving more difficult. It’s easy to listen to the thoughts when I’m stuck in my head but how do I make them louder when I’m trying to grow from them? Everything that has happened this year, I am growing from. Whether it be from walking away when I was shown such blatant disrespect where I would have stayed, to being mature enough to forgive people without hearing those words.
“I don’t know where this year is going to take…” The last time I wrote those words, I was sending it to someone with so much love in my heart… yet nearly 5 months later, I’m writing those words with a completely different intention. I don’t know where the rest of this year is going to take me but I can tell you that I am excited. I have some of the greatest friends who have been so incredibly understanding right now. I also got blessed with two amazing children who keep me fighting each and every day. I do know that I will spend the rest of the year focusing on myself. I want to remember who I am and how strong I am. I want to remember how far I’ve come and what I’ve overcome because nobody can steal it from me.
I really have missed writing, I wont promise to write every week but I can promise that I will try. I have a couple of ideas for posts, I’ve got one lined up for each week over the next month and it feels good to be proactive again. However, I do have a side project going on behind the scenes which is going to take months to complete… however, I will give you readers a little insight when more of it is completed. So for now, it’s one secret I will be holding close to my chest. However there are a select few that do know and I know they’re just as excited as I am.
Thank you all for coming back and reading yet another post where I try to explain a hiatus that I didn’t know I needed. Next week I’ve got the first of two parts which does focus on the negative side to having BPD and how hard it is when you date someone with this disorder. The good thing being that I also get to write about the more positives after. I’ve also got quite a few drafts that are nearly finished so hopefully I can continue with upward momentum and get back into it properly. I hope that you have an amazing day and as always, keep smiling because the world is a better place with you in it.
Open Up With Me 